DuracellEnergizer

suspiciouscoffee said:

Star Wars and the concept of a multiverse never sat well with me. The multiverse is something good in Trek, and superhero comics, and various other franchises, but for whatever reason I don’t like it in Wars.

You are now dead to me in every possible world.

darthrush said:

LuckyGungan2001 said:

I just finished reading the Splinter of the Mind’s Eye comic adaptation, and while it was okay, I hated how not only does it establish that Luke had actually fought Vader prior to The Empire Strikes Back, but that he was able to best him in combat? What!? How come he is better at fighting before getting Force training? Why do Luke and Vader never refer to this occurance in Empire? Also, why doesn’t Luke use the Kaiburr crystal or ask Halla for help in The Empire Strikes Back? It really messes with the continuity.

Splinter of the minds eye hands down is my most hated piece of EU. As a kid when I read about it in the pre-Disney ultimate visual guide, which detailed the events of the book. And I was soooo confused as a kid. It just messes with so much continuity! That hands down is one of the best pieces of EU that I love was made non-canonical.

Since SOTME was never written with TESB in mind, it’s ass-backward to hate it for conflicting with TESB. Hate the EU idiots who decided to canonize the book after the fact, not the book itself.

NeverarGreat said:

Frinkenverter

So many questions with this one.

Prof. Frink in drag is the only answer you’ll ever need.

Urge to post Zelda picture … rising.

EXT. JEDI TEMPLE — SUNSET

Coruscant’s distant sun is setting behind the spires of the Jedi Temple of the Order of Coruscant.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE/TURBOLIFT — SUNSET

Within a turbolift ride two figures, one clad in the uniform of a Coruscanti Jedi knight, the other in the uniform of a Coruscanti Jedi apprentice: SIRI TACHI and UZOCHI WINDU-GALLIA. Save for a short hairstyle she now wears, Siri hasn’t changed much in the interim since we saw her last. Uzochi, on the other hand, is now a twenty-year-old beanpole of a man — a far cry from the small, cherubic four-year-old we knew him as.

Running his hands through his hair — which is cropped short save the single thin apprentice’s braid he wears on the right side of his head — Uzochi then smooths out the front of his gray tunic.

SIRI: You’re on edge.

UZOCHI: (shakes head) Not at all.

SIRI: I haven’t seen you this tense since … since that first day as your caretaker.

UZOCHI: (chuckles nervously) I don’t even remember that.

SIRI: You’re sweating. Relax. Take a deep breath.

UZOCHI: I’ve been anticipating this day for ten years, Siri.

SIRI: You can stand to anticipate it another ten minutes, 'Chi.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE/CORRIDOR OUTSIDE COUNCIL CHAMBERS — SUNSET

Emerging from the turbolift, the two Jedi walk up to the double doors leading into the council chambers. At their approach, the doors slide open, yawning darkness waiting beyond. Exchanging silent glances with Siri, Uzochi steps inside.

INT. JEDI TEMPLE/COUNCIL CHAMBERS — SUNSET

'Chi makes his way to the centre of the pitch black room. Once his footfalls cease, twelve lightsabers spring to life in a unified SNAP-HISS around him, forming a perfect circle of varicoloured light. Surrounding the Jedi apprentice are the TWELVE MEMBERS OF THE CORUSCANTI JEDI COUNCIL: Master Windu; Mistress Gallia; Master Kit Fisto; Mistress Shaak Ti; Master Agen Kolar; Master Ki-Adi-Mundi; Master Cin Drallig; Master Plo Koon; Master Saesee Tiin; Master Coleman Kcaj; Master Ben Expy; and Mistress Ani Expy. All their lightsabers shine blue, green, or yellow save for Windu’s, which resonates with a violet radiance.

MACE WINDU: Step forward, apprentice.

Uzochi approaches his father, getting down on one knee before him. As Windu raises his saber, the other masters lower theirs.

MACE WINDU: (lays blade on Uzochi’s shoulders) Uzochi Windu-Gallia, by the right of the council, by the will of the Force, I dub thee Jedi …

Raising his weapon’s power setting, Windu cuts the braid from his son’s head. It lands on the floor, severed end smouldering.

MACE WINDU: (cont’d) Knight of the Empire.

The ceremony completed, Uzochi rises to his full height, now a true Jedi Knight.

EXT. JEDI TEMPLE/CORRIDOR OUTSIDE COUNCIL CHAMBERS — SUNSET

Siri is waiting there patiently when 'Chi emerges from the council chambers.

UZOCHI: (beams) I’m a knight!

