DuracellEnergizer

Does Leonardo use an electrolarynx? If he does, he could easily be mistaken for a robot while on the phone.

Leonardo said:

That's a page by the always excellent Leo Ortolani!

He wouldn't happen to be a little blue elephant man, would he? ;-P

^Strange is your language and I have no decoder. Why don't you make your intentions clear?

Worst necropost EVER!

Ah, touché.

Nah, that's too quick.

Danfun128 said:

the word in question was never in the stars

Proving yet again that astrology's nothing but bunk. 

EXT. SPACE – STARBASE 104

In the depths of deep space – floating free without a star, planet, or other large body to orbit around – is Starbase 104, a K-class space station.

INT. STARBASE 104/OPERATIONS CENTRE

Under the great big dome which tops Starbase 104 lies the station’s ops centre. Seated in the centre of ops, his thick legs propped up on his desk and large hands behind his head, is CAPT. QULOOB. While not quite asleep, the Tellarite captain keeps his eyes closed to save his eyes the strain of looking at nothing worth the effort.

Ops’ turbolift door slides open, allowing a Human woman to step out. Dressed in operations red, her long blond hair styled high atop her head and her shapely legs blatantly evident below her black skirt, is the stunningly sexy, blue-eyed YEOMAN JANICE RAND. Approaching the captain’s desk, she takes the large PADD held under her arm out and hands it out to the Tellarite.

RAND: Here are those stats you wanted, Captain.

CAPT. QULOOB: (opens his eyes) Oh, yes. (accepts the PADD) Thank you, Yeoman.

Looking the data on the PADD’s screen over, he takes a gander at the young Human woman.

CAPT. QULOOB: You look peaked, Janice. Did you sleep at all last night?

RAND: (rubs the bridge of her nose) Not really, sir.

CAPT. QULOOB: Have you been in to see Dr. Olié? Maybe he can prescribe something for your insomnia.

RAND: I have an appointment to see him Eighthday.

CAPT. QULOOB: I think you should call it a day, Janice. Retire to your quarters and try to get some rest.

RAND: Is that an order, Captain?

CAPT. QULOOB: Do I have to make it one?

RAND: (smiles thinly) No, you don’t.

CAPT. (returns his attention to the PADD) Goodnight, Yeoman.

RAND: ‘Night, Captain.

Turning on her heel, Janice prepares to leave the captain to himself.

BETAZOID SCIENCE OFFICER: Captain!

CAPT. QULOOB: (frowns) What is it?

BETAZOID SCIENCE OFFICER: Sensors detect three large vessels on approach.

CAPT. QULOOB: No one’s scheduled to arrive for another six hours. (beat) Can you identify them?

BETAZOID SCIENCE OFFICER: (shakes his head) No, sir. Their subspace markers have been disengaged.

CAPT. QULOOB: (to the comm officer) Open hailing frequencies.

COMM OFFICER: (opens hailing frequencies) They’re refusing to respond.

EXT. SPACE – STARBASE 104

With three bursts of disrupted spacetime, three starships drop out of warp into normal space right before the starbase. These three ships are long-necked K’t’inga-class battle cruisers, warships of the dread Klingon Empire.

INT. STARBASE 104/OPERATIONS CENTRE

BETAZOID SCIENCE OFFICER: (alarmed) Three D7 cruisers – dead ahead of us!

CAPT. QULOOB: Quick! Throw up deflectors before --!

The forwardmost K’t’inga powers up its disruptor banks and opens fire. Deflector shields spring up around the starbase, but a split-second too late; the sickly green energy beam manages to score a direct hit on the station’s main body.

INT. STARBASE 104/OPERATIONS CENTRE

A tremor makes its way through the length of the starbase, and then the on-board lighting begins to flicker erratically.

BETAZOID SCIENCE OFFICER: We’ve received severe damage to our reactor, Captain!

CAPT. QULOOB: Can we maintain shields?

