DuracellEnergizer

It would be pretty weird if we pronounced every word the exact same way they're spelt, wouldn't it?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to ren-dez-vooz with a girl named Sy-oh-ban. Her hor-doh-vrez are simply to die for (Unfortunately, they're so tug they have to be eaten with a fork and kay-nife.).

Not sure how I feel about that costume. =\

Sorry to hear about your bad news. Hope all turns out well.

Possessed said:

Fuck ham.  Fuck ham and don't use lube.

Which one? 

Knowing myself, I'll forget the spoilers as soon as I read them. I seem to have the uncanny ability to disremember items of info I don't have any real desire to internalize.

Of course, that might not work for really big spoilers, but whatever. Unlike Abramstrek, I'll probably see TFA at least once regardless of what I hear about it.

In that case, I think "Phanta" or "Phantas"would have made a better homage than "Phasma".

But then they'd only bitch about it more. Are you sure you want that?

That reminds me of the time back in 2001 when my parents -- without my knowledge -- took a box full of my books and shoved them in a dark corner of the basement and forget about them. I had assumed that they had just given the books away and never brought the subject up with them.

Then a couple years passed, and in late 2003, while I was digging around in the basement for God knows what reason, I found the box. Moisture had gotten to the books over those few short years, and I think about half of them were ruined beyond repair by thick, black mould. The rest were salvageable, though, and I still have a few of them sitting on my shelves to this day.

ZkinandBonez said:

 

At least we now know that this isn't a droid. It seems like some kind of armoured lizard creature, kind of similar to a Dewback.
The guy riding it also looks kind of familiar, have we seen him before in any production images? Or did he exist in the SW universe before TFA?

Looks similar to those gas mask-wearing aliens from the Mos Eisley cantina:

Leonardo said:

I read the article, and it reinforced what I already knew from old interviews. Crispin Glover is a pretentious character actor who fancies himself quite the thespian

I wonder if he's repressed the memories about his involvement in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter.

DuracellEnergizer said:

Now, for my daunting list:

(* indicates books I haven’t yet read, haven’t finished reading, haven’t read within recent memory, or can’t recall reading)

(BOLD indicates books I’ve recently added to my collection/neglected to mention before)

(<span style=“text-decoration: underline;”>UNDERLINE</span> indicates books I’ve weeded from my collection)

Star Trek 5 (by James Blish)*

Star Trek 11 (by James Blish)*

Three Complete Novels (Psycho, Psycho II, Psycho House) (by Robert Bloch)*

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass (by Lewis Carroll)*

Don Quixote (by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra)*

Still More Scary Stories for Stormy Nights (by Jim Charbonneau)*

Lucasfilm’s Alien Chronicles #1: The Golden One (by Deborah Chester)*

Lucasfilm’s Alien Chronicles #2: The Crimson Claw (by Deborah Chester)*

Lucasfilm’s Alien Chronicles #3: The Crystal Eye (by Deborah Chester)*

Beneath Still Waters (by Matthew J. Costello)

Star Wars: The Han Solo Trilogy (by A. C. Crispin)

<span style=“text-decoration: underline;”>Star Wars: The Han Solo Adventures (by Brian Daley)*</span>

Garfield: His 9 Lives (by Jim Davis, Mike Fentz, Ron Tuthill, Dave Kühn, & Jim Clements)

Garfield’s Jolly Holiday 3-Pack (by Jim Davis)*

Stargate (by Dean Devlin & Roland Emmerich)

Blade Runner (Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?) (by Philip K. Dick)

Batman versus Predator III: Blood Ties #1 (by Chuck Dixon)

Batman versus Predator III: Blood Ties #2 (by Chuck Dixon)

Batman versus Predator III: Blood Ties #3 (by Chuck Dixon)

Star Trek: Doctor’s Orders (by Diane Duane)*

Star Trek: My Enemy, My Ally (by Diane Duane)

Star Trek: Spock’s World (by Diane Duane)*

I Know What You Did Last Summer (by Lois Duncan)*

Delusions of Grandma (by Carrie Fisher)*

Splinter of the Mind’s Eye (by Alan Dean Foster)

