The Concierge

Yeah, it's terrible.

On the topic of this scene, something else I'd like to see changed is to give Sidious a more decisive victory in the senate chamber battle (even if the lightsaber part is cut out).

Basically, leave Sidious standing after their lightning contest, instead of both being knocked back.... For one thing, it would get rid of the need for any more flopping about on Palpatine's part, and it would give more meaning to Yoda's ROTJ line "do not underestimate the powers of the emperor." 

This would work nicely, I think, for those who want to emphasize Palpatine's power, but I know there are some who feel Yoda got short-shafted....

Yeah, a little too verbose, there...I guess I was trying to imply Qui-gon was a participant with Dooku, not knowing Dooku was in league with the Sith, but in the end (up to that point, at least) became their unwitting servant.

I like Dooku calling it a victory; it contrasts with Obi-wan (and Yoda being a bit of a pedant) marking it a *Jedi* victory...I also like the sound of "it was a master stroke to play upon his idealism"...this is the time to verify Dooku as a bad guy; I imagine a mocking tone while referencing his apprentice's contributions and death. 

Good point! Hmmmm....How 'bout along the lines of:

"My unwitting slain apprentice's misplaced intentions have availed us, Master: Qui-gon Jinn's army is ready. Darkness gathers. War has begun"

Dooku: "Ten years have revealed Qui-gon's sacrifice to be not made in vain: war has begun."

**OPTIONAL**

Sidious: "Qui-gon Jinn was an idealistic fool. His death was a necessary loss; he still served our purpose in the end. You have done well."

**

...Maybe something like that?

Oh, just that I like adding the element of Anakin glimpsing his future self in his dreams, and I wonder if it could be expanded...isn't there another dream sequence? Maybe there. For example Anakin with Sith eyes, or slaughtering the separatist leaders, choking Padme, etc.

Going even further...I've mentioned this before somewhere around here, if he could see himself doing these things in his visions without being able to make out it is actually he himself, thinking rather it's some other Jedi...it could help foster his distrust with the Jedi Council.  

Vader's mask descending coupled with the sound of the breathing is masterful. Really fantastic. I wonder if you could add more Vaderish dream prognostication...? But! As it is...great!!

Is any new dialogue for Dooku necessary? I thought MTHaslett's idea to simply cut the dialogue down to imply that Qui-gon *did* know about the corruption was enough...plus, we don't want to know tip our hand too soon revealing Dooku's playing both sides of the field. I suppose something for the conversation with Sidious could be added...maybe implying Dooku's being complicit in Qui-gon's assassination...it'd be nice to have something for Sidious to add, perhaps calling Qui-gon naive/foolish whatever....

Jar Jar: I vote English!

As for Fett, I admit I was one of those jarred by the name change, though I also admit to liking the ring of the name "Marcus Fett." After 8 years (insert "where does the time fly?" here) I've become too accustomed to "Jango," and it served more of a distraction and dissonance in my poor brain..."wait...no, that's Jango!..." I hesitate to call the change "unnecessary," cause, well...this is just the nature inherent of the craft! But, in my most humble of opinions, it ought to be reverted to Jango Fett.  

Ah, gotcha. Say, while we're on this creative hot streak, wouldn't it be *fantastic* if we could have the under-construction Maul-Grievous give a water-muffled "NOOOOO!"? It would---sorry, I can't go on. I suddenly feel so dirty...

I think Maul falling into a hot, energy-based substance would be appropriate...plus, it's an easy fix, just add a glow in the hole!  

I'm starting to really like the idea of Maul=Grievous, and for the reveal to be given at the end of Dooku's meeting with Sidious on Coruscant Ep II...But for the bacta tank to just be off to the side of the hangar seems a bit strange; to me it'd make sense for this new Sith weapon to be constructed in the same room Vader was created. It could go something like this: (Sidious' lair, Coruscant) "I have good news for you, my lord. War has begun." "Excellent...." Cut to darkened operation room. Door opens to reveal the silhouetted figures of Dooku and Sidious striding toward the camera to gaze up, their faces lit by an eerie glow. "....Everything is going as planned." Shift to their view to see medical droids surrounding the half completed General...at this point, it'd be nice to hear what seems to be Maul's leitmotif in TPM, the whispered chant, "korah rahtahmah"

Well, that's my imaginations take on it, at least. Nothing too drastic, but perhaps a little less subtle than, "hey, look behind them!" 

Well, gee thanks! I dunno, I guess it just came from the flow of ideas coming from this conversation...For years I've imagined how cool it would have been for Maul to go on a rant during that moment in the duel, and this idea just fits the concept!

I just wish it would be possible to do a final sequence in ROTS with Qui-gon's spirit and Obi-wan mirroring Luke and Obi-wan's conversation on Dagobah in ROTJ...heh, it could have even included Qui-gon saying to a dubious Obi something like, "from a certain point of view, my actions were justified." Of course, we wouldn't want to take away from the brilliance that is "From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!".... But alas! that seems pretty much undoable.

PS I also like the smoke! 

