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Star Wars: Episode I - The Beginning (AKA DuracellEnergizer's Take On TPM)


Watto is taking inventory of the parts in his shop as Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Owen enter the shop.

WATTO : So, you’ve finally come for your - (seeing Anakin and Owen) You! You killed Sebulba and Craetorius! (to Obi-Wan) It was you who helped them!

OBI-WAN : I protected them, yes.

WATTO : (angry) Yeah? Thee wanna get on my bad side too?!

OBI-WAN : It has come to my attention that these two young men owe you a large sum of money. I am willing to settle their debt for them.

WATTO: Ha! Why thee getting yourself involved with them? They're strangers to you.

OBI-WAN : Anakin will be leaving with me once my ship is fixed. I'd prefer his family be secure once he's gone.

Anakin is perplexed by the news.

OWEN : (to Anakin) What's he talking about?

ANAKIN : I don’t know.

OBI-WAN : (cont'd) Well, Watto? Is it a deal?

WATTO : I'll take your credits outlander. (cont'd) Can't see why thee'd want a low-rate farmer tagging along at your heels, though.


The three men leave Watto's shop. Behind them follow four droids carrying the heavy hyperdrive.

OWEN : I want to know what you were talking about in there, Kenobi! What were you saying about Nik going with you?

ANAKIN : What were you talking about, Obi-Wan?

OBI-WAN : There’s no point in deceiving you any longer ... (cont’d) You were right about me, Anakin. I am a Jedi Knight of the Republic. I have decided to take you with me, like you asked, if that is still your wish.

OWEN : What!? What is this nonsense?! (to Anakin) What is this all about?!

ANAKIN : Last night we were talking ... talking about how I wanted to join the Jedi.

OWEN : What!? We're not little kids anymore. We`ve got no time to play games or fantasize about stars and battles and all that crap, Anakin! We've got a farm to run! (cont'd) I told you! I told you it was a kriffing mistake to get involved with this - this goddamn lunatic!

OBI-WAN : Anakin has great potential, Owen. I will do what I can to get Anakin accepted for training.

Enraged, Owen attacks Obi-Wan, grabbing him and pushing him up against the speeder. The four droids carry the hyperdrive to the backside of the vehicle, where a flatbed is attached to the rear. The droids load the hyperdrive onto the flatbed and begin to secure it down.

OWEN : Kriffing freak! You did this! You put these damn fool ideas in his head!

ANAKIN : Owen, stop it!

OWEN : (to Anakin) You're not leaving with him, dammit! You're not!

ANAKIN : That's not your choice to make! Owen, let him go!

OWEN : (exasperated) Fine!

Owen releases Obi-Wan. Muttering to himself he jumps into the speeder's cockpit, bringing the engines to life. Obi-Wan and Anakin exchange glances, then enter the vehicle themselves. Owen pulls back the throttle, and the speeder zooms off down the street.


The speeder pulls up to the house's entrance. There, in the door, stand Shmi and Beru. They climb out of the vehicle.

Beru goes to greet Owen, but he brushes past her, entering the house without acknowledging her.

OWEN : (incredulous) Anakin's going to be a Jedi!


Owen, Shmi, and Beru enter the room, where Tarpals and Amidala sit at a table playing a game. They both look up as Owen begins to rant.

OWEN : I can’t believe this. I can’t kriffing believe this! Dammit!

BERU : What?

OWEN : Remember that talk last night about Jedi? Turns out Anakin is right - Kenobi’s one of them! And now he’s put ideas into his head! Anakin wants to leave, leave and go on a crusade and swing a laser sword around and get himself killed!

Anakin and Obi-Wan enter the room. Shmi turns to her other son.

SHMI : Is this true?

OBI-WAN : It is, Mrs. Lars. (cont’d) Anakin has something ... a quality that makes him a prime candidate for training. I promise you I will do everything in my power to convince the Jedi Council to induct him into the Order.

OWEN : There's a war going on out there, Anakin ... don't get yourself caught up in it. It has nothing to do with us ... (shaking his head) I can't believe you're doing this.

ANAKIN : I'm no farmer, Owen ... I have to move on.

OWEN : The farm won't work itself.

ANAKIN : Our debt to Watto is paid. You can earn enough money to get back on top again. With me gone there'll be one less mouth to feed anyway.

BERU : Wait - You paid Watto off?

OWEN : The one good thing the wizard's done for us.

Shmi puts her hand gently on Anakin's shoulder. He turns to her.

SHMI : Anakin ... is this what you want?

ANAKIN : Yes, Mom ... it is.

The room goes silent. Wordlessly, Owen storms off, pushing Obi-Wan out of his way as he leaves the room. Anakin sits down with Tarpals and Amidala, joining them in their game.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Beginning (AKA DuracellEnergizer's Take On TPM)


A dark starship, the Scimitar, drops out of hyperspace. The arrow-shaped craft approaches the desert planet.


