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Jedi Master

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30-Mar-2003
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5-Jan-2007
Posts
421

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Post
#50999
Topic
Tony Randall Dies At 84
Time
Tony Randall, Fastidious Half of 'Odd Couple,' Dies at 84
Comic Actor Also Steered Effort to Bring Classic Theater Back to Broadway
By CHRISTY LEMIRE, AP



NEW YORK (May 18) - Tony Randall, the comic actor best-known for playing fastidious photographer Felix Unger on "The Odd Couple," has died. He was 84.

Randall, who developed pneumonia after undergoing heart bypass surgery in December, died in his sleep Monday night at NYU Medical Center, according to his publicity firm, Springer Associates.

Randall was hospitalized after starring for a month in "Right You Are," a revival of Luigi Pirandello's play by the National Actors Theatre, which he founded.

In a tribute to the actor, known for his work on stage as well as television, lights at all the Broadway theaters were to be dimmed at 8 p.m. Tuesday.

"Tony Randall's passion for live theatre was unmatched," Jed Bernstein, president of the League of American Theatres and Producers, said in a statement. "He was a vociferous advocate for the proposition that serious plays are the lifeblood of our culture."

Randall joked in September about how he envisioned his funeral: President Bush and Vice President Cheney would show up to pay their respects, but they'd be turned away because his family knows he didn't like them. During a speech to the National Funeral Directors Association, he said funerals should be planned as a celebration of life and "a touch of humor doesn't hurt a bit."

Randall won an Emmy for playing Unger opposite Jack Klugman's Oscar Madison on the sitcom based on Neil Simon's play and movie. The show ran from 1970-75, but Randall won after it had been canceled, prompting him to quip at the awards ceremony: "I'm so happy I won. Now if I only had a job."

The show's charm sprang from Randall's chemistry and conflict with Oscar, the sloppy sportswriter he's forced to share an apartment with after both men get divorced.

Before that, Randall was best-known as the fussbudget pal in several Rock Hudson-Doris Day movies, including 1959's "Pillow Talk" and 1961's "Lover Come Back."

The actor became a fixture on David Letterman's late-night talk shows, appearing a record 70 times on the "Late Show" alone. He made fun of his own prim image by taking part in Letterman's wacky antics, including allowing himself to be covered in mud.

And in 1993, when Conan O'Brien took over the time slot at NBC that Letterman had vacated for a new show at CBS, Randall was a guest on O'Brien's debut episode.

After "The Odd Couple," Randall had two short-lived sitcoms, one of which was "The Tony Randall Show," in which he played a stuffy Philadelphia judge, from 1976-78.

From 1981-83, he played the title role in the sitcom "Love, Sidney," as a single, middle-aged commercial artist helping a female friend care for her young daughter.


Entertainment Weekly says Randall was more than Felix Unger. Details


The show was based on a TV movie in which Sidney was gay; in the TV show, the character's sexual orientation was implied, but never specified. This occurred more than a decade before the much-hyped coming-out on "Ellen" in 1997, which made Ellen DeGeneres' character the first openly gay central figure on a network series.

For his television work, Randall got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 1998.

In an effort to bring classic theater back to Broadway, Randall founded and was artistic director of the nonprofit National Actors Theatre in 1991, using $1 million of his own money and $2 million from corporations and foundations. The company's first production was a revival of Arthur Miller's "The Crucible," starring Martin Sheen and Michael York, which hadn't been staged on Broadway in 40 years.

The next year, Randall's production of Ibsen's "The Master Builder" didn't exactly draw raves. AP Drama Critic Michael Kuchwara called it "deadly earnest - and dull."

Subsequent performances included "Night Must Fall," "The Gin Game" and "The Sunshine Boys," in which Randall reunited with Klugman, in 1998. Randall also starred in his company's Tony Award-winning staging of "M. Butterfly."

The actor also was socially active, lobbying against smoking in public places, marching in Washington against apartheid in the '80s, and helping raise money for AIDS research in the '90s.

Born Leonard Rosenberg on Feb. 26, 1920, Randall was drawn as a teenager to roadshows that came through his hometown of Tulsa, Okla.