Owen! That's a veeeery interesting idea...It offers Padme a chance not to live in denial with the delusion that Anakin is simply, "a good person"...and yes, it'd give his brother-in-law a purpose! Furthermore, I suppose some of Padme's comfortings could be repurposed for another scene...But yeah, where to get the footage...dang.   

Oh yeah, Qui-gon should not be knowingly working in cooperation with the Sith. Though, following this idea, it could be revealed to him during the energy shield breather in the duel section of TPM. Conveniently, Obi-wan is out of earshot while Maul could conceivably let spill to Qui-gon the Sith's involvement, and his scheduled termination. This gives added focus and reason for Qui-gon to redouble his efforts to defeat him, and to plead with Obi-wan to go ahead with Anakin's training, which would lead, eventually, to the destruction of the Sith.  

Interestingly, again in the EU, Grievous is made cybernetic with the help of a blood transfusion courtesy of Sifo Dyas! This in itself is...kinda lame, but maybe something in the same spirit could be transferred to Maul to keep his character relevant to the overall plot. At the same time, though, both characters are kinda unimportant to add additional and unnecessary convolution.  

In my opinion Qui-gon ought to actually have been involved in the plot. Sifo Dyas' eventual explanation in extraneous material had him a Jedi who had premonitions of a conflict involving the death of many Jedi...I would go even further, having Qui-gon ordering clones knowing it would lead to the dissolving of the Jedi order and thus on the path to bringing balance to the Force. (even his last words betrayed him to be rather obsessed with bringing that balance). It could, MAYBE, be shown that in TPM Darth Maul was sent, in addition to what is already shown in that movie, to silence Qui-gon from potentially prematurely revealing the plans... but that's maybe a tall order.   

I understand your distaste at the whispered dialogue, but I'm concerned cutting out the enforced concealment of their relationship will take away from Anakin's developing frustration with the Jedi....it's a thread taken up again during the couple's last confrontation "don't you see? we don't have to run away anymore"

Grievous sounds fantastic here! Just sayin'....also, on the topic of the soundtrack, have you considered exploring classical music outside of Johnny Williams, but still within his stylistic range? It may help lessen the familiarity sorta "hey...this music is from that other movie..."  

I believe "Surfer Dude Fed" is the Nemoidian who says "two Jedi have landed..." etc....he's got a lame voice. REAL lame.

Anyway! I like the voice! It's at least a start...one thing I wonder, though, is if, forgetting about the stupid coughing, you keep the ragged breathing as the echo of Vader's trademark sound effect...I could see it either still being stupid or increasing the creepiness. But, hey, just throwing it out there!    

Ooh! I like this idea! Even going so far as to suggest Qui-gon was a willing participant...(at least with Dooku). I like thinking of Qui-gon as a radical 'Grey Side' Jedi, plus this helps keep him part of the story instead of disappearing entirely till a brief "oh yeah" mention in the final 5 minutes of ROTS....  

I must confess I'm enjoying thinking of Anakin's Dark Side turn as a sort of "Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde" concept...but I'm not sure Anakin should be completely unaware of 'Vader's' doings...in other words, it should be a somewhat conscious act.

I don't know how much sympathy we really ought to have for Anakin, especially during the latter stages. Specifically regarding the chilidren, we ought to expect someone being consumed by the Dark Side will commit unpleasant deeds...can we really say, "evil, but no, that's too evil!"? It may seem abrupt, but aren't there many stories of people committing multiple slayings being previously quite normal then "just snapping" ? 

Even then, there is a progression...(lemme break in here to say I'm not suggesting it was particularly deftly handled) Anakin's (Vader's?) Tusken massacre was a definite event of Dark Side possession....His confession of "women and children" *should* probably go. George seems to have tried to lessen the apparent severity of this by emphasizing the sand peoples' bestial nature...Cliegg's leg should say it all. Anakin, I think, should at this point be putting up a defense in his mind for having done this thing, till eventually believing the fiction. His ego will be horrified at it, but a thrill at the taste of reckless emotional satisfaction would be underpinned.

Anakin's story ought to be a cautionary tale. We *should* be disturbed at his unnatural teetering between the extremities of his psyche. Those who don't (or aren't allowed to) confront their personal dark side risk being swallowed by it. The Jedi's sole adherence to the Light Side of the Force is just as unnatural as the Sith's to the Dark. The Jedi not allowing Anakin to naturally face his inner demons and darker emotions contributed just as much as Palpatine to his fall. I believe Anakin's first step to bringing balance to the Force was the destruction of the Jedi, and the second the destruction of the Sith, with his son taking a position sublimating the two extremes to an equilibrium. (shit. I think I'm getting too blatantly Jungian here. I'll shut the hell up about it.) 

