Vultural

Lelíček In Sherlock Holmes’ Service - 1932 - 6/10
AKA - Lelíček ve Službách Sherlocka Holmese

The great detective agrees to find a double for an endangered monarch.
The king of Puerto Rico.
He finds a suitable candidate in Prague, persuades him, and they catch the train to Puerto Rico.
Bear with me.
Turns out the king, an anxious milquetoast, has reasons to be concerned with assassination.
Anarchists are easy to recognize as their garb is a cross between pirate and gypsy and Zorro.
Once the pair reach Puerto Rico, the kingdom is recognized instantly.
This is not the Caribbean, this is Freedonia!

There is no Zeppo, but there are songs in this creaky comic gem from Czechoslovakia.
The double is a handful for Holmes, though the love starved queen knows a thing about scepters.

Note: English subs can be difficult to locate for this. The one set I found had some issues.
I fixed timestamps, clarified dialogue, and a few other tweaks.
My subs = https://subscene.com/subtitles/lelek-ve-slubch-sherlocka-holmese/english/1889245
or - http://www.addic7ed.com/movie/140729

No One Lives - 2012 - 5/10

Another variation on the dead teenager fugue. Sorta.
Yuppie couple driving cross country runs afoul of small town family gangsters.
Thugs have already shown themselves capable of murder.
That time, however, they chose a psychopath as victim.
Reference title. Predictable track - whack - splat.
Nothing especially imaginative or creative about meals.

The Boarding School - 2021 - 6/10
AKA - El Internado: Las Cumbres

Good opening episode, hard charging, if exasperating, final episode.
In between, this series is more padded than a Vegas showgirl’s bustier.
Affluent delinquents endure rigorous discipline inside an exclusive school.
How do I know they are rich? Because that school ain’t cheap.
And delinquents? Adults in charge keep reminding them.
Mystery abounds of a sinister order and ravens, never remotely explained.
Other mysteries are revealed then abandoned. The abrupt ending leaves numerous loose ends.
Students roam the halls nightly. Motions detectors? Security cameras? Nope.
Likewise, any time any character accesses a computer, is that password protected? Ha ha.
This seems targeted toward teens as each episode is padded with 3-4 “sex” (no nudity) scenes.
Producers may have been aiming for more seasons. Good luck there, Barney.
With an ongoing global pandemic, no telling when or if this will ever resume.
The longer the delay, the more our “students” will solidify into twenty year olds.

Sunday Illness - 2018 - 6/10
AKA - La Enfermedad del Domingo

Chiara’s opulent dinner party, attended by an elite, has a stowaway among the temp help.
The older woman recognizes the infiltrator almost at once.
It is the daughter she threw away thirty years earlier.
This is not chance, for the daughter has a request, and no, not financial.
In fact, she is not really that interested in why her mother abandoned her.
A child was inconvenient, Mom wanted a better life and she succeeded gloriously.
I must confess I preferred the earlier, lavish half, despite its shallowness, to the stark realities of the second half.
Beautiful visuals, though the emotional undercurrents are austere to the point of frigidity.

Hunting ASH - 1991 - 5/10
AKA - Skyscraper Hunting // Chôkôsô Hantingu // 摩天大楼狩猎

The 80’s marked the first appearance of the Abnormal Species Human (ASH).
They appear human, except for a pulsating dark extension running down their back - think spinal cord on steroids.
They have telekinetic powers to burn people alive, blow them to smithereens.
Worse (to menfolk in general), the male ASH are irresistible to human females.
Women go gaga over the ASH knobby cob.
Happy ASH males, sharing their love ooze, also spreading DNA. Babies!!

Thank God, there is an special unit of cops chasing down this new danger!
So-so Japanese SciFi has acceptable sfx, cheesy synth score, and the plot cobbles together elements from several other films.
Despite the infrequent inter-species rutting, this is neither lurid nor outrageous enough to tempt trash fans.

Newlyweds - 2011 - 5/10

New York apartment drama from low rent, indie filmmaker, Edward Burns (best known for Brothers McMullen).
Older couple embark on the second marriage. In no time flat, the groom’s younger, toxic sister arrives from Los Angeles for indefinite stay.
Then the bride’s older, toxic sister, suffers imminent divorce. Drama, drama, drama.
There’s also an ex floating about.
Self absorbed characters (though Mr Burns cast himself as the rock of stability), spouting forced, provocative dialogue.
I’ve sat through worse.

A Rather English Marriage - 1998 - 6/10

Squadron leader Conyngham-Jervis and milkman Southgate visit dying wives in the hospital.
Afterward, Social Services suggest the widowers move in together for companionship.
From there, this becomes a study of characters.
While everyone is excellent, Albert Finney is horribly terrific.
His character, who insists on everyone calling him squadron leader, is insufferable.
Vain, pompous, reveling in the bygone days of youth, battles and conquests.
One of the audience members equated him with Mister Toad. Quite apt.