"One night, the entire town turned out to see the Ballet Russe de Monte Carlo perform Swan Lake and Sheherezade," he wrote. "I - and most of the audience - had never seen a ballet before. We stood and cheered, thinking it was a 'once in a lifetime' event."

Randall attended Northwestern University before heading to New York at 19, where he made his stage debut in 1941 in "The Circle of Chalk."

You Said It

After Army service during World War II from 1942-46, he returned to New York, where he appeared on radio and early television. He got his start in movies in 1957.

He was married to his college sweetheart, Florence Randall, for 54 years until she died of cancer in 1992.

"I saw her in a bank - I never saw another girl in my life. She was gorgeous, the most beautiful girl I ever saw," Randall said in a TV interview in 1995.

Later that year, he married Heather Harlan, who was 50 years his junior. Randall met her through his National Actors Theatre; former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani performed the ceremony.

Randall is survived by his second wife - who made him a father for the first time at age 77 - and their two children, 7-year-old Julia Laurette and 5-year-old Jefferson Salvini.


05/18/04 12:36 EDT

Copyright 2004 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.
Post
#50826
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Time
The Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere!
10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
--------------------------------------------------------------

Father O'Malley

Every once in awhile you hear a good CLEAN joke that you feel obligated topass along, and this is one of them.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
-------------------------------------------------------------

The New Pastor

The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

So the pastor took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back, and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins... "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads... "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
------------------------------------------------------------

Confession

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman. The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" Yes, Father, it is." And who was the woman you were with?" I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
------------------------------------------------------------

Who's Footing The Bill?

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his medical services.

He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."

The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
------------------------------------------------------------

Note On The Door

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
------------------------------------------------------------

The Dying Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
------------------------------------------------------------

The Preacher
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The
preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the
preacher's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd and said ....

"HAVING CHILDREN IS AN ACT OF GOD!"

In the back of the room, a little old man stood up.

In his frail voice said ....

"SNOW AND RAIN ARE ALSO ACTS OF GOD, BUT WHEN
WE GET TOO MUCH, WE WEAR RUBBERS."

Have A Great Day
Wear Your Rubbers During Acts Of God
------------------------------------------------------------

WD-40

There was this couple that was wanting a child. They had prayed and prayed. One night while they were praying the Lord answered them and said that they would have a child but they had to go to their preacher and get him to pray for them. They knew that it was late, but they went to see the preacher that night. They knocked on the door and the preacher opened the door. When they told him that the Lord had said they were going to have a child but that they had to get him to pray for them, The preacher told his wife to go and get the oil so he could annoint them and pray for them. His wife hunted the house over and couldn't find the oil. She finally came back with a can of 3 in 1 oil. She said she was sorry but that's all she could find. The preacher said that the Lord would honor the oil. So he anointed them and prayed for them.
9 months later the preacher received a call telling him to come to the hospital that they were having the baby. The preacher told his wife and then went to the hospital. When he arrived there stood the proud father looking at 3 babies. The preacher said OH NO. The father said "That's OK preacher, just be glad that you didn't annoint us with the WD-40"
Post
#50825
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Time
A True Story

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE... ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY"STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY.
Post
#50824
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Time
Be Strong

A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
------------------------------------------------------------------

Stress Management

In case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works...

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A Good Husband

How 'bout this one?! Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free Speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat... It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Post
#50822
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Time
Hangover Rating System

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer! Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.
Post
#50821
Topic
Van Helsing
Time
Quote

Originally posted by: Bossk
Kate Beckinsale in that corset would be my only reason to see this movie. I love her.

As for the Van Helsing movies... The London Assignment is already out in stores, JM.


I know, I have it. What I meant was when the live-action movie playing in the theaters comes out on video, I'll buy it.
Post
#50515
Topic
Warming to Cause Catastrophic Rise in Sea Level?
Time
Quote

Originally posted by: Bossk
I think people should just live their lives. If they are going to die or the world is going to end, so be it. Don't live your life trying to prepare for some fictionalized end of days. If you're going to die, you're going to die. I doubt you'll ever be able to stop it.