Now, to actually contribute ideas, I think it's just as important to see Sidious' reaction to Anakin's massacre as the Jedi...obviously, he'd be much more pleased (maybe even directing events to an extent...? It could recall Hera's afflicting Herakles with madness resulting in the slaughter of his children...). Additionally, Qui-gon (who seemed to have a more balanced, heretical understanding of the Force) perhaps ought to attempt to contact Anakin directly, maybe towards the end of his fall into darkness, trying desperately to call him back. Or, going with my theory of bringing balance to the Force (a concept I realize many dislike...), would Qui-gon have left things to go to their ultimate progression?

...I sincerely apologize for the preceding incoherent ramble.  

Something that bothered me (one of very, *very* few things, mind you), is the whole "Jedi Master Si-dyas(or whatever)"...now, I understand the inherent problem of "Sifo-dyas", but in this case, are we meant to take that there literally was a Master Sidious? Was he *the* Sidious posing as a Jedi? Obi-wan's line suggesting past knowledge of this person keeps this bugging me....If it's meant simply to be a Jedi with a name similar to the Sith's, it seems not to be an improvement over 'Sifo Dyas'...a completely different-sounding name may be better...or perhaps (more like, almost certainly) I'm missing the point... 

That is interesting, but it seems to me a bit too real, a little too demythologizing....I dunno, all this Light Side/Dark Side seems to me to already be veiled psychology conveyed in a mythological language. It is admittedly a vague threshold often crossed though.

I remember back when the trailer for ROTS first debuted, the 'Anakin with Sith eyes' shot was speculated as part of a dream sequence...is there any way this theorizing could be made into a decent concept of any worth? Building on Anakin's growing distrust of the Jedi, perhaps he could be shown to have dreams of a violent, faceless Jedi wreaking havoc, with no inkling that it turns out to be visions of his own future deeds...(for this to work, I suppose his face would have to be hidden in shadows, or avoided/distorted in some way) It could be something akin to Luke's dark side cave visions in ESB.....Or, it's a lame idea!     

To start off, I'd like to say I'm really excited by this project! Your work continues to greatly impress me!

This scene in particular has me jazzed. Fantastic concept! I agree with Bingo's suggestion of Palpy's prune face flashing in there...have you considered having his yellow eyes gleaming in the darkness? I believe in the theatrical cut this happens right after his first dons his hood...might look neat. Also, I believe someone suggested Palpatine cackling at a point during the fight...after cutting down the first three Jedi a gleeful cackle would be quite in character (plans to fruition!!)...I'm thinking specifically something like the one he used in ROTJ after Vader parries Lukes initial saber swing....

Apologies if this has been brought up before, but something that has bothered me about ROTS relates back to a line from ROTJ: "Obi-wan once thought as you do." And yet, from what we see in ROTS, it almost seems as if this line should be: "Your mother once thought as you do"....Now, it might be easier to change the line in ROTJ, but that seems a bit backwards. Is there any way to give Obi-wan some (temporary) optimism about Anakin's redeemability? I could imagine even a single line, like "Anakin, there is still good in you!" before the duel on Mustafar...but that might require an impersonator's ADR... 

Agh! The wait! I hope my being in Canada doesn't extend this suffering...

Yes, pretty much! I like that take on it. I enjoy Obi-Wan being a sarcastic prick while sparring...Just as Dooku does later.

Interesting that you mention the Council in that specificity. The original script for this scene actually included extra lines pertaining to that: 

Dooku: "The Viceroy of the Trade Federation was once in league with this Darth Sidious. But he was betrayed ten years ago by the Dark Lord. He came to me for help. He told me everything. The Jedi Council would not believe him. I tried many times to warn them but they wouldn't listen to me. Once they sensed the Dark Lord's presence, it would be too late. You must join me, Obi-Wan, and together we will destroy the Sith.

Hey everyone. While we're on the topic of Episode II, I thought I'd bring up the subject of possible expansion/alteration of the script through editing and redubbing...Now, I'm no writer (art student, here!), but I gave a shot at 'punching up' the dialogue between Dooku and Obi-wan during their first Geonosis encounter. This may be practically quite impossible to actually apply to a project, but in the interest of stoking the flames of conversation, I'll post it anyway.

This begins at the tail end of the scene.

D-"The Republic has failed. The Jedi have failed. You must join me, Obi-wan, and together we will destroy the Sith!"

O-W- (pause) "What is your bidding?"

Dooku approaches hesitantly, with skeptical hope

O-W- "Shall I kneel at your feet, Master?"

Dooku's hope visually dissipates

O-W- (with increasing sarcasm) "I would, but... (looking up) ...at the moment I am quite unable to do so."

Dooku now has a look of outright malice

D- "You're a fool."

O-W- "No, Master. You may once have been a great Jedi Knight, worthy of following, but no longer. I am your failure, just as you've failed my Master before me. Your own vision has been clouded by the Dark Side. I will never join you, Dooku."

Obi-wan has scored a hit, and they both know it. Dooku turns to leave.

D- "It may be difficult to secure your release".

This is probably just compounding sloppy writing with even more of it, but someone with some talent might be able to come up with something worthwhile (and possible to execute!). Really, I just felt this scene has a lot of potential, yet another opportunity wasted...Please forgive this little bit of self-indulgence!