The Place to Go for Emotional Support — Page 28

The thing about therapy and medication and all that is that they do help a bit in their own way, but what they do most of all is help you help yourself. It’s not a pointless thing, a therapist’s goal is to help you make realizations and facilitate your work towards managing this, they can’t really tell you what to do or how to cure things. I know it can feel hopeless sometimes, but you are making progress.

OCD has become a fixture in your life, it’s programmed deep into your brain, and that can be managed and you can start to undo that programming, but it will take time. You just have to hang in there and keep working for it, do what you can to make your therapy work around your job.

Again, I’d like to suggest you ask your therapist about ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) therapy. If he can’t do it, then ask about a therapist that can. I think that you might benefit from that a lot, because it’s not always possible to not be in a situation that will trigger your compulsions.

Bingowings said:

And don’t apologise. This thread is for helping each other. We wouldn’t read your comments if we didn’t care for your well-being.

Most definitely.

Fucking hell. Didn’t get an appointment with my new therapist this week because of a weird scheduling mixup at work. Another holiday weekend in retail, man, tomorrow, is going to be hell. I’m almost at the three-week mark for my increased medication. If I’m objective, I’ll admit that it does seem to be helping a little bit. I’m thinking about asking her about increasing it more, but I’m a bit worried both she and my new doc might think I’m leaning too heavily on it or looking to it as a magic cure-all. You can’t imagine how many times I’ve looked at the bottle and thought about taking more, but I know how dangerous that is. My mother opined today that she thought I seemed a bit better, but sadly, I slept through half of the day again, so I doubt it. I’m tired of this. Even if I surrender to it, I can’t even lose. It’s so hard. I went a nearly hour-long binge last night and tonight. If I’m better, it’s only a little bit, and the number of Dan Barker/Christopher Hitchens videos and Iron Chariots Wiki articles I’ve had compulsions towards has decidedly not gone done as much as I hope. I wasn’t even able to get through a 20-minute Samurai Jack episode today. I slept in until 1:00, then crashed again a few hours later until nearly 8:00. The compulsions and anxiety are now mingling with the depression. It’s just even more fun! I’m sort of starting to conclude that I’m never going to get back to where I was a few weeks ago, a comfortable intellectual equilibrium. I’m never going to “beat” this, and I’m going to have accept that every day for the rest of my life I’m going to have to deal with the flood of hormones in the morning alone that cause all of this, and always be fighting it. I guess that’s just life. I hope not. But I think so. I’ve paged over several times just writing this to look at stuff. I just can’t beat this. It’s not a question of how hard I try, it’s just too strong. It’s crippling me, binding me my bed. I think I’m going to have to just accept that. I’d love to be wrong, but it’s sure hard to feel differently at this long. Scored a minor victory a few nights ago when I went out with friends and had some Fun, but dammit if it didn’t come on again. I can’t distract myself all the time. Over at the AV Club today, there was a very minor discussion about religion. My participation was minimal, but damned if it still didn’t set me off.

I can’t get away from this. I can’t stop people wearing crosses around their necks, I can’t stop driving past churches. The guy over there asked his therapist about anyone in this area, and she didn’t know anybody, but he showed me a list of nearby OCD specialists, particularly those specializing in ERP therapy. I’m going to have to start seriously considering this possibility, and the possibility that maybe I have suddenly manifested adult OCD. The terrifying horror stories he tells about losing a job, locking himself in his apartment for weeks, etc. should put my problems into better perspective than they do and show how minor my problems should be. I’m just so tired of this. I want to think about something else. I want my mind back. Fuck. I want to enjoy things again, to catch up on my DVR, my Arrow episodes on Netflix. I want this to stop. Sorry for more whining. I just feel like the minor victory I scored made the sting of falling back all the more harsh. I just don’t feel like I can beat this, I don’t feel like it’s even possible. God, help me. And another retail holiday weekend tomorrow. At least I can stress about that, I suppose.

It’s good that you’re feeling like the medication increase is helping, and it’s good that your mother sees some advances as well. I know it doesn’t feel like progress when you forget it momentarily and then it comes back, but I really do think you’re making progress, despite how it feels to you. Sometimes you have to let yourself win. Hold yourself accountable, yes, but don’t beat yourself down.

Don’t worry too much about being dependent on medication. A lot of times they’ll give you a high dosage and then start weening you down once you’ve gotten things under control. Medication like this isn’t ever an exact science and your dosage could fluctuate a lot or a little.

I don’t know enough super specific details about your predicament to diagnose you with OCD, but in my experience what you’re experiencing is very close to OCD. And you’ve definitely manifested something if not OCD. It’s okay, we all have our things to manage. I do think that at least consulting with one of those OCD specialists would be a good idea. Bring them your diary and let them read through it and see what they think, and what they suggest.

And just hang in there.

Called my therapist. He had some family issues, which is why he was MIA last week. Set up another appointment for Thursday. I’ve also been looking for specialists on the International OCD Foundation’s website in my area. Don’t know if this is what’s going on, but I figure it can’t hurt. Unfortunately, as specialists, it looks like it’s hard to find one that takes my BCBS insurance. I’ll keep checking. I hope this isn’t something that severe, but if I can get it looked into for a reasonable price, I figure hey, it can’t hurt. Went to see my grandfather last night with the family for his 82nd birthday. God willing, he still has a few more, but it was nice, and we all got along well. My mother noticed I was behaving a little bit oddly though. I’m still pretty functional at work, although the compulsions largely kick in on my breaks and I haven’t had any customers comment on me being "off.

