Vultural

White Christmas - 2011 - 8/10
AKA - Hwaiteu Keuriseumaseu // 화이트 크리스마스

Marvelous K-drama has nothing to do with Yule, aside from seasonal snow.
Elite high school for gifted or rich students only closes eight days a year for vacation.
Typically, every year a few students remain behind as their parents are “too busy.”
This year, each pupil receives a note accusing them of a despicable crime.
Of which, most appear to be guilty
Who sent the note? Why? And guilty of what?
This does not go the slasher route, though there are echoes of Lord Of The Flies.
Stakes are perilous, future employment, life trajectories, so killings may be expected.
The premise is of monsters. Are they born, or are they created? Nature - nurture.
Intense psychological thriller, with outstanding cinematography and evocative music score.

Kim Woo-Bin, know that you are still remembered.
Know that people still pray for your recovery.
Safe journey, friend.

Joanna Lumley’s Trans-Siberian Adventure - 2016 - 6/10

Several notches above the usual travel documentary.
Actress, model, funny-as-hell, Joanna Lumley travels from Hong Kong to Beijing, into Mongolia, into Siberia, across the steppes finally reaching Moscow.
By rail. Old-fashioned train. During winter, of all seasons.
Of course the scenery is gorgeous, and she is permitted access to homes or palaces denied to most.
The doc does a nice job capturing the boredom, the tedium, the ennui of traveling 6000 miles on a train.
It also showcases surprise tangles or setbacks, common to all travelers, yet rarely shown on documentaries.
Lumley is an increasingly rare “guest,” learning phrases, respectful, willing to sample foreign food or customs.
Those who appreciate these type of shows will enjoy Ms Lumley despite her often whispering narration.

Chris Tarrant Extreme Railways: Xmas Express - 2016 - 6/10

Another wintry alternative.
Tarrant, a grizzled alternative to upbeat, perky sorts (that I want to pitch off a cliff) tackles the Scandinavian rails in winter.
Yeah, better him than me.
OK, if you are into travel flicks, or even history, for that matter.
Mountains of ice and snow, but very little xmas.
Watchable - forgettable.

Kidnapped - 2010 - 4/10
AKA - Secuestrados

Reprehensible home invasion torture porn from Spain.
Three hooded thugs strike the home of a Madrid family.
Expect beatings, rapes, torture, killings, gore.
I would have scored this far, far lower, save for the lively hutong discussion that followed.
Everyone recognized mistake after mistake made by the victims.
An invasion is not a burglary or stickup. Invasion is a death fight - always.
Audience members kept barking to the invaded, especially the father, “Do this! Do this!”
Most unpleasant film. Consider yourself warned.

The Twelve Trees Of Christmas - 2013 - 5/10

I was in the mood for a “different” Christmas film.
Something along the lines of Chupacabra Vs Baby Jesus Vs Salvation Army Santas.
This is out there, I just know it! Or it ought to be.
Whilst I searched for holiday horrors, my bride waltzed in and loaded this winner.

Manhattan library is scheduled to be wrecked for swanky new condos!
Rather than phone Don Trump for advice, plucky librarian decides to save her beloved workplace with a Christmas tree contest!
Oh, and it just happens she lives in the same apartment as the billionaire owner of the library site.
Even better, he is young, handsome, and single. Another Festivus miracle!
Will the library be saved? Will love blossom? Will that little girl take elocution lessons?

Note: I was fairly bruised by the time credits rolled.
Because I kept asking questions and kept getting shoved, punched or kicked in reply.
“Her librarian character is single, thin, and straight? All three?”
“Her apartment is huge! With a view! On a librarian salary! Where can I get one?”
“Wait a minute. Her boss, the head of the library, hooking up with the janitor?”
“Where are all the homeless people? Street people, crazy people, bums?”
“What kids read real books? Those kids don’t have smart phones?”
“Where did contestants buy their trees? They must be 15 feet high, all of ‘em!”
“Look, Casper Van Dien!"
'Casper who?"
“Everyone fights, no one quits,” I said and was ignored.
"Whoa, is that Scary Spice?”
Yes, it was. Christmas treacle from the Lifetime Channel. Caveat emptor.

