EddieDean

Isn’t that gorgeous…!

Hal 9000 said:

Okay, I don’t know if that’s helpful as I’m just giving you my thoughts as I imagine having them if this were a new show.

Totally useful Hal, thanks. It’s really useful to have these eyes. This arc does indeed set up some important clones coming forward, and like you say, this (and a couple of the earlier episodes) establish much more of clone personality. As you’ve noticed, they’re not docile/obedient… Though essentially the main clone plot throughout this show is an exploration of their relationship with their orders, mostly shown through Captain Rex, who gets some interesting loyalty based storylines.

The quick pacing is really quite a feature of the original show - it did absolutely whip past. But I think that helps me, because if I have to trim, and the resultant pacing is still quick, well, it’s not jarring.

ildiem said:

I’ve kinda been a lurker on this thread for a little while (everything looks really awesome by the way) but I decided to actually sign up today so hello!

All that being said, could I have a link to the tracker please?

Sent!

Oh, Chase, these are amazing buddy! Goddamn, the sheer quality that these’ll add to the presentation is amazing.

I absolutely LOVE the one with sunbeams over waves.

Could the fifth one from Domino Squad be either of these please?
https://lumiere-a.akamaihd.net/v1/images/open-uri20150608-27674-1np23jr_fd474fb4.jpeg
https://lumiere-a.akamaihd.net/v1/images/open-uri20150608-27674-1icd57i_7d077725.jpeg

OK, so I had some extra time today so decided to plan the Nightsisters arc.

This was always going to be a straightforward one, because it’s just totally great and has a nice linear structure.

I thought about splitting the episode between the end of Monster (where Savage has just killed two Jedi and is now thoroughly ‘at large’) and the beginning of Witches (where the Jedi Council recover the two Jedi bodies and put Anakin and Obi-Wan on the case), and maybe putting another couple of episodes in between the two. But ultimately Witches brings the emotional arcs (Ventress’ and Savage’s) to a conclusion, plus I do want the Maul hint ASAP, so I think it is worth whipping through this one as a whole, just with a wipe between those two episodes that maybe represents a couple of days. But no “X DAYS LATER” text, I don’t think. Let’s just power through.

Nightsisters is basically fine as-is. I might trim a line where Dooku’s droid commander clarifies that shooting a ship will result in killing those on board rather than just obeying right away, and I might trim a very little of when Ventress is recovered by the scrapper crew (necessary since she then uses that ship). I’ll use the opening fight between Ventress, Anakin and Obi-Wan as the cold open.

Monster is a little slow in the middle when it’s just the selection process, so I might trim that down to just highlight Savage’s relationship with Feral (worthwhile since he kills him later) and just get through the combats quickly. I might also trim the line where Dooku thinks that he and Savage will overthrow Sidious, I know that’s a whole Sith thing but it’s a bit early to talk about overthrowing I reckon.

Witches of the Mist is also super, I’m going to trim Anakin saying he’s “popular with the ladies”. It’s OK when clones joke about it since they’ve been isolated and are entirely male, so it’s OK if women are something of a fascination for them, but I don’t think Anakin joking about being a hit with the girls quite lands right. I’m also going to cut most of Savage on Toydaria killing King Katunko, and having Obi-Wan and Anakin there. Now, he’ll be sent there by Dooku (and Anakin and Obi-Wan sent there by Talzin) but we’ll cut straight to Dooku throwing Katunko’s body on the floor of Dooku’s ship, and then have Obi-Wan and Anakin arrive afterwards but notice the ship in orbit so head there first. That won’t explain why they have a Toydarian style ship (not that it’s too obviously Toydarian), but they have resources behind them so if we have to I think we can assume they stopped off with a fleet to get something more appropriate. The gain here being that the less we can see Toydarians, the better.

