The Force Awakens: Starlight (V1.1 Released!) — Page 78

A good effort, however I have to keep in mind the restraints of word length and how they will fit into the crawl dimensions.

Taking another crack at it, I managed to get ‘hidden’ in there, and also moved the Republic so that the sentence reads more clearly:

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With the New Republic
in turmoil, the sinister
FIRST ORDER has risen
from the shadows of a
hidden Imperial fortress
to proclaim that anyone
who dares to search for
the missing Jedi shall be
destroyed.

Appalled by this decree,
a few faithful Senators
have secretly lent their
support to the mission
of a brave RESISTANCE
to find the last Jedi and
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…

NeverarGreat said:

A good effort, however I have to keep in mind the restraints of word length and how they will fit into the crawl dimensions.

Taking another crack at it, I managed to get ‘hidden’ in there, and also moved the Republic so that the sentence reads more clearly:

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With the New Republic
in turmoil, the sinister
FIRST ORDER has risen
from the shadows of a
hidden Imperial fortress
to proclaim that anyone
who dares to search for
the missing Jedi shall be
destroyed.

Appalled by this decree,
a few faithful Senators
have secretly lent their
support to the mission
of a brave RESISTANCE
to find the last Jedi and
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…

Love this version!

One more slight update. I put the previous version to music and realized that there is a dramatic musical sting which happens at the fourth and sixth lines of the second paragraph. To capitalize on this I shifted the reveal of the First Order and its fortress down a line.

It is a time of desolation.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With the New Republic
overwhelmed by chaos
and despair, the sinister
FIRST ORDER has risen
from the shadows of a
hidden Imperial fortress
to proclaim that anyone
who seeks the lost Jedi
shall be destroyed.

Appalled by this decree,
a few faithful Senators
have secretly lent their
support to the mission
of a brave RESISTANCE
to find the last Jedi and
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…

The only issue I can see with this approach is that it implies too much public knowledge of Luke (and implicitly the Jedi). At this point in time, the Jedi are supposed to be believed to be long dead, fallen into myth, and Luke’s absence is only impactful to those who knew of him- the OT cast and their close allies, and the most senior Sith.

I think it can be the triggering incident behind the return of the First Order at a stretch, but I don’t think it should cause New Republic chaos or its government’s response.

This is one of the tensions I’m constantly fighting with in the worldbuilding (or lack thereov) around TFA. I could suggest that the Republic is falling apart under attacks from the First Order, but that begs the question of why they don’t use their defensive fleet and take action against these obvious aggressors. On the other hand, if I make the Jedi central to the identity of the Republic, then I run into the problem you state where the Jedi don’t feel like long-vanished myths.

The trouble is that without a clear source of something which causes the New Republic to become hopelessly overwhelmed by chaos, they will simply look inherently weak and incompetent. And if I try to describe exactly how the Republic is failing due to the complex factors of the Jedi being absent and the First Order’s agents infiltrating the Senate and causing gridlock and doing terror attacks with surgical precision to destabilize the Republic’s power and increase support for an Imperial style of government, well then I have six paragraphs with no signs of stopping.

I do see what you mean though. The film does portray the Jedi as essentially extinct and forgotten. I just need to thread the needle somehow, pinning the Republic’s problems on the lack of the Jedi while not specifically saying that the Republic is grieving at their recent loss.

JEDIT: Perhaps something like this:

It is a time of desolation.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the light of the
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With his memory fading
into legend, the sinister
FIRST ORDER has risen
from a hidden stronghold
of the fallen Empire to
proclaim that anyone in
the New Republic with
faith in the ancient Jedi
shall be destroyed.

Appalled by this decree,
a few faithful Senators
have secretly lent their
support to the mission
of a brave RESISTANCE
to find the last Jedi and
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…

Yep, the idea of Starkiller as massive overkill for Luke is something I had thought of earlier in the thread 😃

To your point about the Republic not believing that the First Order is threatening them, here’s the paragraph which separates the New Republic from the First Order’s threat:

With his memory fading
into legend throughout
the New Republic, the
evil FIRST ORDER has
risen from a stronghold
of the fallen Empire to
proclaim that those still
loyal to the ancient Jedi
shall be destroyed.

Maybe the New Republic is simply struggling after the fall of the Galactic Empire? The Republic slowly and then quickly transitioned its governmental apparatus into becoming the Empire, ruled under extreme military bureaucracy for twenty years, then collapsed. A New Republic wouldn’t necessarily have recovered to anything like the strength of the old Republic in that time.

