Vultural

The Blue Carbuncle - 1984 - 8/10

“It’s a bonny thing,” said he. “Just see how it glints and sparkles. Of course it is a nucleus and focus of crime. Every good stone is. They are the devil’s pet baits. In the larger and older jewels every facet may stand for a bloody deed … ”
Holiday chestnut from Arthur Conan Doyle. Sinister jewel is stolen, promptly found and identified by Sherlock Holmes.
That is early in the plot, however, as Holmes and Watson proceed to backtrack the trail of the stone, unearthing the truth behind the theft.
The Victorian Christmas remains constant throughout. Bracing cold, wandering carolers, the goose.
Wonderful production values and a sense of humor fill the show.
Jeremy Brett, in this, the initial series, brims with intensity as Holmes.

The Unthanks: A Very English Winter - 2012 - 7/10

Folksinger sisters Rachel and Rebecca Unthank explore rural festivals in bleak winter.
They begin on All Souls Night (Halloween) and end on 21 February with a pancake race.
For those sick of it, Christmas is barely mentioned.
This focuses on darker traditions such as ritual combats, door to door begging, bonfires and explosions.
As one said, “The battle between good and evil, played out in the bitter cold.”

Interesting throughout. Everyone seems cheerful and helpful, but I couldn’t help wondering how perfect such nights would be to commit and conceal a murder or two.
Subtitles might be helpful, the girls have pronounced Northumberland accents.

Back In Time For Christmas - 2015 - 7/10

Two part show lets nuclear family celebrate Christmas’ past.
40’s - 50’s - 60’s - 70’s - 80’s - 90’s
Decorations and presents climb from wartime austerity to 90’s affluence.
Accent on that word, affluence. Family lives a nice upper middle class lifestyle, no out of work types here.
Participants in this “real life” reenactment are likeable, and seem less cautious or rehearsed than other shows.
The 60’s house was bachelor Lounge to the max. The two sisters wore appropriate hairstyles - nice touch.
Depends on your mood, I suppose. Alternative to films you’ve watched till you’re sick.
Slade overload? Beware of the 70’s.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter - 2016 - 6/10
AKA - February

Moody thriller, set in a Catholic girls school during winter break.
For two girls, parents are late or no-shows, but the cleaning staff will look after them.
Both girls are suffering a crisis, one of flesh, one of faith.
Meanwhile, one set of parents, approaching late at night, pick up female hitchhiker.
Like the two students, she also is deeply troubled.
The rest is atmosphere and underlying tension. Stray details coalesce, but they often slip past quietly.
Viewers who prefer visceral horror, screaming, chopping, jump scares, will find little here.
Fans of subliminal terror will enjoy much more.

The Thing From Another World - 1951 - 7/10

Another wintry alternative.
Polar station housing military and scientists investigate an unexplained crash.
Quickly, they realize the wreckage embedded in the ice is a UFO!
Going by the book, they opt to remove it using explosives.
Yep, the definition of “military intelligence.”
Then one of the soldiers sees the body, which they swiftly ferry back to their base.
What could go wrong?

I had viewed this classic many times, but not for twenty years.
Holds up fairly well, and there were sequences I had totally forgotten (eg: incubators).
I kept spotting modern homages / swipes from this movie.

Kumiko, The Treasure Hunter - 2013 - 7/10

. . . Based on a true story.
So begins this unlikely quest as main character Kumiko obsessively views a worn VHS.
The film is a far-fetched documentary where, at the end, a suitcase stuffed with money is buried under snow near a fence. The criminal marks the spot with a red ice scraper. Then it is forgotten.
The documentary is the movie Fargo, and Kumiko is convinced the money waits still. For her.
At age 29, Kumiko is an over-the-hill office girl.
Her boss wants her gone. Her mother wants her to marry, get pregnant, or move in with her.
Instead, she flies to Minneapolis in the dead of winter and begins trudging north.

The Japanese section moves very slow. Kumiko is a social misfit, almost shunned.
Once in the States, she is also an outsider but is tolerated as a foreigner or turista.
Nevertheless, she is an isolated, driven soul.
And winters in the Dakotas are unforgivable.