Interestingly, this storyline almost needs no intro crawl, because it covers everything off within the episode itself, so this is actually a cool opportunity to fill that text with context for Nightsisters and some state of the galaxy stuff. Since this episode opens on Sullust, which has shipyards, we’ve now had a first season where the Separatists have struck at Christophsis (unknown purpose), medical stations (heal clones), Kamino (create clones), and Sullust (build ships). This all reads as the Separatists spending the first few battles of the war attempting to cripple the Republic before it can properly mobilise. So I may go through some past crawls and make that clearer. Having failed to do any of these things, we can then establish that the Republic now have a foothold from which they can grow their military forces, whereas the Separatists still have the overwhelming numbers.

In this scenario, I might like to recontextualise Christophsis as something equally strategic. Right now in canon it has no known purpose. Since it’s a crystalline planet I might have it as a munitions producer (you could imagine that the crystals become part of blasters, perhaps), or since a shield is part of the Christophsis episode’s plot, maybe it produces force shields for the republic, which implicitly the Separatists acquire after Ventress’ fleet suprises the gang. Interested in people’s thoughts here.

We’ve now had two (long) episodes in a row without Ahsoka, so I might reorder these six episodes as follows:
Christophsis > Mandalore > Malevolence > Domino Squad > Cloak of Darkness > Nightsisters. That balances Ahsoka versus no Ahsoka, and also balances our best episodes this season against our worst. We can then explain that, in the latter half of this season where shit is really kicking off in key Republic areas, Ahsoka’s off with Luminara for a bit. This unbalances Ventress a bit but I think it’s more important to balance Ahsoka.

Oh, I’m seeing it through to the end, no need to worry about that!

Having this be a two-way dialogue is extremely motivating too. Your ideas, suggestions, tweaks and help are all really valuable and it makes me feel like collectively we can pick out the best version of these episodes and this show. It’s also very motivating to know they’re well received. I don’t take the criticism badly because it’s all very constructive and vital to the success of the project - but hearing the good bits and that my episodes are considered an improvement really charges my batteries.

s01e06 Nightsisters and s01e00 Tartakovsky1 should be quite easy edits, so expect them fairly soon. Nightsisters will just be a merge and polish, and Tartakovsky1 is just a couple of easy trims. I think I won’t mess with the presentation of Tartakovsky1 too much - I think I’ll keep its original CLONE WARS logo, intro, and outro, rather than using the conventions of TCW:Refocused.

After that I’ve got s02e01 Ryloth, which is going to be another complex edit since it’s five episodes I don’t want all of, but after Ryloth almost all of season 2 are very easy edits.

Well, thanks! I didn’t intend to do the project myself when I made my first post, that was only intended to be an idea. And I’m really not one for projects, I generally don’t pick up creative hobbies. But as soon as I realised that there was support behind the idea and that I’d kind of been editing it in my head for about a decade, I realised I might be the right person to pick it up. That’s not to pat myself on the back too much, I don’t think I’m particularly skilled, it’s more to say that I’ve found I’m extremely motivated to do this, so it would be a shame to not allow that motivation to determine my course for a bit.

Guys, I do have to thank you all again for being cool with me producing episodes in this format. If I can produce release cuts first, which show my intentions without being necessarily completely polished, I get such valuable feedback from you all that it makes the final outputs that much better.

I’m always anxious about presenting you guys with a first cut of these episodes that means your first experience of each isn’t a perfect one, but it means that in the longer run the episodes will come out stronger.

Of course, for those who want a perfect first time, they still have the option to wait.

Ice said:

The blue text mentions Rex “patrolling” facilities, but shouldn’t it be “inspecting”?

I kind of wanted to imply he was broadly keeping an eye on everything (for at least a couple of weeks or more) in the whole area Grievous was last seen in. Do you reckon this doesn’t quite work?

I feel the “Two weeks later” could use a second or two more black screen before the visuals of the next scene start. Also perhaps surge of music just before this (as we focus on Hevy’s face) to further the idea that 99’s words have landed.

Agreed. I’m quickly learning that major transitions are often accompanied by musical swells, which is obviously not easy to produce since they’re not naturally there. But I’ll see what I can do to enhance the music in these areas. At least McFibb’s intro and outro will solve that for the major transitions.