The Eternal Evil Of Asia - 1995 - 6/10
AKA - Nan Yang Shi da Xie Shu // 南洋十大邪術

After Nam’s parents die, he stresses out over trivialities.
Worse, his parents return as ghosts and he slaughters everyone in sight, including himself.
Hey? There is a backstory. Four buddies holiday in Thailand for lusty adventures.
There, they disrespect a sorcerer – with ludicrous consequences – yet wind up being friends.
Until they catch sight of the wizard’s cute sister.
Before you know it, there are curses, enchantments and hexes.
There is also a considerable amount of sex magick (including flying wheelbarrow configuration!).
Wildly gratuitous Cat III horror from Hong Kong.
Find a version with original, embedded subtitles. Hilariously atrocious.

Stranger On The Third Floor - 1940 - 6/10

Early, early Film Noir. Perhaps not quite Noir enough for many, but this was definitely one of the stylized bridges between Expressionism and Film Noir.
Reporter’s testimony convicts a man (young Elisha Cook) of murder.
The reporter’s girlfriend feels he might have been innocent.
The reporter suffers twinges of doubt, especially after he sees Peter Lorre skulking in the shadows.
Brief whodunit B-picture from RKO, with ham handed leads, bolstered by an astounding dream sequence.
I had viewed bits of the dream montage in several documentaries, but never the full showcase.
Terrific use of light, shadows, angles.

Dr. Mabuse Vs. Scotland Yard - 1963 - 5/10
AKA - Scotland Yard Jagt Dr. Mabuse

Hard to get shed of classic villains permanently.
The “spirit” of the criminal mastermind enters the body of a distinguished professor.
In possession of corporeal form, Mabuse rebuilds a gang and plots world domination … again.
He obtains a gizmo that gives him total mind control of all but a select few.
Even poor Klaus Kinski, stalwart Scotland Yard detective, succumbs!
OK enough Krimi is a bit talky at time, and the criminal business often extends too long.
An early Krimi, this one is more serious than spoof in adapting the Edgar Wallace source.

Escape Room - 2019 - 6/10

Six receive the invite. Or perhaps six “solve” the invite, a complicated puzzle cube.
No matter, whether they want to or not, the game soon launches.
Rooms soon transform into Rube Goldberg death traps.
Yes, rooms. Escaping from one does not ensure survival.
Serviceable characters contend with eye-popping set designs.

Romantics Anonymous - 2011 - 6/10
AKA - Les émotifs Anonymes

French fluff. Romantic comedy of painfully shy woman and man who is afraid of females.
They meet at his failing chocolate factory, where she hires on as a salesman.
Unbeknownst to him, she is a master chocolatière in her own right.
Will she step up? Will she save the company? Will the shy pair get together?
Predictable - enjoyable. And a lot of mouth watering chocolate.

Housebound - 2014 - 7/10

Repeat offender (petty crimes, substance abuse, dismal attitude) is given the worse-than-death sentence.
Home arrest with Mom, and Ma’s boyfriend.
Ma is a chatterbox, whether gossiping on the phone, or calling talk radio and over-sharing.
Mother believes the home is haunted, or hosts a supernatural presence.
In the basement, the daughter sees what might fuel Ma’s fevered imagination.
A stash of books by renowned literary master, Gordon Dickson.
And then he hears noises herself, inside the walls.
Fast paced horror/mystery is generously laced with comedy, plot twists and revelations.

Where Eagles Dare - 1968 - 6/10

US general is captured and held prisoner by German command is an inaccessible Alpine fortress.
And he is privy to plans for the second front! D-Day!
British intelligence send a crack team of operatives, commandos, and one US Army Ranger.
Against all odds, they must infiltrate the castle and free the general.
Classic WWII actioner starting to show its age.
It is overlong, confusing by design, and the prepping and action sequences all need a trim.
Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood work well together, and for action fans, there is plenty.

Aside: I hail from a family of film buffs, and I saw this with my father at the drive-in.
As was his wont, he narrated throughout, often to my annoyance, though his comments echo decades later.
"And no one hears that plane in the middle of the night?
"Burton looks half-sauced.
"Cars don’t suddenly explode falling down a cliff.
"He’s in his 40’s, no way he could jump that distance.
"Those guns are notorious for jamming.
To this day, I enjoy this film, somewhat sheepishly, though it suffers bloat.

Parole, Inc. - 1948 - 5/10

From the opening title crawl, we realize select lucky convicts are being given a free pass.
Because sometimes, members on the parole board, even your own parole board, are on the take!
A G-man is placed undercover to investigate.
I enjoyed this, but this is one goofy B-film, mostly because it has the budget of a rat’s lunch allowance.
Up above, our G-man cases the Pastime Club, a seedy den of low-lifes.
I don’t know about you, but, to me, the thieves hangout resembles a well lit fern bar with pinball machines.
Our G-man is a nebbish, who does monotone voice-over throughout, as if he is struggling through James Joyce.
I appreciate that the boss of the Pastime gang is female, and there is an oily brain above her.
Fun for crime buffs, but no great shakes.

