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Cookie MOnsters favorite jokes! — Page 12

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A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!"
Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts: animals, clowns, contortionists, etc. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There in the middle of the ring is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants, whips out his long shlong, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.
Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein."
He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket and sits through various acts. Finally, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. As before, old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He unzips his fly and proceeds to smash the coconuts with three swings of his amazing shlong.
The crowd goes wild! The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In Goldstein's dressing room, the salesman tells him he's never seen anything like his act. But he wants to know why he's now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.
"Vell," says Goldstein, "my eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"

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I choo-choo-choose you to be my valentine.

“Grow up. These are my Disney's movies, not yours.”

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My father just told me this one:

 

Two lesbian vampires on a night out:

- Slurp slurp suck slurp

- Suck slurp slurp suck

.........

...........

- Alright, see you in 28 days.

 

............

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I've just "discovered" nun jokes. My life is now complete.

*********

Two nuns who were driving along, a vampire jumps out in front of their car and starts to walk menacingly towards them..
Sister Anne says to Sister Bernadette..."Show him your cross!"

Sister Bernadette wound down the window of the car and says "GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

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I suppose you have heard the one about the nun having a bath?

While having a soak she hears a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", she asks.

"It's the blind man from the village... I'm sorry sister but I really need to get in there", says the voice.

"Where's the harm?" she says to herself and she gets up to let the poor guy in.

In he walks and says, "Nice tits now where do want these blinds?"

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Nice one, hadn't found that one yet.

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I happened across this one so I thought I'd enter it...

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

 

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie,

"I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you".

 

The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prey's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

 

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up.

 

At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says,

"I AM GOD. I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me."

 

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. 

 

When he finish, he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,

"Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!"

 

Then the nun jumps up and shouts,

"Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!"

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This thread needs more jokes. Here's one I heard years ago...

The Bell Ringer Joke:

The bell ringer of the local church was getting on in years and, having perfected the art of ringing the church bell, wanted to find another who would ring it in precisely the same way after he himself had retired. So he sent out the word far and wide, and many people soon appeared at his door wishing to try their luck at winning this most estimable position. Although many tried, none could produce the desired tone. So with a heavy heart, he sent them all away.

One day, he heard a THUMP at the door, and upon opening it he saw before him an armless and legless man staring up at him. This man had heard that the bell ringer position was still open, and had come to try his luck. The old bell ringer reminded the eager applicant that the bell was at the top of the church tower, and that any bell ringer would need to climb many steps before reaching the top. In response, the quadriplegic hopped up the front steps into the house. Surprised and somewhat amused at the applicant's physical ability, the bell ringer told him that he could try for the job if he was able to climb the tower. So up the stairs the armless legless man hopped, and finally he made it to the top. The old bell ringer was astounded, yet he saw now that with no arms, the poor applicant would not be able to pull the rope which rung the bell. The man replied that he needed no arms, and upon gathering his strength, he bounced across the floor and threw himself face-first against the bell in a most painful-looking manner. Yet the bell ringer was amazed, for from the bell issued the most perfect and melodious sound he could have imagined. The armless legless man had the job on the spot, and he performed his duties well for many weeks.

One Sunday morning, however, the bell did not ring at the appointed time, and the pastor was horrified to discover the armless legless man lying on the ground in front of the bell tower. The retired bell ringer was summoned, and realized that the man must have misjudged his flying leap at the bell, careening out of the tower window instead of hitting his target. The deputy arrived and asked the retired bell ringer if he knew the name of the victim. The old bell ringer replied:

"I don't actually know...but his face rings a bell."

You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)

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Sean Connery and Lulu are on Parky, Sean's telling Parky that he's learned some tantric sex tips from Sting and that he can go for hours and can make a woman orgasm as many times as she wants. After the show, they're having a drink...

Lulu slides up to Sean and says 'Sean, I've always had a thing for you, do you fancy coming back to my hotel room for a night of passion?'.

Sean replies 'Shertainly my dear' and off they go.

So they get down to business, and the sex is fantastic. Lulu says 'Oh Sean, that was superb, can we do it again?'.

'Shertainly my dear, but hold my penish in your left hand, and my bawsh with your right hand, and let me shleep for half an hour'.

So she does, he wakes up, they have sex and it's even better than the first time.

'Your magnificant' she coo's. 'Can we do it all night?'..

Shertainly my dear, but as before, hold my penish with your left hand, and my bawsh with your right, and let me shleep for half an hour...'.

They do this all night, and in the morning Lulu whispers in Sean's ear 'Your the best I have ever had, was that the tantric sex tip that Sting gave you?'

Sean replies 'no, but the last time I shlept with a weegie, she shtole my wallet....'

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A busload of Edinbuggers and one Weegie were involved in a horrific coach crash in the Swiss Alpes and went to heaven. Because of their ordeal, God decides to grant each and every one of them a wish.

Now all of the coach victims are, to say the least, not exactly attractive. They all line up, with the Weegie at the back, as one by one they all ask to be made to look beautiful. Half way down the line, and the Weegie starts laughing, much to the bemusement of the rest. When God finally reaches the Weegie, he composes himself and says "Make them all ugly again."

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I was completely taken in by this one, it's fantastic:

Friend: Did you hear about that actress that was stabbed to death? Reese...

Me: Witherspoon?

Friend: With a knife, you idiot.