Other than that I was very pleased with everything - it felt contained and better than the three original episodes

Super!

Donated with thanks, Ady. I hope you get all you need and then some.

Wexter said:

Just before we go to the crawl, there is a fade to black which I think could use some retiming. As it is, it fades slowly and we get just a brief glimpse of El-Les before going completely dark. This feels off. I suggest either fading earlier or later.

Agreed. The music is very light here, so I opted to fade, but something a bit more punctual might be nicer. There’re a few options in this area though, so I’ll look around.

When the clones escape the base, the droids report four clones having escaped. However, when we next meet the group, only three are present. This should probably be addressed in some way.

That’s a fair point. I was aiming to have them be offscreen entirely until they’re discovered by Rex and Cody, and to justify the suprise worm, I added later dialogue where they talk about it (“That’s a worm, that’s why we have the regulation not to go outside”). Problem is, it’s quite an ugly scene, so I’d hope to avoid it. I’ll see what options I have.

The reunion scene with 99 could also use some trimming. Echo mentions the generals receiving word of an impending attack, which seems a bit odd considering they themselves witnessed the separatist fleet moving in. Not sure what the options here are, though.

That’s a good point, I was more in the mindset of trimming the medal than the dialogue here. I’ll check over it again. Unfortunately 99 does kind of breeze past Hevy’s death, but that’s all I have to work with. I enjoyed ending up with a trim that makes him more immediately show he’s ready for battle though - he’s a soldier through and through.

Knight of Kalee said:
CLONE CADETS
The cold open was a great suggestion. Starting right into the action makes the episode engaging from the start, for a moment I forgot we hadn’t had any credits yet 😄 And the rest is history. I agree with Wexter regarding the timing of the fade to black.

Yeah, good call Ice.

Good call on adding Fives referring to Echo by name! The new establishing shots before the test fit really nicely and the transition flows great.

Yup, another good community suggestion.

I’d say keep the talk between Shaak Ti and Lama Su, if just for the worldbuilding aspect and to give Shaak at least a bit of screentime.

I agree with you on this one, I think it’ll add a little value later.

Hevy and 99’s talk worked better than in the preliminary versions. Regarding the transition to Rookies, I’d say it would feel more natural with a couple seconds more of black screen with the “Two weeks later” card before the establishing shot.

Agreed. I’ll play around with this more.

On the matter of technical issues, Commander Colt’s second line of dialogue still gets lost among the sound mixing. The first one is corrected though 😃 Also, after Brick says “More like an impossible task”, a very faint line can be heard on the left channel of him saying “You can’t be serious, Eiles”. Is that supposed to be an unpolished part of the edit or is a remnant of a cut exchange? I’m leaning towards the latter.

Good spots. These are both issues caused by having some dialogue appear on the tracks with the music on, which makes it harder to fix. I might not be able to fix the Colt line, but I can probably tighten up Bric and El-Les talk.

I kind of missed Cutup’s death. I know we don’t spend much time with him in this version but, still, it’s a brief scene that also sets up the threat of the Eel (this creature feels somewhat random in its current only appearance without having been established prior to it). Restoring it would also address the continuity error just created where 4 clones are said to have escaped but 3 are shown alive.

Hm. Two in favour. I’ll see if I can include that with little other context, then.

Are you still planning on adding a new pre-mortem line for Hevy?

If I can find a nice one! With silence I think it’s fine, as he’s just getting on with business. But something to make it personal might be nice. I’m keeping an eye out.

A minor thing but maybe you could try keeping Ventress’s line “Keep playing with your droids”. The exchange with Grievous would feel more natural. I like their rivalry and mutual teasing of each other.

I figured I’d downplay this because it doesn’t go anywhere and it just seemed a little unprofessional for such a vital mission.

The pacing of the battle really benefits from cutting the Obi-Wan swimming bit and the later half of the encounter with Grievous. However, since Obi-Wan now does not appear again after forcing Grievous to retreat, maybe you could cut right before he starts chasing after him.

