I need to get this off my chest and write this out or else I will self implode.
It is late in the night and I have 8 hours of church activity tomorrow, which is not very fun. Especially when you do not believe in any of it and you are there because of your parents. But I needed to say this somewhere since I have stopped telling my friends about it.
Before I met the girl I dated recently, I had quite the feelings of disappointment in my life. I spent a lot of time working on homework to try to keep up with school. I have a pretty loaded schedule and have maintained a 4.0 at the sacrifice of my physical and mental health. I have enormous pressure from myself and my parents in this area of life. Then once I turned 16, my parents finally allowed me to date, under Mormon rules of course that was the correct protocol.
In Middle school, I talked to girls and all but had an abusive friend who ridiculed me and discouraged me anytime I tried to talk to girls. Slowly I lost that motivation and was following the Mormon rule of dating without even having to try. This friend of mine moved and that was definitely for the better. But the effects of his bullying remained and I still had no self confidence to talk to girls. It all got worse once I turned 16. My parents and my entire family instantly started pressuring me to go on as many dates as physically possible. I resisted because I simply was scared and had stopped believing in myself. For the first 6 months of me being 16, all I ever got was constant crap from my entire family that I wasn’t dating girls. I am a pretty fit dude who takes care of himself and I have many female friends who probably would love to go on a date with me, but I loathe myself to such a point, that I don’t care to take that leap of faith. And the pressure from my family just sent me into a sprial of self doubt and hate. I finally went to a school dance with all my friends, and afterwards, a outrageously beautiful girl texted me and said she would love to get to know me better.
I sat there, and for the first time in a while, decided to actually try. I am still surprised to this day that I made that choice.
From that point onward, we texted day and night. Her friends said she was interested in me. I set up a group thing for the weekend with her and we had such a good time together. We instantly clicked. Afterwards, she said all she wanted to do was to hang out with me more and that she really liked me. I felt the same way. We went to a movie. I held a girls hand for the first time. Then we went on another date and I had the nerve to kiss her. It was pretty awkward but I actually did that. I was becoming so hopeful and I got such strong feelings for her because she is so pretty and it was the first time I had been happy in a while. Then she said she started feeling down and depressed. I comforted her. Previously I asked to take her to the city for a fancy date and she was so excited. She had a dance competition that weekend so it would have to wait. But after that dance competition she just said that she was feeling awful and that she needed to focus on herself. I was devastated. I still am. And it’s been a month. But I realized that it’s something a lot more important and worse. This relationship was just a trigger. No one would be this sad for a month about that. I actually feel like I am over her. But not how I feel about myself and life.
Every day is fucking hell. I go to school and see everyone is so happy. Everyone seems to have been making out with someone or taking their girlfriend out on a cute date. I just see everyone so happy. And I feel empty. I hate myself. I literally have no self confidence. Any time someone ever even would try to insult me as a joke, I would just one-up them and use a worse word to describe myself. Then the person reassures me they’re joking and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I’m speaking of times when I joke around with some of the football players. I am on good terms with basically everyone at my school but am not super close with many people since I am an introvert or forces myself into extroverted activities all the time.
All in all…everything feels meaninglessness. I have not felt happy in the longest time. I simply am not passionate about anything or enjoy what I used to. I curse myself any time I have these thoughts cause I just feel like I am being a wussy. I just feel drained of any self esteem I may have had. I am now going to try drugs and see what that does. Might as well. I literally have given up on everything. It is beyond painful bottling this all up, not telling my friends, keeping a smile on my face, and continuing to try to do all my homework. I might get an A- in one of my classes and I will disappoint my whole family. If I don’t get a girlfriend soon again, I will disappoint them too. And I already know I will disappoint them in the long run of things when it comes to religion and not choosing to follow that path. My anxiety and depression is out of control and I’m just scared and worried.