DuracellEnergizer

Ah, The Glove of Darth Vader ... I actually liked that series as a kid and thought Trioculus was a cool villain. Karl Kesel's awesome artwork must be to blame for that.

RicOlie_2 said:

It's still cold though; the temperature has been around -20-30°C and it feels colder.

The Phantasm films are definitely nice to look at, and I love Reggie, but I can't say that I'm fond of how the storyline's been developed; too much emphasis has been placed on ambiguous jump-scare endings and not enough on actually taking the story anywhere.

EXT. SPACE - TATOOINE

With the blurring of pseudo-motion, the Light Hammer drops out of hyperspace, its trajectory carrying it on a course directly toward the mottled orange globe of Tatooine.

INT. LIGHT HAMMER - BRIDGE

MR. SOLO: (to Bail) Our trajectory is taking us straight along toward the planet. Shall we maintain present course?

BAIL: (strokes his chin) Let's play it safe and go into a high orbit. We don't want the people down there to think we're unfriendly.

CMDR. VANESS: (scrunches her nose up at the sight of the ugly desert planet filling the viewscreen) Even if we were, there's not much they could do to repel us. (beat) I doubt the Hutts would even bother putting a patrol on duty to defend this worthless rock.

As those words come out of her mouth, a ship appears on the viewscreen, leaving the atmosphere of the planet on an intercept course. As the craft grows larger in the viewscreen, it becomes apparent that the ship is an ungainly Xiytiar-class transport; though outfitted with some modified weapons systems, the bulky cargo ship is nowhere near the match for a dreadnaught like the Light Hammer.

COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: We're being hailed, sir.

BAIL: Patch them through.

The view of the cargo transport before the orange orb of Tatooine disappears from the viewscreen, instantly replaced by the image of a GREEN-SKINNED NIKTO CAPTAIN.

NIKTO CAPTAIN: I am Wahr Blarh, captain of the Defense Fleet of Tatooine. State your identity and business in this system.

BAIL: I am Bail Organa, Prince of Alderaan and admiral of the Galactic Empire. We are here under the suspicion that your world may be in for an attack from Mandalorian renegades who have been attacking ships and making raids on worlds all along the Outer Rim. (beat) I believe our government made arrangements with your masters prior to our arrival, and that you were made aware of our coming.

CAPT. BLARH (NIKTO CAPTAIN): (sighs) You are beyond your borders, Admiral. The concerns of your Empire are no concerns of ours.

BAIL: This isn't strictly an Imperial matter, though, is it Captain? From what I've been made aware, your side of the border hasn't been all that safe from Mandalorian attacks, either.

CAPT. BLARH: (sighs) So it is, Admiral, so it is. (beat) I have been ordered to provide you with any assistance you may need should you need it. Should you or any of your crew find yourselves in the need to go planetside, please register with us first -- unauthorized Imperials are not welcome on Tatooine.

BAIL: Thank you, Captain, we'll keep that in mind.

Without any farewell, the nikto discontinues the transmission, restoring the image of the cargo ship stationed in front of Tatooine back to the viewscreen.

BAIL: (turns toward Vaness) Well, that went well.

Vaness, in response, merely smirks.

Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

Bruce Campbell is still -- dare I say it? -- the king.

8/10

Sadako said:

I'd heard they were planning on dropping a lot of the EU, but the prequel films aren't exactly EU. They're half of the canon films.

Plans change.

Ugh, Force Speed ...

Proof that I have too much time on my hands (or perhaps not enough time but too many hands).

http://duracellenergizer.deviantart.com/journal/The-Star-Wars-Multiverse-371751612

The EU also seems to be holding to prequel-style universe-shrinkage nowadays. Attempts were made to make these guys

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Bedlam_Spirits

and this guy

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Pomojema

all a part of this little group

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Immortal_Gods_of_the_Sith

I watched the OOT years before I ever see the SE, but for some reason or another -- probably childhood naivete combined with hero worship of Lucas, the creator (so I thought) of Star Wars -- I bought into the whole "the SE is better than the OOT because these are the films as they were always meant to be" schtick and came to see the OOT as a hopelessly underdone prototype.