How about this one? Based on feedback above:

Luke Skywalker, striving to restore
the legendary Jedi Order, has
vanished. In his absence, the Jedi
have faded into myth across
the galaxy.

Emerging from a hidden stronghold
of the fallen Empire, the mysterious
FIRST ORDER has declared complete obliteration to anyone who dares
to find the last Jedi.

General Leia Organa, frustrated by
the fragile New Republic’s inaction,
has secretly organized a brave
RESISTANCE to find her brother, and
restoring peace and justice to
the darkening stars…

JEDIT: Based on RogueLeader’s feedback.

All good points. I could have the crawl focus on the search for Luke and the concept that the galaxy is divided between the New Republic and First Order territories:

It is a time of darkness.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the light of the
Jedi Order, has vanished.

Searching the galaxy for
the legendary last Jedi,
a fearless New Republic
task force has uncovered
a clue to Luke’s location
on the borders of the
fallen Empire, sovereign
territory of the sinister
FIRST ORDER.

Secretly supported by a
few honorable Senators,
leaders of the fearless
RESISTANCE have sent
their best pilot to recover
this clue, unaware that
they are ensnared in a
rising shadow of evil…

This format has some issues, since it doesn’t really make sense to introduce the Resistance without first introducing what they are resisting, and I can’t do that without talking about the search for Luke taking the Resistance to the borders of First Order space. It’s maddeningly circular.

I did try to make ‘mysterious’ work for the First Order, but it just wouldn’t fit on the line very well. I also think ‘sinister’ works with both being evil and with being unknown.

Another take on this ‘border territory’ idea:

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of darkness.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With the shadow of evil
rising across the worlds
of the New Republic, a
few desperate Senators
have secretly called upon
a daring RESISTANCE to
search for the last Jedi
within the domain of the
vengeful fallen Empire.

Answering this call, the
ace pilot Poe Dameron
has discovered a clue to
Luke’s location on the
desolate world of Jakku,
unaware that the sinister
FIRST ORDER now rules
these darkening stars…

This feels pretty natural, except for the final lines where it implies that nobody knows about the First Order at all, which isn’t true.

Alternately:

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of darkness.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With the New Republic
overwhelmed by turmoil,
a few desperate Senators
have secretly called upon
a brave RESISTANCE to
search for the last Jedi
within the domain of the
evil FIRST ORDER, heir
to the fallen Empire.

Answering this call, the
ace pilot Poe Dameron
has discovered a clue to
Luke’s location on the
desolate world of Jakku,
unaware of the shadow
now rising to extinguish
the darkening stars…

This one puts a lot of information in the second paragraph, but the upshot is that the First Order is established before the final lines and those can be put to use in hinting at Starkiller Base as well as setting up the first shot.

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

The New Republic grieves.
Its hero Luke Skywalker,
striving to restore the old
Jedi Order, has vanished.

Fearing a sinister power
behind this catastrophe,
a few desperate Senators
have secretly called upon
an intrepid RESISTANCE
to search for the last Jedi
in the domain of the evil
FIRST ORDER, heir to the
fallen Galactic Empire.

Answering this call, the
ace pilot Poe Dameron
has discovered a clue to
Luke’s location on the
desolate world of Jakku,
unaware of the shadow
now rising to extinguish
his darkening stars…

That’s lovely - but I think the middle sentence has a little ambiguity at the end with how it’s broken by commas. I might just lightly rearrange it:

Fearing that the sinister
FIRST ORDER, heir to the
fallen Galactic Empire,
are behind this catastrophe,
a few desperate Senators
have secretly called upon
an intrepid RESISTANCE
to search for the last Jedi
in their domain of evil.

I’d also perhaps change ‘his’ darkening stars to ‘the’, just to remove the personal connection.

Hmm, that’s an interesting suggestion. But the rearranged sentence introduces ambiguity in ‘their domain of evil’, which is somewhat uncoupled from ‘the sinister FIRST ORDER’. One could interpret the domain of evil to be connected to the Resistance, which is obviously not what we want. It also has three commas in a row, whereas my original sentence was intended to break up the two commas across the entire paragraph.

I go back and forth on ‘his’ or ‘the’, since ‘the’ is more straightforward, but ‘his’ gives a more poetic flair and (to me at least) evokes the idea of a darkening fate or destiny.

How about this:

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

Sensing Imperial malice
behind this catastrophe,
several valiant Senators
in the New Republic have
authorized a task force
to search for the last Jedi
within the domain of the
sinister FIRST ORDER,
heir to the fallen Empire.

