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Jedi Master

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Join date
30-Mar-2003
Last activity
5-Jan-2007
Posts
421

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Post
#229340
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/229340/action/topic#229340
Time
BLONDE COOKBOOK DIARY

MONDAY:

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said
beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some
extra bowls.


TUESDAY:

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for
supper.


WEDNESDAY:

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the
rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it
improved the rice any.


THURSDAY:

Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me
why I was rolling around in the garden.


FRIDAY:

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl
and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I
got back, everything was the same as when I left.


SATURDAY:

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.


SUNDAY:

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven
and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my
disappointment.


GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.

This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger
oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.
Post
#208820
Topic
Could it be?
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/208820/action/topic#208820
Time
I got the news from the official website at http://www.starwars.com/episode-iv/release/video/news20060503.html

This September: Original Unaltered Trilogy on DVD
May 03, 2006

Fans can look forward to a September filled with classic Star Wars nostalgia, led by the premiere of LEGO Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy video game and the long-awaited DVD release of the original theatrical incarnations of the classic Star Wars trilogy.

In response to overwhelming demand, Lucasfilm Ltd. and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment will release attractively priced individual two-disc releases of Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Each release includes the 2004 digitally remastered version of the movie and, as bonus material, the theatrical edition of the film. That means you'll be able to enjoy Star Wars as it first appeared in 1977, Empire in 1980, and Jedi in 1983.

See the title crawl to Star Wars before it was known as Episode IV; see the pioneering, if dated, motion control model work on the attack on the Death Star; groove to Lapti Nek or the Ewok Celebration song like you did when you were a kid; and yes, see Han Solo shoot first.

This release will only be available for a limited time: from September 12th to December 31st. International release will follow on or about the same day. Each original theatrical version will feature Dolby 2.0 Surround sound, close-captioning, and subtitles in English, French and Spanish for their U.S. release. International sound and subtitling vary by territory.

"Over the years, a truly countless number of fans have told us that they would love to see and own the original version that they remember experiencing in theaters," said Jim Ward, President of LucasArts and Senior Vice President of Lucasfilm Ltd. "We returned to the Lucasfilm Archives to search exhaustively for source material that could be presented on DVD. This is something that we're very excited to be able to give to fans in response to their continuing enthusiasm for Star Wars. Topping it off with a new interactive adventure makes September 12 a red-letter day for Star Wars fans."

That's also the day fans will be able to experience the LEGO Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy video game, the action-packed sequel -- filled with tongue-in-cheek humor -- to one of the best selling video games of 2005. To see the trailer to the new game from LucasArts and TT Games, click here!

Click here to order your copy of the game today. To order the first in a series of t-shirts to commemorate the return of the original unaltered trilogy, click here.

This information Came from the official Star Wars website at: http://www.starwars.com/episode-iv/release/video/news20060503.html
Post
#186690
Topic
R.I.P. Don Knotts
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/186690/action/topic#186690
Time
Comedic Actor Don Knotts Dies At 81
By JEREMIAH MARQUEZ, AP

LOS ANGELES (Feb. 25) - Don Knotts, the skinny, lovable nerd who kept generations of television audiences laughing as bumbling Deputy Barney Fife on "The Andy Griffith Show," has died. He was 81.
Knotts died Friday night of pulmonary and respiratory complications at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills, said Paul Ward, a spokesman for the cable network TV Land, which airs "The Andy Griffith Show," and another Knotts hit, "Three's Company."

Unspecified health problems had forced him to cancel an appearance in his native Morgantown in August 2005.

The West Virginia-born actor's half-century career included seven TV series and more than 25 films, but it was the Griffith show that brought him TV immortality and five Emmies.

The show ran from 1960-68, and was in the top 10 of the Nielsen ratings each season, including a No. 1 ranking its final year. It is one of only three series in TV history to bow out at the top: The others are "I Love Lucy" and "Seinfeld." The 249 episodes have appeared frequently in reruns and have spawned a large, active network of fan clubs.

As the bug-eyed deputy to Griffith, Knotts carried in his shirt pocket the one bullet he was allowed after shooting himself in the foot. The constant fumbling, a recurring sight gag, was typical of his self-deprecating humor.

Knotts, whose shy, soft-spoken manner was unlike his high-strung characters, once said he was most proud of the Fife character and doesn't mind being remembered that way.

His favorite episodes, he said, were "The Pickle Story," where Aunt Bea makes pickles no one can eat, and "Barney and the Choir," where no one can stop him from singing.

"I can't sing. It makes me sad that I can't sing or dance well enough to be in a musical, but I'm just not talented in that way," he lamented. "It's one of my weaknesses."


