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Montcalm

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Join date
8-Aug-2003
Last activity
29-Sep-2012
Posts
306
Web Site
http://mapledogart.blogspot.ca/

Post History

Post
#279295
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/279295/action/topic#279295
Time
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.

March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2 - 4 years"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next.
Post
#279142
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/279142/action/topic#279142
Time
Missing God

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it
Post
#276312
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/276312/action/topic#276312
Time
Arab Interview

An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy.

Consul : What is your name?
Arab : Abdul Aziz

Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week

Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both M ale and female sometimes camels

Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too

Consul: Man,......... isn' t it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style

Consul: Oh dear!
Arab : Deer No ,hole too high, run too fast!
Post
#267679
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/267679/action/topic#267679
Time
100 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER



1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the
person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition
and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's
"Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's,
ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you
would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows
from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters'
Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap
yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK.
That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a
sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i"
sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say
"Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally
offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do
you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid
behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can
surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best,
Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where
was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk
and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's
fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary
in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. .
. action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH
this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may
be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going
to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they
felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular
intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap
from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent
orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,
say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you
say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to
respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated
again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get
it, do you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated.
I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,
won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often;
act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If
he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is
your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say,
in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
Post
#264612
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/264612/action/topic#264612
Time
What Doctor's Say And What They Are Thinking

* "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
(He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.)

* "Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

* "Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week."
(I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time or I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.)

* "We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.)

* "Let’s see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

* "Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.)

* "I’d like to have my associate look at you."
(He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

* "I’d like to prescribe a new drug."
(I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

* "If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

* "That’s quite a nasty looking wound."
(I think I’m going to throw up.)

* "This may smart a little."
(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)

* "Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?"
(I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

* "This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

* "Everything seems to be normal."
(Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.)

* "I’d like to run some more tests."
(I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)

* "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me.)

* "There is a lot of that going around."
(My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.)

* "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
(I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.)




Post
#262046
Topic
Nigerian Scams
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/262046/action/topic#262046
Time
Has anyone here ever recieved these in your E-mail,since i have a computer and internet connection its the first time i get one of those,here is the story this jerk is saying.
FROM THE DESK OF MR OUSMANE HAMED
MANAGER AUDIT AND ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT
BANK OF AFRICA OUGADOUDOU BURKINAFASO.

I am Mr. Ousmane Hamed, Manager Audit Accounting Department Bank Of Africa
(B.O.A). I would like to know if this proposal will be worth while for your acceptance.
I have a Foreign Customer,Andreas Schranner from Germany who is an Investor, Crude Oil Merchant and Federal Government Contractor that was a victim with Concord Air Line, flight AF4590 killing 113 peole crashed on 25 July 2000 near Paris leaving a closing balance of $10.3m in one of his Private US Dollar Account
that is been managed by me as the Customer's Account Officer.
Base on my security report, these funds can be claimed without any hitches as no one is aware of the funds and its closing balance except me and the customer (Now Deceased) therefore, I can present you as the Next of Kin and we will work out the modalities for the claiming of the funds in accordance with the law. If you are interested, Please call me to discuss in further details and our sharing ratio will be 60% for me and 30% for you.while 10% will be for the naccasery expenciss that might occur along the line.

Thank you,
Ousmane Hamed
N.B.In other for you to beleive me honestly try and go through this
(website)before you start with me.
Below is the website.
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm)
Post
#257369
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/257369/action/topic#257369
Time
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."