I really, really maxes gigantic ass of myself online the other day. I was just writing about mastering video to a DVD, it NEVER should’ve gotten to where it did. I don’t blame the other person. I behaved like an immature asshole and used misinformation because I was uneducated on the subject. I took my lumps. I apologized after the fact to the person and they accepted my apology. But the posts are there and keep thinking about them. I seriously doubt that anyone will ever see them, and it’s not like they’ll affect my ability to get a job or something. But I thought I was past this. I thought I was mature enough not to get into incredibly stupid fights abut trivial things on the Internet and act like an ass. I just should have been more mature. But the worst thing is that it has basically re-triggered my OCD and now it’s cyclical in my mind and I keep fixating on it. It’s going to be a few weeks before I can see therapist because of her new schedule, but I see my psychiatrist on Monday and I may have got to talk to her about boosting my OCD med, and this feels like an incredibly stupid reason to have to.
Speaking of being immature, I was equally so during fighting with my mother. She wouldn’t let me put my AC unit in my bedroom window because of her new windows. I was furious since I had a perfectly fictional and very expensive unit in the garage. We agreed that I could buy one that didn’t go in the window and go 50-50 on it, but when it arrived, she didn’t like the condensation and had me pay half the price to return, so I only got about 2/3 of my money back. I was apoplectic at her for going back on her word, and my therapist sided with her because it’s her house, so I basically sleep in an oven all summer. It has cooled off now, but given that I’m pushing 40, this is probably God’s way of telling me to get the fuck out of the house. And I keep trying, but it’s so hard financially.
The absolute worst news though is that I got a couple of e-mails about possibilities for my dream film critic job from prospective employers. Ecstatic, I replied and neither has contacted me again. I should’ve known it was too good to be true. But it really felt like a crushing blow. I want this so much, I know I’d be good at it, but it’s so hard to get into and I don’t think I ever will. I continue to work my dead-end job which makes ends meet, but makes me miserable. I’ve even taken to selling some of my old toys for extra money. I just feel so miserable.