This isn’t the most uplifting forum on the internet, but it’s better than some I’ve participated in. I explore the internet to be challenged in my beliefs and be exposed to other attitudes, and certainly this forum can be challenging.
I’ve made some mistakes and bad decisions in my life, but who hasn’t? I know that other people are dealing with their own problems and sometimes that spills out in forum posts, but that’s just human nature. I try not to meet anger with anger, since I believe that you receive what you give. I try to see the best in another person, since I would hope that they do the same, and if they don’t, then I try to move on. Sometimes these tendencies get me in trouble. Sometimes I do get angry with opinions online, so much so that I have to get up and walk away from the computer for a time. It’s not a particularly healthy response, but I’m working on it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about human nature this past year, especially considering our new political reality. I think that a whole lot of people have learned the wrong lesson from this political upheaval, which is that people are ultimately tribalistic, irrational, and can be fooled by anything. While this is a seductive and depressing interpretation, I don’t think it’s true. I believe that people are ultimately unified, imaginative, and reasonable, but our institutions are so fundamentally flawed that we are incentivized to behave far below our potential. Perhaps that’s my idealism showing again.
I have a dream for a better world. In comparison, my life is in such disarray that I feel like I need to start over in order to begin building this world, beginning with myself. I’ve been struggling with feelings of apathy, seeing the far horizon of the road I must walk, but there are moments of fierce determination as well. I fear that some of my choices have permanently damaged me physically, but in some strange way that also hardens my resolve. Similarly to the political trouble on the horizon, the path can become clearer when there is an obvious obstacle to overcome, something to focus my energy. I’ve had some serious anxiety issues over the past year, as well as one full blown panic attack, but since November these feelings have been fading with my newfound resolve, replaced with a refreshing calm.
I’m working on a book of philosophy now. It’s unabashedly autobiographical, about me and for me alone. Nobody else will read it, but I’m starting from the beginning, from first principles. Perhaps from that I will be able to write something good, something persuasive, something that I believe could change the world. The philosophy isn’t new, yet the way I approach the subject hasn’t been done before, at least as far as I know. Perhaps I will persuade no one, for who would listen to someone who has not even ordered their life? Yet there’s a part of me that believes that it could revolutionize both my life and the world of philosophical thought, and that is why I write.
Is that enough self reflection?
