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I think the new dialogue works, though the stormtrooper’s dialogue feels a bit chatty rather than actually discussing security strategy. Also, it might be a little funny (maybe at a time when it shouldn’t be) to have the trooper bring up the damage that Kylo himself caused with his tantrum. The audience would know that and chuckle. I wonder if you could give the trooper a line that feels more like an update on the search for Rey.
“Sir, we’ve redirected all troops to find the prisoner, but this could neglect security elsewhere on the base.”
Then Kylo rationalizes the effort, and it could help explain how Han and Finn were able to sneak around the base with little resistance.
Or something in the middle, like:
“Sir, we’ve reassigned nine squads to search for the prisoner. Is she really that dangerous?”
This feeds into Kylo’s line well, but still hints at this idea that security has been shuffled around a little bit.
I also kind of liked how in the theatrical version, Kylo cuts himself off when he senses Han. Don’t know if it could still work well with the new line. I’m assuming you didn’t do that since it plays into that idea of Kylo redirecting his focus from Rey to Han.