Star Trek: The Galactic Whirlpool (by David Gerrold)*

Star Trek: Trek to Madworld (by Stephen Goldin)*

Star Trek: Planet of Judgment (by Joe Haldeman)*

Star Trek: World without End (by Joe Haldeman)*

Red Dragon (by Thomas Harris)

<span style=“text-decoration: underline;”>The Silence of the Lambs (by Thomas Harris)</span>

Starship Troopers (by Robert A. Heinlein)*

Dune (by Frank Herbert)

Dune Messiah (by Frank Herbert)

Children of Dune (by Frank Herbert)*

God Emperor of Dune (by Frank Herbert)*

Heretics of Dune (by Frank Herbert)*

Chapterhouse: Dune (by Frank Herbert)*

The Outsiders (by S. E. Hinton)*

<span style=“text-decoration: underline;”>Bunnicula (by Deborah & James Howe)</span>

Return to Howliday Inn (by James Howe)*

<span style=“text-decoration: underline;”>Star Wars: The Bounty Hunter Wars (by K. W. Jeter)*</span>

The Phantom Tollbooth (by Norton Juster)

Poltergeist (by James Kahn)*

The Bachman Books (by Stephen King)*

Cujo (by Stephen King)*

The Dark Tower I: The Gunslinger (by Stephen King)

The Dark Tower II: The Drawing of the Three (by Stephen King)

The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands (by Stephen King)

The Dark Tower IV: Wizard and Glass (by Stephen King)

Different Seasons (by Stephen King)*

Everything’s Eventual (by Stephen King)

Four Past Midnight (by Stephen King)

Full Dark, No Stars (by Stephen King)

It (by Stephen King)*

Just after Sunset (by Stephen King)

Misery (by Stephen King)

Nightmares & Dreamscapes (by Stephen King)

Night Shift (by Stephen King)

Pet Sematary (by Stephen King)

'Salem’s Lot (by Stephen King)*

The Shining (by Stephen King)

Skeleton Crew (by Stephen King)*

Alien Secrets (by Annette Curtis Klause)*

X-0 Manowar, Vol. 1, #0 (by Bob Layton & Jorge Gonzalez)

The Phantom of the Opera (by Gaston Leroux)*

The Chronicles of Narnia #1: The Magician’s Nephew (by C. S. Lewis)

The Chronicles of Narnia #2: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (by C. S. Lewis)

The Chronicles of Narnia #3: The Horse and His Boy (by C. S. Lewis)

The Chronicles of Narnia #4: Prince Caspian (by C. S. Lewis)

The Chronicles of Narnia #5: Voyage of the Dawn Treader (by C. S. Lewis)

The Chronicles of Narnia #6: The Silver Chair (by C. S. Lewis)

The Chronicles of Narnia #7: The Last Battle (by C. S. Lewis)

The Collection (by Bentley Little)*

The Resort (by Bentley Little)*

The Return (by Bentley Little)*

The Doom that Came to Sarnath and Other Stories (by H. P. Lovecraft)*

Shadows of Death (by H. P. Lovecraft)*

The Transition of H. P. Lovecraft: The Road to Madness (by H. P. Lovecraft)

Gathering Blue (by Lois Lowry)*

The Giver (by Lois Lowry)*

The Star Wars Trilogy (by George Lucas, Donald F. Glut, & James Kahn)*

Star Wars: Ambush at Corellia (by Roger MacBride Allen)

Star Wars: Assault at Selonia (by Roger MacBride Allen)

Star Wars: Showdown at Centerpoint (by Roger MacBride Allen)

Burnt Offerings (by Robert Marcaso)*

Stargate: Rebellion (by Bill McCay)*

Stargate: Retaliation (by Bill McCay)*

Stargate: Retribution (by Bill McCay)

Stargate: Resistance (by Bill McCay)

Batman/Spawn: War Devil (by Doug Moench, Chuck Dixon, & Alan Grant)

More Bones: Scary Stories from Around the World (by Arielle North Olson & Howard Schwartz)

1984 (by George Orwell)*

The Transall Saga (by Gary Paulsen)

The Adventures of Captain Underpants (by Dav Pilkey)*

Captain Underpants and the Attack of the Talking Toilets (by Dav Pilkey)*

Captain Underpants and the Invasion of the Incredibly Naughty Cafeteria Ladies from Outer Space (And the Subsequent Assault of the Equally Evil Lunchroom Zombie Nerds) (by Dav Pilkey)*

Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants (by Dav Pilkey)*

Captain Underpants and the Wrath of the Wicked Wedgie Woman (by Dav Pilkey)*

Captain Underpants and the Big, Bad Battle of the Bionic Booger Boy, Part 1: The Night of the Nasty Nostril Nuggets (by Dav Pilkey)*

Captain Underpants and the Big, Bad Battle of the Bionic Booger Boy, Part 2: The Revenge of the Ridiculous Robo-Boogers (by Dav Pilkey)*

Captain Underpants and the Preposterous Plight of the Purple Potty People (by Dav Pilkey)*

The Fall of the House of Usher and Other Stories (by Edgar Allen Poe)*

The Raven and Other Writings (by Edgar Allen Poe)*

Sideways Stories from Wayside School (by Louis Sachar)

Wayside School is Falling Down (by Louis Sachar)

Wayside School Gets a Little Stranger (by Louis Sachar)

Dare to be Scared: Thirteen Stories to Chill and Thrill (by Robert D. San Souci)

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (by Alvin Schwartz)

More Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (by Alvin Schwartz)

Scary Stories 3: More Tales to Chill Your Bones (by Alvin Schwartz)

The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales (by Jon Scieszka & Lane Smith)

Hamlet (by William Shakespeare)

Macbeth (by William Shakespeare)*

Frankenstein (by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley)*

Summer of Night (by Dan Simmons)

A Winter Haunting (by Dan Simmons)

Bone #1: Out from Boneville (by Jeff Smith)*

Bone #2: The Great Cow Race (by Jeff Smith)*

Bone #3: Eyes of the Storm (by Jeff Smith)*

Bone #4: The Dragonslayer (by Jeff Smith)*

Bone #5: Rock Jaw: Master of the Eastern Border (by Jeff Smith)*

Bone #6: Old Man’s Cave (by Jeff Smith)*

Bone #7: Ghost Circles (by Jeff Smith)*

Bone #8: Treasure Hunters (by Jeff Smith)*

Bone #9: Crown of Horns (by Jeff Smith)*

Star Wars: The Lando Calrissian Adventures (by L. Neil Smith)*

Star Wars: I, Jedi (by Michael A. Stackpole)

Goosebumps #14: The Werewolf of Fever Swamp (by R. L. Stine)

Goosebumps #25: Attack of the Mutant (by R. L. Stine)

Nightmare Hour (by R. L. Stine)*

The Hobbit (by J. R. R. Tolkien)*

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (by J. R. R. Tolkien)*

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (by J. R. R. Tolkien)*

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (by J. R. R. Tolkien)*

Star Wars: The Truce at Bakura (by Kathy Tyers)*

The Essential Calvin and Hobbes (by Bill Watterson)

The Calvin and Hobbes Lazy Sunday Book (by Bill Watterson)

The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes (by Bill Watterson)

The Revenge of the Baby-Sat (by Bill Watterson)

Scientific Progess Goes “Boink” (by Bill Watterson)

Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons (by Bill Watterson)

Scary Stories for Stormy Nights (by R. C. Welch)

The War of the Worlds (by H. G. Wells)*

Star Wars: Galaxy of Fear #2: City of the Dead (by John Whitman)

Star Wars: Galaxy of Fear #3: Planet Plague (by John Whitman)

Star Wars: Galaxy of Fear #4: The Nightmare Machine (by John Whitman)

Star Wars: Galaxy of Fear #6: Army of Terror (by John Whitman)

Star Wars: Galaxy of Fear #11: Clones (by John Whitman)

The Autobiography of Malcolm X<span style=“font-size: 11.3999996185303px; line-height: 13.6799993515015px;”> (by Alex Haley)*</span>

Star Wars: Heir to the Force (by Timothy Zahn)

Star Wars: Dark Force Rising (by Timothy Zahn)

Star Wars: The Last Command (by Timothy Zahn)

Star Wars: Specter of the Past (by Timothy Zahn)

Star Wars: Vision of the Future (by Timothy Zahn)

Loch (by Paul Zindel)*

Star Wars: Tales of the Bounty Hunters (edited by Kevin J. Anderson)