Actually Bossk, people are at least partially responsible for the global warming. The companies have helped cut down on the depletion of the ozone layer by no longer adding chlorofluorocarbons (CFC's) to their aerosol sprays. Unfortunately, that's the only thing that has changed. There are plenty of people who still send most of their garbage to a landfill and litter the rest on the ground. In either case, that garbage turns to methane over time and poisons both your ground water and the air you breathe. All of this could be avoided, but unfortunately, there are still far too many people in the world who don't give a rat's ass. Thus, Mother Earth is purging her problem. The human race!
Post
#50510
Topic
May 19th Avoid Gas Buying
Time
Subject: May 19th Avoid Gas Buying

IT HAS BEEN CALCULATED THAT IF EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES DID NOT PURCHASE A DROP OF GASOLINE FOR ONE DAY AND ALL AT THE SAME TIME, THE OIL COMPANIES WOULD CHOKE ON THEIR STOCKPILES.

AT THE SAME TIME IT WOULD HIT THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY WITH A NET LOSS OF OVER 4.6 BILLION DOLLARS WHICH AFFECTS THE BOTTOM LINES OF THE OIL COMPANIES.

THEREFORE MAY 19TH HAS BEEN FORMALLY DECLARED "STICK IT TO THEM" DAY AND THE PEOPLE OF THIS NATION SHOULD NOT BUY A SINGLE DROP OF GASOLINE THAT DAY.

THE ONLY WAY THIS CAN BE DONE IS IF YOU FORWARD THIS E-MAIL TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN AND AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN TO GET THE WORD OUT.

WAITING ON THIS ADMIINSTRATION TO STEP IN AND CONTROL THE PRICES IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REDUCTION AND CONTROL IN PRICES THAT THE ARAB NATIONS PROMISED TWO WEEKS AGO?

REMEMBER ONE THING, NOT ONLY IS THE PRICE OF GASOLINE GOING UP BUT AT THE SAME TIME AIRLINES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES, TRUCKING COMPANIES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES WHICH EFFECTS PRICES ON EVERYTHING THAT IS SHIPPED. THINGS LIKE FOOD, CLOTHING, BUILDING MATERIALS, MEDICAL SUPPLIES ETC. WHO PAYS IN THE END? WE DO!

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. IF THEY DON'T GET THE MESSAGE AFTER ONE DAY, WE WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.

SO DO YOUR PART AND SPREAD THE WORD. FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW. MARK YOUR CALENDARS AND MAKE MAY 19TH A DAY THAT THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES SAY "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
Post
#50343
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Time
Q: When does an Al Quaida boy become a man?
A: When his diaper moves from his ass to his head.

Q: Why did the cop plant cheerios in his garden?
A: He thought they were donut seeds.

Q: What's the three best ways to spread a rumor?
A: Telegraph, telephone, and tell a girl.

Q: What's the best thing to give an 80 year old woman for her Birthday?
A: Mikey! He'll eat anything.

Q. What is sex like in a nursing home?
A. Depends!
Post
#50340
Topic
Jokes thread : Reloaded
Time
All of the other jokes are gone? What a shame! Oh well, here's a few.

Computer Skills

If you ever feel stupid in dealing with your computer, READ this found in a recent Wall Street article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is.

2. SAT technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another SAT customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer."

6. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

7. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

8. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

9. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and had snapped it off the drive.

10. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.

11. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen, now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Now don't you feel better about your skill level?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How To Bathe A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

P.S. .....and your toilet bowl comes out bright and sparkling, too! Gets into those "hard-to-reach" places that most conventional toilet bowl brushes miss. And best of all.... IT'S FREE ! ! !
Post
#50338
Topic
The Legend Of Zelda
Time
Here is an article from http://games.channel.aol.com/previews.adp?articleID=235679&gameID=15291 and the text is below in case you can't load the web page(s).

The Legend of Zelda E3 2004 Preshow Impressions

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Link is back to his old self (meaning, he's in his teens) in a brand-new trailer for the next Legend of Zelda game for the GameCube. Read our impressions.



Though last year's The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker was by all accounts a resounding success, the game's unusual graphical style left many wondering if Nintendo would ever revert back to the Zelda series' signature visuals. Consider the official answer "yes." As part of Nintendo's annual E3 press conference, it showed off a new trailer of the next (currently untitled) game in the Legend of Zelda series, which featured an older, more mature Link than the one found in The Wind Waker.