The Children - 2008 - 6/10

Holiday jollies as Elaine and family visit sister Chloe and her family in the bucolic countryside.
Snow, merriment, laughter, rousing cheer, and the teensiest wedge of rivalry.
Oh, and sadly a few of the kids ill.
Wait a minute, why are the children waving knives?

And before you can ask what rhymes with dead, the snow is blood red.
Wicked “holiday” fare has its moments, but it is a nasty piece of work.
I must have missed 10% of the dialogue because the kids yelled and screamed nonstop in the background, like a bag of cats.
Speaking of cat - oh - let’s not go there.
Some reviews have likened this to The Bad Seed or Village Of The Damned.
For me, the better connection would be Who Can Kill A Child?.

Snowpiercer - 2013 - 4/10

Opening credits reveal planet Earth reeling from global warming.
Desperate nations seed the skies with solar reflective clouds.
Before humans can say, ahhh, surface completely freezes over, life goes extinct.
Except - - for one train! Rolling nonstop, high speed, for seventeen years!
Passengers are all class based, think Elysium on rails.
Our hero is in back of train with sewage steerage. Front sections more luxurious.
Video game plot. In order to advance, hero must overcome obstacles.

Generous amount of action, though film way too long (slightly over 2 hours), with tiresome monologues.
Aimed at what audience? Twelve year old boys?
Though even at that age I would have wondered: How come the train never runs out of fuel, water, food? How come it never breaks down? How come tracks - the world under sheets of ice - never need repair? How do compartments stay warm? Are there showers, soap? Where do folks get (obviously) new clothes?
The train itself, as our hero advances, grows larger and larger.
Utterly preposterous.

Cleanskin - 2012 - 6/10

Sean Bean portrays hardened government op. Charlotte Rampling his boss.
Assignment: track down home grown terrorists (cleanskins), doing suicide bombings in London.
Other narrative tracks the recruitment and enlistment of an angry young man into a terror cell.
Violent fare with a few twists, stalemates.
Well made, albeit uncomfortable, film.

Snow Queen - 2002 - 6/10

Nice Winter movie with no holiday overtones.
Bridget Fonda plays the icy Snow Queen to perfection.
The narrative involves a young girl pursuing her boyfriend who has been “taken” by the Snow Queen.
At three hours, the movie is too long, and visits to “Spring,” “Summer,” and “Autumn” are little more than childish comic relief.
Worth watching for Fonda and her brittle performance, but this would be better chiseled to two hours or less.
Fonda’s last performance to date.

The Man Who Invented Christmas - 2017 - 6/10

Fabricated confection imagines how Charles Dickens came to write “A Christmas Carol.”
Stray facts mixed with literary license and a heavy dollop of treacle.
Dickens’ marriage is still rather happy at this time, though his wife’s fecundity causes financial strain.
A couple literary flops does not help matters, either.
The film effectively shows how writers file away stray comments, interesting events, details.
Other elements are eye rolling fluff.
Not necessarily a holiday movie, it is definitely feel good material.
Christopher Plummer is a sardonic Scrooge. Dan Stevens tolerable as Dickens.

Camera Store - 2017 - 6/10

1994, Christmas Eve day. Amateur hour for procrastinating shoppers.
Set inside a mall back when malls were popular and people still bought film rolls.
Change is in the air, however. Digital.
The two burnouts who run the dying store have squandered their ideas, their dreams, their youth.
Despite some acid dialogue, this Yule timed yarn is devoid of good will toward men.
Christmas, mean spirited and most unmerry.
Production screams theatre play.

Secret Agent X-9 - 1945 - 7/10

Thirteen part Universal serial with Lloyd Bridges, Jan Wiley and Keye Luke.
Action takes place on Shadow Island, only independent “nation” in the China Sea.
Nest of spies, agents, saboteurs, criminals, gamblers.
Japanese - Nazis - Aussies - Chinese - Yanks know who is who and clash accordingly.
Plot revolves around the Japanese pursuit of 722. The Allies have no idea what that is, but they are determined to discover and thwart.
Fairly realistic, as far as serials go. No jokes, no comic elements. Cold blooded killings occur.
Much of the story occurs at night, so most scenes are dark. Few cheats.