Bursting with excitement, Uzochi seizes Siri in a tight hug.

UZOCHI: I only wish Darth could’ve been here.

SIRI: (smile falters) That would’ve been nice.

INT. OUTLANDER CLUB — SUNSET

Within the Outlander Club sits DARTH VADER. Like his friend Uzochi, Darth has undergone dynamic physical changes over the last couple decades. A tall man, broad-shouldered, buff, he is also quite handsome, with a strong jawline, full lips, and piercing blue eyes. Currently dressed in a heavily wrinkled version of Chi’s Jedi uniform, he sits hunched over a glass of some blue liquor, ogling the female strippers who gyrate and undulate atop the table before him.

Darth’s attention has focused on one stripper in particular — a Theelin stripper with mottled lavender skin and auburn hair. As she takes notice of his gaze, she gets down on her belly and crawls to him.

THEELIN STRIPPER: Haven’t seen you before.

DARTH: (drunk) You remember every face that comes in here?

Sitting up, she draws the zipper of her electric crimson catsuit down.

THEELIN STRIPPER: Not too many Jedi come in here.

Looking down, Darth finally seems to realize what he’s wearing.

DARTH: Name’s Darth.

THEELIN STRIPPER: Zema.

DARTH: 'Chi — my friend, 'Chi — he’s being knighted today.

Pulling the front of her catsuit open, Zema unveils her ample bosom — the nipples of which are hidden behind rose-coloured pasties.

ZEMA (THEELIN STRIPPER): Where’s he?

DARTH: 'Chi doesn’t drink — and he’s not much interested in women — so I’m here celebrating for him.

ZEMA: His loss.

Lying on her back, Zema lifts her legs up into the air. Pushing the catsuit down, she uncovers her firm buttocks and the rose thong which does little to conceal it from the universe.

DARTH: (eyes bulging) I’ll say.

Tossing the catsuit away, Zema gets up on her knees. Balancing her breasts on one forearm, she starts peeling her pasties off.

ZEMA: I thought you’re not allowed to show interest in us non-Jedi.

DARTH: No one said I couldn’t look.

Taking her breasts in both hands, Zema wiggles them around in front of Darth’s slack face.

ZEMA: (grins) Like what you see?

DARTH: Uh-huh.

ZEMA: Fifteen credits and you can touch them.

Darth shakes his head to clear the booze from his mind.

DARTH: Let me take you home.

ZEMA: (laughs) Sorry, babe, but my services don’t extend that far — no matter how many credits you got.

DARTH: (firm) Let me take you home.

Zema loses her smile, falling under a trance.

ZEMA: Take me home.

Zema steps down from the table. Throwing an arm around Zema, he guides her to the exit.

INT. DARTH’S FLAT COMPLEX/CORRIDOR OUTSIDE DARTH’S FLAT — DAY

The next day, Siri — now attired in casual civilian garb — comes to Darth’s flat. Standing outside the door, she rings the doorbell.

INT. DARTH’S FLAT/ENTRANCE HALL — DAY

Hearing the doorbell, Zema, rubbing her sore backside, goes to open the door. Siri looks upon the Theelin woman dressed only in Darth’s Jedi tunic.

SIRI: (nonplussed) I’m here to see Darth.

ZEMA: Come in.

INT. DARTH’S FLAT/DINING AREA — AREA

Zema guides Siri into the dining area. Darth is seated at the dining table, hunched over a mug of caf, nursing a hangover.

ZEMA: We’re having caf. Care for some?

SIRI: Thank you, no.

Siri sits down at the table with Darth.

ZEMA: Darth, babe? I’m gonna take a shower. I’ll leave you and your girlfriend to talk or … whatever.

SIRI: I’m not his —

But Zema has already left the room.

SIRI: (cont’d) girlfriend. (sighs)

DARTH: (sips from mug) What do you want, Siri?

SIRI: You missed Uzochi’s knighting ceremony.

DARTH: I didn’t miss it. I celebrated it in my own way.

SIRI: Translation: You spent the most momentous night of your best friend’s life boozing and whoring your way about town.

DARTH: Zema’s not a whore, alright? (beat) She’s a stripper.

SIRI: A fine difference.

DARTH: Look, if you’re here to berate me over my irresponsible behaviour, don’t. I’ve learned my lesson; this raging hangover’s taught it to me.

SIRI: This isn’t the first time I’ve found you getting over a drunken stupor, Darth, or in a drunken stupor or in the company of strange women. You spend less time with me learning the Jedi arts than you do with the beer barons of Uscru District learning theirs.