I’ll check that out.

Really glad you guys think it works 😃

Good points Wexter, thanks! I’ll take a look…

Importantly, is it better than consuming them in their original format? That’s my master metric!

Ah, thanks Sade. I finally managed to get a fixed video track thanks, and have been stitching it back over my edit. It’s nearly done, I’ll finish it when I come to do the polish pass when I have the new credits.

s01e05 - The 501st Legion (The Domino Squad Arc) - Review Cut Released

That’s it up in the spreadsheet now. PM for access.

Episode five is rendering and I’ve made some minor tweaks to other episodes, so in the following order I’m uploading:

• Episode Three - Malevolence v1.1 - Cutting out that final black half hour (and making it episode 3 instead of 4)
• Episode Five - The 501st v1.0 - Review cut of the full episode I’ve been discussing for the last couple of days
• Episode Four - Cloak of Darkness - With alternate intro text to make it work better as 4 not 3. Now, Anakin’s not palmed Ahsoka off on Luminara, but after Malevolence (and until The 501st) he’s aggressively pursuing Grievous, so while he’s doing that Luminara’s covering her training.

These’ll all be up across today.

(Still very aware I need to fix Episode One’s framerate issues, make the discussed tweaks to 1-4, and use the new McFibb credits for them all.)

Yeah, I’ll hunt around a little more then. Someone must say it in a soft tone.

I’ll also look out for something for Hevy to say as he triggers the explosion. I cut out his “Do we take prisoners?” “I don’t”, because it’s a clumsy exchange, but I’d like him to say something like “99”, “Domino Squad”, or “Brothers”.

I could cut “Goodbye 99” and switch in desertion, I’ll give that a shot. Desertion is the stronger scene. One thing I won’t include is Hevy coming back and saying “I’m back with the squad”, because it’s way too heroic for the tone we’re after.

Agreed on Echo and Fives’ slow ending with Shaak Ti being a bit off. I left it this way since I’m still cutting down from all of the available sources, but I had thought it might work as a deliberately awkward moment, as if she’s just given them the cold shoulder. I’ll trim it though.

Right, I should realistically have a review cut out in a couple of hours. (Edit: Uploading is being a hassle, but it’s on its way.)

That’s almost exactly the wording I just wrote! 😉 I specifically highlight that they failed (to complete) their COMBAT training, implying that they’re still members of the army, just not fully trained field soldiers.

At least I’ll be able to make it explicit in the crawl that failure equals listening post, then TWO WEEKS LATER we’re at a listening post.

Knight of Kalee said:

EddieDean said:
I think I’d like to keep the Lama Su scene because it also establishes why that small pod of clone DNA is such a valuable target. Though I agree it’s the least important scene I currently have in the running.

Not very important to this particular story but it also foreshadows/ties with Lama Su and the Kaminoans’ mindset in the Order 66 arc.

Really interestingly, there’s an infirmary in the Clone Cadets concept art, and a fully animated single shot of shirtless clone models being tended to in the fully modelled infirmary, which only appears without SFX in the newsreel. And it features a medical droid that looks like an early version of the one that Fives eventually rides over the Kamino ocean on.

Just to be clear, my version with only one test still has all of the exposition from both tests. They’re merged into one test which covers all of the main beats of both, ending in failiure.

Thanks Kalee. Glad you thought it was smooth, I picked up some new techniques for audio editing in this episode, which both lets me create nice transitions and gives me a good tool to use if I get a bit stuck in future.

Did you feel like the ending was conclusive? Like it was obvious they’d failed, and that they were getting shipped out, but maybe not as soldiers? I can’t imagine a more explicit edit of the available material, but I’d like to know if it at least feels up to a good standard.

Agreed on the final test, I’m sure I can fit a spare establishing shot in there.

