RicOlie_2

DuracellEnergizer said:

Well, I gave it some thought, and I decided to shorten "The Infamous Scene".

The more gratuitous elements have been removed; instead of having to bear with the Mandalorian beating Zull and tearing at her clothes, it now cuts from the Mandalorian approaching Zull directly to the Force Hound standing outside her cell door listening to her screams.

It nows plays out as a more chilling counterpart to the scene in Star Wars where Vader enters Leia's cell on the Death Star with a torture droid, and -- hopefully -- it's now more in line with the tone and style of the OOT.

 Much better. This gets the message across, but keeps it clean. And yes, it feels much more like it belongs in Star Wars.

DUS UBBS: (frowning) Hey, now girl --

Her eyes and lips twitching, she crosses over to the Mandalorian and, seizing his head in her hands, drives her fingertips into his skull.

DUS UBBS: YYYEEEAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

As the Mandalorian's blood begins to run along her fingers, thin tendrils of sickly green energy begin to snake out from her hands, driving themselves into the violator's head. Immediately, the Mandalorian's body begins to shudder violently, his eyes rolling up into his head. Zull, for her part, merely increases the dosage, intensifying his shudders until they become full-blown seizures.

DUS UBBS: Ubbaaadduuubbaaabbbbdddduuubbbaaaaaa ...

His head vibrates rapidly in her hands, tongue and saliva trailing from his mouth with his eyes rolled up in their sockets; the blood that flows now from his head wounds is congealed and black, the surrounding flesh charring and flaking away.

Her teeth beared in an animalistic snarl, Zull wrenches her fingers from the Mandalorian's head. Dus Ubbs, stone dead, collapses to the floor, blood, snot, and saliva running from his facial orifices.

EXT. SPACE

The dungeon and assault ships pass through the void of space, an infinitude of white stars glowing behind them.

 My suggestion for this scene is that you don't show the unnecessary gore. This is Star Wars after all. I suggest that instead of showing all the gory details, have Zull begin (key word: begin ;)) to dig into his eyes with the force lighting thing. Then cut to her face so that we just hear the screams of Dus Ubbs and the focus is on Zull's emotion-filled face. Then have her lift her bloody hand up and look at it and cut to space. But if this is part of the reference, then whatever, keep it. This is only a script anyway, and unfortunately it won't ever be on screen.

I'm pretty sure they still have to figure out who it is. Comparing the IP addresses only confirms suspicions and even then, there's a possibility that two people share the same IPs.

Leonardo said:

What do you mean? An african or european swallow?

 A Japanese swallow. ;)

I think that could be considered a good thing, actually. Force ghosts can use the force and imagine if you had a bunch of dark side force ghost roaming the galaxy...unless you think only Jedi should have force ghosts.

DuracellEnergizer said:

RicOlie_2 said:

For example, instead of Bail calling Wahr Blahr (is that a tribute to Warbler? :D) a "stupid son of a b****", he could call him a "stupid son of a gundark" or a "mynock-brained hair slug [or mynock-brained idiot, if you don't want to make the Starwarisms seem too forced]".

I thought about it, but I wanted to express just how upset Bail was -- making him say something along the lines of what you suggested would have put a damper on the gravity of his emotional turmoil IMO.

And yes, Wahr Blahr is a tribute to Warbler (didn't the sighing give it plainly away?) ;-)

That's a good point about emotional impact.

I missed the sigh the first time I read it, but yeah, it's a dead giveaway. :)

4. Anything graphically violent or of sexual nature that isn't appropriate for kids makes it feel a lot less like Star Wars.

...[stuff]...

Fair enough (to the "stuff").

Someone who posted regularly probably would have known better.

But is it your good news? ;)

I have a few nitpicks once again (that's what I'm best at :)):

1. Holochess is properly termed "dejarik".

2. They have cassettes in Star Wars?!

3. You use a lot of earthisms, which makes sense because they're speaking English and Star Wars is known to do that, but I think you should add some "Starwarisms" as well. For example, instead of Bail calling Wahr Blahr (is that a tribute to Warbler? :D) a "stupid son of a b****", he could call him a "stupid son of a gundark" or a "mynock-brained hair slug [or mynock-brained idiot, if you don't want to make the Starwarisms seem too forced]".

4. Anything graphically violent or of sexual nature that isn't appropriate for kids makes it feel a lot less like Star Wars.

Otherwise, good job. I like the way you portray hyperspace travel and I thought you did a good job getting Anakin off Tatooine. I like that you have Mandalorians and I think the aspects you take from the prequels work well. I have to say I liked the prequels' Kaminoans, but what you did is just fine as well. I wouldn't have missed them if they never happened. Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next installment. :)

Do you have a flying swallow in you piece box? I'm short one and I want to make sure you have it before I make any future moves.

March 8:

A.D. 1887: The telescoping steel fishing rod is patented.

A.D. 1910: The first licensed woman pilot, Baroness Raymonde de La Roche of Paris, receives her pilot's license.

A.D. 1918: The first case of Spanish Influenza appears, beginning a worldwide epidemic.

A.D. 1945: International Woman's Day is observed for the first time.

No, it is not the right place to post this, since you weren't playing Nimmar. But whatever.

P*23

Tx15+S

T-14

I have a plan, but I'd better pull it off or I'll be in trouble. :P

Bx15+FS

Harmy said:

BTW. RicOlie_2, I like your title and signature but shouldn't it be 'Look, it's a title' and 'Look, a signature'? ;-)

 But then it would be inconsistent with my avatar...(I could make my own "Look, it's an avatar" avatar, but that would take too much effort). :P

I'm doing my best. :) I just hope my luck holds and I don't do something silly.

HHx15+Cm

Good point. We'd have at least thirty thousand posts less on this forum. ;)

At first I thought it was Scottish Gaelic, then I thought it was Welsh. Then I didn't know what it was.

You didn't know before? :D

LOL, I just figured out that Bingowings' signature is "Mary Had a Little Lamb" backwards. :P

March 7:

A.D. 161: Roman Emperor Antoninus Pius dies and is succeeded by two co-emperors (which was unprecedented at the time), Marcus Aurelius and Lucius Verus.

A.D. 321: Constantine I declares dies Solis Invicti (Sunday) a day of rest in the Roman Empire.

A.D. 1138: Conrad II Hohenstaufen is re-elected German Emperor.

A.D. 1530: King Henry VIII request for a divorce is rejected by the Pope.

You have my sympathies, Possessed.

That has got to be the stupidest outfit I've ever seen.

Sorry... :)

I'll delete it so you don't see it.