Lots of love from an Internet friend. Obviously my feelings don’t matter too much since we’ve never met, but you truly are in my prayers, Warbler.
no, They do matter. Thanks.
So I started seeing another new psychologist. He’s an OCD specialist. I have to admit, I’m not huge on his methods, but he’s the professional. He wants me to exposure therapy; make a list of things that upset me in a hierarchy, start exposing myself to the least stressful ones for a while to acclimate myself and work up. It’s a pretty well-known treatment method. I’m still not sure if this is really OCD; I think there’s something else going on. But he’s the professional. Sometimes I’m OK, sometimes I’m not. And there’s still the issue of the depression; I slept in until noon again today and am
Eating less. But it’s his job to make me feel better, not to make me feel good. I’ll give him a few more sessions. I still think looking into different medication might help, but I’m worried I’m putting too much faith in that. I could just be too much of a cowardly piece of shit to face my problems and do the therapy. That’s a possibility. But I think that issue is more what the existential obsessions get at than just the anxiety itself. When I feel OK, my posts almost seem hyperbolic and foolish. My last therapist probably had the right idea about looking at other problems in my life too. It’s just so much. I’ve been having fucking anxiety attacks thinking about the therapy. The guy’s a bit more intense (which is his job) though he’s warm and kind. I’ve still barely watched any of my stuff on the DVR. I haven’t watch any of the videos since Monday though, so that’s good. I think I’m too much of a coward to do what he says: start keeping a journal, starting pushing hard to do the exposure therapy. Even a small step feels so fucking hard for me. I’m such a fuck up.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
I’ve still barely watched any of my stuff on the DVR. I haven’t watch any of the videos since Monday though, so that’s good.
It is good. Think back to when you first started posting on this topic. It would have seemed unthinkable that you could be doing that much. Sorry to Labour the physical illness angle but if you had heart disease or cancer you wouldn’t be thinking yourself a failure or a coward. You are unwell with an illness which has a lot of unjustified stigma attached to it. Not only are you actively seeking help, you are openly talking about it. You are the counter opposite of a coward. You are a competent and courageous person coping with an unpleasant and difficult to treat disease that most people don’t understand. Persevere and you will get better.
I’ve still barely watched any of my stuff on the DVR. I haven’t watch any of the videos since Monday though, so that’s good.
It is good. Think back to when you first started posting on this topic. It would have seemed unthinkable that you could be doing that much. Sorry to Labour the physical illness angle but if you had heart disease or cancer you wouldn’t be thinking yourself a failure or a coward. You are unwell with an illness which has a lot of unjustified stigma attached to it. Not only are you actively seeking help, you are openly talking about it. You are the counter opposite of a coward. You are a competent and courageous person coping with an unpleasant and difficult to treat disease that most people don’t understand. Persevere and you will get better.
Exactly. Just keep working. Don’t be afraid to talk to the therapist about how you’re feeling and other parts of your life and what you think, but do keep working with him.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
I have done fairly well this week. Haven’t watched any videos, and only had a small slip-up reading stuff. I had a couple of days when I was riding fairly high. Don’t know where these bipolar endorphin buzzes come from, but sometimes they’re nice. But I haven’t been doing the homework he’s been giving me: exposing myself to smaller levels of stress to build up. I just don’t know I have the strength to do that. I know he won’t be mad, but I am pretty sure he’ll be disappointed. But I just don’t know if
I can right now. I’m really pretty scared to see him tomorrow. The obsessiveness does seem to have temporarily subsided, the anxiety seems to have cooled for a little while, but the depression spikes up and down. I do genuinely understand some of the changes I need to make in my life, and that
Facing the “depression” won’t change that, I have to get some courage. But every small thing seems huge. Sometimes I just get sick of hurting. I’m so fortunate in my life, my feeling like this is selfish and unfair. There are good patches. But I’m so scared to go see him tomorrow and tell him the truth. I don’t think he’ll be pleased. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do. I’ll go; I’ll see what he says; but if I’m not willing to commit, there really isn’t anything he can do. Those anxious obsessions could spike up at any time for no reason. The depression is still a yo-yo. I don’t know, I still don’t feel like I can sit and relax. I’m scared. And I have to go to work now. And I’ll be honest, I really don’t want to work today. I wish I could just sleep all day.
