DuracellEnergizer

EXT. DESERT – MONTAGE

Bail, Vaness, Obi, and Anakin spend the next several hours hiking through the desolate landscape towards the mysterious ziggurat.

EXT. ZIGGURAT – DAWN

The team of four finally arrives at the ziggurat. Up close, it can now be seen that the magnificent edifice has been wrought out of large red granite blocks, each expertly cut and fitted without the use of mortar. Thousands of years old, the construct has remained remarkably intact in spite of the harsh climate around it.

In awe of the ancient ziggurat, the travellers ascend the long ramp leading up into the structure.

INT. ZIGGURAT/ENTRANCE GALLERY – DAWN

The four Humans pass through the open entrance into the gallery beyond. Phosphorescent pigments allied to the hieroglyphs carved in the walls afford the passage a natural illumination. Lining the walls at regular intervals between the hieroglyphic inscriptions are several tall statues, each carved in the likeness of humanoid beings, some with plaited beards, all with strange tusk-like protrusions erupting from their cheeks. Obi-Wan halts at the sight of these statues, an immediate recognition setting in.

OBI-WAN: My God.

BAIL: What?

OBI-WAN: This is a Sith temple.

BAIL: (confused) Sith?

CMDR. VANESS: Don’t you know your history, Bail? The Sith were a cult created by the dark Jedi Exar Kun four-thousand years ago.

Stepping up to one of the statues, Obi examines it closely.

OBI-WAN: No. This is a creation of the original Sith, a race which reigned in their own region of space in the thousands of years before Kun.

BAIL: These Sith, they’re bad news?

OBI-WAN: They were once – long, long ago. (beat) They’re extinct now.

Leaving the statue, Obi-Wan continues down the gallery. The others follow after.

INT. ZIGGURAT/BURIAL CHAMBER – DAWN

The Humans emerge into the burial chamber. A large, conical chamber, twelve panels line the walls, each engraved with murals depicting the personal history of the chamber’s lone inhabitant. In the centre of the chamber, bathed in rainbow light falling through a prismatic skylight in the distant ceiling above, is a sarcophagus of white jade, the life-like effigy of a lovely Sith woman chiselled into the lid.

ANAKIN: (shivers) It’s sure cold in here.

The others, including Obi, look on the Jedi apprentice strangely.

ANAKIN: (rubs his arms) Don’t you feel it?

OBI-WAN: I don’t feel anything.

CMDR. VANESS: It’s no cooler in here than it is out there.

ANAKIN: It’s got to be 10° in here. How can you not feel it?

CMDR. VANESS: It’s just this place. It gives me the creeps, too.

Leaving the others, Anakin approaches the sarcophagus. Examining the serene, sleeping face engraved on the sarcophagus lid, he then places a hand down on her crossed hands.

ANAKIN: (snatches his hand back) OW!

OBI-WAN: (takes a step forward; concerned) What’s wrong?!

ANAKIN: (holds his afflicted hand) It’s ice cold!

Striding over to the sarcophagus, Obi rests his own hand on it; he feels nothing out of the ordinary.

BAIL: Let’s go. There’s nothing here for us.

Bail heads off, the others following suit. Anakin dallies momentarily, giving the sarcophagus one last look before leaving with the rest.

Late response is late.

Anyway, I agree that it’s pretty dead right now.

Tobar said:

I never really paid this film much attention, but it has Max Von Sydow, Patrick Stewart, Kyle Machlachlan and Brad Dourif?!? I need to see this!

Just don’t go in expecting a great adaptation of the novel and you should be fine (provided you can stomach the truly nasty depiction of the baron).

Swazzy said:

Duracell, I have some bad news…

https://youtu.be/vd_8-NCN5CU

Meh.

At this point, I expect nothing but mediocrity from the ST. If true, this won’t change anything.

TV’s Frink said:

DONT SUCK THE JOY OUT OF THIS

In my own defense, I didn’t “stumble” – I was being a disturbing creep. Big difference.

While I’ve heard a few of their songs over the years, I’ve never sat down and listened to an entire album by I Mother Earth.

Well, I listened to their debut album last night, and I can say only this: They’re awesome and quite possibly a new favourite.

^You forgot to mention his sounds of constipation. Those were truly the coup de grace.

Yeah, but you were back months ago. We’re talking posters who haven’t shown their faces in years.

Nanner Split said:

i was 16 when i joined here and i regret everything i posted up until like 6 months ago. why teenagers are allowed internet access i don’t understand

This is why I’m glad I only got a home computer in December 2007. Lord only knows what homophobic garbage I would spewed about the Internet had I regular access in 2001-2003.