Star Wars: Tales from the Mos Eisley Cantina (edited by Kevin J. Anderson)

DC Special Series, Vol. 3, #19: Secret Origins of Super-Heroes (edited by E. Nelson Bridwell)*

Bruce Coville’s Book of Nightmares (edited by Bruce Coville)*

The Best of DC, Vol. 5, #36: Superman vs. Kryptonite (edited by Nicola Cuti)*

The Best of DC #48: Superman Team-Up Action! (edited by Nicola Cuti)*

The Best of DC #66: Superman Team-Up Action! (edited by Nicola Cuti)*

The Complete Ghost Stories of Charles Dickens (edited by Peter Haining)*

DC Special Blue Ribbon Digest, Vol. 1, #4: Green Lantern (edited by Jack C. Harris)*

DC Special Series, Vol. 5, #23: World’s Finest Comics Digest (edited by Jack C. Harris)*

The World’s Greatest Horror Stories (edited by Stephen Jones & Dave Carson)*

Bart Simpson #81 (edited by Nathan Kane)

<span style=“font-size: 11.3999996185303px; line-height: 13.6799993515015px;”>Simpsons Spectacularly Super Summer Shindig #9 (edited by Nathan Kane)</span>

Star Wars Tales, Vol. 4 (edited by Dave Land)

The Ultimate Spider-Man (edited by Stan Lee)*

Star Trek: The New Voyages (edited by Sondra Marshak & Myrna Culbreath)*

Star Trek: The New Voyages 2 (edited by Sondra Marshak & Myrna Culbreath)*

Bart Simpson<span style=“line-height: 14.3999996185303px;”> #17 (edited by Bill Morisson)</span>

Bart Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror #4 (edited by Bill Morisson)

<span style=“line-height: 14.3999996185303px;”>Bart Simpson’s Treehouse of Horror #12 (edited by Bill Morisson)</span>

<span style=“line-height: 14.3999996185303px;”>Simpsons Classics #3 (edited by Bill Morrison)</span>

Simpsons Comics #50 (edited by Bill Morrison)*

Simpsons Comics: Wingding (edited by Bill Morrison)*

Jonathan Swift: A Selection of His Works (edited by Philip Pinkus)*

The Best of DC, Vol. 3, #16: Superman (edited by Julius Schwartz)*

Star Wars: Tales from the Empire (edited by Peter Schweighhofer)

Star Wars: Tales from the New Republic (edited by Peter Schweighhofer & Craig Carey)*

The Best of DC, Vol. 4, #21: Justice Society of America (edited by Len Wein)*

Great Horror Stories (published by Chancellor Press)*

Alfred Hitchcock Presents 12 Stories for Late at Night (published by Dell Publishing, Co., Inc.)*

Walt Disney’s Three Little Pigs (published by Little Golden Books)

Holy Bible (Revised Standard Version) (published by William Collins Sons & Co., Ltd.)

The Unseen (stories selected by Janet Lunn)

ray_afraid said:

DuracellEnergizer said:

I'm going away, and I'm not coming back.

Well, to be more accurate, the version of me that has been here for the last couple of years -- the goofy, snarky, silly, absurdist version of me -- is leaving and leaving for good. I'll still be here, I'll still post, but don't expect any humour from me anymore; from now on, I'll be here what I am in my personal life: serious and humourless.

I've tried treating almost everything as a joke to cope with the emptiness that is my life, but it isn't working, so I'm not even going to bother with it anymore. I'll try not to be too morose or pessimistic around here, but aside from that, don't expect any pretense of chipperness from me anymore.

 Wow. Now who's panties are twisted, eh?
Calm down man. You said something some didn't like. So what?

It's not that. At least, it's not the main thing. Too many things are getting to me, now -- my home life, the weather -- so it was only a matter of time before one thing or another finally laid me flat.

Maybe I'll feel better eventually, but right now, I just don't feel up to playing things silly anymore.

I'm going away, and I'm not coming back.

Well, to be more accurate, the version of me that has been here for the last couple of years -- the goofy, snarky, silly, absurdist version of me -- is leaving and leaving for good. I'll still be here, I'll still post, but don't expect any humour from me anymore; from now on, I'll be here what I am in my personal life: serious and humourless.

