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Jedi Master

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Join date
30-Mar-2003
Last activity
5-Jan-2007
Posts
421

Post History

Post
#99596
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/99596/action/topic#99596
Time
Lights Out


There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastage," She screamed at
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids"
Post
#99595
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/99595/action/topic#99595
Time
Church Upgrades

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to the church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"However," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, son, but that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell," just can't stay on the church roof!"
Post
#98488
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/98488/action/topic#98488
Time
Say Something Good

Harvey and Gladys Williams are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Post
#97330
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/97330/action/topic#97330
Time
THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER



From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside of a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said:

"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Post
#96821
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/96821/action/topic#96821
Time
Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't
be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't
have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained
twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for
four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it
would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just
like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he
burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your
other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't
get the tailgate down!


There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Post
#95959
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/95959/action/topic#95959
Time
Politically Correct


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" –

She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" –

She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" –

She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" –

She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" –

She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" –

She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" –

She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" –

She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you –

She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" –

She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" –

She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" –

She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" –

He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" –

He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" –

He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" –

He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" –

He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" –

He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" –

He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" –

He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" –

He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" –

He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants –

It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
Post
#95534
Topic
Cartoons!
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/95534/action/topic#95534
Time
Quote
Originally posted by: TheSessler
You do realize you are on a Star Wars board, right? Its in our very nature to nitpick and over-analyze.

You are not wholly incapable of overanalyzing yourself, believe me. I mean, you just overanalyzed and nitpicked our overanalyzing and nitpicking


I didn't overanalyze anything. It would be impossible to miss all of this fuss you're raising over such minute details of a show. It's like watching a certain movie for the first time. If you walk in expecting an average so-so movie, and it's about as good as you expected, you walk out relatively satisfied. If you go in expecting a huge blockbuster movie, and it turns out to be just an average movie, you walk out that much more disappointed. Your final opinion of a show or movie depends greatly on the expectations you have before you watch it. That was the point I was trying to get across. You're not going to like something, unless it lives up to your expectations.

But that's the key! Don't psychoanalyze everything and don't expect much. If it exceeds your expectations, it's that much more rewarding. I've noticed that the people who did the voices of the Thundercats also did the voices of extras. Do I care? No!
Post
#95513
Topic
Cartoons!
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/95513/action/topic#95513
Time
You guys have a tendency to psychoanalyze everything. So Clark Kent and Superman look alot alike. So what, if Prince Adam looks alot like He-Man. So what? Who gives a rat's ass? They were comic book and cartoon characters, for god's sake. Who cares if Snarf and Orko (not sure if that's the correct spelling) were part of the series'. They never bothered me. But, even if they did, they were each just one character out of many in their respective series'. Trust me, if you quit overanalyzing everything about a T.V. show, and just enjoy it for the entertainment it was meant for, you'll like it a hell of a lot more.
Post
#95506
Topic
Beautiful Women
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/95506/action/topic#95506
Time
Quote
Originally posted by: Darth Chaltab
Emaciated?


Pronunciation: i-'mA-shE-"At
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): -at·ed; -at·ing
Etymology: Latin emaciatus, past participle of emaciare, from e- + macies leanness, from macer lean —more at MEAGER
Date: 1646
intransitive senses
: to waste away physically
transitive senses
1 : to cause to lose flesh so as to become very thin
2 : to make feeble
- ema·ci·a·tion /-"mA-s(h)E-'A-sh&n/ noun
Post
#95087
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/95087/action/topic#95087
Time
Too True To Be Funny...

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.--but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyster suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet. After the laughter had died down, the bartender said O. K., grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS." ..
Post
#94924
Topic
just a thought
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/94924/action/topic#94924
Time
Quote
Originally posted by: ricarleite
OK, so let's combine a code, like Houdini did with his wife. If anyone dies, he must get back here as a spirit, take over the body of someone, and post the message with your user name, and the word... uh... "gesundheit".


The word "gesundheit" is german for "good health", ricarleite. It's what you say to someone that just sneezed. Whoever dies won't exactly be in the best of health. If they come back as a ghost, make the password "Boooooo!" or something like that.
Post
#94789
Topic
Cartoons!
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/94789/action/topic#94789
Time
Great news for any Thundercats fan. Warner Brothers is supposedly getting a Season 1, Volume 1 ready. Here's the article I got from TVShowsOnDVD.com:

Quote
Thundercats - Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, Thundercats Ho! DVDs on the way!
Posted by David Lambert
2/23/2005


Feel the magic! Hear the roar! Join the powerful Thundercats as they battle the evil forces of Mumm-Ra and his servants of doom. Lion-O, the young but courageous leader, wards off evil attackers with the help of the mighty Sword of Omens, which holds the mystical Eye of ThunDera jewel...the source of the Thundercats' power! Lion-O, Panthro, Cheetara, Tygra, WilyKat, Wilykit, Snarf and the spirit of Jaga join Lord Lion-O at Cats' Lair, protecting Third Earth from Mumm-Ra and his mutants from Castle Plun-Darr!

This beloved Rankin-Bass animated series from 1985 is coming home to DVD very soon, according to Warner Home Video. A 3-disc set called Thundercats - Season 1, Volume 1 is expected to arrive in the May/June timeframe. An exact date has yet to be announced. Stay tuned, and we'll bring you details and cover art just as soon as we can!

Post
#94788
Topic
Riddles
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/94788/action/topic#94788
Time
You ask the first guard what he's wearing and ask the other guard if freedom is behind his door. If the first guard tells you the truth, you'll know the other one will lie. If he lies, you know the other one will tell the truth. Either way, you'll know which door to go out.
Post
#94657
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/94657/action/topic#94657
Time
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here".

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green, Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I cut off your arms!"

16. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.


17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

18. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

19. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Post
#94601
Topic
Cartoons!
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/94601/action/topic#94601
Time
That's one of the things that makes Spider-Man human. He has average every day problems like everyone else, plus the not so average problems of a superhero. His frustrations made him someone that people could relate to. He was realistic in that sense. That is one of the main reasons the character itself became so popular in the first place.
Post
#94585
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/94585/action/topic#94585
Time
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
Post
#94563
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/94563/action/topic#94563
Time
Bra Sizes

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F,G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! {A} Almost Boobs. (B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! (D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. (G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up.
Post
#94562
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/94562/action/topic#94562
Time
A Baptist Bra

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the sales lady "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked? "What kind of bra?" He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted. "Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.

Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type." Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?" The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Baptist type for?" They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."