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The Second Clone War — Page 2

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The Hawk comes out of hyperspace in the Arkanis sector. Yoodie pulls the ship into realspace to avoid collision with the high-energy particles of the D'Anjon Nebula. That would have ended the trip real quick.

The Nebula provides a colorful background. The enormous green ribbons of plasma illuminate the interior of the Hawk where viewports are present.

To pass the time, Ben and Nellith play a round of Sabacc in the ship's common room. The Jedi notices a curious phenomenon: a Force presence that she did not detect in the cantina on Taris. Could it be that the old man was a Force-sensitive all along?

Nellith probes this question during their Sabacc game by attuning her Force senses to Ben's mind. She searches for tell-tale signs of precognition, such as ending a round with an impossibly good hand of cards. The Sentinel detects no such signs from the old spice pilot, though this only increases her curiosity.

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Another thing is that I'm intending for this prequel trilogy to take place in the same universe as my sequel trilogy. There will be noticeable links between all three trilogies by the time I'm done.

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Nellith and Ben are having a jovial time. The old man has a way with words that runs contrary to his weary-looking exterior. He has spent years in space because he has the spirit of a true pilot. A pilot who never truly lands.

The passage of the Hawk through the D'Anjon Nebula is interrupted by a holo-scanner reading in the cockpit. Yoodie alerts Ben over the ship's comm system. The vessel fits the profile of an AEG-77 Vigo-class gunship. Ben and Nellith rush to the bridge.

The gunship fires its secondary ion thrusters to catch up to the Hawk

Ben hails the gunship. "Vigo-class vessel, you are flying on a collision course. Please respond."

The gunship crew does not respond with any words. A seem opens up in the craft's durasteel hull, revealing a heavy ion cannon.

"Repeat, Vigo-class vessel, you are on a collision course with this ship. We require that you stand down." Ben flips off the comm switch. He turns to Nellith. "No way these guys are from the Republic."

"What makes you say that?" Nellith asks with an air of sarcasm.

"At least the Republic's nice enough to tell you why you're busted before they blow you away."

The gunship fires a half dozen bolts from its heavy ion cannon. Ben responds with surprising speed, urging Yoodie to redirect shields to counter the attack.

Five blue bolts of energy smash against the shield deployed by the Hawk, draining the shield generator's power supply. The last bolt scores a hit on the freighter's hull. The ship's silhouette is briefly surrounded by arcs of lightning.

Inside the Hawk, the two crew members are briefly submerged in pitch-black darkness. Then the auxiliary power kicks in, flooding the vessel's interior with flashing yellow emergency lights.

"Yoodie! Come in, Yoodie!" Ben hollers.

Yoodie has been rendered silent by the ion attack.

Ben turns to Nellith. "I hope you're good with a blaster, because it looks like we're about to be boarded." He whips out a pistol from his belt holster.

Nellith produces a silver lightsaber hilt. "I don't need a blaster."

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We're about to come into our first real action scene of the movie, and indeed the entire series. Thoughts?

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I like the lightsaber introduction. It may be better if there was an action scene previously where only blasters were used, to illustrate that they were the primary weapons in this war, but this is good too. My prequels will be largely without the lightsaber for this reason.

I like the use of ion cannons as well. It would be neat to have the gravity go off for a few seconds, to drive home the fact that they are in deep space.

Some of the exposition in this scene, like the "No way these guys are from the Republic" bit seem out of place, for someone who catches the sarcasm wouldn't explain further. It seems like you want someone who doesn't know this universe to be on board, but all of the characters so far are "in the know", and are not available for basic universe exposition. I don't know how to solve this problem, except for making one of the characters, perhaps the computer, more ignorant of the galaxy's workings.

All rather nitpicky, as nothing's really wrong so far. Full speed ahead I say!

You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)

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Perhaps in the next draft of this story, I will introduce the Clones as a threatening presence by having them dispose of a few rakghouls on Taris.