I've tried treating almost everything as a joke to cope with the emptiness that is my life, but it isn't working, so I'm not even going to bother with it anymore. I'll try not to be too morose or pessimistic around here, but aside from that, don't expect any pretense of chipperness from me anymore.

You needn't worry about edginess and taboo-breaking from me from now on. Life is no longer a joke -- just a horrible, unending nightmare -- and I don't feel like laughing at it anymore.

From now on, I'll handle my misery on-line the same way I handle it in my personal life -- with silent loathing.

JFTR, I didn't post my "idiocy" anywhere at all, so don't get your panties in such a twist.

I wish this godforsaken summer would just end.

RicOlie_2 said:

I might be a little premature on this, but I can't help but want to have all three spoiler threads started by the same person. ;)

Perhaps you should just start the Episode IX spoiler thread then and get it all over with already. =P

I got a new fly swatter a few weeks ago, and I've finally broken it in. It kills 'em Musca domestica real good.

Danfun128 said:

*shudders*

This picture brings to mind an awfully racist joke many would no doubt find offensive. I think I'll refrain from relating it here. 

I thought "uncanny valley" only applies to humans. Yoda's not human, so ...

Danfun128 said:

This would be a good time to talk about nonsense issues, like writing a Canadian Law that guarantees the right to exact change, even if it goes against what the Standing Senate Committee on National Finance wanted to do since 2010. Of the 37% of Canadians who used pennies, what percentage of them are disabled in such a way that they *have* to use exact change instead of rounding? Those people have been made second class citizens thanks to the effort to destroy the Canadian penny.

...Did I mention I was American, not Canadian, and have no idea how Canadian law works?

Made a short trip up here and found yourself having to buy something, didn't ya? 

AntcuFaalb said:

Warbler said:

I don't know why but I right now I feel so, so, so, angry. 

fuck everything.

Angrily stuff your face full of junk food and then masturbate furiously. These are the orders of your doctor, Dr. Antcu Faalb.

You will feel better immediately afterward or you will get your money back, guaranteed!!!

If you have to spend money on this, wouldn't it be better just to have angry sex with a hooker instead? 

EXT. WARP SPACE – ENTERPRISE

The Enterprise continues to travel through the darkness of warp space, blue spiderweb patterns appearing and disappearing sporadically across the otherwise invisible walls of the field holding this small pocket universe together.

KIRK: (V.O.) Ship’s log, StarDate 1312.21, Capt. James R. Kirk reporting. (beat) Five days have passed since we departed Starbase 95, and we are on a delivery run to Starbase 104, our cargo bay laden with supplies the station is in need of. (beat) There’s a day left in-transit before we reach the starbase, so I’ve decided to kill some time exploring my new ship ….

INT. ENTERPRISE/MAIN ENGINEERING

Entering main engineering, the captain finds this section of the ship a-bustle with activity; various crewmen in engineering suits make their way to-and-fro about their duties, working hard to keep the warp drive and associated systems in top operating condition. Nodding with silent approval, the captain finds his way to Mr. Scott.

SCOTT: (notices Kirk and stops what he’s doing to acknowledge the captain’s presence) Er … Capt. Kirk.

KIRK: I thought I’d get acquainted with the ship.

Walking around Scotty, Kirk continues to scrutinize the surrounding systems and equipment.

KIRK: I’m very impressed, Mr. Scott.

SCOTT: (hopeful) Then ye’ll want to be making some speed trials, will ye, Captain?

KIRK: Not just now, Mr. Scott. Maybe later in the trip.

SCOTT: But, Captain –

KIRK: (firm) Later, Mr. Scott.

Scott decides to remain silent. Once Kirk leaves, he frowns to himself.

SCOTT: (in a mock Shatnerian impression) Later, Mr. Scott! (beat) Blast it out yer shaft, ye inexperienced tyro ….

INT. ENTERPRISE/RECREATION DECK

The recreation deck (having returned to the state it was in prior to the change-of-command ceremony held at Starbase 95) has been subdivided into a multitude of gymnasiums, game rooms, and lounges.

In one of the lounges, S’Pock sits alone at a table, playing a game of three-dimensional chess against himself. Deep in concentration, he doesn’t make an effort to acknowledge Captain Kirk’s presence as the Human enters the room and walks up to him.