DARTH: (irate) It’s all about the Jedi with you, isn’t it? Jedi, Jedi, Jedi. It’s all you’ve ever cared a damn about when it came to me. I was never a son to you — just a kriffing student to teach.

SIRI: That’s not so.

DARTH: Course it is. Soon as you and Obi adopted me, you wasted no time squeezing me into that stupid uniform and making me learn the Force.

SIRI: We didn’t make you. We offered you the choice and you took it.

DARTH: Of course I took it! I was a nine-year-old kid! What nine-year-old doesn’t want to be a Jedi Knight? Thing was I grew out of it, but you — you wouldn’t let me. Couldn’t be a regular teenager, couldn’t have normal interests — especially after the divorce. You only pushed me harder with Obi-Wan out of the picture. (beat) Well, I’m pushing back. I’m gonna keep pushing until I’ve pushed my way out.

SIRI: So you don’t want to complete your training. You want out of the order.

DARTH: Looks like it, doesn’t it?

SIRI: Then you won’t mind when you’re cut off.

DARTH: Cut off?

SIRI: (nods) As my apprentice, you receive an ample benefit — the one you’ve been using to fuel your hedonistic lifestyle. If our relationship is terminated, so is any income you receive from the order. Gone are your nights spent at the strip clubs and cantinas — unless you can find a job to pay for them.

DARTH: You’d do it, wouldn’t you? Take away my childhood and as the coup de grâce cut my legs out from under me.

SIRI: If you want to live your life free of the order, you take everything that comes with that decision — drawbacks included.

DARTH: (angry) Get out.

Rising from her chair, Siri starts out of the room. Stopping in the doorway, she turns back to Darth.

SIRI: Darth, I don’t even care if you want to leave the order. I just don’t want to see you become … whatever you’re becoming.

With those words spoken, she leaves.

A couple minutes later, Zema re-enters the dining area. Freshly showered, hair brushed, she now wears a shirt and pants taken from Darth’s dresser.

ZEMA: Your girlfriend’s gone?

Darth, too immersed in his own thoughts, doesn’t answer.

ZEMA: Look, I’ve got to head to the club. I left early, didn’t punch out; I’ve got to talk to the boss unless I wanna lose my job. Probably gonna lose my head, anyway. (beat) Listen, I left my number on your bedside table. Give me a ring anytime; I’d love to hook up again. (winks) You’re sure kinky for a Jedi.

DARTH: She’s not my —

But Zema has already left the flat.

DARTH: (cont’d) girlfriend.

Tyrphanax said:

I’m worried more about the colars.

Lair.

TV’s Frink said:

Tyrphanax said:

I’ll know it when I see it.

I’ve been watching a lot of pornography lately just to verify that I have seen it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bO3hEk9a-Vg

Spuffure said:

Tell me what your scariest childhood memory was. If you put pictures, I’ll report it.

Aw. But I wanna post pictures of Zelda from Pet Sematary.

Big Papa Palpy

I can live with Death Wish: The Year.

suspiciouscoffee said:

No no, just a picture of Lucas’ face. Specifically, on his right shoulder (Rick McCallum’s on the left).

Do the faces kiss if the person bends their arms back?

By way of Lucas, Hayden has ruined Vader, which is why I don’t bother reading Vader-centric EU anymore.

Swazzy said:

New people are overrated.

That’s what the Ptolemaic dynasty said.

Dead it is, then.

Spuffy wants not to receive, yet he keeps on giving. He understands the spirit of Bizarro Christmas not at all.

suspiciouscoffee said:

I don’t believe you, it’s another trick!

I’ll take that royalty payment in cash, thank you.

I love Tori Amos. She and Kate Bush are my two top favourite eccentric female musicians.

EXT. SPACE — VJUN

The seventeen Sith starships come to Vjun.

Aquamarine-and-white in colour, Vjun is a predominantly aquatic world, with about 82% of the surface covered in water. Only two modest continents surrounded by archipelagos rise up from the ocean floor, the western continent the larger of the pair.

EXT. VJUN — BAST CASTLE — DAY

Breaking through the thick cloud cover, the Sith vessels head for Bast Castle. Built on a waterfall, a river running through it, Bast Castle is composed of gray-green granite, with a squat base which gives rise to a tall tower which tapers off at two spires at the top, granting the castle a resemblance to an oversized tuning fork. This is the home base of the Resurrected Brotherhood of the Sith.

EXT. BAST CASTLE — LANDING PLATFORM — DAY

The ships touch down on a landing platform linked to the castle by a short stone causeway. As Anakin, his three acolytes, and the commandos climb out of their ships, they find NEARLY TWO-DOZEN MEMBERS OF THE BROTHERHOOD standing out in the pouring rain in wait for them.