Thank God the shock of how bad the PT was combined with a more mature post-adolescent mind roused me from that delusion, though.

^That must explain why crap like this

keeps showing up, regardless of the fact that it contradicts stuff like this

RicOlie_2 said:

DuracellEnergizer said:

ANAKIN: (exstatic) Right on!

Deactivating his lightsaber, Obi-Wan turns to regard Anakin, he simply stands there frozen, his mouth agape with amazement at the feats he just witnessed. Beru, Nellith, and Owen -- clutching his wounded shoulder -- exit the house, attracted by all the commotion.

 I enjoyed it as usual, but it's time for nitpicking now. ;)

"Exstatic" should be "ecstatic" and you may want to make it more clear that Anakin is the one standing there frozen. Because Obi-Wan is the subject, the "he" refers to him as you have it, even though you don't intend it that way. I suggest you replace "he" with "the boy" to make it clear who you mean.

I always have trouble remembering how to spell ecstatic *d'oh*.

Thanks for pointing out that vague bit of writing in regards to Anakin and Ben. I always try to go back over my writing to iron out any problematic areas, but I miss things sometimes, especially the little ones like these.

Do you care if you use thee and thou correctly? Right now you consistently use the former when Watto is speaking and I was just curious if that was intentional, or if his speech is meant to be archaic and you want to use "thee", "thou", "thine", and "thy" correctly. The way it is is fine though since Watto doesn't use grammatically correct speech a lot of the time anyway.

I recall finding a "thee" in Watto's dialogue when I was going over the script for TPM a few years back, so I decided to make it a general part of his dialect when I was writing my previous Ep. I rewrite; making him sound archaic isn't something I was going for then or now (I'm trying to make him sound more like an Eastern European Italian gangster, actually, if that makes any sense).

Otherwise, great job again; I'm enjoying the read.

Thanks. Hopefully, I'll be able to take the story past the whole "doom and gloom" state it's been in so far and start exploring the more optimistic themes of the plot soon.

Chewbacca = Jar Jar?! WTF!? The only OT character that even comes close to being like Jar Jar is the CG Sy Snootles from the ROTJ SE.

EXT. ANCHORHEAD - WATTO'S SHOP - DAY

Ben stands before the entrance into Watto's Shop, looking up at the unlit sign with no expression on his face. The shop, and the area surrounding it, looks far grimier in the daylight than they did in the darkness of evening.

Looking down, the Jedi opens his left hand; seated in his palm is the aquamarine crystal and its gold chain. Closing his eyes tightly with emotional discomfort, he steps forward.

INT. WATTO'S SHOP - DAY

Watto is hovering about his shop, taking inventory of the parts he has on sale, as Obi-Wan enters.

WATTO: Back already? Can't -- (looks up, notices that the new arrival is not someone he knows) Ah! (beat) I don't open for another two hours. Whatta thee want?

OBI-WAN: (approaches Watto) I'm here on business, Watto.

WATTO: (waves his hand with dismissal) I don't talk to solicitors during business hours. Call me later, and we'll make an appointment.

OBI-WAN: Personal business.

Hearing the edge in the human's voice, the Toydarian decides to deactivate and set aside his datapad, focusing all his attention on the young man instead.

WATTO: (flies up to the Jedi) If you're with the Power Converters, I'll tell thee what-a I told the other one -- I didn't assault that girl. I'm not even attracted to humans --

OBI-WAN: This is about Owen Lars.

WATTO: (relived) Oh, him. (beat) Whatta ya got to tell me?

OBI-WAN: I know he owes a large sum of money. I'm here on his behalf to settle the score.

WATTO: (narrows his eyes at Ben) And who the hell-a are you, anyway, that thee care? (beat) You look-a kinda familiar -- I know you, don't I?

OBI-WAN: I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, Owen's brother.

