I don't like what Bill down the street believes, and I want to express my feelings. Well, that's easy, you say? Think again! You must know your audience and those who might overhear you. You must memorize the Tome of All Things Politically Correct. You may want to brush up on the supplementary volume Racists! Phrases that Have Nothing to Do with Racism but Can Be Twisted to Imply Racism as well. You must remember what year you're in, as there are fashionable and unfashionable times to slam and slander someone's faith. But since this is a lot of reading and research, I will summarize some basic rules that will allow you to feel superior to your fellowman without media bulldogs being called on you.
1) This rule you must never forget: Muslims are better than everyone else! You must never, never, ever say anything disparaging towards Muslims, as it is sheer coincidence that so many terrorist plots have been done in the name of Islam. 99.979302% (+ or - .000001 certainty) of Muslims on this earth want nothing but peace, love, rainbows, and would vote for gay marriage, abortion, and liberal politicians every time.
2) In spite of the above statement so strongly stated, there is an exception to the rule: If you are addressing a small, like-minded audience with no media presence, no snitches, and preferably far right evangelical Christians or Michael Savage listeners, then you can make whatever blanket statements you like about every living Muslim on the earth, and assure everyone listening that all Muslims are out to destroy the U.S. and your neighbor three doors down has plans to take over your neighborhood association and build a mosque in your front lawn.
3) Speaking of evangelical Christians: These are hypocrites, ignoramuses, and bigots and legislation is already in the works to include these people in dictionaries and thesauri under the above mentioned terms. These people are the roots of hate, savagery, and evil in this country, and no hesitation should ever be made in labeling them as such. The more they are stigmatized, the sooner they'll give up their stubborn ways and join in PRIDE marches in San Francisco.
4) Once again, despite strong wording to the contrary, there is an exception to the above rule: If the evangelical Christian church in question is a black church, then all members are extremely intelligent, thoughtful, fun-loving, and accepting of people of all races.
5) Catholics are an interesting case: If Whoopi Goldberg leads the choir program, then Catholics are okay. If we're talking about Catholics who go to church on Easter and Christmas, then you might actually have to rely on a case by case basis, though we are of course seeking to avoid such dreadful shortcuts with these rules. If they are regular attendees at mass, then beware, these are little better than the Evangelicals.
6) Jews are always good! Always! No exceptions! Oh, except when they are Israeli Jews, in which case their goodness is trumped by the "betterness" of the Palestinian Muslims that are tread upon by these vile, land-stealing usurpers. There is not a good Israeli among them. Remember this distinction: all Jews are good, but all Israelis are bad. As long as you keep it in this context, no one will notice any discrepencies.
7) Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Christadelphians, and other related groups are free for criticism from many angles because they are just plain weird. If you happen to be a mainstream Christian, put them in your catalogue of cults. If you are a non-Christian believer, such as Jewish or Muslim, then you may want to lump them with other other Christians, and call them as you see fit (antisemites, Crusaders, imperialists, whatever you like). If you are not a believer in any religion, then just judge them all as among the hypocrites and the crazies. Bear in mind, though these faiths represent a minority belief system, they do not represent a minority race, which permits this kind of slander. And on that topic, let's look at our next rule...
8) As a general rule, if a religion is frequently associated with a race (i.e. Buddhism to Asians, Hinduism to Indians, tribal religions to whatever race of tribes [even the violent ones], and the aforementioned Muslims and Black Evangelicals), then you cannot say anything about them. They are good. They are great! They lead to the betterment of mankind, no questions asked. You cannot tread on their untainted system, whether it simply involves respectfully burying their dead or eating the flesh of other humans.
9) If you are an atheist, agnostic, or other semantically nuanced non-believer: rule 8 only applies when used with specific religions. You can simply state that all religions are throwbacks to humanity's primitive superstitions and needs for comforting Higher Power, and that they have led to every heinous act committed on this planet. But do not delve into any specific religions under the above named rules, else you automatically are cast as a racist.
10) An extension of the above rule allows for greater freedom among atheist critics: When dealing with a Christian person who murdered in the name of their God, no matter how much other members of that faith try to disassociate themselves from that member, no matter how mentally unstable the perpetrator may prove to be, no matter how out of line his/her actions are with the beliefs of the general membership, make sure you tie the assailant's actions to the faith he/she claims to hold. Never forget, your superior intellect allows you to make these judgments in all fairness.
11) If you are a religious person, and you learn that an atheist individual, group, or state has committed crimes against humanity, you cannot in your wildest dreams associate their crime with their non-belief. Remember, they don't believe in any deity. So no matter how their non-belief has shaped their views of the universe, whether it be animal rights, plant rights, the rights of microbes, the rights of dirt, communism, fascism (remember, religion was merely a political tool for fascist leaders), believers that all religions are evil and must be eliminated, those who seek entropy, etc., you cannot ever tie those views to their lack of belief in a divine being. Atheists are a poor, downtrodden group who are not generally trusted in the U.S. It's not like they hold power or influence or anything. If you criticize anyone for not believing in God, then you are an intolerant imbecile.
12) Bear in mind that it's only 2011. In ten years, these rules will have changed, and you may have a greater playing field. You may be able to condemn any faith you like. But beware, as you may find yourself more and more restricted to white, conservative Christian males. You shape the future of what is okay to say and what is "hateful," so get out there and make a difference!
I hope this guide has proved helpful. It sure makes it easier to know when, how, and whom you can insult without receiving a death warrant from some ecclesiastical leader or the PC Police. Suggestions for future publications may be submitted in this thread.