KIRK: Need an opponent?

S’POCK: No, Captain.

KIRK: Why are you playing alone?

S’POCK: Because, Captain, no one on board plays at my level.

KIRK: You’re modest, aren’t you?

S’POCK: I am neither modest nor immodest; both are character traits beyond which Vulcans have evolved. I state a fact.

KIRK: (scrutinizes the chessboard) Are you playing black or white?

S’POCK: Both, of course, Captain.

KIRK: But black’s move? (smiles wrily) Of course?

Making a noncommittal sound, S’Pock proceeds to move a piece: queen to queen’s pawn D-4. Placing the piece down, he thoughtfully draws his hand back.

KIRK: White to checkmate in three.

As the half-Vulcan looks up at him in disbelief, Kirk simply turns around, leisurely surveys the lounge, and then strolls away.

INT. ENTERPRISE/MESS HALL

It is dinner time aboard the Enterprise, and a good number of the ship’s crew have assembled to eat.

S’Pock approaches one of the mess hall’s food synthesizers.

S’POCK: Computer, green salad, undressed.

As soon as the request is given, a tray with a plate of undressed green salad materializes within the synthesizer’s slot.

Taking the tray, S’Pock makes his way over to his usual table. Unfortunately for the major, who prefers to eat alone, the table is occupied by some of the female crew members: the exotic, dusky Zahra Jamal; the pretty, auburn-haired Marla McGivers; and the cat-eyed Hazarstennaj. Talking with one another animatedly, they freeze and fall silent once they see S’Pock standing over them. Hesitating but a single moment, the half-Vulcan decides to take a seat with them.

CPL. JAMAL: (uneasy) Uh, Mr. S’Pock ….

S’POCK: Yes, Corporal?

CPL. JAMAL: Nothing. I mean, hello, sir.

Accepting her greeting without response, S’Pock settles down to eat. Grasping his fork, he spears some of the greens and lifts them to his mouth. Before he has a chance to bite down, though, the smell of the vegetables reaches his nostrils. Assaulted by the scent, he slowly puts the fork down and glances at the meals of his table partners; Jamal is having broiled salmon, McGivers some type of glazed fowl, and Hazarstennaj a large, raw, 1-kilo steak; from the look of things, their plates have barely been touched.

S’POCK: Are your meals satisfactorily synthesized?

The others exchange glances. McGivers then giggles.

S’POCK: Erroneous synthesis is a serious matter. I did not intend levity.

2ND LT. MCGIVERS: I know that, Mr. S’Pock, but we were just talking about the food. It’s been getting worse all day.

S’POCK: The synthesizers must have been reprogrammed. I suspect the maintenance crews misadjusted them at Starbase 95.

CPL. JAMAL: Anything’s a disappointment after the fresh salmon we had on Two Dawns, but this tastes like … (cringes) chicken.

2ND LT. MCGIVERS: I knew I was challenging the synthesizer, so I suppose I was asking for it.

S’POCK: I beg your pardon, Lieutenant, but do you mean you got the meal you asked for, or you did not get the meal you asked for?

2ND LT. MCGIVERS: (grins) Both. Neither. What I asked for was duck lu-se-te. It’s a variation of duck à l’orange, but le-se is from my homeworld, and it’s green. (beat) I didn’t expect the synthesizer to know what I was asking for. It didn’t reject the request … but it didn’t exactly fill it, either. This tastes like … (cringes) wood pulp and sugar syrup.

S’POCK: Am I correct in assuming that this is not what you wished it to taste like?

2ND LT. MCGIVERS: You are correct.

A1C. HAZARSTENNAJ: Wood pulp and syrup would be an improvement on this!

Growling, the felinoid airman picks up a shred of pink meat and thrusts it before S’Pock’s face. The half-Vulcan barely manages to keep himself from recoiling in disgust.

A1C. HAZARSTENNAJ: Taste it!

S’POCK: Your assurance that it is unacceptable is quite sufficient.

A1C. HAZARSTENNAJ: No, you must taste it to get the full effect. It tastes like … (cringes) it tastes like vegetables.