The science officer enters a series of commands into his console. Automatically, the lights go completely out.

BETAZOID SCIENCE OFFICER: I’ve diverted all power from non-essential systems, but –

CAPT. QULOOB: (interrupting) Bring our phasers on-line.

BETAZOID SCIENCE OFFICER: I can’t do that without dropping shields first.

EXT. SPACE – STARBASE 104

All three Klingon battle cruisers power up their disruptors and open fire. Devastating green beams wash over the starbase’s weakened shields, weakening them even further.

Finally, the shields wink out altogether, leaving the station completely vulnerable to the Klingons’ onslaught.

INT. STARBASE 104/OPERATIONS CENTRE

BETAZOID SCIENCE OFFICER: Captain, our shields are down.

CAPT. QULOOB: (angry) By the goddess’ bulge, where are our phasers?!

Before the Betazoid can answer, the forwardmost K’t’inga opens fire again. With this hit, the generators are utterly destroyed; power to the starbase goes completely dead.

Say, that's not a bad idea ...

^If the former, it's still not very funny.

People who pull shit like that should spend an hour in the rack.

If it worked for Howard Hughes, why not?

TV's Frink said:

Power Rangers should be banned for being Power Rangers.

This.

joefavs said:

EDIT: Wait, do the new books really not belong here? I know we've rebooted or whatever, but I really can't see this stuff reaching a wider audience or being considered higher status than the old stuff was in practice. If we really are keeping discussion separate, though, apologies.

As far as I'm concerned, the new books, comics, etc. are still EU even if they're considered "canon", and I choose to regard them as such. I think it's perfectly fine to talk about them in this thread.

Tobar said:

Honorable mention goes to:

I'd love to stick them all in an incredibly hot furnace together and watch the faces distort into hideous forms as the metal cases melt down into one big pile of molten goo. 

Jonno said:

Sorry to detract from all the trolling (what exactly did the - perfectly reasonable - OP do to deserve all the lame attempts at 'humor', anyway?)

I can't speak for anyone else, but I was being dead serious. 

TV's Frink said:

Imagine how many posts I could have if I had joined back then....

Hindsight's always 20/20. 

For a couple years now, I’ve had an image of the perfect Superman costume in my head; this is my first semi-successful attempt at capturing it in a drawing:

It’s meant to be mainly a fusion of the Fleischer/DCAU Superman costumes, along with a few personal touches thrown in there for good measure. Though it can’t be seen, I picture there being a yellow-and-black “S” on the back of his cape.

Here’s also my take on his cousin, Kara AKA Supergirl:

And here’s a version of the image above reworked into a drawing of Power Girl, Supergirl’s Earth-2 counterpart:

Green eggs and ham are okay, though, right?

I got Dragnet starring Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks and "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" by Whitney Houston.

I've never seen that movie, and while I don't mind that song, I'm pretty indifferent to Ms. Houston overall, so consider me semi-disappointed.

INT. ACCESS TUNNEL

Having detoured briefly to the Saladin to switch into his green dress uniform, Kirk has now arrived at the access tunnel leading into the USS Enterprise. A countless number of VIPs – Starfleet officers; civilian dignitaries; and reporters from every news medium in the Federation – stand in the path before Kirk. Entering the morass of bodies Human, near-Human, semi-Human, and pseudo-alien, Kirk begins pushing himself through, fighting to get to the head of the crowd.

As Kirk nears his destination, he sees the heads of Cdre. Pike and GENERAL KIMITAKE NOGUCHI over the crowd; the two officers are deep in concentration and do not yet notice the captain.

As Kirk prepares to make his way past the final line of onlookers to the general and commodore, he is stopped by the sight of two individuals – dressed in clothing plainer than that worn by the others in the access tunnel – out of the corner of his eye. Turning his head, he sees them clearly.

KIRK: (surprised) Mom! Sam!