 

NG, I like your ion cannon idea. Here is how I would write it: Nellith and Ben float around for a few seconds. It takes their inner ears an entire minute to adjust to the sudden lack of gravity (it would have taken a lot longer than that if they were not both experienced spacers). Ben rushes to a console that provides auxiliary power. He works with urgency so that the radiation level inside the ship does not reach a dangerous threshold (because of all the high-energy particles zipping around in the D'Anjon Nebula).

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The gunship matches speed with the Hawk. An extendable metallic tube reaches from the underside of the attack vessel to the roof of the freighter's hull. The end of the tube makes contact with the hardened durasteel of the Hawk's epidermis. Inside the Hawk, the sounds of metal slicing through metal can be heard from several compartments away.

In the cockpit, Ben says, "Sounds like they're coming in through cargo bay Echo."

"This is not just another bunch of pirates. They must be here for what I've brought with me," Nellith says.

"And where is that?"

"Cargo bay Gamma. That should buy us some time while they search for it."

Ben and Nellith rush out of the cockpit in tandem, weapons at the ready. Ben says, "If we make it out of this in one piece, you're going to tell me what's so kriffing important about that thing!"

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Cargo bay Echo's ceiling springs a large circular hole after emitting many noisy sparks. A small section of the hull drops off and lands with a thud, followed by a rope. One by one, ten Clones drop down and scan the area with their blaster rifles. Dagor Fett and Demorre Kro are the last two to appear. The eight Clone Minors' eyes are covered by reflective holo-visors, their mouths obscured by enviro-sealed breathing masks. Fett and Kro, the two Clone Majors, wear enviro-sealed helmets, their bodies fully encased in combat armor.

Using the inter-helmet comm system connected to their cranial implants, Fett and Kro each allocate four Clone Minors for their escort. With unspeaking, machine-like efficiency, the ten Clones split into two groups to search for the artifact.

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Ben and Nellith enter the cavernously-large cargo bay Delta. The ceiling is over twenty feet above their heads, racked with illuminator units and speaker ports for Yoodie. Cargo crates cover most of the walls. An old speeder bike rests in shambles in one corner, accompanied by a GNK utility droid pacing slowly around its wreck.

The "gonk" sound of the utility droid is cut short by a volley of blaster fire from Demorre Kro and his squad of Clone Minors. Ben takes cover behind a detached section of hull resting on the ground, then he returns fire. Nellith ignites her lightsaber. A golden blade extends above her head just in time to deflect a blaster bolt back to its origin. A Clone Minor falls after being hit with his own blaster bolt, his armor blemished by a smoldering impact mark.

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A flurry of blaster bolts rains down upon Nellith and Ben's position. At least twice each are they nearly hit by the Clones' projectiles. Ben reaches out of cover with well-practiced dexterity, sending a bolt of energy directly through the torso of a Clone Minor. Nellith briefly runs along a wall in order to get into attack position on the remaining pair of Clone Minors. She disposes of them both with a wide swipe of her lightsaber. Two bodies hit the floor the moment she turns her head to focus on her next target, Demorre Kro.

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Demorre Kro wields a pair of heavy blaster pistols. He fires a volley of shots at Nellith as she charges towards the Mandalorian. She weaves in and out of his firing cone and deflects his shots seemingly by reflex. When the Jedi reaches point blank range with her attacker, she cleaves both of his weapons in two with a swing of  her golden blade. Sparks fly out the ends of Demorre's blasters, forcing him to deploy a vibro-sword from the scabbard on his back. He takes a swing at Nellith on the side opposite her lightsaber. She rolls aside to avoid the blow. Demorre gets ready to attack Nellith when suddenly a pair of blaster bolts impacts the Clone Major in the stomach. He falls over for good.

Some distance away, behind a few crates, Ben's blaster bears a smoking tip. 

"That's quite a fancy laser sword, Nel. How much do you think the Hutts will pay for one of those?" he asks with a smile.

"There aren't enough credits in the entire galaxy," she replies.

The two fighters proceed to cargo bay Gamma.

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I'm trying to set up witty banter between our heroes in the midst of battle. That was something I really enjoyed as a kid watching the big shootouts in the OT.