Haunting film with unforgettable, stark landscape.
Kumiko’s story, by the way, was “inspired” by the urban legend of Takako Konishi.

Season Of The Witch - 2011 - 7/10
AKA - Timi Nornarinnar

Troublemaker journalist is exiled from Reykjavík to Akureyri, northern Iceland.
He covers a missing dog, gets “man in the street” opinions.
Then starts to investigate the ugly murder of an actor wearing a witch’s robe with runes…
Later, he is asked to dig into an accidental drowning of an ailing woman.
Serbian gangs, an abandoned parrot, Iceland myths and gods, swirl in ever present snow.
Decent four-part mystery told from the newspaperman’s very droll point of view.
Bonus is plenty of rugged outdoor scenery, as well as historical tidbits.

Bittersweet Symphony - 2019 - 5/10

Rising tunesmith lands a job to score a Hollywood film.
She hit some snags, and her agent sends a seasoned professional to mentor her.
The older artist is a California caricature, flighty, over-sharing, effervescent.
The younger version is narcissistic and seemingly blind and deaf to the tragedy at hand.
Amidst this, the family gathers in apparently sunny Wales for “Christmas.”
Most of the characters were contrived and irritating.
The songs, shoegazing and downbeat, sound like Stephin Merritt knockoffs.
Holiday fun? Limited.

Ice Sharks - 2016 - 4/10

Polar outpost, studying global warming, finds itself besieged by thawed out prehistoric Greenland Sharks.
Less campy than most SyFy shark chompers, though viewers can guess who will bite it.
Characters often chat in shorthand jargon, so you don’t always know what they are discussing.
Like you care - - sharks ahoy!
Hey, and why / how did the writers and director forget about pegleg Sammy?

A Christmas Carol - 2018 - 7/10

Superior adaptation of Simon Callow’s acclaimed one-man play.
With minimal sets (this could well be an abandoned, derelict warehouse), and the barest of sound design (occasional muffled voices, horse hooves, clock chimes), the focus is all Callow.
His voice, voices, are magic. Expressions subtle, grotesque, tragic.
Not schmaltzy, either, but a taut delivery of Dickens’ classic.
If you cannot catch the show at the West End, this is as good as being there.

Better Watch Out - 2016 - 6/10

Ah, the home invasion, what could be more Christmassy?
Parents away, intruders shuffle upstairs, but the kids are resourceful.
Sorry. The trailer for this is extraordinarily misleading.
This is a stalking film, and is sadistic at its core.
The premise, a babysitter for a 12 year old? Really?
IMDB lists this as a comedy, and it should be hilarious for misogynists.
Someone was clearly venting their “girlfriend issues.”
The cast is great, though, and Levi Miller is unforgettable.

Kraftidioten - 2014 - 7/10
AKA - In Order Of Disappearance

Ice cold romp of revenge - revenge - more revenge, set in deep freeze Norway.
After the snow plow operator’s son is mistakenly killed, he sets out to kill those responsible.
One by one.
Foes include a pony tailed vegan and a gang of Serbs.
Film laced with the blackest humor, bleak and bitter.
Deserves a wide audience, though lack of teenage heroes or perfumed cleavage will dissuade the 10 watt bulbs.
Note: Remade in 2019, Cold Pursuit, apparently for Americans who cannot read subtitles.

Død Snø 2 - 2014 - 6/10
AKA - Dead Snow 2: Red Vs Dead

Once again, the cursed Nazi zombies sweep through remote Norwegian countryside.
Killing, then converting hapless villagers to increase their numbers.
From the States, the Zombie Squad arrives (three geeks - one with an intense Star Wars obsession).
Gory mayhem, putrid bubblings, steeped with a wicked sense of humor.
Film packed with laugh out loud grossness, and a climactic battle between Nazi zombies and Soviet zombies from the legendary battle of Kursk.
(Not necessarily the best film to watch while eating spaghetti.)