The Scimitar drops down, landing on a low hill overlooking three distant settlements. The dark ship's hatch opens, and the Sith Lord Maul steps out. Maul is quickly followed by three hovering probe droids. The droids disperse, moving out to survey the cities, as Maul begins to examine the horizon through a pair of electrobinoculars.


Five swoop bikes shoot across the landscape, coming to a stop at the Lars homestead. On the swoops are five of Watto's hired henchmen, including the Dug Sebulba.


The whine of the swoop bikes wake Owen and Beru from their sleep. Owen quickly throws the covers off, jumping up and walking over to the doorway.

BERU : Whu - ? Owen ... what is it?

Without saying a word Owen exits the room, leaving his bewildered girlfriend behind.


Watto's men climb off their swoops as Owen steps out the front door. Their leader, a disfigured Zeltron, unholsters his blaster as they walk toward him.

OWEN : What do you want?

ZELTRON THUG : Watto's come to collect his due.

The Zeltron pulls the trigger, blasting Owen in the shoulder. The moisture farmer collapses to the ground with a cry. The thugs ignore Owen as they step over him, entering the house.

An invisible force then suddenly hits them, pushing them all back, hurling them across the courtyard. Obi-Wan steps out of the house, unlit lightsaber ready in his hand.

OBI-WAN : You will be leaving, regardless of any business you may have with the Lars.

The thugs cautiously get back up. Their eyes focus on the Jedi, their fingers eager to pull out their weapons.

ZELTRON THUG : The Lars owe a debt to Watto. They've been loose with their payments, so now he's gonna take the farm - the farm and the ladies, too.

OBI-WAN : The women are not yours to take.

ZELTRON THUG: Now that ain't true, is it? See, Watto's got the influence to do whatever he wants, so he gets whatever he wants. Girls have a way of making money, and Watto can take advantage of that. (cont’d) The girlfriend's gonna do some hard, sweaty work to put some peggats in the old bird's account. The mother too, probably. She's going to seed, sure, but she's still got some bounce left in her.

OBI-WAN : I see that there's little point trying to dissuade you. You are obviously set in your ways.

ZELTRON THUG : Quite right, stranger ...

The Zeltron pulls a second blaster, pointing the barrel toward Obi-Wan's face. The Jedi's blade blazes into life, and the Zeltron's arm and throat are slashed away in one swift spin. Sebulba opens fire on him, and the Jedi deflects the bolt back at the Dug, cutting him down.

Obi-Wan uses the Force to wrench the blasters away from the remaining thugs, tossing the weapons far across the courtyard. In fear they retreat to their swoops. The vehicles roar to life, and they quickly move off, zooming off across the landscape.

The Jedi's lightsaber is deactivated and returned to his belt as Anakin, Beru, and Shmi exit the house, attracted by the commotion.

BERU : Owen! Owen ... are you all right? You're not hurt too badly?

Beru crouches down beside her injured boyfriend, examining his wound. Ignoring her Owen gets back on his feet. He approaches Obi-Wan, astonished and enraged.

OWEN : What have you done!? You'll bring disaster on us all! We're going to be in so much trouble!

OBI-WAN : You were in trouble to begin with.

OWEN : Damn fool ... you're gonna kill us! We're all gonna die because of you!

Anakin slowly approaches the two fallen adversaries, peering down at their dead bodies.

ANAKIN : Kenobi ... Watto's not going to be happy about this.

OWEN : That's it Anakin! Tell him! Tell this ... tell him what he's done to us!

OBI-WAN : I will deal with the Toydarian.

OWEN : (taken aback) You will?

Without further explanation Obi-Wan leaves the brothers, walking off towards the parked landspeeder.

OWEN : What's the fool up to now?

Owen and Anakin quickly follow after the Jedi Knight.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Beginning (AKA DuracellEnergizer's Take On TPM)


Amidala lies in the Spartan room’s only bed, her eyes closed peacefully in sleep.

ANAKIN : (O.S.) Amidala ...

The soft voice registers on Amidala’s ears, and her brow slightly creases with a small frown.

ANAKIN : (O.S.) Amidala ... Amidala!

Amidala’s eyes crack up, and she sees a shadowy figure standing in the open doorway of her room. She pushes herself up on her elbows, squinting to get a better look at the figure.

AMIDALA : Who is that? Anakin? Anakin Skywalker? What time is it?

The figure takes one step forward, allowing the sparse light in the room to fall upon his face. A slight smile creeps upon Anakin’s face.

ANAKIN : Come ...

AMIDALA : What? What is it?

Anakin says nothing more, gestures for her to follow, then steps out and disappears from view.

AMIDALA : Of all the ungodly ... (cont’d) I’m coming, I’m coming.

Pulling the covers back, the Princess climbs out of bed and starts after the boy.