WATTO: Ah, yes -- little Benny! I thought I recognized you! (chuckles) You can pay me off, eh? You, the brother of a water farmer! And I'm sure you struck it rich out there, out on the moons of Iego, what with such fancy clothes you wear! Ha! (beat) I like a good joke -- for that one, I'll bring your brother's debt down-a 10%.

OBI-WAN: I'm serious, Watto.

WATTO: (suddenly angry) So am I -- get out!

Deciding now is the time to act, Obi-Wan brings out the crystal, dangling it by its glittering gold chain before the Toydarian's large eyes. The Toydarian, the blue-green facets of the jewel reflecting in his eyes, is instantly entranced, his mouth dropping agape in wonderment.

WATTO: (Amazed) Is that --?

OBI-WAN: A corusca gem. Of the finest quality.

Taking the jewel, Watto reaches into his workbelt and retrieves a mechanical eyepiece. Activating it, he places it up to his eye and manually adjusts the telescoping lens, placing the crystal before his line of sight.

WATTO: By the goddess' bulge -- corusca!

OBI-WAN: I believe it is enough to settle my brother's debt.

WATTO: (lowers the eyepiece from his eye) Boy, this is enough to settle the debt of every brother!

OBI-WAN: (satisfied) Then our business is concluded.

Turning his back to the Toydarian, the Jedi begins to leave.

WATTO: (his face growing dark) Oy, I forgot ...

OBI-WAN: (halting) What?

WATTO: Your brother and his friend got on my bad side. I sent Sebulba and Craetorius to teach 'em a lesson.

OBI-WAN: (turns around, walks up to the Toydarian) What are you saying?

WATTO: My boys, Sebulba and Craetorius, my ... personal negotiators.

OBI-WAN: (frowning) Enforcers.

WATTO: (shrugs) If I had-a known thee were coming, I would've let bygones be bygones and called it all off. (beat) They've been gone-a half hour. They'll hit the Whitesuns first.

Without any further hesitation, Obi-Wan takes off in a dead run, bolting out of the shop with what is almost preternatural speed.

The Jedi gone, Watto turns to regard the aquamarine corusca gem.

WATTO: (overjoyed) Corusca! (kisses the jewel).

EXT. DESERT - DAY

Obi-Wan drives his landspeeder over the hot desert landscape, pushing his engines to their outer limits.

EXT. WHITESUN HOMESTEAD - COURTYARD - DAY

Ben arrives at the Whitesun homestead. Pulling up to the front, he finds two people -- a gray-bearded man and an elderly woman -- dead on the ground, the victims of blaster fire. From the homestead's entrance billows a thick cloud of greasy black smoke.

Wasting no time, the Jedi knight pulls away from the Whitesun homestead, speeding away for the home of his brother and his brother's girlfriend.

EXT. LARS HOMESTEAD - COURTYARD - DAY

Outside the Lars homestead, Owen and Beru have come to greet a pair of visitors -- her half-brother Anakin and their mother Nellith. Nellith, a woman who was beautiful in her youth but is now simply handsome in middle age, has magenta hair and fuchsia eyes, indicating that she is a human-Zeltron hybrid.

BERU: (hugs Anakin and then Nellith) Oh, Nik, Mom, it's so good to see you!

ANAKIN: (grins) Long time no see, huh, sis?

BERU: (rolls her eyes with exaggeration) Too long. (beat) Where's Dad?

NELLITH: I'm sorry, baby, but he couldn't make it. (to Owen) You know how Mir is -- there's always too much work to do around the farm.

EXT. DESERT - DAY

Five swoop bikes shoot across the landscape. This is Watto's gang of enforcers, led by CRAETORIUS and SEBULBA. Craetorius is a horribly disfigured Zeltron, while Sebulba, as we can now see, is the very same dug Obi-Wan confronted and disgraced on his first day back on Tatooine.

EXT. LARS HOMESTEAD - COURTYARD - DAY

ANAKIN: Is lunch ready?

OWEN: (grins) Dewback ribs sound good to you, buddy?

ANAKIN: (ecstatic) Right on!