Regarding Hevy’s attempted desertion, I think the only options for where to put it after the second test would pose problems. If it comes right after the second failiure, it interrupts Bric and Ellis talking about the failiure, which I think would make the fail less explicit. And if it goes after that, it would need to flow directly into ‘goodbye 99’, which has different lighting. So I think it has to go before.

You’re right though that it’s a slightly hopeful scene, it almost goes too far in setting up Hevy’s return as the magical turning point which’ll fix Domino Squad. I don’t know if I can take any of that away without losing the lovely 99 stuff.

That is not a bad idea at all! Really, really good shout. Kind of a best of both worlds. Brilliant input, thank you.

OK, since I think my Clone Cadets part will need a bit of community refinement, I’m going to post it here.

It’s probably worth you knowing that the (basically final) Rookies and ARC Troopers segments play for a combined 37 minutes excluding credits.

Here’s version 1, which is the one-attempt version (9 min 30 sec), which goes:
Issues > Failed Test (combined from original tests #1 and #2) > Wrap-up
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1YbrurWwbZXIDgEJ7ceiyYyPuEY10B9cp/view?usp=sharing
This one is shorter, and could possibly become a pre-credits opening, which would allow me to use the intro text to be explicit that their failiure has sent them to the Rishi moon listening post. Doing this will help transition between the two parts, though there are still a lot of scenes here so it may feel too much of a wait until the opening credits. If the opening credits come first, I can mention that Domino have just failed their final practice test, though I do kind of feel like this one feels a bit off without seeing the initial failiure, as MikeReese suggested.

Here’s version 2, which is the two-attempt version (11 min 30 sec), which goes:
Failed Practice > Issues > Failed Final Test > Wrap-up
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IhVOlEBd-gFoW3nn8bk_Mcy-3rvH4D67/view?usp=sharing
This one is longer, and at 11:30 is probably too long to lead into the credits, so it’s probably right this comes after the credits and straight into ‘two weeks later’. I might put ‘2WL’ over black, but I also might just put it on blue text over the establishing shot from Rookies. This one is more dependent on the opening making it explicit that the cost of failiure is maintenance or listening posts.

In both cases, the Issues and Wrap-up sections are the same.

Issues goes:
Domino are told off by Bric > Fives and Echo (though we don’t really know it’s him) ask Shaak Ti for reassignment > Shaak Ti and Lama Su talk about stretching DNA > Hevy is convinced to stay by 99
I think this works OK. I’ve trimmed all scenes a little to make them a bit more implicitly saying “Domino Squad suck”.

Wrap-up goes:
“That’s an automatic fail” > Bric and Ellis complain (recontextualised to be more explicit discussion of failiure) > Brief shot of clones loading onto ships > Hevy says goodbye to 99
(The very next scene however I cut it will be ‘Two Weeks Later’ and scenes on the Rishi moon where they’re complaining about being bored.)
I think this works well. Obviously there’s nothing explicit to say their failiure is final, so I’ve tweaked these scenes to try to make them land as hammering home the failiure more.

I’m interested in feedback on:

• The versions - which one feels best?
• The positioning of the opening credits relative to the Clone Cadets part of this arc? Before (cold open the intro text) or after (intro text then clone cadets then ‘two weeks later’?
• Any issues with any of these scenes?
• Any issues with the flow between scenes?

Bear in mind that this is still rough, so many scenes could do with refinement or trims. When I’m editing, I always produce the full-fat maximum-content version first, then cut it down from there. Though please still feel free to nitpick from here, it’ll help direct my focus.

(It’s no extra work for me to now turn this into two versions of the full episode, so I’m going to produce both versions as full episode review cuts as I gather feedback)

I’m getting close. I have all the scenes tight now, I’m just trying out different orderings and seeing whether I prefer doing two training sessions or one.

I think I’d like to keep the Lama Su scene because it also establishes why that small pod of clone DNA is such a valuable target. Though I agree it’s the least important scene I currently have in the running.

Oh yeah. I haven’t thought about my episode zero yet but it’s a very easy edit. I’ll do it after my first six episodes but before the next season properly begins, either before or after my little break.