Sworn to an errand of
secrecy, leaders of this
brave RESISTANCE have
sent their greatest pilot
to the planet of Jakku,
unaware of the shadow
now rising to extinguish
the darkening stars…

That’s really clear and good! The movie doesn’t really deliver on ‘maybe Luke’s deep in First Order territory’ but I don’t think it matters - it’s an interesting hook and implies that the FO have a good region of control.

Very poetic, but contradictory! In paragraph 2 the New Republic knows of the sinister First Order, but in paragraph 3 they are unaware of the shadow!

Maybe something like this?

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

Suspecting this disappearance
to be an act of war, a daring
task force has assembled to
search for the last Jedi within
the domain of the FIRST ORDER,
a mysterious faction armed with
weapons of the fallen Empire.

Leaders of this brave RESISTANCE,
sworn to secrecy by the fragile
New Republic, have sent their
greatest pilot to the planet
of Jakku, unaware of the shadow
now rising to extinguish
the darkening stars…

I think one of Nev’s intentions was to make it explicit that SOME senators are clandestinely supporting the resistance - without the Republic officially supporting it.

That’s correct. It’s a tough line to walk, and takes up a lot of space in a crawl that needs every line.

Anyway, although the idea of the Resistance infiltrating First Order space to look for Luke is fun, it doesn’t really fit with the film as Eddie said, and it also feels a bit to bold of the timid Republic to do this. In thinking about how to structure this some more, perhaps discussing Luke’s students could serve as a bridge between the first and second paragraphs. This would also track with the events of the movies:

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of darkness.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With his former students
fleeing into the depths of
Imperial space, several in
the New Republic Senate
have secretly authorized
a daring task force to
resist the rising threat
of the evil FIRST ORDER,
heir to the fallen Empire.

Desperate for any clue to
Luke’s whereabouts, this
brave RESISTANCE has
sent its finest pilot to the
distant world of Jakku,
unaware that the shadow
of evil now darkens even
the farthest stars…

That’s tighter still, but I think the ‘former students’ line might imply that they’re going to be a feature of the trilogy, which they aren’t. Maybe a better angle would be to focus on the First Order somehow being more cohesive, extremist, and more of a threat than the other Imperial remnants? And/or something about the Republic not wanting to break the peace, hence the secrecy?

Something like-

“Not wanting to break the tenuous peace with the remnants of the former Empire, but fearing the rumoured rise of an extremist faction, several in the New Republic Senate have secretly authorized a daring task force to resist the rising threat.” -??

“Not wanting to break the tenuous peace with the remnants of the former Empire, several in the New Republic Senate have secretly authorized a daring task force to resist the rising threat of a rumoured extremist faction called the FIRST ORDER” -??

“Not wanting to break the tenuous peace, several in the New Republic Senate have secretly authorized a daring task force to resist the rising threat of the FIRST ORDER, a rumoured extremist remnant of the fallen Empire.” -??

You could maybe even bring something in to show that the Republic is largely demilitarised?

Good ideas all!

And VVPizza, I have to agree. I find myself constantly coming back to that line as the ending, which makes me think that an earlier formulation of the crawl could work with some adjustment.

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

Emboldened by the Jedi’s
absence, agents of the
IMPERIAL FIRST ORDER
have risen from a sinister
hidden base to proclaim
across the New Republic
that anyone who seeks
Luke Skywalker’s return
shall be destroyed.

In an act of RESISTANCE,
a band of rebels with the
support of the Republic
has sent its most daring
pilot to Jakku, desperate
to find the last Jedi and
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…

After so many attempts at figuring out a better way to explain the Republic’s relationship with the Resistance, it feels a bit silly to go back to the exact wording of the theatrical crawl, but I genuinely have no better answer. The Resistance is a paramilitary organization that is not sanctioned or directly controlled by the Republic, so it feels wrong to say that here. It genuinely seems to be the case that the Resistance gets by with only the tacit acceptance of the Republic. At least this way I can keep the pilot and Jakku lines, which I wasn’t able to fit in this prior incarnation of the crawl.

This means that this crawl checks basically all the boxes for me. The only potential issue is that there’s no direct statement of how the First Order arose from the Empire, but this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. One of the problems of the theatrical crawl was how the First Order could be so powerful after rising from the ‘ashes of the Empire’ in Luke’s absence, but if it is never established that the Empire has been completely destroyed then the First Order can be of any power level that a viewer wants to imagine, based on how completely they believe the Empire was defeated decades ago.