There stands Kirk’s mother and older brother, WINONA and SAMUEL KIRK. A short woman in late middle age, Winona is still pretty for her age. Sam, minus his mustache and slightly receded hairline, is almost an exact twin of his younger brother. Both smile broadly at the sight of James R. Kirk standing there before them.

KIRK: What are you doing here? When did you get here? How long can you stay?

WINONA KIRK: We came to see you take command of the Enterprise, of course.

SAMUEL KIRK: But if you don’t hurry up, they’re going to auction it off to the highest bidder.

Glancing at Noguchi and Pike, Kirk sees that they have finally caught notice of his presence. They wear expressions of patient amusement upon their faces, as they both understand that the joy of seeing one’s loved ones after a long separation overwhelms mere protocol.

Turning back to Sam and Winona, he hugs her and claps him on the back, then leaves their side to join Pike and Noguchi. Together, the three officers head into the body of the USS Enterprise.

INT. ENTERPRISE/RECREATION DECK

The recreation deck has been turned into a reception hall. All the starship’s officers have gathered here. A podium and lectern stood on the stage at one end; tables along one wall held trays of food, racks of champagne bottles, and rows of sparkling glasses.

Lieutenants Sulu and Kelso are helping themselves to a platter of hor d’oeuvres when they notice Uhura in amongst the crowd.

KELSO: Hey, Sulu, who’s the lady?

SULU: That’s Lt. Uhura, our new communications officer.

KELSO: (cocks an eyebrow) No kidding? Hope she’s only married to the service.

Elsewhere, we come to 1ST LT. HADIA RUAN, the Enterprise’s infantry commander and chief of security. Judging by appearances, she is a Human or near-Human woman, in her thirties, with long black hair pinned back in a utilitarian style, bronze skin, and intense hazel eyes. Though a striking beauty, there is an underlying hardness to her features which shouts “WATCH YOURSELF”.

She is staring into her glass of champagne with apparent contempt when Scotty sidles up to her.

SCOTT: Penny for yer thoughts?

RUAN: If I ever meet the insect who passed the act prohibiting real alcohol from sanctioned Starfleet events, I’ll drown it in a vat of this synthetic swill.

Taking care not to be noticed, Scott reaches into his jacket and pulls out a copper flask. Unscrewing the cap, he carefully lifts it over the rim of Ruan’s glass and pours some of the rich brown contents into it.

RUAN: (grins) Why, Major – is that what I think it is?

SCOTT: (taps his nose) Ye can return th’ favour later, Lieutenant.

Noguchi, Pike, and Kirk then arrive, drawing the attention of all present.

SCOTT: Looks like th’ ceremony’s about t’ start.

INT. ENTERPRISE/RECREATION DECK – MONTAGE

Over the next hour, speeches from the general, commodore, and captain are made.

CUT TO

The ceremony as it draws to a close.

Pike, holding a sabre sheathed in an ornate gold scabbard, stands before Gen. Noguchi on the stage.

GEN. NOGUCHI: (cont’d) … and have you, Cdre. Christopher Pike, faithfully executed your duties as a captain of Starfleet?

CDRE. PIKE (CAPT. PIKE): To the best of my abilities, General, I have strengthened interstellar peace, I have kept the Prime Directive, I have obeyed my oath.

Taking the sabre, Pike presents it before the general.

CDRE. PIKE: (cont’d) I return to you this sword, a token of the ship on which I served.

Noguchi accepts the sword and Pike takes a step back. The general then turns to face Kirk.

GEN. NOGUCHI: Capt. Kirk, stand forward.

The captain steps forward.

GEN. NOGUCHI: Let all present know your name and rank.

KIRK: Capt. James Regis Kirk.

GEN. NOGUCHI: Capt. Kirk, do you swear to maintain interstellar peace, to uphold the Prime Directive, to obey your oath to captaincy?

KIRK: I … do, sir.