Anakin lays prone upon his bed, his hands behind his head. He is sound asleep, snoring lightly.

AMIDALA : (entering the room) All right! What is it?

Anakin springs up in sudden surprise, awakened by her loud voice. He looks around the room and spots Amidala, who is standing in the open doorframe, her arms crossed over her chest with one foot tapping with impatience.


ANAKIN : (exasperated) Hi. Now what is it?

ANAKIN : What?

AMIDALA : I’m not in the mood for games, Skywalker. You called me over here for something, so what is it?

ANAKIN : I don’t know what you’re talking about.

AMIDALA : Yeah, right. (cont’d) Look, you’d better have a good reason for disturbing me in the middle of the night ...

ANAKIN : Hey, c’mon! I’ve been here asleep! I didn’t wake you up! You must have imagined it - dreamed it up or something! I haven’t moved from this spot since I went to bed!

AMIDALA : (Nonplussed) Just dreamed it up ... or something.

ANAKIN : Yeah.

AMIDALA : Or maybe you’re a sleepwalker.

Amidala shakes her head slowly, then walks over to a chair. She drops down into it, releasing a heavy sigh as she brushes her hair back from her eyes.

AMIDALA : Well, I can’t go back to sleep. I’m wide awake now.

ANAKIN : (checking his chronometer) It’s after midnight. There’s not much you can really do ...

AMIDALA : Would you like to talk?

ANAKIN : Talk?

AMIDALA : Yes, talk.

ANAKIN : What about?

AMIDALA : About anything, anything at all. (pointing toward the wall opposite to her) Why don’t you tell me what’s with your droid?

Anakin looks over to where she’s pointing. In the far corner of his room stands an inactive protocol droid. The droid is incomplete, missing plating.

ANAKIN : You mean Scrappy? He's just a protocol droid I'm putting together out of some scrap I stole from behind Watto's shop.

AMIDALA : (astonished) You stole him?!

ANAKIN : I stole the parts he’s made of. (cont’d) It’s not like the bird was going to put them to any good use. Half his junk just sits there until it rusts, anyway, then he throws it out.

AMIDALA : Well, I don’t condone it.

ANAKIN : I’m not asking you to, sister.

AMIDALA : (cont’d) What’s he for?

ANAKIN : I’ve been meaning to give him to Mom to help her with chores around the house, but I haven't found the right parts to get him working good yet. (cont’d) He doesn’t even have a vocoder.

AMIDALA : He works though?

ANAKIN : A little bit. Moves and everything. But he can’t do any labour - nothing with his hands. (cont’d) They’re corroded pieces of junk.

AMIDALA : Let me see him work. Go ahead - turn him on.

ANAKIN : I’m not sure -

AMIDALA : He’s not dangerous, is he?

ANAKIN : Not really, no ...

AMIDALA : So go for it.

Anakin sighs, then gets out of bed. Amidala climbs up out of her chair to follow him across the room to the motionless droid. Anakin reaches behind the automaton, pressing a button set into it’s body.

Suddenly the droid’s photoreceptors light up, and the machine explodes to life, spasming violently. Anakin moves to restrain the agitated robot. Before the droid can damage itself Anakin deactivates it, making it motionless once again.

AMIDALA : He's a jittery thing, isn't he?

ANAKIN : He's afraid of us. I've tried communicating with him, tried calming him down, but he never responds. I suppose there’s something wrong with his circuitry or programming. Once I learn more about VerboBrains I’ll figure it out.

AMIDALA : I think he's wonderful, Anakin.

ANAKIN : Really? Thanks ... it's Amidala, right?

AMIDALA : That's right. Amidala Naberrie.

Anakin leaves Amidala and the droid, jumping back onto his bed, putting an arm behind his head.

ANAKIN : Nice name - cute. Makes me think of the name of some queen or princess in a story book or something. “Queen Amidala Naberrie - Empress of the Moons of Iego”!

AMIDALA : I actually get told that quite a lot.

ANAKIN : Really?

AMIDALA : Well, not really. (cont’d) Maybe sometimes.

The two giggle at that. Anakin then spots the aquamarine pendant clasped around her neck.

ANAKIN : That’s a nice stone you have there.

AMIDALA : (looking down at the pendant) My pendant?

ANAKIN : Yeah. Is it genuine?

AMIDALA : Yes. It’s been in my family for generations. (cont’d) We have a tradition - the stone must always be handed down to the firstborn of each new generation. It was my mother’s until she gave it to my sister Sola.

ANAKIN : Your sister? Then why ...?

AMIDALA : They ... She died.

ANAKIN : I'm sorry ... I ...

AMIDALA : It's a long story, and I ... I don't want to talk about it.

ANAKIN : That's okay ... I don't need to know the details ... (cont’d) It’s a very beautiful pendant.

AMIDALA : I see you have a pendant of your own.

