A bit later than I hoped, but here's my "Dark Force Rising" list, part one:
- Title Page: The "R" in "rising" needs to be capitalized, as it's a title (same on the next page)
- Same "Five years after the Battle of Endor" thing as in HTTE on the next page
- Opening crawl: The last paragraph feels clunky. My suggestion:
Betrayed by smuggler Talon Karrde
and defeated at Sluis Van, GRAND
ADMIRAL THRAWN waits patiently
at the planet Myrkr for Karrde to
make his last mistake.... (<again, four periods instead of three)
- Page 9: "Continue the research!" should be "Continue the search!"
- Page 21: The text box translating the computer's Aurebesh has very small writing. I don't know what can be done about this, really, but as it is it really sucks to try and read.
- Page 33: If Thrawn will be delivering this message to C'Baoth personally, why does he say "Tell Master C'Baoth?" Change it to "I've decided to give the Noghri one last chance. I'll personally deliver C'Baoth that message." Later, Thrawn says "Keep the pressure up" - this feels a little awkward. I say change it to "Keep pressing him."
- Page 34: I think this was in the original, but either way it's an incredibly stupid non sequiter: "You see that moon, my dears? That's Endor - where the Rebel Alliance triumphed over the Empire - and the New Republic began." First, Endor was the gas planet, they were on its forest moon. Second, the line just feels ... unnecessary. Who the hell is she talking to, anyway? Like Chewie and Threepio weren't on Endor's moon? If it's really necessary to establish this, put a text box in the first panel saying "Endor - the forest moon," or something. But I don't even think that's necessary.
I stopped on page 42 for today. This comic is set up and organized extremely poorly, making it a bit of a chore to read, and the adaptation is choppy to say the least. Neither of those things are even remotely your fault - the blame for that lies on Mike Baron, Terry Dodson, Bob Cooper and David Land.