02/25/06 17:31 EST
Post
#175731
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/175731/action/topic#175731
Time
Little Johnny's Most Wanted

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny then asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


Little Johnny's Equine Education

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Looking worried, Johnny said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"


Little Johnny's Report Card

Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."

Johnny replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


Little Johnny Names The Lakes

Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"

You know Johnny, always fast with an answer, pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."


Little Johnny Learns Proper Grammar

During a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just #$&#*&^# beautiful!"


Johnny's Math Lesson

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.

"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"

"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.
Post
#175230
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/175230/action/topic#175230
Time
NFL Cutbacks

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, Causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.
Post
#175225
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/175225/action/topic#175225
Time
Little Johnny's Teacher

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am," he replied, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


Little Johnny's Beautiful Mom

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"


Little Johnny's Candy Bars

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"


Little Johnny's Aching Side

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


Little Johnny Knows His Numbers

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Post
#162371
Topic
Richard Pryor (1940-2005) R.I.P.
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/162371/action/topic#162371
Time
Actor-Comedian Dies at 65 of Heart Attack
'He Did Not Suffer, He Went Quickly,' Pryor's Wife Says
By JEREMIAH MARQUEZ, AP

LOS ANGELES (Dec. 10) - Richard Pryor, the groundbreaking comedian whose profanely personal insights into race relations and modern life made him one of Hollywood's biggest stars, died of a heart attack. He was 65.
Pryor died shortly before 8 a.m. Saturday after being taken to a hospital from his home in the San Fernando Valley, said his business manager, Karen Finch. He had been ill for years with multiple sclerosis, a degenerative disease of the nervous system.
Music producer Quincy Jones described Pryor as a true pioneer of his art.

"He was the Charlie Parker of comedy, a master of telling the truth that influenced every comedian that came after him," Jones said in a statement. "The legacy that he leaves will forever be with us."

Pryor lived dangerously close to the edge, both on stage and off.

He was regarded early in his career as one of the most foul-mouthed comics in the business, but he gained a wide following for his universal and frequently personal routines. After nearly losing his life in 1980 when he caught on fire while freebasing cocaine, he incorporated the ordeal into his later routines.

His audacious style influenced generations of stand-up artists, from Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock to Robin Williams and David Letterman, among others.

A series of hit comedies and concert films in the '70s and '80s helped make Pryor one of the highest paid stars in Hollywood, and he was one of the first black performers to have enough leverage to cut his own deals. In 1983, he signed a $40 million, five-year contract with Columbia Pictures.

His films included "Stir Crazy," "Silver Streak," "Which Way Is Up?" and "Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip."

Throughout his career, Pryor focused on racial inequality, once joking as the host of the Academy Awards in 1977 that Harry Belafonte and Sidney Poitier were the only black members of the Academy.

Pryor once marveled "that I live in racist America and I'm uneducated, yet a lot of people love me and like what I do, and I can make a living from it. You can't do much better than that."

But he battled drug and alcohol addictions for years, most notably when he suffered severe burns over 50 percent of his body while freebasing at his home. An admitted "junkie" at the time, Pryor spent six weeks recovering from the burns and much longer from his addictions.

He battled multiple sclerosis throughout the '90s.

In his last movie, the 1991 bomb "Another You," Pryor's poor health was clearly evident. Pryor made a comeback attempt the following year, returning to standup comedy in clubs and on television while looking thin and frail, and with noticeable speech and movement difficulties.

In 1995, he played an embittered multiple sclerosis patient in an episode of the television series "Chicago Hope." The role earned him an Emmy nomination as best guest actor in a drama series.

"To be diagnosed was the hardest thing because I didn't know what they were talking about," he said. "And the doctor said `Don't worry, in three months you'll know.'

"So I went about my business and then, one day, it jumped me. I couldn't get up. ... Your muscles trick you; they did me."

While Pryor's material sounds modest when compared with some of today's raunchier comedians, it was startling material when first introduced. He never apologized for it.
Pryor was fired by one Las Vegas hotel for "obscenities" directed at the audience. In 1970, tired of compromising his act, he quit in the middle of another Vegas stage show with the words, "What the (blank) am I doing here?" The audience was left staring at an empty stage.

He didn't tone things down after he became famous. In his 1977 NBC television series "The Richard Pryor Show," he threatened to cancel his contract with the network. NBC's censors objected to a skit in which Pryor appeared naked save for a flesh-colored loincloth to suggest he was emasculated.

"I wish that every new and young comedian would understand what Richard was about and not confuse his genius with his language usage," comedian Bill Cosby said through a spokesman Saturday.