Scatter My Ashes At Bergdorf’s - 2013 - 6/10

Sometimes you sit through films selected by other team members because it’s Christmas.
Other times you’re a lazy fool.
High sheen, congratulatory documentary on glittering, high priced department store catering to the very rich.
Stunning to look at, though prices never shown (it is revealed a good sales clerk - excuse me, personal buyer - can earn $400,000 - $500,000 a year).
Much attention is given to the annual holiday display windows.
Everyone is either an employee, a designer whose fashions are there, or a designer who wishes their fashion line to get picked up.
Balanced documentary? Not so much.
Hyper-consumerism porn.

Murder At Christmas - 2014 - 6/10

During Yule revels, Joanna Yeates, a bubbly, sunshine in a bottle lass, disappears in Bristol.
Surveillance cameras capture most of her movements on 17 December, on into her flat.
Her body was found Christmas Day, strangled.
Lightweight documentary poorly captures details or motivations.
Explanations for the culprit are sketchy.
Sad, especially considering the season, but oddly indifferent.
Not mentioned was the shockingly awful press coverage.

Amalfi: Rewards Of The Goddess - 2009 - 6/10
AKA - Amarufi: Megami no hôshû / アマルフィ 女神の報酬[

Touristy thriller follows Japanese diplomat Kuroda as he helps prepare for G8 summit in Italy.
He gets sidetracked when a small girl is kidnapped. Distractingly so. The mother, who was art-gazing instead of watching her daughter is over emotional, antagonistic, and irresponsible.
I pity the diplomat and kept thinking, “She wants to go it alone, let her.”
The film cannot escape its television roots, despite spectacular photography. It feels like a two part series.
First hour pursues the kidnapping, the second broadens into conspiracy.
The photography, by the way, is stunning. Picture postcard of Italy - minus those pesky tourists.
When did they film? 5:00 - 6:00 AM?
Enjoyable, though lightweight.
I never figured out what the “goddess" of the translated title meant.
There were no Greco-Roman deities, no plus sized women.
Events occurred during the Christmas season, so this might be an alternative for jaded holiday viewers.
Oh yeah - Sarah Brightman alert. “Time To Say Goodbye” . . . twice.

Marianne - 2019 - 6/10

French series tiptoes a thin line between the horror labyrinth and Young Adult.
Enfante terrible, novelist Emma, returns to her small hometown after a harrowing in-store event.
For years she has channeled her demons into best selling novels of a witch.
Only the witch may not be merely her imagination, but a malevolence gathering strength.
Emma is one of the most toxic characters you will likely encounter.
She is also a classic jinx, tainting all within her sphere.
In real life, you would shun her, or she would be a successful politician.
Horrific moments, along with exasperating ones.

Beauty And The Fellow - 2015 - 7/10
AKA - Bijo To Danshi // 美女と男子

Irresistible, infectious J-dorama of the fools gold that is filmed entertainment.
Sawatari works in the IT department for a major conglomerate.
Arrogant, opinionated, rude, she is unpopular. And finds herself transferred.
She is sent to an “investment,” a tiny, third rate talent agency.
The biggest star is a one-hit wonder from thirty years previous.
Undaunted, she tries to find fresh talent, and sets out to understand the entertainment industry.
For fans of this type (eg: Day For Night), there is a tremendous amount of backstage doings.
Work as an extra, bit parts, lead role in a cheap, late night program.
As with most J-doramas, there is a degree of “japaneseness,” meaning this show was created for the home market, and not with an eye toward a Western audience.
Central themes of teamwork and family come to the fore.
At 20 episodes, this does breathe a bit, and all characters, even those in a few episodes, contribute meaningfully.
Emotional roller coaster at times. No tears, as found in K-dramas. Just dreams fulfilled or destroyed.
Guilty pleasure, this.

If subtitles are needed, I heavily reworked marsa’s original subs.
Removed all overlapping lines, broke up over-long lines, corrected minor spelling errors, clarified syntax
and Westernized grammar. Also used Yekaterina Sobkov’ya’s translation for “Step By Step.”
Available – https://sub.imvsdata.com/subtitles/bijo-to-danshi/english/2051104

Orchestra Class - 2017 - 6/10
AKA - La Mélodie

Out of work concert violinist accepts a school position.
Teaching junior high (middle school) students to play violin.
The class seems primarily immigrant children, many disruptive and argumentative.
So, the instructor has got his work cut out.
Oh wait! One of the children appears gifted!
Hey! There will be an end of term concert!
Will youngsters who don’t even know how to hold a violin, let alone fingering, be ready?
Feel good material, better than Hollywood schmaltz. Different, but on par with Swing Girls.