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale - 2010 - 6/10

Ho ho ho.
In Finland, US geologists / archeologists drill into something unexpected in the Korvatunturi mountains.
Animals are later found slaughtered, all the children are kidnapped.
They had accidentally unearthed the original Santa Claus, not the merry Coca Cola version.
The one from the locked histories, the one who devours children.
The grim winter monster with terrible appetites.
Needless to say, a dark film, set at night with difficult characters.
Not as much action or narrative thrust as I would have liked.
Enjoyable, but could have used more voltage.
Note: Most of the dialogue was in Finnish.

Tangerine - 2015 - 7/10

Looking for something different this Christmas?
Not that this is a holiday story, per se, but all events occur on December 24th in sunny Los Angeles.
Tranny Sin Dee has just been released from 30 days in county lockup and she is soon looking to kick ass.
Her boyfriend / pimpster Chester had been two-timng her with a young, blonde fish (natural borned female).
Film turns into a hilarious man … wo-man … fish hunt as Sin Dee, last name - wait for it - Rella starts busting down doors hunting for Chester and that fish girlfriend of his.

There’s a subplot of an Armenian taxi driver, with a taste for trannies, and a stream of skid row riders in back.
Side-splitting, rapid fire dialogue with an eye opening peek into transworld LA.
Geeks - whole thing shot on an iPhone!
Roaring fun, though not for everyone. γνῶθι σεαυτόν

La Bûche - 1999 - 6/10

Days before Christmas, mother’s second husband dies and gets planted.
Her daughters gather, attempt to reorganize the Christmas dinner, and begin arguing.
This is not about the season of good will, but relationships and histories.
γνῶθι σεαυτόν
Holiday lights and decorations aside, most of the sisters have “men problems” be they boyfriends, husbands, lovers, or dear old dad (Ma’s husband #1).
Attractive cast, nicely photographed, but this is possibly more for French film connoisseurs.

Død Snø - 2009 - 6/10
AKA - Dead Snow

Dead teenager flick, though prospective meals are a tad older.
Two carloads of medical students follow a remote mountain road, exit, then hike to a cabin in oblivion.
Inside, they discover stolen Nazi gold.
Resurrected Nazi zombies follow soon enough.
Gorehounds, take heart.
Though outnumbered, the medical types, accustomed to bloody organs, can dish it out.

White Christmas - 2011 - 8/10
AKA - Hwaiteu Keuriseumaseu // 화이트 크리스마스

Marvelous K-drama has nothing to do with Yule, aside from seasonal snow.
Elite high school for gifted or rich students only closes eight days a year for vacation.
Typically, every year a few students remain behind as their parents are “too busy.”
This year, each pupil receives a note accusing them of a despicable crime.
Of which, most appear to be guilty
Who sent the note? Why? And guilty of what?
This does not go the slasher route, though there are echoes of Lord Of The Flies.
Stakes are perilous, future employment, life trajectories, so killings may be expected.
The premise is of monsters. Are they born, or are they created? Nature - nurture.
Intense psychological thriller, with outstanding cinematography and evocative music score.

Kim Woo-Bin, know that you are still remembered.
Know that people still pray for your recovery.
Safe journey, friend.

Joanna Lumley’s Trans-Siberian Adventure - 2016 - 6/10

Several notches above the usual travel documentary.
Actress, model, funny-as-hell, Joanna Lumley travels from Hong Kong to Beijing, into Mongolia, into Siberia, across the steppes finally reaching Moscow.
By rail. Old-fashioned train. During winter, of all seasons.
Of course the scenery is gorgeous, and she is permitted access to homes or palaces denied to most.
The doc does a nice job capturing the boredom, the tedium, the ennui of traveling 6000 miles on a train.
It also showcases surprise tangles or setbacks, common to all travelers, yet rarely shown on documentaries.
Lumley is an increasingly rare “guest,” learning phrases, respectful, willing to sample foreign food or customs.
Those who appreciate these type of shows will enjoy Ms Lumley despite her often whispering narration.

Chris Tarrant Extreme Railways: Xmas Express - 2016 - 6/10

Another wintry alternative.
Tarrant, a grizzled alternative to upbeat, perky sorts (that I want to pitch off a cliff) tackles the Scandinavian rails in winter.
Yeah, better him than me.
OK, if you are into travel flicks, or even history, for that matter.
Mountains of ice and snow, but very little xmas.
Watchable - forgettable.