ANAKIN : (looking down at a small wooden pendant secured around his neck) This? I carved it from a japor snippet. It’s nothing special, really.

AMIDALA : (yawning) I - I think my sleepiness has finally caught up to me. How about we call it a night?

ANAKIN : Sure. I’ve got to get up early, anyway.

AMIDALA : Goodnight, Anakin.

Amidala turns to leave, stepping through the doorway.

ANAKIN : Goodnight ... Queen of Iego.

Amidala stops, turning to face him, and gives him a silent grin. Anakin gives her one final wave, then puts his arms behind his head, and within moments is asleep.

Amidala leaves the doorway, moving on her way back toward her bedroom.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Beginning (AKA DuracellEnergizer's Take On TPM)


Obi-Wan stands outside the house, leaning again the wall beside the entrance, communicating with Qui-Gon through his comlink.

OBI-WAN : ... secured the hyperdrive. Tomorrow we’ll pick it up and bring it to the ship.

QUI-GON : (O.S.) What of you? You're not coming back to the ship?

OBI-WAN : We're staying the night with some moisture farmers.

QUI-GON : (O.S.) Well then ... goodnight.

OBI-WAN : Goodnight Qui-Gon.

The communication ends, and Obi-Wan returns the comlink to his belt as Anakin steps out of the house. Anakin leans back against the wall beside Obi-Wan, crossing his arms across his chest.

OBI-WAN : It must be peaceful here as a moisture farmer. A bit hot, I suppose, but peaceful. Nothing to worry about - other than your debt to Watto, I suppose.

ANAKIN : Other than the debt and the odd Tusken, yeah. It's peaceful, but ...

OBI-WAN : But?

ANAKIN : Dull. It’s dull. Day in, day out - nothing ever really changes. I don't feel I'm getting anything out of my life or doing anything important with it. (cont’d) It's funny, really. I’ve been a farmer all my life, just like my dad and his dad, but it all feels ... I don’t know ... ephemeral. I don’t feel like I'm me, if that makes any sense. I feel like I’m in someone else's shoes - someone else's body - and am just going along for the ride. Has that ever happened to you?

OBI-WAN : With me? No, I can't say it has.

ANAKIN : You'd think Owen would feel the same way - same parents, same upbringing and all - but he doesn’t. Thing about Owen is that he’s no dreamer. I think his prospects end just before the horizon. Tatooine, and this farm, will always be his home - and I think he's fine with that, and always will be.

OBI-WAN : You don’t always see eye-to-eye, do you?

ANAKIN : Not always, no. (laughing) He thinks I’m a damn fool romantic with my head in the clouds.

OBI-WAN : What of your mother?

ANAKIN : I ... I don’t really know. She encouraged me a lot growing up. She was my rock ... (cont’d) That was a long time ago.

OBI-WAN : Why should she feel any differently now?

ANAKIN : I ... I feel that I've disappointed her.

OBI-WAN : Disappointed her?

ANAKIN : She's a great mother - I'm not saying she isn't - and it isn't as if she's ever said she isn't proud of me. It's just that I feel ...

OBI-WAN : Yes?

ANAKIN : I feel I should have done more for her - more to show her that I appreciate everything she's done for me.

OBI-WAN : Anakin, believe me when I say this -


OBI-WAN : I believe that she realizes you appreciate her and that you love her. I also believe that she appreciates that.

ANAKIN : Even though I’m reckless, impatient, and often do stupid, impulsive things on a whim?

OBI-WAN : Yes ... even though you are reckless, impatient, and often do stupid, impulsive things on a whim.

The Jedi’s answer causes Anakin to laugh. Obi-Wan smiles as the tension leaves the young man.

OBI-WAN : What about your father? Were you close?

ANAKIN : Not as close, but close enough. He was my father in every way that mattered.

OBI-WAN : That mattered?

ANAKIN : (cont’d) Cliegg Lars was the only father I've ever had, and may as well have been my true father ... but he wasn't. (cont’d) Mom had gone out one morning to pick the mushrooms that grow on the vaporators, just as she always does. She found Nellith there, barely alive, with me in her arms.

OBI-WAN : Your biological mother?

ANAKIN : (nodding) Nellith was the name she gave us, anyway. (cont’d) With Dad’s help Mom brought her inside. It was too late by then, though - she’d been out in the desert for too long without any water. She’d kept me safe, though. Don’t know how, but I was just fine.(cont’d) She didn’t last long - she died soon after we were found. But before she did she was able to give my name: Anakin Skywalker. (cont’d) It’s the only thing I have from her - the name she gave me.

OBI-WAN : And you know nothing of your father? No clue as to who he is or was?

ANAKIN : Nothing.

OBI-WAN : Hmm ...