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Cargo bay Gamma extends cavernously outward from the group of Clones searching for Nellith's Holocron. A sharp tip of one of Dagor Fett's vibro-daggers lips out to either side of his silhouette with every step he takes. A Clone Minor is sifting through a pile of spare parts and small cubic containers. He finds a plain brown cloth bag, undoing the knot tied to secure the mouth of the bag. Peering in, he sees the precious cargo that is his duty to obtain.

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The Clone Minor wraps the bag up again and slings it over his shoulder. He pauses when he hears movement in a pile of junk up ahead.

Hiding behind a large durasteel plate taken from the hull of a landspeeder, Anakin Skywalker sits crouched with one hand over his mouth and another hand clutching a fusion cutter. His ears are tightly focused on the nearest Clone.

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How's the fighting so far? I'm trying to make them decisive and to the point, not exhaustively drawn out for toy-making purposes. At the same time I'm trying to efficiently communicate the power levels of the fighters involved. So, thoughts?

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I really like the reveal of Anakin. Trying to remember Anakin's introduction in TPM, I really had to think a minute. He was just part of Watto's shop, saying really awkward exposition. Your version of Anakin so far, simply by making him a stowaway, says a lot about the character without him saying a word. This is how Anakin should be written.

When you said that that Nellith ran along a wall, I pictured Matrix-esque Trinity antics. That kind of image is fine, but be careful that it doesn't become like CG Yoda bouncing off the walls.

As to how the fight is going, I'd just say that for an enemy to be menacing they need to kill some heroes, or at least drive them back to show their superiority. In the first minutes of Star Wars, we saw Rebel troops mowed down by the dozens by the clearly superior Stormtroopers. Of course, the rest of the movies tried their best to prove this image wrong, but it sets the tone effectively. I worry that we don't really get that feeling here. Not that the Mandalorians must be this deadly, but it seems like now is not the place for witty banter. What is our heroe's game plan, precisely? Are they trying to kill all of the clones? Are they trying to get the Holocron first? How do they expect to "get out of this alive", exactly? This is not so much criticism as much as wondering aloud. I look forward to seeing how this is resolved.

You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
Episode 9 Rewrite, The Starlight Project (Released!) and ANH Technicolor Project (Released!)

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"Come out with your hands up!" the Clone Minor yells, training his rifle on the storage alcove where he heard the noise.

Dagor Fett turns to the Clone Minor. "What the blast are you doing? Bring that over here, Clone. We weren't ordered to kill mynocks."

The Clone Minor takes a few steps backward with his weapon still at the ready.

Behind the plate, Anakin Skywalker's eyes are wide open. The young man's pulse is pounding. He is ready for anything. He tightens his grip on the fusion cutter.

The Minor turns to his squad leader and hands him the plain brown cloth bag. Dagor Fett opens the bag and extracts its precious cargo.

In the cramped alcove, Anakin catches a view of the Clone party. He sees the Mandalorians in a reflection from the lens of an old holo-projector unit.

The object in Dagor Fett's hand is about the size of his war helm. It is pyramidal in shape, adorned with ornate runes and bas-relief artwork. Small slits running parallel to the base of the pyramid let out a faint orange glow.

Fett takes a moment to examine the mysterious object. What kind of energy could be contained in this? Would the master really deploy them this far away from Mandalore just to retrieve a battery?

The runes on the artifact's surface appear to be...alive. They repeatedly shift shape to spell out messages in some long-forgotten language, starkly defiant of the pyramid's rocky composition. Fett feels the artifact getting heavier, as if it does not want to be in his possession.

"This fits the master's description. He will be most pleased with our finding," Fett says. "Time to extract." He drops the pyramid into the bag and ties a knot around the bag's mouth.

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What do you guys look for in your prequel trilogy rewrite's introduction of Anakin Skywalker?

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Seeing that the Clones are moving away, Anakin takes the opportunity to rush to a different piece of cover. In the spur of the moment, he conceives of a plan to locate a shuttle on this freighter and use it to escape to the closest habitable world to the D'Anjon Nebula: Tattooine.

 

But a block of permacrete is displaced by his movement, landing on the floor with an echoing *THUD*.

 

Now the Clones have no doubt that they are being watched. Fett orders a Minor to investigate the disturbance, the same Clone who found the bag. The Clone holds his blaster rifle in firing position as he crouch-walks towards the source of the sound. 