EXT. XUTHLTAN – DRIED-UP RIVERBED – DAWN

The survivors of the Wayward Son march on, sluggish and weary from over a week of nigh-endless exertion under the planet’s unyielding dry heat.

Lids heavy, Moulin uncaps her canteen and raises it to her long, cracked lips. When her tongue is met with no water, she taps the bottom of the canteen, but nothing comes forth.

DR. MOULIN: (returns the empty canteen to her belt) Well, that’s that – I’m dry.

MSC. NAAD: (offers her her own canteen) Here, have some of mine.

DR. MOULIN: (raises her hands) I couldn’t.

MSC. NAAD: Please. I can do with less water than you, anyway.

Tentatively, the rephibian takes the young woman’s canteen. Uncapping it, she takes a short sip.

DR. MOULIN: (returns the canteen to Kathe) Thank you.

CMDR. VANESS: (halts) Stop.

At the commander’s order, the others come to a sudden halt. Before them, almost unnoticeable from their angle of observation, the river bed comes to an abrupt end, transitioning into a vertical drop in the rock which stretches for several metres. Most likely a high waterfall at some point in this world’s history, it – along with the rest of the landscape – dried up a long time ago.

With Obi-Wan’s assistance, Bail lowers Cody’s stretcher. He then joins his second-in-command at the drop.

BAIL: (looks over the drop) It goes down a ways. (beat) It looks too steep to climb down.

MSC. NAAD: We managed to salvage line from the wreck.

BAIL: Let’s see it.

Lowering their packs, Anakin, Kathe, and Moulin begin fishing around in them in search of the line. The Gungan soon finds the bundle of line in one of hers; striding over to the captain and commander, she presents it to them.

BAIL: It might not be long enough, but it’ll have to do.

ANAKIN: (points at something in the distance) Hey – what’s that, way over there?

Following his finger, Bail and Vaness find, past the vertical drop, far in the distance but not too far to walk, a large mass rising out of the otherwise flat terrain. Pulling out her pair of electrobinoculars, Vaness takes a look.

CMDR. VANESS’ P.O.V. – ZIGGURAT

Through the electrobinoculars, we can see that the mass is no natural formation. Though fine details still cannot be made out, it is clearly a ziggurat, consisting of two levels with a prominent ramp leading to the first and a lesser ramp leading to the second.

CUT TO

Vaness handing the electrobinoculars to Bail.

VANESS: It’s a ziggurat.

BAIL: (looks through the electrobinoculars) Well, this world’s not as empty as we were led to believe.

VANESS: There’re no other traces of civilization, Bail – no agriculture, no other buildings, definitely no sign of people. It looks as dead as everything else we’ve seen.

BAIL: You may be right. Regardless, there still may be something of value to be found inside. I’m game to find out if you are.

VANESS: (shrugs) I’m game.

BAIL: Alright. (to the others) Find something to secure the line to and get it ready. We’re going on to the ziggurat.

OBI-WAN: I don’t think it’s wise to take Cody along with us. We don’t know how grievous his injuries are; we could do him serious harm if we tried lowering him down the line.

BAIL: Then one of us is going to have to stay behind to keep a watch over him.

MSC. NAAD: I’ll do it.

DR. MOULIN: If you don’t mind, Captain, I’d like to stay, too. We haven’t run up against any dangers so far, but if that were to change, it’d be better for there to be two around to protect the commander than one.

BAIL: (nods) Very well. We’ll leave you some extra water and a comlink. Contact us if his condition changes at all.

Moulin nods once in acknowledgement.

CUT TO

Bail, Vaness, Obi-Wan, and Nik as they lower themselves down the line centimetre-by-centimetre. Moulin and Naad, back on top with the unconscious Cmdr. Cody, watch them make their descent.

Soon, they come to the end of the line. As luck would have it, the line is a bit too short; they have to let go and fall a short but safe distance to make it to the bottom.

No. Just no.

Warbler said:

When I saw TFA, I think saw something I really hope I didn’t see. One of the trailers before TFA was for Batman vs. Superman. I think I saw Batman with a gun. I really, really, hope I am wrong about this.

Batman with a gun would be the least of that abomination’s problems.

TavorX said:

It may be wayyy early to say this since there’s two more films to watch, but I recently finished Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring, extended version. This is my first time seeing this film. My boss was honestly baffled I had never seen LotR. My boss loves Star Wars, but he said LotR is sooo much better than Star Wars. So I said alright, alright, I’ll get to watching them over the break. Holy shit, I’ve never expereinced such a super long setup/exposition like that. I’m ashamed to say it, but I kept checking the time left on the film because it really felt it was dragging on and on.

