Mike O said:
Jetrell Fo said:
Mike O said:
Abilify is up to 10mg. The doctor said I can experiment a little with the Klonopin. My mother is a nervous wreck about sucking down there psychotropics. The side effects so far-fatigue and soreness-suck, and the intrusive thoughts still sort of come and go. I know, itās been a few days, be patient. But fuck, itās hard. My fat butt has gained a little weight too, and unhealthy. To be fair, all it does is rain; I may excercise if it ever warms up. God, this is hard. Iām scared of the drugs and the side effects, but when they help even a little, I want to say āgimme more.ā Klonopin is a Benzedrine, and Iām really scared of the prospect of addiction. I just want to be fucking normal again.
I donāt see that youāre āsuckingā down the psychotropics. You are taking them as prescribed which would be in a timed fashion per day. As for the exercise ā¦ there is plenty you can do at home when weather is inclement. If you are truly worried about the Kolonopin then maybe you should just ask for something else due to your fear. As long as you respect the medication and only take it as prescribed you should not be worrying about something that might be helping you.
Iād like to ask what you consider ānormalā? Maybe understanding the actual goal you are trying to reach would help your parents and those of us that support you do so better.
āNormalā would be back to the way I was before this happened. With my faith cracked, I donāt know if thatāll ever be possible again. Ever. Iām concerned about the side effects too, sleeping all day and this endless exhaustion. Iām going to tell my doctor about it next time I see him. But then weāre back to square one with the medication roulette. Iām see the actual diagnosing psychologist in a few weeks, so itās not like Iām relying solely on medicine.
Warning: rant coming. And a long one. Got into it a little bit with my mother last night. Since Iām sleeping too much and frequently lethargic, my mother is upset, and so is my dad, that Iām on too much medication and Iām kind of becoming a zombie. Now, they have a good point. And Iām currently questioning if the medication is helping as much as it should. But I think that they think itās just my depression, and they both have that. Itās not. Itās also this pseudo-OCD, and I canāt talk to my mother about that at all because of the religious nature of it. It takes time for your body to adjust to medication, and medication has side effects. I get that. And Iāll be honest, both my dadās doctor and my psychiatrist scare me a little. Iāve never been assertive with authority figures. And the medicine does help. Sometimes. Somewhat. They donāt know how I feel. And it does take time for your body to adjust. But Iāve had that time, they argue. And given that itās been months, they arenāt wrong. But in a way, I think I secretly like it. Sleep is the ONLY respite I get from this. So if Iām sleeping more, whatās so wrong with that? Other than, you know, sleeping my life away and wasting it. Itās hard to see any further into the future than the end of my shift at work with the condition Iām currently in. Iām just SO sick of fighting. I donāt have the strength to do this day after day, this isnāt much of a kind of living.
āYouāre on too much medication!ā She says. Sheās probably right. I donāt know anymore. But this is a constant battle. Like they said, Iām going to have to exercise every day, work at this every day. Medicine isnāt magic. Thereās no simple solution. This just came out of nowhere a year or so ago, prior to which I was fine except for my frustrating inability to move forward with my life. Now thereās this mess. And itās just not getting better. I say Iām trying. Am I? I am, but not as hard as I should. But thatās hard. Itās hard to fight and live like this every fucking day. I need some way to stabilize it and control it. Iāll never be back to normal. My faith is too cracked now, and too much damage has been done. But maybe I can repair something and try to regain whatās left of my life, rebuild it somehow. But thatās sure a lot easier said than done. It just seems like a no-win situation.
Whatās most frustrating is that with my brotherās wedding coming up, my mother is almost angry with me. She insists that Iād better smile through the whole thing, horrified a single picture will really show me, and wants me walking every day because of the damn weight gain sheās alleging she sees from the medicine. I bluntly think this is pretty unfair. Iām hurting. I hurt a lot. And sheās concerned about how I look in public? Itās hard enough to function at work. Iāll be honest, Iām a little bit angry with her that she so damn concerned about public appearance that she isnāt necessarily taking my feelings into consideration as much as she should. Or least is much as I think she should.
I do have one or two questions if youād consider indulging me. What exactly were you like before you really noticed the change and what do you believe actually tipped the scales and caused the change that is affecting you?
I am sorry that your parents may not be taking this as seriously as you obviously would like them to be. You want them to be parents and not critics. It can be difficult considering the religious factor and maybe whatever their upbringings have brought to the table for them. We ARE here and we ARE listening. Please keep communicating with us as you can.
We support you Mike.