Crypt Of The Living Dead - 1974 - 3/10
AKA - La Tumba de la Isla Maldita

Spanish production with American leads filmed in Turkey.
Young archaeologist tracks down 700 year old crypt of Hannah, vampire queen.
Betcha didn’t know Hannah was a popular name in 1200.
My box said color film, credits said Metrocolour, it was still black and white.
Rather good looking Gothic set design and excellent shadows. OK effect of Hannah swirling into mist when she transforms into a wolf (who moves a helluva lot quicker than she does).
Predictable territory, characters were dreadful bores, pace was glacial.
Could have used more violence and sex. Vampyres, from the UK, came out around this time oozing plenty of bodily fluids.

Don’t Deliver Us From Evil - 1971 - 7/10
AKA - Mais ne Nous Délivrez Pas du Mal

Vicious, moody, conte cruel drama will certainly offend many.
Two bored schoolgirls embark on escalating games and torments.
Victims include their perceived inferiors (ie: working class and peasants) and small animals.
A word to the uneasy. Pets are mistreated in this, perhaps even killed.
Animal rights’ rules were different when this originally lensed.
Although the girls share an unhealthy obsession with each other, this is not a precursor to Heavenly Creatures, as these are a malevolent pair.
As they gain experience, they target larger quarry.

White Wall - 2020 - 5/10

The abandoned mining facility seems a perfect site for long term nuclear waste storage.
Deep underground, the waste should stay safe for 100,000 years.
Of course there are protestors and eco-terrorists, but Security is robust.
As the grand opening nears, workers strike a towering white wall.
Impenetrable, composition unknown. Archeologists date it over a billion years old.
While this series is classified as SciFi, this is what Harlan Ellison termed Speculative Fiction.
It is also slow and padded with purposeless characters and empty sideplots.
This ought to have been a two hour movie, period.
You could probably skip half the episodes and miss little.

Side Effects - 2013 - 7/10

Effective thriller about “happy pills” and unhappy side effects.
Plays into modern dependency on big pharma and safety concerns.
Must admit I had not read a single review on this one, so the narrative and twists were fresh.
Good suspenser with some sleight of hand turns.

Sound Of Metal - 2019 - 7/10

Drummer in cathartic, performance art duo loses 70% – 75% of his hearing.
He goes to a retreat for deaf, searching for a solution.
Well acted study of denial and rationalizing.
His reactions are understandable, relatable at times. Other times, his junkie roots dominate.
The hearing loss is sudden, which I had trouble with (no ear protection, especially at his age).
One of the “remedies” struck me as oversimplified.
Plot engaged me less as it progressed. Score for acting.

Giant Mechanical Man - 2012 - 6/10

Low key date flick, though some suspension of disbelief required for this indie film.
Two 30 something career failures meet and begin the like-to-get-to-know-you refrain.
She’s a temp, he’s a street performer. The city looked empty and lifeless. Turned out to be Detroit.
As with any romantic comedy (very light on the comedy), enjoyment might pivot on the viewer’s relationship situation. Lonely souls or those suffering fresh collapses might want to shun.
Cast of mostly unknowns, pushed by appealing leads.

Fanged Up - 2017 - 4/10

Hitting on club girls and accidentally provoking a bar fight lands Jimmy a weekend pass in prison.
Horrors below, he is shipped to dreaded Stokesville, from whence few return!
The evil governor, sadistic female warden, even the menacing guards, are on a blood diet!
Alright premise, mostly fine casting, but the comic bits are few and far between.
This film dragggggggggs, even on fast forward.
Fifteen minutes (at most) of funny, the remainder is padded, bloated garbage.

Jenifer - 2005 - 4/10

Erotic horror mishmash from Dario Argento.
Argento’s prime years were decades earlier, so I kick myself for loading this gobbler.
Cop rescues a damsel about to be chopped with a meat cleaver.
She has a disfigured face, though her ripe body curves compensate.
Cop shelters her and discovers she has an appetite for slaughtering others and feasting on hot entrails.
Also that she likes cowgirl, riding him senseless till his love gun is empty. Then mounting for more.
Sensitive souls might be shocked by some of the killings. Seasoned types, this is a yawn.

One Sings, The Other Doesn’t - 1977 - 6/10
AKA - L’une Chante l’autre Pas

Story of friends Pauline (later Pomme) and Suzanne, growing up in 1970’s France.
Suzanne had her first child at 19, by 22, when Pauline reconnects with her, she seems haggard.
Pauline helps with money, but Suzanne, desperately poor, does not use the funds as promised.
Instead, well, the tale turns. Pauline becomes Pomme, a struggling singer, and the friends drift.
The keep in touch with postcards, letters, and occasional meetings.
Lovely arc of friendship and maturity, with a sisterhood vibe.

Wrongfully Accused - 1998 - 6/10

Premier violinist is accused of entrepreneur’s murder.
He flees, stays one step ahead of determined law enforcement, and searches for the real killer.
Rapid fire spoof of topical films is probably Leslie Nielsen’s last good vehicle.
It is dating, however. Puns and sight gags overflow. Little sarcasm or ridicule.
These jokes would be apparent to audiences twenty years ago.
“Lord Of The Dance,” The Fugitive, Mission Impossible, Baywatch, dozens more.
Silly, sometimes confusing, sometimes labored.
Audiences with a taste for slapstick will giggle, jaded palates may well jeer at grandpa.