ANAKIN : The Lars took me in, cared for me, made me one of their own ... (to himself) Mom loved me like a son ... I am her son ... (cont’d) Obi-Wan, I wish you were a Jedi. You could take me off Tatooine. I could join the Jedi Order and become a Knight like you. I could make Mom proud of me.

OBI-WAN : I'm afraid I couldn’t do that even if I were a Jedi.

ANAKIN : You couldn’t? Why not?

OBI-WAN : Had you been born in the Republic they would have identified you early, and you would have been accepted into their ranks. But now ... (cont’d) You’re too old. The Jedi do not recruit anyone your age.

ANAKIN : Is that so?

OBI-WAN : I’m sorry.

ANAKIN : Funny you should say that, seeing as you’ve never heard of the Jedi Order before tonight.

OBI-WAN : Well, now ... how about that! It seems I was wrong. I guess I have heard of the Jedi before and simply forgot. (grinning) It happens to all of us at one time or another, I suppose.

ANAKIN : (suspicious) Yes ...

OBI-WAN : Your story must have jogged my memory.

ANAKIN : I guess so.

Without another word Obi-Wan leaves Anakin, going into the house. Anakin remains motionless, watching the Jedi Knight leave. He then turns toward the horizon, watching the last rays of the day's light disappear over the skyline as he ponders his future.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Beginning (AKA DuracellEnergizer's Take On TPM)


The speeder races over sand and low dunes. Small animals scurry in the vehicle’s wake.


As the speeder approaches the farm Anakin pulls back on the controls, slowing the vehicle down. They come to a stop near the house, climbing off as the engines die down.

ANAKIN : Mom! Mom, we're home!

Two women - Shmi Lars and Beru Whitesun - exit the house, meeting the others as they come to the door. Shmi is in her early forties, with long dark hair and sun-weathered skin. Beru is much younger, around the same age as Owen, with sandy blonde hair.

SHMI : Ani - Owen - who's this?

ANAKIN : These are ... (turning to their guests) Man, I don't know any of your names.

OBI-WAN : I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi, (gesturing to the Gungan) this is Tarpals ...

AMIDALA : ... and I'm Amidala Naberrie, ma'am. Pleased to meet you.

SHMI : (to Owen) What are they doing here?

OWEN : His idea, Mom. Ask him.

ANAKIN : They got in a fight with Sebulba. I got involved -

SHMI : Anakin! I've told you to avoid that Dug - !

ANAKIN : (cont'd) It was nothing, Mom. He was the one who lost fingers, not me.

SHMI : What!?

OBI-WAN : Your son was kind enough to offer us shelter.

ANAKIN : They'll be gone in the morning, once they get the parts they need for their ship.

SHMI : Okay ... (to Obi-Wan) I'm sorry if I was abrupt. I'll never get used to Anakin's surprises.


Obi-Wan, Tarpals, and Amidala are seated at the dining table with the Lars family. Beru gives each person at the table a plate piled with food before sitting down and joining them.

SHMI : ... Cliegg was a good man - an honest man - but he had his vices. He was a gambler, and not a very good one. He got in over his head, and ended up in debt to pretty much everyone. (cont’d) He asked Watto for some money, and he gave it, but ended up owing the Toydarian in the process. He worked so hard the last couple of months ... before he ...

Shmi's eyes start to well up with tears. She stops to wipe her eyes. Owen picks up the conversation.

OWEN : With him gone we’ve had to take up the debt. We've been giving the bird as much as we can make from moisture farming ...

ANAKIN : And some other part-time work on the side ...

OWEN : (cont'd) ... But it's not enough. And now he's threatening to take the farm.

SHMI : We'll deal with it when the time comes. We always have.

Anakin turns his attention toward Obi-Wan. The boy’s eyes - filled with barely contained awe - bore into the Jedi.

OBI-WAN : (noticing Anakin’s stare) Something on your mind, Anakin?

ANAKIN : Mr. Kenobi - Obi-Wan - I was wondering something ...

OBI-WAN : What?

ANAKIN : Well, ahhh ... are you a Jedi Knight?

OBI-WAN : Jedi Knight?

ANAKIN : Yes, a Jedi.

OBI-WAN : No, can’t say that I am. (cont’d) What is that, anyway?

ANAKIN : What, the Jedi? You’ve never heard of them?

OBI-WAN : No. What’s gives you the idea that I might be one of them?

ANAKIN : Your laser sword. Only Jedi carry that kind of weapon.

OBI-WAN : My laser sword ...? Ah, you mean my cutting tool. I bought that from a curiosity dealer on Ogana Major. (cont’d) I take it you’ve seen one before?

OWEN : Nebar Foxis ...

OBI-WAN : Nebar Foxis ...?

ANAKIN : Foxis is an old spacer we met in town. He told us all about the Jedi.

OBI-WAN : Tell me what he told you.

ANAKIN : The Jedi are policemen who patrol and protect the Republic. They’re ditheists.