As the pair of four prepare to step inside, the five swoop riders arrive. Alerted by the whine of the bikes, the four moisture farmers turn to regard these new arrivals.

Without any apparent urgency, Watto's men casually climb down from their swoop bikes. As Craetorius begins walking up to them, hands on his gunbelt, Anakin slowly begins reaching around behind him.

OWEN: What do you want?

CRAETORIUS: (draws a blaster) Watto's come to collect his due.

With mind numbing speed, Anakin pulls out a hidden blaster and fires. The bolt strikes the Zeltron's weapon just as he pulls back on the trigger, knocking his aim off just enough so that the blaster bolt blasts Owen in the shoulder instead of through the throat. With a cry of intense pain, the moisture farmer staggers backward, falling upon the stone facade of the homestead entrance.

ANAKIN: (to the others) Go, grab Owen, get inside!

As Nellith and Beru grab Owen and scurry away inside, the boy turns toward the five swoop gangsters. Dodging a round of blaster fire, he fires off another shot, catching one of them right between the eyes. When another swoop rider blasts the gun out of his hand, Anakin quickly grabs a large rock lying with reach, throwing it with pinpoint accuracy at his attacker, knocking her out and over.

With the element of surprise gone and he no longer in possession of a weapon, Anakin finds himself surrounded, outnumbered, and outgunned.

SEBULBA: Stupid move, dirt farmer.

CRAETORIUS: (unholsters a second blaster) I would've killed you fast, boy. But now -- now you're gonna burn.

Stepping toward Anakin, the Zeltron nonchalantly adjusts the setting on his blaster. Nik, afraid but determined to protect his loved ones at any cost, braces himself before the entrance into the Lars home, shielding it off from the attackers.

As Craetorius levels his blaster at Anakin, a sneer twisting his burn-scarred lips, Obi-Wan steps out into the open, unlit lightsaber ready in his bandaged right hand. Immediately captivated by the aura of this intense young man, each of the swoop gangsters turn away from Anakin to face him.

OBI-WAN: I suggest you leave now, before I am forced to teach you your manners.

SEBULBA: (recognizes Obi-Wan) You!

CRAETORIUS: You know this fellow, Sebulba?

SEBULBA: Know him!? (spits on the ground) This chuba-lover has a blaster bolt waiting for him, and my name's all over it!

OBI-WAN: If you have a score to settle with me, then let's settle it away from here. The Lars have no part in this.

CRAETORIUS: (to Obi-Wan) Lars owes a debt to Watto. He's been loose with his payments, (nods towards Anakin) and the boyfriend's been loose with his tongue, so now he's gonna take the farm -- the farm and the ladies, too.

OBI-WAN: The women are not yours to take.

CRAETORIUS: Now that ain't true, is it? See, Watto's got the influence to do whatever he wants, so he gets whatever he wants. Girls have a way of making money, and Watto can take advantage of that. (beat) The girlfriend's gonna do some hard, sweaty work to put some peggats in the old bird's account. The mother too, probably. She's going to seed, sure, but she's still got some bounce left in her.

OBI-WAN: The debt has been paid. I finalized it with Watto myself.

CRAETORIUS: Is that so, now? (clucks his tongue) See, that might be true -- probably is. The problem, though, is that when I'm put to work on a job, I always follow that job through.

OBI-WAN: I see that there's little point trying to dissuade you. You are obviously set in your ways.

CRAETORIUS: Quite right, stranger ...

The Zeltron pulls his blaster on Obi-Wan, aiming the barrel toward Obi-Wan's face. Before he can pull back the trigger, the Jedi's blade blazes into life, and the Zeltron's arm and throat are slashed away in one swift stroke. Stepping in to take his fallen partner's place, Sebulba opens fire on Ben, but the Jedi knight deflects each and every bolt back at the dug, cutting him down with his own blasterfire.

OBI-WAN: (speaking in dual voices) Leave this farm -- now!