Is it normal to find the first film boring and then later, after seeing all three, suddenly it appears great? It didn’t exactly make me excited to see the next two, but I’ll do it regardless since it’s one of those trilogies that many have seen.

Well, like you said, you did see the extended version. I haven’t seen the extended version myself so I don’t know how it compares, but perhaps the theatrical version would be more your speed.

I’ve been rewatching The X-Files in preparation for the new miniseries, myself. I don’t think I’ll finish in time, though; like yourself, I’m currently in Season 7, and it’s a tedious, energy-draining slog to get through.

If I ever get drunk in public, you can rested assured in the knowledge that I will take full advantage of the situation by making a complete spectacle of myself.

Sure, I’ll most likely end up sleeping it off in a jail cell, but what a story it’ll make in the local news.

Bosk said:

I’d hate to see a sequel/prequel of any other classic films which takes everything away from the ‘originals’.

Then don’t ever see any of the sequels to Highlander.

Perhaps all the crystals were lost and/or destroyed prior to the events of the OT?

Kind of a lazy answer, I know, but I can’t think of anything much better.

^That is unquestionably gorgeous. If it were at all possible, I’d made it part of my personal canon.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE/WINDU APARTMENT/LIVING AREA – DAY

Siri and ‘Chi are decked out on the couch, watching cartoons on the holovid display, when the front door opens and Master Windu and Mistress Gallia step inside.

UZOCHI: (ecstatic) Mommy! Daddy!

Bolting off the couch, the little boy runs to his parents, seizing Gallia’s leg in a vice-like grip. The two are as happy to see their son as he is to see them.

MACE WINDU: (grins) Hello, little man. How’s your day been?

UZOCHI: Great! Me and Siri’s been watching Bungo ‘n’ Rusti!

Leaving the couch, Siri approaches the two Jedi masters and their child.

SIRI: You’re home early.

ADI GALLIA: It was unusually slow in the council chambers today. We were able to call it a day earlier than usual. (to ‘Chi) Now we can send some time with our special little guy, can’t we?

MACE WINDU: What would you like us to do, ‘Chi? The choice is yours.

UZOCHI: (thinks it over) Ice cream?

MACE WINDU: (laughs) No problem. (to Siri) Would you care to join us? You’re more than welcome.

SIRI: (shakes her head) This is your time. Spend it together as a family.

The Jedi masters choose to accept that answer.

SIRI: (to Uzochi) I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?

UZOCHI: Okay. Bye, Siri.

Smiling, Siri gives the boy a rub on the head.

INT. 662 GASGAR VALLEY APARTMENT COMPLEX/CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OBI-WAN & SIRI’S APARTMENT – DAY

Stepping out of the turbolift, Siri makes her way to her apartment door. Unlocking it, she opens it and takes a step inside.

INT. 662 GASGAR VALLEY APARTMENT COMPLEX/OBI-WAN & SIRI’S APARTMENT/ENTRANCE HALL – DAY

As soon as she closes the door and moves to turn the lights on, Siri freezes, suddenly apprehensive for an unknown but all too palpable reason. Reaching for her lightsaber, she pulls it from her belt.

Suddenly, out from the darkness before her, comes a large metal net. Hitting Siri, the net forces her back against the door, holding her there as a stun charge begins to course through the mesh. Gritting her teeth against the pain, she triggers her lightsaber; with a SNAP-HISS, the brilliant yellow blade of her lightsaber springs to life, burning through the mesh of the net and disrupting the charge.

As the Jedi slices through the net, freeing herself, her assailants step out of the darkness, revealing themselves to be Llomon and Mahttoh; dressed head-to-toe in identical suits of brown body armour, they wield a vibroaxe and vibrosword, respectively.

With a growl, Mahttoh springs forward, swinging his blade at Siri’s exposed neck. Ducking, the Jedi somersaults, bringing her legs up to kick the Wookiee directly in the face. Grunting as broken teeth fly, he stumbles backward, tripping over himself and hitting the floor.

Springing back to her feet, Siri turns on Llomon. Grinning, he brings up the blade of his vibroaxe as she brings down her lightsaber; the vibrating axe-head, forged from phrik alloy, easily blocks the yellow plasma blade.

Coming back into the fray, Mahttoh brings his lanvarok into alignment and fires off a razor-edged disc. The disc grazes Siri’s leg, distracting her long enough for the Trandoshan to backhand her, sending the Jedi Knight reeling. She recollects herself just in time to parry the Wookiee’s vibrosword, which is also crafted from lightsaber-resistant phrik alloy. Llomon charges, swinging his vibroaxe, but Siri leaps up, evading the deadly blade. Somersaulting over Mahttoh’s head, she stabs backward with her lightsaber, hoping to skewer the Wookiee on the blade. As the plasma blade makes contact with his cortosis armour, however, it shorts out, rendering it inactive. Grinning, Mahttoh unsheathes the claws of his right hand and racks them against Siri’s sword arm; crying out in agony, she drops her disabled weapon.