OBI-WAN : Ditheists?

ANAKIN : They believe in two gods.

OBI-WAN : Ah, yes.

ANAKIN : The two gods are Ashla and Bogan. Ashla is the Goddess of Light, and Bogan is the God of Darkness. They used to be married until they created the universe, and then they became enemies.

OBI-WAN : So the Jedi pray to both - to Bogan?

ANAKIN : No, no ... The Jedi worship Ashla, but they oppose Bogan. Bogan is evil and only wants to sow death and destruction. The Jedi are against that.

OBI-WAN : And they carry tools - weapons - like mine?

ANAKIN : Yes. Foxis had one of his own. He showed it to Owen and me. (cont’d) He claims he was apprenticed to a Jedi once when he was young, but the Jedi died in battle. He left the Order after that, but held onto his sword.

OWEN : Foxis is full of it. He probably bought or stole the thing from somebody else.

OBI-WAN : Well, it seems I got a good deal on mine. The poor fool would have charged extra if he had known it was a weapon once owned by a mystical warrior.

ANAKIN : (cont’d) So ... you’re not a Jedi.

OBI-WAN : No, I’m afraid not.

Explain Your Username / Avatar / Title / Signature

Username : "Duracell" and "Energizer" fused.

Avatar : I always liked how, in the EU, there were multiple lightsaber colours available to darksiders and lightsiders both. When AOTC came out, this cliched "red = bad, blue & green = good" lightsaber colour rule was firmly established and the EU quickly adopted it. I've been pissed off about it ever since. Giving a Nazgul a green lightsaber is my small way of defying the system.

Title : ties into the reasoning behind my avatar.

Signature : relates how the fantards on TF.N will spit on you if you don't allow the thought police to shove the official canon up your ass.

The Phantom Menace

TPM - I read the kid novelizations first, and going by them I thought the story sucked. Then I read the adult novelization, and I found it a lot better than the kid novelizations. I then finally watched the movie on video. I liked it, but still thought it pailed in comparison to the OT; I probably would have rated it around 7/10 (The OT was practically a 9-10/10 for me back as a kid).

Over a decade later, my tastes have changed dramatically. I now give it a 4.9/10. That's more than I'll give for the other two prequels, though, which I both rate 2/10.

What do you LIKE about the EU?

After the Hand of Thrawn duology, they really should have moved beyond Luke, Han, and Leia. If they had toned down the NJO they could have used it as a send off for the classic characters, and then started focusing on other more minor characters and exploring the greater SW Universe. There was plenty of potential in the next generation of Solos and Skywalkers and the one-off characters and entities briefly explored in the vast amount of comics and novels.

Instead we have to see galactic civil wars, Jedi purges, and reborn Empires & Sith reused, reduced, and recycled ad infinitum. No originality or sense of broadening the horizons whatsoever.

Star Wars: Episode I - The Beginning (AKA DuracellEnergizer's Take On TPM)


The Jedi, the Gungan, and the Princess pass by several outdoor cafes and stalls. Amidala’s stomach growls as she takes in the scent of roasting meat and vegetables.

AMIDALA : I'm hungry. I'd like something to eat.

OBI-WAN : Buy us each a little something, Captain.

Tarpals leaves them, going to a stall where a vendor sells several dead frog-like creatures hanging from wires.

VENDOR : Whatcha want?

CAPT. TARPALS : Three of those - three of those f'oggs.

VENDOR : Fog? What?

CAPT. TARPALS : (pronouncing the word with difficulty) F'ogg, ferg ... fer-og. Three fer-ogs.

VENDOR : That'll be seven truguts.

As the vendor takes down three of the frogs and hands them over to Tarpals, an ugly Dug - Sebulba - strides up to the Gungan.

SEBULBA : Chuba! You!


SEBULBA : Yes, you!

CAPT. TARPALS : What is it u'sa want?

SEBULBA : (pushing his face up to Tarpals's) I don't like you ...

CAPT. TARPALS : That isn't my problem. Be going.

SEBULBA : (poking Tarpals in the chest) I don't like you, you toad-faced worrt! You smell like something's wet underfoot!

CAPT. TARPALS : (pushing away Sebulba's wrist) Leave, barbarian. Your insults will put you down.

SEBULBA : Try me, maggot!

The Dug violently pushes Tarpals, causing the Gungan to fall back and crash into another stall, tipping several trays of fried roach candies over. Tarpals unsheathes a knife, and Sebulba pulls out a blaster.

As Obi-Wan unclips his lightsaber a blaster bolt lances out, hitting the Dug in the hand, knocking the weapon from his grip and burning away several fingers. Everyone looks over to the blaster bolt came from - where they find Owen and the armed Anakin standing at a café. Anakin leaves Owen, walking over to the Dug.

ANAKIN : Better be careful, Dug. This one's connected - to the Hutts, I believe. I wouldn’t mess with him if I were you.