Bright Leaves - 2003 - 7/10

Gaze longingly, nicotine fiends. Green fields of burley.
Ross McElwee documentary about the decline of great grandfather’s empire, and tobacco itself.
The sire brought out the Durham Bull blend, crushed when Duke released pre-rolled Bull Durham cigarettes.
Duke today is a charitable foundation, a university, global empire, and probably the cause of millions of cancer deaths.
McElwee is forgotten, though survives in an old Gary Cooper film, Bright Leaf (that was blend that grew in North Carolina).
This follows the typical meandering pace of all Ross McElwee docs, delivered in his soft Southern cadence, and his usual wit.
Definitely worth seeing, though Sherman’s March is McElwee’s most accessible flick and the one to hunt down.

Iron Sky: Director’s Cut - 2012 - 6/10

Nazis! On the Moon!
A battalion of the Third Reich fled WWII aftermath and hid out on the dark side of the Moon.
Sixty years later, their base is discovered and they launch blitzkrieg.
Funny satire with great looking old school contraptions.
Political / military humor was dead on, Sarah Palin lookalike as gun totin’ US President! What’s not to like?
Other elements felt forced. Example: the racial purity storyline.
Still quite funny with unexpectedly nice SciFi action sequences.
The Director’s Cut added additional special effects after early profits rolled in.
The sequel … dear me …. How could the creative team have stumbled so ineptly?

The Sign Of Four - 1932 - 6/10

Downright creaky rendition of the detective mystery.
Arthur Wontner looks like the oldest filmed Holmes, though resemblance to the Paget drawings is uncanny.
This comes across, to this viewer, as a bridge between the theatre versions (Gillette, Saintsbury), and Universal adaptations (Rathbone).
This may prove too modern for purists, as there are motorcars, as well as speedboats.
There are also a few elements from other stories cobbled in.
Nevertheless, this is well done. You could do a lot worse.

Grave Robbers - 1989 - 6/10
AKA - Ladrones de Tumbas

The Holy Inquisition prepares to execute a Satanist.
“You wait! I will be back! Generations from now, I will – aarrgghh.”
Sure enough, 300 years later a truckload of twenty year olds break into the cemetery.
Nearby, four girls set up their campsite. And – two peasants saunter in their horses.
What’s that add up to? Lots of killin’, Fred.
Mexican horror film borrows from dozens of films. Who cares?
Mayhem in the cemetery, in the crypt, in the graveyard, in the desert, in the church.
This dashes merrily along, full of energy, blood everywhere.

Football’s Fight Club - 2002 - 7/10

Two part BBC documentary about the rise of football hooligans in the 70’s.
Casuals, firms, riots on the island and abroad.
Comprehensive and well done.
The copy I saw left much to be desired, as it came from a YouTube broadcast.
Essential viewing for rowdier viewers to look for themselves!

A Lonely Place To Die - 2011 - 6/10

Pursuit thriller set in the Scottish highlands.
Group of vacationing mountain climbers discovered a kidnapped child.
They free, only to discover the kidnappers are murderous.
The chase is on, and our increasingly stupid climbers barely keep one step ahead of the kidnappers.
The “victim” was an annoying, shrill screamer, and the climbers kept yelling, “Where are you? Where are you?” every time they eluded their trackers.
Plot twists were fairly unexpected, location shots were great, story is formula.

Joseon X-Files - 2010 - 7/10
AKA - Gichalbirok // 기찰비록

Young official is hired by Imperial house to investigate unexplained phenomena.
He gets a superstitious strong man cop for muscle, and teams with a scientific, medical female.
Their boss is a chain smoking (pipe) shadowy man who always knows much more than they do.
Sound familiar? Except this riff on the X-Files is set in 17th century Joseon (Korea).
Twelve episodes that include extra-terrestrials, alternate realities, witchcraft, political cults, and a couple head scratchers.
Definitely worth tracking down if you are a jonesin’ for fresh Mulder and Scully fare.