Clutching her bleeding arm, Siri staggers back, putting as much distance between her and the two bounty hunters as she can. Dauntless, the pair of hunters advance.

SIRI: (grimacing) Who are you?

LLOMON: Who we are isn’t important. What we want is the question you should be asking.

SIRI: What do you want then?!

Moving in close to Siri, Llomon brings the blade of his vibroaxe up to her throat until they’re almost touching.

LLOMON: Kenobi.

SIRI: He’s been called back to the front lines. He won’t return home in months.

LLOMON: That’s too bad – for you.

Taking his axe away from her her throat, Llomon swings it on a downward arc to cleave her in twain. Bringing up her hands, Siri manages to seize hold of the weapon’s shaft before it can connect. Gritting her teeth, she wrestles with the Trandoshan for control of the blade. Bringing up his lanvarok, Mahttoh prepares to fire off another razor disc, this time to finish the Jedi off.

At that very moment, the front door opens and Mace Windu, lightsaber in hand with blue blade engaged, steps inside. Surprised, the two non-Humans freeze momentarily, stopping to evaluate this new arrival.

MACE WINDU: I’m sorry – did I break your concentration?

Taking his lanvarok off Siri, Mahttoh trains it on Windu, firing off a volley of discs. With a flurry of movement, the Jedi master intercepts each and every disc, slicing them apart with his blue blade as he advances on the Wookiee. Lowering his lanvarok, Mahttoh hefts up his sword.

As the Jedi master and Wookiee bounty hunter cross blades, Siri sends her heel down on one of the Trandoshan’s feet. Unleashing a ROAR of agony, he loses hold of the vibroaxe. Exploiting her newfound advantage, she brings the shaft of the axe up into Llomon’s chin, snapping his head back and throwing him off balance. Hitting the floor, the Trandoshan seizes Siri’s fallen lightsaber, engaging the blade of yellow plasma just in time to block Siri’s blow as she brings the vibroaxe down on his face.

SIRI: (to Windu) Watch out for the armour!

Bringing his lightsaber around in a downward arc, Windu tries slicing through the Wookiee’s wrists. Upon making contact with one of the cortosis gauntlets, however, the blade winks out.

MACE WINDU: (staring at the inactive hilt) Point taken.

Windu ducks as Mahttoh goes for his face with his claws, following it through with a roundhouse kick to the Wookiee’s armoured chest. Thrown backward, Mahttoh hits the living area picture window, shattering it with a resounding CRASH. Falling through, Mahttoh releases a bloodcurdling HOWL as he takes a long plummet to the ground far below.

LLOMON: (horrifed) Mahttoh!

Distracted, Llomon falls to intercept Siri as she brings the vibroaxe down on the unarmoured joint of his right arm, slicing clean through the flesh and bone. He clutches the gaping wound with a SHRIEK, desperately squeezing to staunch the flow of blood. Now standing defenseless before the Jedi Knights, the Trandoshan’s only route of escape lies through the broken picture window.

MACE WINDU: (re-engages his lightsaber) You have lost. Stand down.

LLOMON: (spits on the Jedi) Chaos take me first.

Turning on his left, Llomon bolts for the broken window. Before the Jedi can stop him, he leaps through, unholstering a grappling gun and shooting off a line as he disappears from view.

Deactivating and discarding the vibroaxe, Siri retrieves her lightsaber from the Trandoshan’s severed arm as she joins Windu by the shattered window.

MACE WINDU: Who were they?

SIRI: Haven’t a clue. They came for Ben; I’ve no idea why. (beat) I’m just lucky you happened to be in the neighbourhood. I thought you and Mistress Gallia were taking ‘Chi out for ice cream.

Reaching into his tunic, Windu pulls out a slim synth-leather object.

MACE WINDU: You left your wallet behind.

The inconsistant properties of cortosis always rubbed me the wrong way. Some writers depicted it as a brittle material which causes lightsabers to short out, others as a super-durable material which can block lightsaber blades. Just pick one and stick to it, sumbitches!

“Panakacakes” should have been an actual thing. A pre-packaged breakfast food shaped like Hugh Quarshie’s face would have definitely parted this fool from his money.

^Truly the “Dewey Beats Truman” of our time. 😉

I’ve been meaning to say this for months now, but other random thoughts have been distracting me.

Sheena Easton’s a far better actress than she is a singer.

There – it’s finally out of my system.