Kidnapped - 2010 - 4/10
AKA - Secuestrados

Reprehensible home invasion torture porn from Spain.
Three hooded thugs strike the home of a Madrid family.
Expect beatings, rapes, torture, killings, gore.
I would have scored this far, far lower, save for the lively hutong discussion that followed.
Everyone recognized mistake after mistake made by the victims.
An invasion is not a burglary or stickup. Invasion is a death fight - always.
Audience members kept barking to the invaded, especially the father, “Do this! Do this!”
Most unpleasant film. Consider yourself warned.

The Twelve Trees Of Christmas - 2013 - 5/10

I was in the mood for a “different” Christmas film.
Something along the lines of Chupacabra Vs Baby Jesus Vs Salvation Army Santas.
This is out there, I just know it! Or it ought to be.
Whilst I searched for holiday horrors, my bride waltzed in and loaded this winner.

Manhattan library is scheduled to be wrecked for swanky new condos!
Rather than phone Don Trump for advice, plucky librarian decides to save her beloved workplace with a Christmas tree contest!
Oh, and it just happens she lives in the same apartment as the billionaire owner of the library site.
Even better, he is young, handsome, and single. Another Festivus miracle!
Will the library be saved? Will love blossom? Will that little girl take elocution lessons?

Note: I was fairly bruised by the time credits rolled.
Because I kept asking questions and kept getting shoved, punched or kicked in reply.
“Her librarian character is single, thin, and straight? All three?”
“Her apartment is huge! With a view! On a librarian salary! Where can I get one?”
“Wait a minute. Her boss, the head of the library, hooking up with the janitor?”
“Where are all the homeless people? Street people, crazy people, bums?”
“What kids read real books? Those kids don’t have smart phones?”
“Where did contestants buy their trees? They must be 15 feet high, all of ‘em!”
“Look, Casper Van Dien!"
'Casper who?"
“Everyone fights, no one quits,” I said and was ignored.
"Whoa, is that Scary Spice?”
Yes, it was. Christmas treacle from the Lifetime Channel. Caveat emptor.

The Children - 2008 - 6/10

Holiday jollies as Elaine and family visit sister Chloe and her family in the bucolic countryside.
Snow, merriment, laughter, rousing cheer, and the teensiest wedge of rivalry.
Oh, and sadly a few of the kids ill.
Wait a minute, why are the children waving knives?

And before you can ask what rhymes with dead, the snow is blood red.
Wicked “holiday” fare has its moments, but it is a nasty piece of work.
I must have missed 10% of the dialogue because the kids yelled and screamed nonstop in the background, like a bag of cats.
Speaking of cat - oh - let’s not go there.
Some reviews have likened this to The Bad Seed or Village Of The Damned.
For me, the better connection would be Who Can Kill A Child?.

Snowpiercer - 2013 - 4/10

Opening credits reveal planet Earth reeling from global warming.
Desperate nations seed the skies with solar reflective clouds.
Before humans can say, ahhh, surface completely freezes over, life goes extinct.
Except - - for one train! Rolling nonstop, high speed, for seventeen years!
Passengers are all class based, think Elysium on rails.
Our hero is in back of train with sewage steerage. Front sections more luxurious.
Video game plot. In order to advance, hero must overcome obstacles.

Generous amount of action, though film way too long (slightly over 2 hours), with tiresome monologues.
Aimed at what audience? Twelve year old boys?
Though even at that age I would have wondered: How come the train never runs out of fuel, water, food? How come it never breaks down? How come tracks - the world under sheets of ice - never need repair? How do compartments stay warm? Are there showers, soap? Where do folks get (obviously) new clothes?
The train itself, as our hero advances, grows larger and larger.
Utterly preposterous.

Cleanskin - 2012 - 6/10

Sean Bean portrays hardened government op. Charlotte Rampling his boss.
Assignment: track down home grown terrorists (cleanskins), doing suicide bombings in London.
Other narrative tracks the recruitment and enlistment of an angry young man into a terror cell.
Violent fare with a few twists, stalemates.
Well made, albeit uncomfortable, film.