Terrified by the Jedi's inhuman voice and incredible prowess with his blade, the remaining thugs toss down their weapons and retreat with panic to their swoops. The vehicles roar to life, and the gangsters quickly move off, zooming off away from the Lars homestead and disappearing into the landscape.

Deactivating his lightsaber, Obi-Wan turns to regard Anakin, who simply stands there frozen, his mouth agape with amazement at the feats he just witnessed. Beru, Nellith, and Owen -- clutching his wounded shoulder -- exit the house, attracted by all the commotion.

BERU: Obi-Wan! (turns to Anakin) Nik, are you all right? You're not hurt, are you?

ANAKIN: (snaps out of his trance) What? Oh, no -- no, Beru, I'm fine ... just fine.

BERU: (to Obi-Wan) Ben, how about you? Are you okay?

OBI-WAN: (smiles) I'm alright.

As Beru turns back to regard her brother, Owen -- stepping past his girlfriend, her brother, and their mother -- approaches Obi-Wan. Noticing the bodies of Sebulba and Craetorius, he is astonished -- astonished and enraged.

OWEN: What have you done!? You'll bring disaster down on our heads! Oh, God, the trouble you'll bring us -- the trouble!

OBI-WAN: (clips his lightsaber to his belt) You were in trouble to begin with.

OWEN: (holding back the worst of his rage) Damn fool. (beat) You're gonna kill us! We're all gonna die because of you!

Anakin slowly approaches the two fallen adversaries, peering down at their dead bodies.

ANAKIN: Owen's right, mister. Watto's not going to be happy about this.

OWEN: (yelling) That's it, Anakin! Tell him! Tell this ... tell him what he's done to us!

OBI-WAN: I've dealt with Watto.

OWEN: (taken aback) Huh? What?!

OBI-WAN: I traded in a precious gift for your lives and livelihood. Your debt -- Dad's debt -- has been settled.

Without any further elaboration, Obi-Wan steps away from his stepbrother. Walking up to the others, he puts his hand on Beru's shoulder, his eyes grave.

BERU: (looks up at the Jedi) Ben, what is it?

OBI-WAN: I'm not happy to be the one to tell you this, but I have bad news. (glances toward Anakin then Nellith) Perhaps we should take this inside.

Silently, they slip inside. Owen, taking one last look at the two dead bodies of Sebulba and Craetorius, follows after them.

Diet Mountain Dew is the only diet variety of an brand of soda that I actually prefer over the regular kind (regular Mountain Dew is too sickly sweet for my tastes, like overripe fruit or something).

This is actually a rather interesting question. I suppose I've always assumed that it was Prowse in makeup, but I really don't know.

She actually played Kerrigan in a made-for-TV movie (her performance was awful, BTW).

Maybe he plays the armour of Darth Vader, possessed by the spirit of a long-dead Dark Lord who was imprisoned within the armour when it was built and reawakened when Luke cremated Vader on Endor.

Let's just hope they don't stick him in white face paint and yellow contact lenses.

If only there was a picture of Heather laughing maniacally I could use as a reply to your statement. Alas ...

TIMELINE-L

PODD

21st Century (?)

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS

In this timeline, TV’s Frink is a major fan of David Lynch.

FINAL NOTES

Frink-L’s favourite Lynch film is, obviously, Mulholland Drive.

TIMELINE-K

PODD

?

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS

Red Forman is God in this universe.

FINAL NOTES

The Eleventh Commandment: “You shall have no other god’s foot in your ass before mine”.

TIMELINE-J

PODD

66,000,000 BCE

DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS

The ancestors of the primates failed to survive the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event, leading equines to become the dominant lifeforms on Earth.

FINAL NOTES

I wonder if “human” is a synonym for “idiot” in this universe. Of course, humans never evolved on this Earth, so I suppose it’s unlikely.

This cover

is awesome.

I've never read the book itself -- and never will, as the first book in the trilogy turned me right off with its prequelisms -- but any image that depicts a Jedi with a red lightsaber is automatically awesome, therefore I consider this image -- regardless of whatever story it may be attached to -- as completely canon.