Breaking away from the other twenty-three, DAHLIA KARIN approaches Anakin. Adorned in thigh-high black boots, black leggings, a black crop top, and a black evening glove up her one arm, the sensuous Pantoran woman also wears her long, dark hair up in a French twist.

DAHLIA: Lord Skywalker, your campaign was successful?

ANAKIN: (sweeps out arm) See for yourself, Dahlia.

Following Anakin’s arm, Dahlia watches as the Sith commandos unload the stasis casket from the Slipstream.

DAHLIA: (smiles) This artifact will be granted a special place of honour in our reliquary.

ANAKIN: The casket, yes. The body will receive an honourable burial, along with the armour it wears.

DAHLIA: (frowns) Master?

ANAKIN: The Gray Knights are correct in their assessment of the armour, loath as I am to admit it. Our acolytes may lack the discipline to resist its lure; should one of us succumb, the cost could be catastrophic. No. We will place the armour beyond mortal reach.

DAHLIA: Then why steal the armour from the Taravedran Knights if they’ve successfully contained it these thousands of years?

ANAKIN: I’ll give you the same answer I gave them: They have no claim to it.

INT. BAST CASTLE/SUNROOM — DAY

Having dispensed with his cloak, tabard, and gloves, Anakin enters the sunroom. Though the room isn’t exceedingly wide, it does sport a very high ceiling, allowing the south wall to accommodate a series of slit windows which let in an abundance of natural outdoor light.

Close to the windows, NASHIRA SKYWALKER reclines in a chaise longue. Clad in an off-shoulder dress of carmine velvet which shows off her shapely legs, wearing her long red hair back in a braid, her attention is focused on the screen of a datapad she is reading. She doesn’t seem to be aware of Anakin’s presence behind her.

ANAKIN: Nashira.

Hearing his voice, she finally turns to look upon him.

ANAKIN: (cont’d) I’m home.

NASHIRA: (turns off datapad) Don’t let me get up on your account.

ANAKIN: (grins) I wouldn’t think of it.

Crossing in front of the chaise longue, the Dark Lord of the Sith sits down on the end of it. Setting down her datapad, 'Shira sits up. Husband and wife kiss then hug, happy to be in close company after so long a time spent apart.

EXT. SPACE — ALDERAAN

Emerging from hyperspace, the Dreadnought-class battle cruiser Knight Errant cruises toward the beautiful blue orb that is Alderaan.

INT. KNIGHT ERRANT/BRIDGE

Obi-Wan stands on the bridge, arms held behind him, gazing at the planet through the bridge viewport.

EXT. ALDERAAN — ALDERA — DAY

Unlike Coruscant, where the natural landscape has been wholly supplanted by a global cityscape, Alderaan is a place where technology and nature co-exist in a harmonious balance. Built along the coast of a large sparkling lake, the white marble towers and polished chromium platforms of Alderaan’s capital rise high enough almost to touch the brilliant yellow sun in the clear azure sky. With elevated lanes connecting the towers and platforms, the ground below is allowed to escape urban development; large parks and walking trails exist where paved streets would lie on many other developed worlds.

INT. TAXI/PASSENGER CAB — DAY

The Jedi Knight sits in the back of a taxi airspeeder, leaving the city.

EXT. OBI-WAN’S COTTAGE — DAY

The taxi pulls up to a cottage. Built close to the lakefront, there is naught but crystal clear water, white sand, and long wild grass surrounding it.

Climbing out of the taxi, Obi-Wan pays the driver.

INT. OBI-WAN’S COTTAGE/LIVING AREA — DAY

Opening the front door, Obi-Wan steps inside. A small dwelling, the cottage only houses four rooms: the living area; a kitchen; a bed chamber; and a refresher unit. For Obi-Wan, who lives alone, this space is sufficient.

Closing the door, Obi-Wan walks up to the fireplace mantel. Atop the mantel rest two decorations: the hilt of Anakin’s former lightsaber, retired from active duty since the wayward apprentice’s departure, and a holograph of himself with his wife SIRI TACHI and eleven-year-old son DARTH VADER. Picking up the holograph, Obi-Wan examines it. All three figures are looking at the unseen holographer, bright smiles on their faces. Returning the hologram to its place, Obi-Wan takes a seat at a small round table. Setting his chin down on his closed fist, he stares ahead at nothing.

