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The Place to Go for Emotional Support — Page 27

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Don’t worry about it, man. We’re all pulling for you here.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

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Well, I think the compulsions want revenge for me defeating them at all. They’ve been at a hellish new pitch. I want to sleep. It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning. I’m beginning to feel that any attempt to fight this are an excercise in futility. I’m going to try to sleep. Unless I have more compulsions.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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Mike O said:

Well, I think the compulsions want revenge for me defeating them at all. They’ve been at a hellish new pitch. I want to sleep. It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning. I’m beginning to feel that any attempt to fight this are an excercise in futility. I’m going to try to sleep. Unless I have more compulsions.

Get rid of your computer and smartphone.

The Person in Question

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moviefreakedmind said:

Mike O said:

Well, I think the compulsions want revenge for me defeating them at all. They’ve been at a hellish new pitch. I want to sleep. It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning. I’m beginning to feel that any attempt to fight this are an excercise in futility. I’m going to try to sleep. Unless I have more compulsions.

Get rid of your computer and smartphone.

The computer belongs to my parents with whom I live. As for the phone, in spite of the compulsions, I use it for all kinds of things besides the compulsions: this, lots of stuff that I read, checking online for various things, some related to my Job, etc. Even then, with how late I’m staying up, I could probably play with my dad’s at night anyway.

I had more attacks this morning. It’s just endless. I’ve been raising my medicine, getting tested, having intense therapy, excercising, but it just feels like all of my work is for naught, like I can’t win. I don’t know anymore. I just feel so defeated.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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It’s all too easy for us to say something like “get rid of your computer and smartphone” when the truth is it’s not that simple.

I’ve been impressed with your progress, no matter how defeated you might feel right now. Don’t give up!

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 (Edited)

Why isn’t it simple to swap a smartphone for a basic model that can be used to call and text but little else? Such models are very cheap, the swap does not have to be long term, and the other activities that Mike O mentioned can be carried out in other ways.

And (though moviefreakedmind did) I wouldn’t suggest that Mike O get rids of his computer. In previous posts, I’ve suggested ways in which he could limit access but still carry out essential tasks.

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I’m starting to think that your solution, while I don’t want to consider it, might be a necessity. I went out with my friends again today and had a couple more episodes when I ducked into the bathroom. I feel like a relapsing drug addict. I wish I knew why this was happening and that I could control it, or when understand it. It’s my birthday tomorrow, what a lovely present. God, this is hellish. I go back to work the next day. This feels like trying to put out a forest fire with a bottle of Ice Mountain. It’s just so frustrating, it feels like it’s not worth fighting. I don’t know anymore.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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Bring up your access to these materials with your therapist next time and see what they say about it now that they have some context about how this works and manifests in you.

You’re doing well, just keep it up.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

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You’ll have to at least exchange your smart phone for one in which you can’t give in to your compulsions. Beating a compulsion is much more tangible when you pretty much have no real ability to give in. It would at the very least help you at work and when not around your computer.

The Person in Question

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Mike O said:
I’m starting to think that your solution, while I don’t want to consider it, might be a necessity…
…I feel like a relapsing drug addict.

That is indeed an effective analogy. What you are going through has the hallmarks of anxiety, depression, and obsession, but it’s also in some ways like addiction. Addicts have to be mindful of people, places, and paraphernalia.

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Chewtobacca said:

Mike O said:
I’m starting to think that your solution, while I don’t want to consider it, might be a necessity…
…I feel like a relapsing drug addict.

That is indeed an effective analogy. What you are going through has the hallmarks of anxiety, depression, and obsession, but it’s also in some ways like addiction. Addicts have to be mindful of people, places, and paraphernalia.

Well, that’s humiliating, but given how I just had another slip-up again a few minutes ago, I might be forced to conclude that you have a point. I more or less fought one off last night when I went to bed, but getting up again brought them all on again. I just feel so weak now. Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. And I have to get up at 5:00 tomorrow to go back to work. Just great.

EDIT: Put the phone upstairs to eat. When my parents left for church, I slipped with the computer. God.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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You’ve been making great progress! Keep it up and I’m sure you will be able to enjoy your next birthday far more, and the next one far more than that. The important thing is to not let yourself give up no matter how many times you slip up!

I hope you enjoy(ed) your birthday as much as possible! My thoughts (and prayers) are with you.

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Joefavs, I know you’ve edited your post and I don’t know why exactly, so I won’t say anything specific, but don’t worry about it. Like you said you’d heard, lots of people make mistakes, so just take what you can from it and keep on moving forward. I’m sure even the big guy had that look thrown at him in his first gig.

Mike O, happy birthday, buddy! You’re kicking ass out there, no matter how you feel about it, it’s plain to me and everyone else here that you’re very dedicated to this, and I think it shows in your progress. Every step forward is just that, even if it’s not a long stride at first. Call this a birthday gift to yourself, and by next year you’ll be feeling much better.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

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Went out for my b-day with the family. They, particularly my mother, noticed how off I was. I’d deliberately left the phone in the car so I wouldn’t indulge my compulsions when I stepped away to go the restroom (and I know, TMI, but whatever the hell is going on with my medication and my appetite, I’ve been spending more time there). It worked, and I made the drive home, but they came on so fucking strong that I did it again. This feels like a Catch 22 in hell: either expend anxiety and depression to fight the compulsions, or indulge the compulsions. And fighting them makes them worse! It’s like damned if you, damned if you don’t! If it weren’t both frightening and sad, it might be darkly funny. But it’s not funny. It’s scary.