GEN. NOGUCHI: (presents the sabre to Kirk) Then receive this symbol of your new office, captain of the Enterprise!

Kirk accepts the sword, and the crowd breaks out in applause.

SULU: So, what do you think, Kelso? Is Kirk the man to take Capt. Pike’s place?

KELSO: Ask me again in five years.

SCOTT: Aye!

FADE TO

The recreation deck sometime later.

As the after-ceremony celebrations continue, Kirk, Pike, Noguchi, and Winona and Sam Kirk stand off to the side away from prying eyes and ears.

CDRE. PIKE: Captain, the starship Enterprise is yours. (shakes Kirk’s hand) I know you’ll find her and her crew as faithful as I did.

KIRK: (smiles) Thank you, Commodore.

With a slight smile, Cdre. Christopher Pike turns and leaves, never once looking back.

SAMUEL KIRK: Hey, Jim – that was a great speech you made.

WINONA KIRK: (smiles) I agree completely.

KIRK: Thanks, Sam – Mom.

Gen. Noguchi turns to Winona.

GEN. NOGUCHI: Winona, it’s a pleasure to see you again. Especially now.

WINONA KIRK: It’s been a while, Kimitake, hasn’t it?

GEN. NOGUCHI: Yes, a long time. Since before …. Well, George would have been very proud, I think.

WINONA KIRK: Yes, he would.

GEN. NOGUCHI: (offers Winona his arm) We mustn’t offend the chefs by ignoring their day’s work. I understand they’ve created quite the spread for us. I’m told the chocolate cake is particularly delectable. (beat) Winona?

WINONA KIRK: (takes Noguchi’s arm in hers) Thank you, Kimi.

The older folks depart arm-in-arm, leaving the two Kirk brothers alone.

KIRK: (seizes Sam by the shoulders) My lord, I’m glad to see you. When did you get in? Where’s Aurelan? How’s my nephew? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?

SAMUEL KIRK: We just arrived. There’s a xenobiology conference, so we got our ways paid. We weren’t certain we’d arrive in time for the ceremony. We figured if we did, we’d surprise you. (beat) Peter’s fine – he’s learning geometry. Aurelan … she sends her love, but she’s in the middle of an experiment and can’t leave it.

KIRK: You look great, Sam. Everything’s going well?

SAMUEL KIRK: (grins) Never better.

Leading Jim over to a table, Sam picks up a pair of champagne glasses.

SAMUEL KIRK: (hands a glass to Jim) To my little brother and his ship.

Raising their glasses in a toast, they down the contents.

SAMUEL KIRK: How’s Mitch doing, anyway? Isn’t he supposed to be here?

KIRK: (smiles wryly) He had a bad run-in with pink pachyderms from Bolarus IX. He’s sleeping it off.

SAMUEL KIRK: Ah. (beat) Jim, Mom’s going back to Earth. P3M-0107’s done her good, and she loves being a grandmother – I never saw her enjoy anything as much as she enjoys spoiling Peter. You ought to –

Noticing Jim’s suddenly distant expression, he clams up.

SAMUEL KIRK: (cont’d) You ought to visit us and see how you like being an uncle. (beat) Anyway, Mom and Aurelan and I wrote a paper – it’s coming out in Jox. She wants to follow up on it on Earth, in Iowa, back on the homestead.

KIRK: That’s good news. (beat) It’s going to be a while before she gets the opportunity. It’s a three-year trip back to Earth from here.

SAMUEL KIRK: (sighs) Well, like they say: Warp travel’s not the best way to travel faster than the speed of light –

KIRK: – it’s just the only known way.

Grinning, Sam heads on over to the table with the chocolate cake. Taking up a piece, he bites into it.

SAMUEL KIRK: (mouth full) Jim, aren’t you going to enjoy your own party? Kimitake was right – the chocolate cake is terrific.