Cocking an eyebrow, S’Pock picks the morsel from Hazarstennaj’s slender fingers, gives it a sniff, then pops it in his mouth. Chewing carefully, allowing the full flavour of the food to cover his palate, he swallows.

S’POCK: (picks up his forkful of salad and offers it to Hazard) Perhaps you will find this to your taste.

A1C. HAZARSTENNAJ: (growls) You wish me to eat leaves?

CPL. JAMAL: Hazard will never live it down if she eats a salad, Mr. S’Pock.

S’POCK: The salad may be her only choice if she wishes animal protein in her dinner.

Growling softly, Hazarstennaj plucks the bit of salad off S’Pock’s fork and, with trepidation, places it in her mouth.

A1C. HAZARSTENNAJ: (surprised) It is cooked!

S’POCK: That is true.

Taking her plate, Hazard swaps it for S’Pock’s.

A1C. HAZARSTENNAJ: Better than nothing. I will trade you.

S’POCK: Very well. (divides the huge pseudo-steak in three) Lt. McGivers, Cpl. Jamal, will you have some? It tastes – I assume – more acceptable than wood pulp or chicken.

JAMAL & MCGIVERS: (in unison) Thanks.

Taking two-thirds of his pseudo-steak, S’Pock places either piece on each of the Humans’ plates. Meanwhile, Hazard consumes her meat salad with great relish before going off to order another.

INT. ENTERPRISE/KIRK’S QUARTERS

Kirk is seated at his desk, dividing his finite attention between his computer console, a PADD, and several hardcopy printouts when a BUZZ resounds through his door.

KIRK: Come.

The door opens and Maj. Mitchell saunters in.

MITCHELL: Did you eat?

KIRK: Eat?

MITCHELL: Dinner.

KIRK: Oh, Lord – I lost track of time. (shakes his head) I don’t believe it – five days into my five-year mission, and I’m already behind on my paperwork.

MITCHELL: (looks at the mess of Kirk’s desk) What’s all this?

KIRK: It’s, you know, (waves his hands) paperwork.

MITCHELL: Why are you doing it?

KIRK: It has to be done. (beat) I always do it, but I never had quite so much of it before.

MITCHELL: Where’s your yeoman?

KIRK: I don’t have a yeoman.

MITCHELL: (nonplussed) You don’t have one?

KIRK: I’ve never had one before.

MITCHELL: You’ve never been captain of a Constitution-class starship before.

KIRK: (irate) I don’t want a yeoman. I don’t need someone fussing over me and sticking things under my nose to sign and being sure the synthesizer put the right amount of carbohydrates in my food.

MITCHELL: (draws up a chair and straddles it) James, permit your ol’ buddy, ol’ pal Mitch to give you some friendly advice. You’re commanding twice as many people as you ever have before. Starfleet paperwork increases in proportion to the size of the crew.

KIRK: It’ll be alright as soon as I get caught up.

MITCHELL: You’ll never get caught up. You know you’ll never get caught up. This isn’t your job anymore.

KIRK: I suppose you have a magical solution.

MITCHELL: James, go down to the quartermaster’s office, pick out a likely clerk, and promote them.

KIRK: It’ll take me more time to train somebody to do this than it would to do it myself.

MITCHELL: Not in the long run. Not if you pick someone with more than half a brain.

KIRK: (sighs) Alright, I’ll try it – on a temporary basis.

MITCHELL: (smiles) Good. (walks over to the food synthesizer) Now, what do you want?

KIRK: Gary, I can feed myself.

MITCHELL: Just consider me acting yeoman for the time being.

KIRK: (sighs) Surprise me.

MITCHELL: Computer, roast teracaq with a side of west Centauri poutine and iced jestral tea.

The order materializes. Picking it up, Mitchell carries it over and sets it down before the captain.

MITCHELL: Bon appetit.

As the major departs, Kirk picks up his fork and knife and slices off a thin piece of the teracaj. As he bites into the meat, though, his face turns green, and he quickly spits it out into his napkin. The unwelcome taste still in his mouth, he picks up his mug of tea and takes a sip, only to automatically spew the horrid liquid from his mouth.

Darth Id said:

I did indeed googol "black lacquer dildo"

Are you saying you multiplied one black lacquer dildo by 10¹⁰⁰?

Are you sure he wasn't translucently lying?