SEBULBA : (nursing his injured hand) Stupid dirt farmer. I'll teach you to meddle with me ...

Sebulba begins to walk towards Anakin. Anakin brings his blaster up, aiming it straight toward the Dug's face. Sebulba freezes.

ANAKIN : I think you'd better get going, Sebulba, seeing as you’ve got more pressing matters to attend to. We’ll tango later.

SEBULBA : I'll be going, twerp. I've got more pressing matters to attend to. (cont’d) I promise you, though, that’ll we’ll tango later. Oh, yes!

ANAKIN : Glad to hear it, Dug, glad to hear it.

SEBULBA : Glad to hear it, dirt farmer, glad to hear it.

Sebulba steps away from Anakin, returning to the stall with the frogs. The Dug swipes the three frogs meant for the trio from the vendor, then leaves fuming. Anakin holsters the blaster as Owen goes to him, scolding him.

OWEN : Anakin. You've gotta stop getting into fights with him. You know Sebulba ...

Obi-Wan and the others approach the two brothers.

OBI-WAN : (clipping his lightsaber to his belt) Tarpals here could have met an unfortunate end if you hadn't gotten involved and helped. Thank you.

ANAKIN : (eyeing the lightsaber) No problem ... (cont’d) You guys aren’t from around here are you?

OBI-WAN : How’d you guess?

ANAKIN : (pointing at his clothes) No one dresses like that here.

OBI-WAN : (looking down at his shirt, then at Owen’s and Anakin’s) No, I suppose not. (cont’d) We were on our way to the Ophuchi system when our ship suffered damage travelling through hyperspace. Once the replacement parts have been delivered and installed we’ll be on our way.

ANAKIN : Do you have any shelter?

OBI-WAN : We'll be heading back to our ship.

ANAKIN : You're welcome to stay the night at our farm. We have an extra room or two we never use.

OBI-WAN : Hmm ...

ANAKIN : You won't be a burden on us or anything. I'm sure it'll be okay.

OBI-WAN : Very well ... we'll gladly accept your invitation. Lead the way.

As the brothers lead the trio to their landspeeder Owen leans close to Anakin, whispering in his ear.

OWEN : We don't know them from Adam, Nik. I don't know if we should let them stay with us.

ANAKIN : Don't be such a worry-worrt. It's not like they're Anzati marauders or something like that.

OWEN : Fine, I’ll go along with it. But don’t think for a second that I'm going to let you get me in trouble for any of this. If Mom asks, I’m telling her it was all your idea.

ANAKIN : (laughing) Sure, Owen, sure.

What do you LIKE about the EU?

zombie84 said:

Or would you rather have Chewbacca killed by a moon colliding with him? Honestly, what stoner thought up that one? "Duuude...what if Chewie gets hit by a moon?? Woah, far out!"

I can kinda understand what they were going for with Chewie's death. Up til that point the good guys kept getting into all sorts of dangerous situations without suffering any long-term consequences; the idea of killing off a major character was meant to inject some aura of true danger and uncertainty into the mix.

I think they went too far with actually killing Chewie off, though. They could have done anything short of killing him or any other major character from the films and still acheived their goal.

What do you LIKE about the EU?

Sorry for the necropost, but I've got to get this off my chest.

I like - no, love - how the EU portrayed the Sith prior to the prequels.

They weren't simply evil or anti-Jedi. They were dark sorcerors and black knights. They had kingdoms and dynasties. They could tear stars apart and twist living creatures into horrendous abominations with their black arts.

They sure as hell weren't red glowstick-twirling KISS rejects with juvenile club names.



mops the floor with this

Star Wars: Episode I - The Beginning (AKA DuracellEnergizer's Take On TPM)


The cruiser drops out of hyperspace. Before the small ship sits the large brown orb of Tatooine.


One of Panaka’s men sits in the pilot’s seat, studying several readouts. Obi-Wan stands at his side, hands on his belt.

BODYGUARD : That's it. Tatooine ... There's a settlement - a spaceport, looks like.

OBI-WAN : Land near the outskirts. We don't want to attract any attention.


The Akkadian descends from the sky, slowly touching down on barren desert sand. Far in the distance lies the Mos Eisley spaceport - a bright spot on the horizon.


Qui-Gon and Major Vaness stand in the guts of the ship, inspecting the damaged hyperdrive. Obi-Wan enters the room, wearing the garb of a Nabu citizen.

QUI-GON : The hyperdrive generator is gone. We will need a new one.

Obi-Wan gestures for Qui-Gon to come to him. The Padawan goes to his elder, who begins to speak with him quietly.

OBI-WAN : Don't let them send any transmissions. Be wary ... I sense a disturbance in the Force.

QUI-GON: I feel it too.

Obi-Wan departs the engine room, leaving Qui-Gon to return to the hyperdrive with Vaness.


