The Force Awakens: Starlight (V1.1 Released!) — Page 85

hinventon said:

There’s one audio hiccup I noticed right after Rey escapes on Starkiller when Kylo senses Han, I think he says “escape” and the end seems clipped off. Not sure of the exact time stamp but worth looking.

pretty sure that moment is unaltered from the movie

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of darkness.
Luke Skywalker, last of
the legendary Jedi Knights,
has vanished.

Emboldened by the Jedi’s
absence, agents of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to sow chaos and fear
throughout the vulnerable
New Republic.

Racing against time, a
brave RESISTANCE sworn
to secrecy by the Republic
has sent its daring pilots
across the galaxy, vowing
to find the last Jedi and
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…

This may be the best option there is for explaining the relationship between the Senate and the Resistance. Here, the Senate is demanding that the actions of the Resistance be undertaken in secret, but it doesn’t specifically say whether or not the Senate officially condones these actions. Presumably it does but wishes to give the impression of being an impartial party, which tracks with Hux’s statement about it ‘secretly supporting’ the Resistance. At the same time, there’s no mention of actual assistance by the New Republic.

I am also trying to imply here that the Resistance search for Luke is more widespread than just Poe’s mission, though that is the one which leads to results. It makes the galaxy seem bigger.

That’s tidy, yeah.

Fair enough on the first paragraph being too succinct. I could definitely include something about the Republic there. Though, I am attempting with this short first paragraph to make the crawl work with Williams’ original 3 part crawl music, so the episode number, title, and spacing should be seen as part of the first paragraph, so a four line first paragraph is essentially seven lines for musical timing purposes.

And yeah, the Republic should be explained more, but straight out saying that they won’t help doesn’t endear them to the audience who needs to care that they are destroyed by the end.

Here’s a version that mixes a few of my prior efforts in a new way. Since I’ve abandoned the idea for a 9 line second paragraph, I think it makes everything a lot more readable.

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

The Republic is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, last of
the legendary Jedi Knights,
has vanished.

Emboldened by Luke’s
absence, Imperial legions
bearing the mark of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of a hidden fortress to
destroy anyone seeking
the Jedi’s return.

In staunch RESISTANCE,
a band of rebels armed
in secret by the Republic
has sent its daring pilots
across the galaxy, vowing
to find the last Jedi and
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…

I get the point of trying to add in some sympathy for the Republic, but isn’t a large part of the story that the Resistance formed due to their unwillingness to help?

Yes, and that’s the contradiction at the heart of this film’s confused worldbuilding. The theatrical crawl states that Leia has the support of the Republic, and Hux says that the Republic has secretly aided the Resistance as well. On the other hand, the novels of this period portray Leia as a pariah and the Republic as almost entirely dismissive of her efforts to fight the First Order, since the Senate is itself divided between those opposed to the First Order and those supporting it. Leia had to essentially break away from the Republic entirely to create the Resistance, at least in the lore.

There’s no way to condense this complex situation into a satisfying line of exposition. If the Republic refuses to help Leia, it is seen as contemptible, if it is unable to help due to being fractured by infighting it is seen as weak, and if it openly supports Leia there is little point of calling it anything other than an arm of the Republic military. The only option that really makes sense here is what Hux describes, a situation where it secretly supports the Resistance while attempting to remain neutral to avoid being drawn into another galactic conflict. I think that could come across with the ‘secret’ addendum, but I don’t want to put too much more focus on it because it would imply that the Republic is a major player in the film, which it most definitely is not.

I think that is probably the best you are gonna get, seeing as all the necessary worldbuilding happens outside these movies. A casual viewer has no idea Leia was rejected by the senate for being Vader’s daughter or that she hates him or any of that. Which is the heart of my frustrations with the movies, there’s NO worldbuilding for the legacy characters.

With the goal of the First Order being extremists trying to prevent the Jedi Order’s return, having the New Republic appear competent, and explaining that the Resistance is secret but somewhat supported, AND that the New Republic is using the Resistance to secretly fight their war without approval of the Senate… here’s the best I can think of:

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

Luke Skywalker has vanished.
Emboldened by his absence,
the sinister FIRST ORDER,
an extremist remnant of the
fallen Empire, has proclaimed
that anyone who seeks to
restore the ancient ways of
the Jedi shall be destroyed.