In his later years, Pryor mellowed considerably, and his film roles looked more like easy paychecks than artistic endeavors. His robust work gave way to torpid efforts like "Harlem Nights," "Brewster's Millions" and "Hear No Evil, See No Evil."

"I didn't think `Brewster's Millions' was good to begin with," Pryor once said. "I'm sorry, but they offered us the money. I was a pig, I got greedy."

"I had some great things and I had some bad things. The best and the worst," he said in 1995. "In other words, I had a life."

Recognition came in 1998 from an unlikely source: The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington gave Pryor the first Mark Twain Prize for humor. He said in a statement that he was proud that, "like Mark Twain, I have been able to use humor to lessen people's hatred."

Born in 1940 in Peoria, Illinois, Pryor grew up in his grandmother's brothel. His first professional performance came at age 7, when he played drums at a night club.

Following high school and two years of Army service, he launched his performing career, honing his comedy in bars throughout the United States. By the mid-'60s, he was appearing in Las Vegas clubs and on the television shows of Ed Sullivan, Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson.

His first film role came with a small part in 1967's "The Busy Body." He made his starring debut as Diana Ross' piano man in 1972's "Lady Sings the Blues."

Pryor also wrote scripts for the television series "Sanford and Son," "The Flip Wilson Show" and two specials for Lily Tomlin. He collaborated with Mel Brooks on the script for the movie "Blazing Saddles."

Later in his career, Pryor used his films as therapy. "Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life is Calling," was an autobiographical account of a popular comedian re-examining his life while lying delirious in a hospital burn ward. Pryor directed, co-wrote, co-produced and starred in the film.

"I'm glad I did `Jo Jo,"' Pryor once said. "It helped me get rid of a lot of stuff."

Pryor also had legal problems over the years. In 1974, he was sentenced to three years' probation for failing to file federal income tax returns. In 1978, he allegedly fired shots and rammed his car into a vehicle occupied by two of his wife's friends.

Even in poor health, his comedy was vital. At a 1992 performance, he asked the room, "Is there a doctor in the audience?" All he got was nervous laughter. "No, I'm serious. I want to know if there's a doctor here."

A hand finally went up.

"Doctor," Pryor said, "I need to know one thing. What the (blank) is MS?"

Pryor was married six times. His children include sons Richard and Steven, and daughters Elizabeth, Rain and Renee.

Daughter Rain became an actress. In an interview in 2005, she told the Philadelphia Inquirer that her father always "put his life right out there for you to look at. I took that approach because I saw how well audiences respond to it. I try to make you laugh at life."


12/10/05 19:21 EST


Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.
Post
#156529
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/156529/action/topic#156529
Time
The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
Post
#155816
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/155816/action/topic#155816
Time
Woodpecker Knowledge...


A Hawaiian Woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were arguing about which
place had the toughest trees... The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they
had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.


The Canadian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the
tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck
a Canadian tree that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker
expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to Canada, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the
Tree with no problem.


The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Canadian
woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian
woodpecker
was able to peck the Canadian tree when neither one was able to peck the
tree in their own country?
After much woodpeckering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
Post
#148067
Topic
Which did you prefer, the SE or the 2004 DVD edition?
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/148067/action/topic#148067
Time
If anyone here wants to buy the special edition versions of the Star Wars trilogy, here's a report from DVDFile.com.



LucasFilm and Fox have announced that they're repackaging and re-releasing a Star Wars Trilogy Limited Edition box set on 6 December; it will cost $49.98. These are the special edition versions of episodes 4 through 6, and will be available in both full-frame and widescreen editions. The fourth bonus disc from last year's box set is not included; this is a 3-disc set.
Post
#130924
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/130924/action/topic#130924
Time
Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I want the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later, the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"


You're gonna LOVE me for this....




The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
Post
#130923
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/130923/action/topic#130923
Time
Read It All

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only premium numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL of your beer.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

If the "Bedtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98/2000/XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.

******* And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone.

By the way, if you are a blonde, this is a joke.
Post
#126846
Topic
Space Shuttle
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/126846/action/topic#126846
Time
Yeah, but then everyting that's too cool to explore in the ocean is too deep. The Titanic may only be approximately two miles down, but experts say that the ocean goes far deeper than that. What if the Lochness Monster really does exist? What if aquatic dinosaurs are really at the bottom of the ocean? Scientists say that we don't have any kind of device that can withstand the water pressure to go that deep. But nevertheless, it's the mystery of the unknown that makes it so interesting. Is there really life on other planets? The possibilities are limitless.