Obi-Wan and Captain Tarpals leave the ship, beginning their trek toward Mos Eisley.

CAPT. TARPALS : This sun does murder toe teh skin.

OBI-WAN : The desert climate is harsh to aquatic species, my friend. You’ll just have to bear with it.

Captain Panaka and Amidala step out of the ship, and begin to sprint after the duo.


The Gungan and the Jedi stop, allowing the Nabu to catch up to them.

CAPT. PANAKA : (cont'd) Her Highness commands you to take her with you. She wishes to observe the local -

OBI-WAN : There will be no commands from Her Highness today, Captain. This spaceport is unlikely to be pleasant ...

CAPT. PANAKA : The Princess wishes it. She is curious about this planet.

AMIDALA : I've been trained in self-defence. I can take care of myself.

OBI-WAN : I don't have the time to argue, but this is not a good idea. Stay close to me.

The Jedi gives Amidala a stern look. The three of them continue toward Mos Eisley, leaving Panaka behind.


The trio walks down the town's main street, several exotic creatures passing them by. Amidala examines the sights around her with her eyes, fascinated.

OBI-WAN : ... moisture farms for the most part, but also a few indigenous tribes and scavengers. The few spaceports like this one are havens for those who do not wish to be found ...

CAPT. TARPALS : Like us.


They come to a plaza strewn with several junk shops, many of which have dilapidated starships in their back lots.

OBI-WAN : We'll try one of the smaller dealers.

They walk over to one of the shops, entering through the main doorway.


Obi-Wan, Amidala, and Tarpals enter the dingy shop, examining the many items of machinery lain in piles on the floor and hung upon the walls.

Moving deeper into the shop they find three individuals at a large desk engaged in a heated argument - brothers Anakin Skywalker and Owen Lars with the flying blue Toydarian Watto. Owen is seventeen years old, slightly chubby with close-cropped brown hair. Anakin is fifteen, leaner and somewhat more handsome than Owen.

WATTO : Whatta's this? This is a payment, you say? Payment!? Bah! I wouldn't have been able to pay for my mother's funeral with this! This isn't enough. But then, thee never have enough.

OWEN : We're giving you all we can, Watto. We’re in a funk right now. Ever since Ash-It Eeyoo Naim set up shop our farming business hasn’t been doing well, and ferrying spice down from Chenini only -

WATTO : (alarmed) Shaddap! Thee want-a have somebody hear you?!

OWEN : (cont'd) We're barely getting by.

WATTO : Thee think I give a Ranat's rear if thee get by? I don't-a. I want what's due to me. I've been more than fair, waiting for thee.

ANAKIN : You're paying interest, you old bird. That's being fair?

WATTO : I was at a low point when I loaned to your father - rest his soul - as thee well know. I took a big loss pitying the fool. That's why there's-a interest. (pushing his face up in front of Anakin's) I'm-a taking your farm - or your momma's flesh, boy. Your choice.

ANAKIN : (enraged) You lousy piece of - !

Anakin strikes out, hands reaching for Watto’s throat. Owen grabs him, wrestling him away from the Toydarian.

OWEN : Anakin, no! Calm down. Your gonna get us in trouble. Stop it!

ANAKIN : (struggling) Stupid rotten - (to Owen) Let me go, dammit!

OWEN : Anakin, stop! Stop it!

Anakin squirms for another several seconds. Finally he stops, letting out a deep breath. Owen slowly releases him.

ANAKIN : Okay ... I'm okay now. (cont’d) Let's get out of here. I don't want to stand in this dump a minute longer.

The brothers leave the Toydarian’s desk, moving past Obi-Wan, Amidala, and Tarpals on their way out the door. Watto follows them with angry eyes.

WATTO : You've made your decision, then ... (to the trio) Whatta thee want?

They step forward up to Watto’s desk.

OBI-WAN : I need parts for a K-type 723 Akkadian.

WATTO : Ah yes, ah yes. Akkadian. We have lots of that. What kinda junk?

OBI-WAN : My sister here has a readout of what we need.

WATTO : (taking a datapad from Amidala and looking it over) Sooo, let me take-a thee out back. In you'll find what you need.

Handing back the datapad, Watto leaves the desk, floating out a back door to the junk yard beyond. The three of them follow after him.


The Toydarian takes them along a path through several piles of assorted machinery, consulting his own datapad. He soon stops at a large hyperdrive.

WATTO : ... Here it is ... a U-15 hyperdrive generator! Thee in luck. I'm the only one hereabouts who has one ... But thee might as well buy a new ship. It would be cheaper, I think ... Saying of which, how's thee going to pay for all of this?

OBI-WAN : I have 120,000 Republic dataries.

WATTO : Republic credits? I'd prefer something more real ... Eh, I'll just get 'em exchanged. (cont’d) It's-a deal, outlander.