Thanks to everyone for the well-wishes. This is not how I wanted to end my vacation of celebrate my birthday, but I guess it is what it is. God, help me. At this point, I feel like even if I were to manage to reclaim my mind, with all of this stuff rattling around in there, the damage has been done so badly that I can never be back to where I was.

Sorry for all of the drama. It’s just frustrating that I fought-and hard-only to face an enemy twice as big. It just makes fighting feel pointless.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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Mike, when you said you put the phone upstairs to eat I totally read it the wrong way, “Why doesn’t his phone eat at the table?”, I thought.

I hope your birthday, at the very least, doesn’t entirely suck and if you can grab even a moment of calm then you damn well consider it a happy day. Don’t dwell on it when you slip or when you’re fighting the urges - dwell on the times when you don’t. It’s not about beating your problems or being fully in control it’s about not letting them rule you ALL the time. One second of time when you’re not giving in is worth a day full of slips.

Please keep fighting, Mike. There’s a lot of people here who care about your wellbeing.

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I know it sucks, but the good (and important) thing is you’re doing the work now rather than next year, or five years from now. Don’t beat yourself up about posting here, either. Nobody’s forcing us to be here, haha.

Just as an aside for consideration: See if you can get a referral to an OCD specialist from your current therapist, perhaps? Or maybe do some research and see if you can find one near you (unless your current therapist is!). I would personally bring up the possibility of some Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, because in this modern world it is awfully hard to escape information (as you yourself have found), so it’s best to learn how to deal with triggers as they come up rather than deny them. It’s a very effective treatment in my experience.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

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Tyrphanax said:

I know it sucks, but the good (and important) thing is you’re doing the work now rather than next year, or five years from now. Don’t beat yourself up about posting here, either. Nobody’s forcing us to be here, haha.

Just as an aside for consideration: See if you can get a referral to an OCD specialist from your current therapist, perhaps? Or maybe do some research and see if you can find one near you (unless your current therapist is!). I would personally bring up the possibility of some Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy, because in this modern world it is awfully hard to escape information (as you yourself have found), so it’s best to learn how to deal with triggers as they come up rather than deny them. It’s a very effective treatment in my experience.

If this is OCD. I’m not sure anymore. Just got through a hell of a rough workday in many, many ways, and I was pretty functional (I guess one kind of stress can push the other around), though the compulsions still came on on breaks, and it was such a rough day that my temper started to fray. Overall, though, I’m rather proud of myself for how I handled it. I gave me therapist the journal I’ve been keeping, so we’ll see what he says about that. I’m on the autism spectrum, so while I’ve been previously disagnosed with anxiety and depression, and while I’ve had OCD tendencies, it’s never seemed to manifest as anything like this. It’s certainly possible it developed later in life, much as I’d rather think not. I will ask him about that next session (there’s an issue with my schedule this week, so I have to straighten that out before I set up with him again), and I’m coming up on the two-week mark for th increase in my medicine. I’m going out with the family again tonight, so at least I’m not locked in my bedroom tapping away at my phone.

Seriously though, they came on again on the drive home! This is ridiculously defeatist! Fighting against it is hard, giving in to it hurts! What’s the fucking point? God, help me. I can’t win, and can’t even lose. It just hurts so fucking much.

EDIT: Went out with my brother. At least I got out of the house and some socializing done.

EDIT 2: Didn’t work. Somehow wound up on a video of Christopher Hitchens ranting about circumcision. That was about as mess up as could be.

Oh, and Independence Day: Resurgence is terrible.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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Well, went back to work. The compulsions subsided somewhat, and were replaced by depression. I’ve been sleep 18 hours some days. Then the compulsions came back on my last break at work today. Just fun. Serously, please God, make this stop.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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Work has probably thrown a bit or a wrench in things. Make a real effort to try to get out and do stuff on work days as well, even if it’s just a walk. It’s so much easier to give into compulsions when you’re tired, so doing your best to get out and away from things until it’s bed time might help.

When’s your next appointment?

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

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Tyrphanax said:

Work has probably thrown a bit or a wrench in things. Make a real effort to try to get out and do stuff on work days as well, even if it’s just a walk. It’s so much easier to give into compulsions when you’re tired, so doing your best to get out and away from things until it’s bed time might help.

When’s your next appointment?

Well, unfortunately, management, in their infinite wisdom, messed up the schedule this week, so I wound up with a Saturday off, which unfortunately he doesn’t work. I’m trying to work around my schedule, but he probably only got my message a short time ago. A guy I know another forum who’s had some severe OCD issues offered to ask his therapist if she knows anyone in my area, which I told him I appreciate. We’ll see if he remembers. I’m still going, of course, but it just feels pointless. I mean, he confronted me directly with the heart of this issue: why does it bother you when you know your own beliefs? I was unable to answer, then as now. This just isn’t a rational enough thing for me to fight with that way. I don’t mean that in any way to disrespect what he’s trying to do, and he clearly wants to help, I just wonder if I can be helped given my giant mental block. The compulsions laid low in exchange for depression for most of today (yesterday I slept for about 18 hours), but when they came back, man, they wanted interest. I was hoping it meant the medicine was finally doing some good, but damn, when these came back, they wanted interest. Since they’re so impossible to reason with, I don’t think there’s any way to win against them. I mean, I can sit here and tell you they’re irrational just like I did him, but can’t fight them. Even if I surrender, I can’t be left along. It feels to defeating.

Sorry for the pity party. Just…God, it was rough.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death