 

Peering into the darkness, he is momentarily blinded by a flash of golden light. Then he is eviscerated across the abdomen by Nellith Lars' lightsaber.

 

The other Mandalorian Clones immediately open fire on the Jedi, but they in turn are flanked by Ben. The old man scurries in behind the Clones and tags two of them in the back.

 

The remaining Clone Minor provides covering fire while he and sergeant Fett make a beeline to their gunship, with Nellith's artifact in the bag slung over his shoulder. Nellith uses her Force-augmented speed to catch up to the two Clones with incredible speed, almost faster than Ben's eyes can perceive.

 

The Jedi makes a rapid thrust towards the nearest Clone, skewering the Mandalorian right through the solar plexus. Fett taps a button on his wrist gauntlet and takes aim at the Jedi nearby. A potent jet of flame spews forth, enveloping Nellith's Jedi robes in flames the same color as her lightsaber. Nellith is distracted from attacking Fett because she is forced to undo her robe while it is on fire, exposing her black tunic and pants. 

 

Fett rushes away from his occupied opponent and takes a shot at Ben, who is driven into cover by the accuracy of Fett's blast. One of Fett's hands is wielding a heavy blaster pistol while the other is gripping the mouth of the bag slung over his shoulder. He makes a mad dash to the nearest blast door, retracing his steps back to the gunship.

 

Ben looks around behind the power generator where he is taking cover and sees a control panel. Drawing on his extensive knowledge of the ship's subsystems, he opens the control panel, dials down the power setting on his blaster and shoots a bolt through part of the databoard.

 

Fett collides head-on with the blast door just after it slams shut.

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Ben blind-fires on Fett's position several times, but only a single bolt scores a glancing hit off of the Mandalorian's armor suit. Fett flips a switch on his chest dial and a pair of small rocket thrusters deploy from armor's rear shell. He bolts across the upper part of the cargo bay like a shooting star, disappearing into the dark recesses of pile after pile of scrap metal.

 

Nellith has recovered from the flame attack. She stands up to face the direction where Fett was last seen, attuning her Force senses to detect the Clone's intentions. Her eyes are shut as she probes the darkness with her mind. The Jedi takes several cautious steps forward.

 

Out of the darkness, she senses the Mandalorian whipping out with his mind, preparing an imminent attack. She turns to face the threat with her lightsaber flicked on. But the Clone's vibro daggers do not make contact with her flesh. Instead, Fett convulses and drops to the ground, his silhouette covered in arcs of lightning. His demise illuminates the dark alcove.

 

Rushing out into the light of the main cargo bay floor is a teenaged boy holding a live fusion cutter. Ben requires a double take to realize that he is looking at the infamous swoop racer Anakin Redblade.

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"Hey, kid! Watch where you're swinging that!" Ben says as he ducks out of the way of Anakin's second strike with the fusion cutter.

The young man turns around regards the two figures with steely eyes. Recognizing no impulse to counter-attack, he stops brandishing the fusion cutter. Nellith disengages her lightsaber and says, "You're safe. We took care of the others. You can relax now."

Anakin's breathing still runs a little ragged, his hair unkempt from all the action. He sighs and asks after a long pause, "Where are we?"

"The D'Anjon Nebula of the Arkanis sector, heading for the Outer Rim. What is your name?"

Ben interjects, "Why, you're Anakin Redblade! I never thought I'd lay my own two eyes on you. I once gambled away a fortune betting against you, kid."

"Skywalker," the young one finally says.

"What?"

"My name is Anakin Skywalker. And you are Captain...?"

"Clever little guy we have here. Captain Cortel, but you can call me Ben," the old smuggler replies.

Anakin turns to the Jedi Sentinel. The two lock eyes for a second before commencing conversation. She senses a tempest of mystical energies whirling behind his eyes. The Force is strong with this one.

"My name is Nellith Lars. I am a Jedi."

Anakin wears a look of faint recognition mixed with incredulity. "Jedi? Those are real?"

Nellith smiles and says, "Very much so. Let's get you patched up. You've had a busy day."