INT. ENTERPRISE/BRIDGE

On-board the bridge, the bridge crew – Maj. Gary Mitchell; Maj. S’Pock; Lt. Nyota Uhura; Lt. Hikaru Sulu; and Lt. Lee Kelso – are all present; only Capt. James Kirk is absent.

As we look upon S’Pock and Mitchell, we notice a change in the uniforms they now wear. S’Pock, no longer the Enterprise’s first officer, now wears a blue jacket of the sciences division; Mitchell has replaced his red jacket with one of command gold.

S’POCK: All stations report ready, Mr. Mitchell.

Mitchell, seated at the helm, winces, still suffering the aftereffects from his drinking binge the night before.

MITCHELL: Thank you, Mr. S’Pock. (turns in his seat until he sits facing the empty command chair) All we need now is someone in the centre seat.

Just as soon as those words are spoken, the bridge turbolift discharges James R. Kirk.

MITCHELL: Captain on the bridge!

Everyone on the bridge snaps to attention at Mitchell’s announcement.

KIRK: At ease.

As the bridge crew relaxes, Kirk walks up to the command chair and sits down in it – tenderly, lovingly.

KIRK: Status report, Mr. Mitchell?

MITCHELL: All stations ready, Captain.

KIRK: Detach all moorings. Prepare to leave Starbase 95.

INT. STARBASE 95/DOCKING BAY

Detaching from its mooring, the Enterprise backs away and then turns on its axis until it’s facing the opposite direction. Impulse engines engaging, the craft begins its run to the exit.

EXT. SPACE – STARBASE 95

The large bay door opens, allowing the Enterprise out to the airless splendour of free, star-studded space.

INT. ENTERPRISE/BRIDGE

KELSO: We have cleared Starbase 95, sir.

KIRK: Viewer on aft. Let’s have one last look at the starbase ….

An image of Starbase 95 appears on the viewscreen.

KIRK: (cont’d) It’ll be the last time we see it for five years.

With that said, Kirk then reaches for a button on an armrest; pressing it, he activates the recorder.

KIRK: Ship’s log, StarDate 1312.16, Capt. James R. Kirk reporting. With all personnel aboard, we have left Starbase 95 and are preparing to leave system S1K-28313. (beat) Words are insufficient to express what this moment means to me. I’ve had a dream for every day of my life since I was fourteen, and I’ve finally realized that dream: to sit in the command chair of the Enterprise, as her captain, taking her out into the wild, untamed regions of the galaxy.

EXT. SPACE – P1C-0072

With the Enterprise travelling at full impulse, Starbase 95, P1C-0072, and the parent red dwarf star recede into the distance until they all but vanish in the distance.

KIRK: (O.S.) For the next five years, my crew and I’ll be patrolling the Delta Sector border, far from the centres of our civilization; I don’t know what those years hold in store for us, but I’m all-too-eagre to find out.

EXT. SPACE

The local spacetime around the Enterprise begins to fluctuate, rippling wildly, until it distends and wraps itself in a ball around the ship, catapulting it on its way through the depths of warp space toward the Delta Sector.

INT. STARBASE 95/BAR

A little over two hours have passed since Kirk and Mitchell ordered their first Bolian Zombies; while the captain is still nursing that first drink, the major – inebriated to the max – is currently on his fourth.

MITCHELL: (slurring) A toast to Capt. Kirk! (beat) I always said you’d make admiral, or prison, before thirty-three!

KIRK: I’m thirty-two, Gary. I’d have to work at it to accomplish either in your time limit.

MITCHELL: Ah, but you’re a captain, and I’m only a lowly major. You’ve travelled fast and far.

KIRK: (smirks) Is that why you’re trying to make me drunk, Gary?

MITCHELL: (frowns) What? No! You deserve your prizes, and I deserve what I’ve won … which isn’t bad, come to think of it, except perhaps compared to you. (laughs) No, oh, no …. I just thought, when I saw you, how funny Rhabé was on the day he got his commission ….