EDIT: Getting out of bed was hard, but I feel a little better now. These ups and downs are really a roller coaster.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
Depression doesn’t really take into account how good your life is. You can have the objectively best life in the world and still be depressed.
I’ve always had things pretty good, and yet I’ve been pretty massively depressed at points in my life. That’s just how it works. You have to stop being so hard on yourself about this stuff. It’s like Bingo keeps saying, if you’d fallen and broken a leg, would you be saying your leg shouldn’t be broken because you have things pretty well in general? Or would you focus on healing? You don’t just “man up” or “get some courage” to “get over” a broken leg, you stop and let it heal. It’s the same thing with brains.
You should definitely be discussing your depression with the therapist as well. A lot of this stuff is all co-morbid. Depression and anxiety and OCD all go together as a package deal a lot of the time, and they all need to be worked on together.
I wish you’d give this therapy a chance, but like you said, if you’re not willing to participate then nothing will change.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
Depression, obsession, anxiety, malaise, elation, detachment, mania they are natural human behaviours.
At the present you have an illness that makes you linger on one or the other longer than is perhaps healthy. In time you will find a way to mix them up more. Enjoy a balanced diet of emotional responses. Just be patient with yourself, it will be alright.
Tyrphanax said:I wish you’d give this therapy a chance, but like you said, if you’re not willing to participate then nothing will change.
[img]http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m495ru4wYU1qiz3j8o1_r1_500.gif[/img]
Thank you for that. I needed it.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
Today would have been my Parents’ 49th wedding anniversary. 😦
It still is.
May the good memories wipe away the sadness.
Best wishes to you and your mum Warb.
Thankyou.
Keep your chin up, Warb. Remember, the warm feelings, the good times, the kind words, the stern words and the way of life your father gave you will always be with you. Those are yours forever.
I’m trying to keep a stiff upper lip today myself. As many of you know, my best friend passed away a couple months ago. October was our month. Halloween was our holiday.
So, I’m trying to heed my own advice and focus on all the positives he left behind while dealing with the absence of his presence.
Maybe do something to special to horror your Dad today. That’s what I’ve done in my lowest points and it really helps. I’ve also found that talking about good times you had and having a laugh is the best way to horror the memories and sooth your own grief at the same time.
Maybe do something to special to horror your Dad today.
Well it is Halloween…
Sorry, just a bit of light typo humor, hopefully not inappropriate (especially given Halloween like you said). Wishing you guys grieving all the best. Remember that grief is intensely personal and there’s no wrong way to do it, no time limit on it, and no need to do it the way someone else thinks you should.
Ha! I’m glad you caught it as a typo and didn’t think I was telling Warb to do something disrespectful!
Ha and you did it again later in the same post.
But seriously, May the force be with you guys.
HA! What’s wrong with me!?
Warbler & Mike,
I’m not a prayer guy but you and your families are in my thoughts. Good thoughts and hopes sent.
😃
I need some emotional support as well but I don’t feel comfortable or safe sharing my feelings here.
All I ask is that folks think good thoughts. No need to post them.
Thank you.
Stay strong you guys!
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
In case anybody didn’t see my post in another thread last night I was in a head on collision at about 30 mph. Other drivers fault. Amazingly both drivers escaped without serious injury but I am a little banged up. Feel abit out of sorts understandably. and the only car I’ve ever owned is totalled. It was in perfect condition but it isn’t worth more than 3 or 4 thousand because of it’s age. So now I’m stuck without a car until her insurance pays up And when they do whatever I get will feel like a downgrade.
I am glad you are okay possessed.
😃
Thanks bud.
I don’t wish to see any member of this site in harm’s way or pain.
I really wish I could offer something besides condolences and sympathy to you, Warbler. I can’t even imagine your pain right now.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
My mother’s friend just called her. Her friend’s husband had complex prostate surgery last night. After all of the pain, he was sent home, and died of a heart attack this morning. My mother is needless to say quite upset. She and most of her friends and my family are devout Catholics. My own crisis of faith not withstanding, if you’re a praying kind of person, please send her some.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
![http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m495ru4wYU1qiz3j8o1_r1_500.gif[/img]](http://66.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m495ru4wYU1qiz3j8o1_r1_500.gif%5B/img%5D){kind=link}