Link, in this next Zelda game, incidentally looks a lot like how he does in the GameCube version of Namco's 2003 fighting game, Soul Calibur II.

The brief trailer, which is set to the same stirring operatic theme featured in the Arnold Schwarzenneger classic, Conan The Barbarian, begins with a few quick shots of different lands, times, and weather. Apparently this is Hyrule, the traditional setting of the Zelda series. Following that, there's a lot of footage of Link battling it out on horseback, a sequence interspersed with shots of a dark army rising up from on the horizon--it seems that Link will have quite a battle on his hands.

More brief snippets of on-foot combat revealed that Link will have many of his familiar moves. He can deflect opponents' projectiles with his shield and he can execute spinning and jumping slashes. And, just as in the last few Zelda offerings, a successful slash causes the screen to pause dramatically for a moment.

Link was finally shown squaring off against a towering, demonic opponent, armed with a huge morning star. (The balrog from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring immediately springs to mind here.) Between action scenes, the trailer flashed some brief slogans such as "blades will bleed," indicating the darker tone of this next installment in the series.

The graphical quality of this next Zelda is certainly impressive to behold, though naturally it isn't as stylistically distinctive as that of The Wind Waker. Still, longtime fans of the franchise will certainly be thrilled to see the series returning to its Nintendo 64 roots (as opposed to its 8-bit roots). We'll have more information on the game as soon as possible. For now, feast your eyes on the trailer.


Post
#48913
Topic
Pink Panther
Time
The people in Hollywood obviously don't believe in the old saying "Don't fix it if it isn't broken." I've yet to hear about a remake of a movie that bombed at theaters being made. It's only if a movie is successful, that they are considered for doing a remake. That's what I don't understand. It should be the other way around.
Post
#47673
Topic
Star Wars...The TV series!!
Time
Quote

Originally posted by: mrbarbar
I can’t understand why everyone is disregarding this idea at so early a stage of its development. Nothing has been confirmed. No one is attached to it, writers, actors, directors. Nothing is known about it at all. Yet people are all ready saying ‘I don’t like the sound of this’ What is wrong with you all? This type of reaction never happens when a new novel is announced, or graphic book. However, if it turns out to be a new ‘animated show’, that would seem to have the thumbs up of approval? Can anybody please offer a good reason to disregard the notion of this project, without using phrases like ‘dude’ & ‘sucks’? I await with baited breath, for your no doubt amusing replies.


What do you mean "Everyone"? I didn't disregard the idea. I said I would give it a fair chance.
Post
#47243
Topic
Warming to Cause Catastrophic Rise in Sea Level?
Time
Here's an interesting article from National Geographic.com. Click the link to see the article with pictures and everything.

Quote

Warming to Cause Catastrophic Rise in Sea Level?

Stefan Lovgren
for National Geographic News
Updated April 26, 2004


Most scientists agree that global warming presents the greatest threat to the environment.
There is little doubt that the Earth is heating up. In the last century the average temperature has climbed about 0.6 degrees Celsius (about 1 degree Fahrenheit) around the world.

From the melting of the ice cap on Mount Kilimanjaro, Africa's tallest peak, to the loss of coral reefs as oceans become warmer, the effects of global warming are often clear.

However, the biggest danger, many experts warn, is that global warming will cause sea levels to rise dramatically. Thermal expansion has already raised the oceans 4 to 8 inches (10 to 20 centimeters). But that's nothing compared to what would happen if, for example, Greenland's massive ice sheet were to melt.

Using computer models, scientists have created a series of maps that show areas susceptible to rises in sea level. The above map shows that a 6-meter (20-foot) rise would swamp Miami, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa, and the entire Florida coastline, in addition to parts of Orlando and other inland areas.

Image created by Jonathan Overpeck and Jeremy Weiss, courtesy University of Arizona Department of Geosciences Environmental Studies Laboratory

"The consequences would be catastrophic," said Jonathan Overpeck, director of the Institute for the Study of Planet Earth at the University of Arizona in Tucson. "Even with a small sea level rise, we're going to destroy whole nations and their cultures that have existed for thousands of years."