Mitchell then collapses across the table, spilling the rest of their drinks in the process, caught in a fit of giggles. As the other clientele in the bar look their way, Kirk blushes with embarrassment.

KIRK: Gary? Come on, Gary, time to go.

On a whim, Kirk takes a look at his chrono. Realizing what time it is, he leaps up from his seat in shock.

KIRK: (shakes Mitchell) Gary!

MITCHELL: Mrffff ….

Jamming his shoulder under one of Mitchell’s arms, he heaves the semi-conscious major up to his feet.

MITCHELL: (grinning and drooling) Are we going to another party?

KIRK: We’re going back to your room.

With Mitchell in tow, Kirk leaves their table. As he passes the front counter, the Andorian waitress stops him with a raised hand.

ANDORIAN WAITRESS: (slides a credit chip reader across the counter to Kirk) You have to pay for your drinks, hon.

Frowning and sighing in indignation, Kirk reaches into his jacket and feels around for his credit chip. Finding it, he pulls it out, slips it into the reader, enters his personal code, and waits for the transfer to go through. Once the transfer of funds is made, he retrieves the chip from the reader.

ANDORIAN WAITRESS: (grins) Stop by again anytime, and don’t forget to bring your friend along with you.

Grumbling, Kirk half-drags, half-carries Mitchell from the bar.

INT. STARBASE 95/HABITAT SECTION/CORRIDOR

With Mitchell in tow, Kirk heads toward Mitchell’s room. Mitchell, still as drunk as ever, is a dead weight in the arms of the captain.

KIRK: Come on, Gary! If you don’t hurry, I’m going to be late! (beat) Damn your so-called sense of humour, anyway.

MITCHELL: (chuckles) You’ll thank me, James.

KIRK: Thank you!? For trying to get me drunk before change of command?!

MITCHELL: Some ceremonies are better endured with the use of a crutch.

KIRK: A crutch is what I’m going to need after I get you back to your room. (beat) Can’t you walk by yourself?

Pulling himself away from Kirk, Mitchell manages to keep himself unsteadily upright.

MITCHELL: Walk by myself? Of course.

Mitchell then topples forward. Kirk manages to catch him just in time.

MITCHELL: See? I’m quite capable of navigating on my own. Go on ahead to your ceremony.

KIRK: I couldn’t possibly.

INT. STARBASE 95/HABITAT SECTION/MITCHELL’S QUARTERS

Opening the door into Mitchell’s rented quarters, Kirk hauls the intoxicated first officer inside and then deposits him in the nearest available sofa.

MITCHELL: There’s a bottle of Saurian brandy in the kitchen cupboard. Let’s have a toast to your new mission.

KIRK: Neither of us need any brandy, Saurian or otherwise.

As Kirk turns to leave, Mitchell tries to push himself up from the sofa.

MITCHELL: I’m your first officer … I’ve gotta come with you. Can’t miss … your coronation.

KIRK: As your commanding officer, I excuse you of any duty you have in attending the change-of-command ceremony.

MITCHELL: Nonsense. Just give me a minute to –

Collapsing forward on his face, the major begins to snore.

KIRK: (smiles) Sleep well, Gary.

The captain departs.

Danfun128 said:

Why am I trying to make sense of a dream?

Because you've obviously never listened to "The Brazilian" while locked in a glass coffin filled with psychoactive toads in a room painted wall-to-wall in impossible colours. 

The sarcasm is swelling in you now ...

Mavimao said:

Neglify said:

LexX said:

GL's other movies, THX-1138 and American Graffiti. Also many Disney movies, like The Lion King.

What was changed in American Graffiti? I'm too stoned to Google. 

 If my memory serves me correctly, the biggest change is the opening shot with the diner. They digitally erased the buildings behind it and put in a new sunset. The rest is unchanged apart from some DNR. 

I remember reading somewhere that there's one or two extra scenes included in the director's cut thats not in the original, plus some minor re-cutting of existing shots.