Hello Liambrazier,
I watched through your 15 minute preview on dropbox and have some feedback.
I really like you disclaimer card 😃
I have some suggestions for the crawl
Here’s the text from your current v1.1
The legacy of the Jedi has almost faded into myth. Continuing oppression in the common systems have crushed any thoughts of lasting hope for the galaxy.
A new FIRST ORDER have arisen from the ashes of the Empire. They now ready a giant weapon to finally wipe out the dissidents within the New Republic.
General Leia Organa leads a determined RESISTANCE, sending a pilot to a remote planet to retrieve vital information that could aid their cause. Information the First Order seeks out for themselves…
Here are some suggestions in italics
The legacy of the Jedi has has almost faded begun to fade into myth. Continuing oppression in the common systems have has crushed any thoughts of lasting hope for the galaxy.
A new FIRST ORDER have has arisen from the ashes of the Empire. They now ready a giant weapon to finally wipe out the dissidents of the galaxy, the New Republic.
General Leia Organa leads a determined RESISTANCE, sending a pilot to a remote planet to retrieve vital information that could aid their cause. Information the First Order seeks out for themselves…
These suggestions attempt to keep your original vision of the crawl while addressing somethings that either don’t sound Star Wars-y (imho) or are confusing to the reader.
(Grammar Nazi alert)
I know that the First Order implies many, but you began the sentence with A so it should be singular. It’s similar to the idea of Europeans are vs Europe is. Here it mirrors the latter example.
A similar instance occurs in the first paragraph. Continuing oppression has vs continuing oppressions have. The “in the common systems” is the where this occurs, so the has doesn’t link to it.
I like the hook of your first sentence. It does however make me question one of the premises of TFA. Does the whole galaxy believe the Jedi are a myth? I can understand Jakku and the rest of the outer rim, but 30 years is an extremely short amount of time. Not an issue so much with your crawl, but it is an interesting thought to consider. Your line echoes Rey’s later line “I thought he was a myth”, but I can’t believe the entire galaxy feels that way. Especially after Luke supposedly lead a galaxy wide Jedi search and was most likely linked to the formation of the New Republic.
One last nitpick. The crawl seems to fade out prematurely as it approaches the upper area of the screen. I know that JJ did this in TFA but I believe that was an error on his part.
Did you use JackPumpkinHead’s crawl creator?
I do like how your crawl is inferential rather than explicit. It lets the story tell itself rather than telling us completely what is going on.
Anyway, I like where your crawl is headed, Up Up and Away! 😉
I’ll download the whole preview and give further feedback asap.