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Jedi Master

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Join date
30-Mar-2003
Last activity
5-Jan-2007
Posts
421

Post History

Post
#88413
Topic
Comic book movies - who says yes and who says no?
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/88413/action/topic#88413
Time
Quote
Originally posted by: Bossk
Okay, is nobody getting my Vincent D'onofrio reference here?!?! C'mon, Gundark, I'm holding out hope for you and for Dayv as well. You guys should get it.


Can you post a picture of him? If he looks like Thor, I'll be with you on this, Bossk. Speaking of Thor, has anyone here seen the movie "Adventures In Babysitting"? There was a guy on there that would have been perfect for the role of Thor. I'd have to watch it again, and sit through the credits to find out.
Post
#86245
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/86245/action/topic#86245
Time
Memo To The Family Dog & Cat




1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball. So it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

6. For the last time, humans like to u se the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years.. Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and complain about our pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's my child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
Post
#86144
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/86144/action/topic#86144
Time
Oh Holly Land...

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can either have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 plus funeral expenses to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00 total?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Post
#85028
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/85028/action/topic#85028
Time
The History Of Teaching Math

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The
counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I
pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood
there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the
screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me
two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood
there and cried.
Why do I tell you this?

Please read more about the "history of teaching math":

Teaching Math In 1950
************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber
for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is
his profit?


Teaching Math In 1960
************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber
for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?


Teaching Math In 1970
************************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber
for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?


Teaching Math In 1980
***********************
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.


Teaching Math In 1990
************************
By cutting down beautiful forest trees,
the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)


Teaching Math In 2005

************************

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de
production es.............
Post
#85026
Topic
Comic book movies - who says yes and who says no?
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/85026/action/topic#85026
Time
Quote
Originally posted by: Warbler
In the comics, was he orginally a nontalking lacky belonging to Poison Ivy?


In the original story, Bane freed the inmates from Arkham Asylum to strategically wear Batman down. He had deduced that Bruce Wayne was Batman, and knew he would try to catch all of the inmates rather than try to catch 40 winks. Thus, wearing Batman down without having to exert himself in the process. The only weakness Bane had, was his dependency on the venom. But nevertheless, he was his own boss.
Post
#82951
Topic
Cartoons!
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/82951/action/topic#82951
Time
I grew up watching classic cartoons and still to this day enjoy watching them. I don't care all that much for Japanese anime, but it's okay, I guess. I like the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (haven't seen the current one), Thundercats, He-Man, Voltron, The Transformers (original series), Looney Toons/Merrie Melodies, and just about any classic Hanna-Barbera cartoon (The Flintstones, The Jetsons, Yogi Bear, etc..). Contrary to popular belief, cartoons aren't just for kids. The Flintstones originally aired during prime time and adults enjoyed watching it.
Post
#82496
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/82496/action/topic#82496
Time
Male Date Rape Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "Beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "Beers", men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "Beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that: "something bad" occurred.

At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "Beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
Post
#82144
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/82144/action/topic#82144
Time
Maxine's Bah! Humbug!

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house...
Not a creature was stirring
since the cat ate the mouse.
My support hose were hung
By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas
And just left them there.)
My dog, Floyd, was nestled
All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip
The presents to shreds.
And I in my long johns
And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt
For a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window,
"What the (blank) is the matter?"
I tore open the window,
Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw
The noisemaker a berry.
A bright moon was lighting
The new-fallen snow...
And I had a moon of my own
Set to show.
Floyd was beside me,
Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer
Hitched up to a sleigh...
And a little old driver
So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment
That I would be sick.
Like a bat out of...you know,
His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted
And called them some names--
"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
And Venison Jerky!
Stay off of my porch!
Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road,
Hit the road, all!
But as pedestrians before
My old Buick , they fly
And head for high ground
With great fear in their eyes.
So up to my rooftop
The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys
And old Fruitcake - Breath too.
And then, in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles
Made by each tiny hoof.
As I reached for my slingshot
And a marble as well,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas
Tumbled and fell.
He had a huge sack of
Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd,
"Be prepared to attack."
His eyes they were squinting,
His toy bag was draggin',
And I felt for a moment
Like I'd soon be gaggin'.
He was dressed all in red.
With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather
To hold back the fat.
A billowing pipe
He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something
Had been dead for awhile.
He had a broad face
And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him
With a handful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him
(He looked pretty dorky).
He was like a beached whale
Unable to budge.
And he tasted good , too,
If the dog was a judge.
I spoke not a word
But went straight to my work--
A noogie, a wedgie,
A cry of "You jerk!"
Until laying a finger
Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
Up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to the sleigh
And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer,
"Get me out of here, Boys!"
And I had to exclaim
As a slushball I tossed,
"Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a 'Get Lost!'"
But then, as I turned,
I saw 'neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents--
One for Floyd, one for me.
A big bag of jerky
Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair
Of brand-new bunny slippers.
I looked out the window,
And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking
From his sleigh in midair...
"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
He cried, full of cheer,
"Same to you, Pal!" I answered,
("I'll get you next year!")
THE END
Post
#82143
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/82143/action/topic#82143
Time
A Letter From Santa

Dear Friends.

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.

I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird @#%$.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my act together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your butts down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Santa
Post
#82142
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/82142/action/topic#82142
Time
'Twas The Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Post
#82141
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Link
https://originaltrilogy.com/post/id/82141/action/topic#82141
Time
Okay, time for some Christmas jokes.

Chet The Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked excitedly. Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a match under Chet's left foot and Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.
Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night ... Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "but he can sing!!!" Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shopkeeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!... " The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came:"Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life):

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."