Overpeck and his colleagues have used computer models to create a series of maps that show how susceptible coastal cities and island countries are to the sea rising at different levels. The maps show that a 1-meter (3-foot) rise would swamp cities all along the U.S. eastern seaboard. A 6-meter (20-foot) sea level rise would submerge a large part of Florida.

Uncertainties

Just as the evidence is irrefutable that temperatures have risen in the last century, it's also well established that carbon dioxide in the Earth's atmosphere has increased about 30 percent, enhancing the atmosphere's ability to trap heat.

The exact link, if any, between the increase in carbon dioxide emissions and the higher temperatures is still under debate.

Most scientists believe that humans, by burning fossil fuels such as coal and petroleum, are largely to blame for the increase in carbon dioxide. But some scientists also point to natural causes, such as volcanic activity.

"Many uncertainties surround global warming," said Ronald Stouffer at the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's Geophysical Fluid Dynamics Laboratory in Princeton, New Jersey. "How much of it would still occur if humans were not modifying the climate in any way?"

The current rate of warning is unprecedented, however. It is apparently the fastest warming rate in millions of years, suggesting it probably is not a natural occurrence. And most scientists believe the rise in temperatures will in fact accelerate. The United Nations-sponsored Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change reported in 2001 that the average temperature is likely to increase by between 1.4 and 5.8 degrees Celsius (2.5 and 10.4 degrees Fahrenheit) by the year 2100.

The climate change is likely to impact ecosystems, agriculture, and the spread of disease. An international study published in the science journal Nature earlier this year predicted that climate change could drive more than a million species towards extinction by the year 2050.

"Global warming is a serious threat to biodiversity," said Jay Malcolm, a forestry professor at the University of Toronto. "As climates warm, more southerly species will begin appearing further north, and species that occur at lower altitudes will start showing up at higher altitudes … species will find themselves in habitats where they don't belong."

Underwater

Glaciers and sea ice in both the Northern and Southern Hemispheres are already melting at a rapid pace, placing animals like polar bears at risk.

"Polar bears are entirely dependent on sea ice," Malcolm said. "You lose sea ice, you lose polar bears."

So far, the rise in sea level is because warmer water takes up more room than colder water, which makes sea levels go up, a process known as thermal expansion.

"The real question is what's going to happen to Greenland and Antarctica," Stouffer said. "That's where the bulk of all the fresh water is tied up."

A recent Nature study suggested that Greenland's ice sheet will begin to melt if the temperature there rises by 3 degrees Celsius (5.4 degrees Fahrenheit). That is something many scientists think is likely to happen in another hundred years.

The complete melting of Greenland would raise sea levels by 7 meters (23 feet). But even a partial melting would cause a one-meter (three-foot) rise. Such a rise would have a devastating impact on low-lying island countries, such as the Indian Ocean's Maldives, which would be entirely submerged.

Densely populated areas like the Nile Delta and parts of Bangladesh would become uninhabitable, potentially driving hundreds of millions of people from their land.

A one-meter sea level rise would wreak particular havoc on the Gulf Coast and eastern seaboard of the United States.

"No one will be free from this," said Overpeck, whose maps show that every U.S. East Coast city from Boston to Miami would be swamped. A one-meter sea rise in New Orleans, Overpeck said, would mean "no more Mardi Gras."

Other scientists emphasize that such doomsday scenarios may be hundreds of years in the future.

"You can't say with any certainty that sea level rises are going to have a huge impact on society," Stouffer said. "Who knows what the planet will look like 500 years from now?"

Future Generations

Most climate scientists, however, agree that global warming is a threat that has gone unchecked for too long.

"Is society aware of the seriousness of climate warning? I don't think so," said Marianne Douglas, a geology professor at the University of Toronto. "If we were, we'd all be leading our lives differently. We'd see a society that embraced alternative sources of energy, with less dependency on fossil fuels."

Overpeck says passing on the problem of global warming to future generations is like ignoring a government budget deficit. "Except with the deficit, there are economic mechanisms that could be put in place to get out of the large deficit," he said. "With sea level rise, there's really no technological way to put the ice back on Greenland."