I prefer the total rewrite.
If you do use the first version, I would encourage you to lowercase “Starfleet” or change it to simply “fleet” to avoid crossing the vocabulary streams with a certain other universe.
I think this one reads well:
Amidst this rising threat,
leaders in the New Republic
have secretly aided a brave
and daring militia to stand
in RESISTANCE, sending its
pilots to find the last Jedi
and restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
And if you want to mention the fleet:
Amidst this rising threat,
the New Republic fleet
has secretly aided a brave
and daring militia to stand
in RESISTANCE, sending its
pilots to find the last Jedi
and restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
The Skywalker Saga:
I · II · III · IV · V · VI · VII · VIII · IX
This is the way.
Across this dark expanse,
only one valiant militia
stands in RESISTANCE,
its daring pilots secretly
entrusted by the Republic
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
This is cool but I’d make the following modifications:
Across this dark expanse,
only a valiant militia
stands in RESISTANCE,
its daring pilots secretly
equipped by the Republic
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
Not sure I am a fan of “dark” in the first line and then “darkening” in the last line.
The more I think of it too, as much as I’d like the crawl to have the New Republic secretly supporting the Resistance, it just clouds it up too much in exposition.
In the context of the Resistance being a militia, that already establishes they are separate from the “fragile New Republic”, and with the Leia deleted scene restored and Hux’s speech, I think it would be easily assumed for first-time viewers that Leia is getting some secret help from her friends in the Senate to fund the militia.
With that in mind, I suggest:
Amidst this rising threat,
only a daring militia
stands in RESISTANCE,
its brave pilots have been
sent across the galaxy
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
The Skywalker Saga:
I · II · III · IV · V · VI · VII · VIII · IX
This is the way.
I agree with both of your thoughts. Since the New Republic doesn’t serve much of a purpose in this movie it’s best to leave their reference as brief as possible here.
It just looks like you messed up on your verb tenses. Here’s an example of how you can fix that:
Amidst this rising threat,
only a daring militia
stands in RESISTANCE,
its brave pilots deployed
across the galaxy to find
the last Jedi and restore
the light of hope to the
darkening stars….
I personally prefer the draft before the more comprehensive rewrite-- my only notes would be a couple of word substitutions.
I think “sworn / to rebuild the legendary / Jedi Order” sets a more appropriate tone-- to me at least, “reforge” has a more martial feeling to it that doesn’t quite fit the Jedi (or at least, how they ideally should be). Rebuilding feels like a more neutral term, and I think suits the post-Imperial recovery period well.
The other is that I think “New Republic Starfleet” might be swapped for simply “New Republic military”-- like others have mentioned, for many viewers the term “Starfleet” just holds too strong of an association with Star Trek and might pull people out of the film for a moment.
Good point on ‘rebuild’.
And yes, I agree that the Republic supporting the Resistance has always been a thorn in our side, even if it’s necessary for Hux’s plan to make sense.
Because we need the Republic in there somehow, maybe if we frame the conflict in terms of the Senate needing the Jedi to function, whether to inspire public support or to serve some more technical leadership role, it can solve this issue.
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS
The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to rebuild the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.
With the Jedi now facing
extinction, agents of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.
Unable to end this crisis
without the heroic Jedi,
the Senate has secretly
authorized the pilots of
a brave RESISTANCE to
find Luke Skywalker and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
I didn’t like using ‘Jedi’ twice in the final paragraph, so I had to take out ‘the last Jedi’. This meant changing something else to get the idea across that the Jedi are on the verge of extinction, and that meant changing ‘soldiers’ back to ‘agents’ for word length purposes. Eh, I think agents flows better anyway.
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
Would it be possible to nix just “Luke” from the final paragraph? It seems a little unnecessary since only one character in this film has the name Skywalker. And we gave his full name earlier.
Unable to end this crisis
without the heroic Jedi,
the Senate has secretly
authorized the pilots of
a brave RESISTANCE to
find Skywalker and kindle
the light of hope to the
darkening stars….
You know I gotta take a stab 😄
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENSThe galaxy is in despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to rebuild the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.With the Jedi now facing
extinction, agents of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.Unable to end this crisis
without Luke’s guidance,
the Senate has secretly
authorized the pilots of
a brave RESISTANCE to
find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
The Skywalker Saga:
I · II · III · IV · V · VI · VII · VIII · IX
This is the way.
I am not sure about making the Republic so directly dependent on a single Jedi for its survival, even Luke. It kind of infantilizes them to make it so all they need is a consultation with Luke. Keep in mind, even Snoke believes that the threat of Luke isn’t the man himself but the ‘new Jedi’ that he may inspire.
As for crisis, I put it back in the first paragraph because it was in the third. I think when we get to that third paragraph it’s nice to have a term to encapsulate everything that’s happened so far.
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS
The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to rebuild the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.
With the Jedi now facing
extinction, agents of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.
Unable to end this crisis
without the mighty Jedi,
the Senate has secretly
authorized the mission
of a brave RESISTANCE
to find their lost hero and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
I’ve got no real complaints 😃
Yeah, I’m very happy with this one.
JEDIT: changed ‘pilots’ to ‘mission’ for clarity.
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
I think I actually preferred “pilots”.
I don’t want to lose “the last Jedi” 😄
Episode VII
THE FORCE AWAKENSThe galaxy is in despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to rebuild the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.With the Jedi now facing
extinction, agents of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.Desperate to resolve
this threat, the Senate
has secretly authorized
brave pilots of a daring
RESISTANCE to find the
last Jedi and restore
the guardians of peace
to the darkening stars….
What a great opening line after this paragraph by the way 😉
Lor San Tekka: This will begin to make things right. I’ve traveled too far and seen too much to ignore the despair in the galaxy. Without the Jedi, there can be no balance in the Force.
The Skywalker Saga:
I · II · III · IV · V · VI · VII · VIII · IX
This is the way.
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS
It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to rebuild the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.
With the Jedi now facing
extinction, agents of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
all star systems beyond
the fragile New Republic.
Desperate for a hero to
help resolve this crisis,
the Senate has secretly
commissioned the pilots
of a brave RESISTANCE
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
Ok, it’s perfect!
Now, nobody else criticize it or this will go on forever! Jk, lol.
Ladies and gentlemen… we got it 😏👍
What’s next? 😄
The Skywalker Saga:
I · II · III · IV · V · VI · VII · VIII · IX
This is the way.
What’s next is for it to quickly get integrated into the film before someone rethinks it again!
Also, it’s time for someone to make that 2 hour edit of all possibly crawls for this film.
Merge them all into one run-on sentence 🤣
The Skywalker Saga:
I · II · III · IV · V · VI · VII · VIII · IX
This is the way.
It’s up to 450 crawls in my document, so at 1.33 minutes per crawl, that’s 9.75 hours of nonstop crawling 😃
Anyway, I think it’s good and would be happy to have that be the final version, at least until a new idea strikes me. It’s shocking how many permutations we’ve gone through without actually cycling back around to accidentally making a crawl identical to a previous attempt. It just goes to show that the variations are truly endless.
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
Hi NeverarGreat, i hope you doing well. Can i talk to you in private?
Would I be able to get a link to v2?
The latest version is 1.1, but PM sent!
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)
can i get a pm for the link?
PM sent!
You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)