Leaders of the NEW REPUBLIC,
striving to maintain the fragile
peace throughout the galaxy, have
secretly aided General Leia Organa
with organizing a covert RESISTANCE
to combat this emerging threat.

Leia has sent her most
daring pilots across the galaxy,
vowing to find the last Jedi and
preserve peace and justice
amongst the darkening stars…

I see it better now. I like that one, but I’d substitute “tasked” for “aided”. the extraneous canon makes it clear it’s Leia’s idea, but it can be inferred that some of the New Republic has begun to sympathize with her. This may also support that scene where Leia sends an agent to Hosnian (which, I forget if its in this edit, been a minute.)

losthead said:

I see it better now. I like that one, but I’d substitute “tasked” for “aided”. the extraneous canon makes it clear it’s Leia’s idea, but it can be inferred that some of the New Republic has begun to sympathize with her. This may also support that scene where Leia sends an agent to Hosnian (which, I forget if its in this edit, been a minute.)

That scene is in this edit. With Leia sending Kor Sella to the New Republic Senate to “insist that they take action against the First Order immediately.”

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

In his absence, desolate
worlds beyond the reach
of the New Republic have
fallen under the shadow
of the evil FIRST ORDER,
which has risen from a
dark Imperial fortress to
destroy the Jedi forever.

To counter this threat, a
brave RESISTANCE armed
in secret by the Republic
has sent its daring pilots
across the galaxy, vowing
to find the last Jedi and
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…

I think that’s great, nearly perfect - I’d just question the word ‘desolate’, which implies that the worlds are barren and thus not particularly valuable for the First Order to hold. And what are the FO’s goals? Is it to destroy the Jedi? Or is it to restore Imperial rule? Or are they extremists seeking revenge?

Try “despondent”.

Hey @NeverarGreat, any updates on V2?

Afraid not. I’ve been working on a non-Star Wars project and I’d like to finish it up before re-subscribing to the Adobe products and returning to work on V2.

Take your time, dude! Do you have any planned changes for V2?

There are two big changes that I intend for V2.

The first is to insert a scene where Leia is told that the Senate is scrambling the defense fleet in response to Kor Sella’s report, but that it won’t be ready by the time the Starkiller fires. This scene is practically finished except for timecode removal.

The second change is to insert a scene where Rey fixes R2 at the end of the film, allowing him to wake up and find the map. In the introduction to R2 scene, I would portray him with panels hanging off and generally the worse for wear. Those scenes need some work, as well as timecode removal.

Also, If I were feeling ambitious I may try to put together an extended scene of the Falcon’s journey to find Luke at the end of the film.

There are a few smaller changes I’d make as well, such as changing the crawl again and adding some lines of dialogue, and perhaps reworking the scenes after the Falcon crash lands on Starkiller Base.

To help clear it up some, would a new AI line for Kylo work?

Kylo Ren:

• “The map to Skywalker. We know you found it. And now you’re going to give it to the First Order.”

• “The map to the first Jedi Temple, and possibly Skywalker. We know you found it. And now you’re going to give it to the First Order.”

Jar Jar Bricks said:

If I may - I’d also be willing to redo the AI dialog that currently exists using Poe’s own dialog as its reference. It will blend in much better that way.

That would be awesome!

Also, did you decide against Leia giving Maz the lightsaber in Rey’s vision and telling her to keep it safe?

Oh yeah, the plan hasn’t changed:

NeverarGreat said:

For V2:

• Incorporate the shot of Luke’s saber into Rey’s vision to explain where it came from
• New dialogue for TR-8R in his fight with Finn
• Revert the reveal of R2 to the original version except that R2 is more dilapidated
• A scene where Leia is informed that the Senate is mobilizing the fleet
• Reincorporated scenes of Kylo searching for Rey on Starkiller Base
• An extended series of scenes where Rey repairs R2 at the Resistance Base
• Hopefully craft a new scene of the Falcon traveling across the galaxy in the journey to Luke

DZ-330 said:

To help clear it up some, would a new AI line for Kylo work?

Kylo Ren:

• “The map to Skywalker. We know you found it. And now you’re going to give it to the First Order.”

• “The map to the first Jedi Temple, and possibly Skywalker. We know you found it. And now you’re going to give it to the First Order.”

Would this be because we don’t know if Luke is there on the island? I don’t really see why that distinction would be important.