Obi-Wan Kenobi — Jedi Knight; veteran of the Third Clone War; decorated war hero; former sergeant in the Imperial Army and present General of the Alderaanian Fleet — leads a sad and lonely existence.

EXT. CORUSCANT — SENATE BUILDING — DAY

The large mushroom-shaped Senate Building stands dark against the electric blue sky of Coruscant.

INT. CORUSCANT — SENATE BUILDING/JEDI COUNCIL BOX — DAY

JEDI MISTRESS ADI GALLIA, member of the Jedi council of the Order of Coruscant, enters the private box reserved for council members. Sitting down with her husband, GRAND MASTER MACE WINDU, she joins him in observing the proceedings currently underway in the Convocation Chamber beyond.

INT. SENATE BUILDING/GRAND CONVOCATION BUILDING — DAY

Atop the tall podium situated in the centre of the chamber stands DANTIUS PALPATINE with his vice chair and aide, MAS AMEDDA and SLY MOORE. A Human male in his early thirties, Palpatine appears at least five years younger than his age. Clad in a crimson robe, he is regally handsome, with slicked-back platinum blond hair, high cheekbones, and clear, blue eyes. Amedda and Moore are Twi’lek and Umbaran, respectively.

A large hologram comes to life over the trio’s heads. It is a full-colour projection of EMPEROR SON HHAT’S FACE. Hhat, the successor to the Imperial throne following the untimely death of Cos Dashit some years back, has a large round face and beady eyes. Clad in a hood of gold shimmersilk, we can instinctively tell his pomposity exceeds his competence.

MAS AMEDDA: His Imperial Majesty Emperor Son Hhat!

The amassed senators declare in one voice “Hail the emperor!”

SON HHAT: In light of the suspicions of corruption circling this body, I have appointed Senator Dantius Palpatine of Nabu your new supreme chancellor. When he speaks, take heart that he speaks for me.

The emperor, having spoke his piece, allows the supreme chancellor to speak his.

DANTIUS PALPATINE: It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. Beyond representing my home planet, I have no ambitions. But the fact that this crisis is demanding I be given control over the Senate is evident. (beat) I make my solemn promise to you as supreme chancellor: Those elements responsible for compromising the integrity of this once-august body will be found; they will be revealed for the treacherous serpents they are; they will be delivered unto justice for their crimes.

A CHORUS OF APPLAUSE rings out. How many of the senators are genuinely applauding as opposed to masking their true sentiments remains to be uncovered.

INT. CORUSCANT — SENATE BUILDING/JEDI COUNCIL BOX — DAY

MACE WINDU: (smiles) It is done, then.

INT. SENATE BUILDING/HALLWAY — DAY

Windu and Gallia cross paths with Palpatine and his retinue of BLUE-GARBED SENATE GUARDS.

MACE WINDU: Congratulations on your appointment, Chancellor Palpatine.

DANTIUS PALPATINE: Your congratulations are appreciated, Master Windu. (beat) The job ahead of me is a great one indeed. It will not be easy purging the Senate of corruption.

MACE WINDU: You will see the task through to completion, Chancellor. I’m certain of that.

DANTIUS PALPATINE: I must admit your faith in my capabilities is greater than my own, Master Jedi.

MACE WINDU: If you are ever in need of aid, the Order of Coruscant will be there to provide it.

DANTIUS PALPATINE: (smiles) I’ll be sure to remember that. Thank you, Master Jedi.

The chancellor and Jedi continue on their respective ways. Gallia gives Windu a strange look. He notices.

MACE WINDU: What?

ADI GALLIA: Your pledge to the chancellor. Wasn’t it a bit …

MACE WINDU: What?

ADI GALLIA: (cont’d) A bit bold?

MACE WINDU: How so?

ADI GALLIA: The order submits to the will of the people through the Senate. One man isn’t the Senate, Mace.

MACE WINDU: So long as there remain senators with ties to Black Sun, the Hutt Cartel, any illicit enterprise, I will consider that one man the Senate.

Sounds reasonable.

MalàStrana said:

Soundtrack ranking is very close to my movie ranking (in my updated movie ranking I would switch TFA and AOTC, in order to put the Disney “body snatchers” terrible fanservice movies at the very end, where they belong)

Sounds reasonable.

You sly motherducker.

I don’t see the appeal of Shattered Empire. A series of disjointed, haphazardly executed vignettes do not in my opinion a good miniseries make.

Darth Solo said:

DuracellEnergizer said:

I like (natural) redheads.

I like red, period. My favourite shade is electric crimson.

Personly I don’t trust anything that bleeds for 7 days, and doesn’t die.

You’re doing it wrong. 😛