Wound up down the Internet rabbit hole a while ago regarding circumcision (something related to one the shrieking religious discussions), and further down the many activists, horror stories, etc. An obsessive personality is fun when you’re using it to find out about Mario Bava movies. In this case, decidedly less. Probably TMI, but I was as a baby, not for any religious reasons, but for the health benefits. I’ve honestly never thought about it a day in my life before this OCD fiasco; never had any health issues whatsoever, and I believe it was done by a pediatric surgeon rather than as any kind of religious ceremony or anything. Like I said, I never thought about it a day in my life before. Also wound up on a Hitchens video about gay rights (I’m a big supporter of gay rights, having always voted in their favor, though I personally don’t have any LBGT friends), Catholics, etc. Luckly, my particular brand of religion never really had a lot to say on the subject, and fortunately was never too negative with any of the “AIDS is God’s punishment nonsense” or any such garbage. Social issues are worth thinking about, and I admire those who campaign for social justice, but really, I don’t need it in a constant loop in my head, this endless, interminable, obsessive, circular behavior. I tried to watch a goddamn 20-minute Samurai Jack episode yesterday and the anxiety, compulsions, and depression started interfering and I only made it about halfway through. I’m sick this interfering in my life, I want to enjoy things again! It’s so fucking frustrating. I’m thinking about looking at a second opinion just to get more data. The therapist I currently have is a nice guy, kind and compassionate, and I like him, I just think that maybe getting more perspective wouldn’t hurt. I feel like the raging anxiety that was interfering with my ability to function at work may have burned down slightly, but on the whole, I feel like progress has been hard and slow, and I just feel more and more and more frustrated. I’m not blaming anybody; my family and friends have tried to help (my uncle called me and told me that depression runs in my family and to call if I ever needed him), my parents have of course been supportive, and my new therapist is a good-hearted guy who certainly seems to have my better interests at heart and strong desire to help. I just feel like I’m never going to be back to where I was. I guess I’m going to have to learn how to live with this, and I’m going to have to live with it from now on. Maybe I’ll never be “OK” like I was before again. Maybe I’m just going to have always fight this every day. Maybe that’s just the way it’s going to be. I don’t know anymore. Fuck. I hope this wasn’t gross or TMI or self-Pity or anything. This was another day in retail during the holidays, it’s hard enough without all of this. The compulsions are still firing every damn time I wake up, it’s that or the depression pinning me to the bed for literally half of a day. It’s just tiresome. I feel like I’m trying to swim up a waterfall. It’s just so hard.

Damn. Sorry, everybody. Just needed to vent a bit.

Vent away, that’s why we’re here.

I’m happy that your family is so supportive and open about these things. Family histories of depression are so often swept under the rug with a nice coating of “suck it up” advice, or even just ignored totally.

Keep on fighting, keep on looking for that OCD specialist (at least try to get a quick consultation with one, like I said, just to get a sense of what they think), keep trying to get away from your rituals.

I think you’re doing well. It most definitely is like swimming up a waterfall, and that’s an apt descriptor. Another good analogy I heard years back and have adopted is that depression (or really any type of psychological/addictive obstacle to overcome) is like standing in front of a brick wall that’s a million feet high. It’s daunting to look at from ground level and you’ll want to give up before you even start, but you have to climb it, and to do that, you have to take it one brick at a time. Focus on getting past one brick, then the next, then the next. Don’t worry about the whole wall, just worry about the brick in front of you. It may not feel like you’re making progress when every brick looks the same, sure you may slide back down a couple bricks once in awhile, but eventually you’ll reach the top. From where I’m standing, you’ve gotten a pretty good distance up that wall, so keep going.

I don’t sleep anymore.

Why not?

No idea what causes it, but it’s getting in the way of my work. My job is usually light but it’s broken up by intense moments of hard work that require the entirety of my attention. I always like taking easy part time jobs alongside it too but I had to stop with those since I don’t have enough energy to deal with them.

Try some melatonin or tart cherry juice before bed, maybe?

Tyrphanax said:

Try some melatonin or tart cherry juice before bed, maybe?

Yeah, that doesn’t work either. I find that it’s easy to fall asleep if I go to bed before 11 but then I don’t have time to do anything.

Ah man, I hear that. When I was on a 9-5 with an hour of transit time on each end, I never had time for anything.

I think the solution is just to work less. I work far more than I need to and cutting back wouldn’t hurt my standing. I just like to stay occupied.

That’s totally valid. Maybe pick up a new hobby to fill the time?

Why not ask a doctor? There’s always the possibility that there’s some medical reason for it.

You need to talk to someone and get sober.

That’s not a healthy outlook.

Whether you agree or not is inconsequential. You are not mentally well, and I’d (and I’m sure most people around you would) prefer you come around and make some changes than kill yourself. As hard-nosed as you may want to be about it, you did post in here, and you likely would prefer to enjoy life than to die.

I can’t force you to change, but I can hope you come around.

Mike O, I just wanted to let you know that you’re still in my thoughts. I can scarcely imagine what you’re going through, but it’s important to know that all things pass. I believe that you are not your thoughts, attitudes, or actions. You are not broken. You cannot be diminished - not by your thoughts, not by anything. Think of the bravest, strongest, most loving people you know. All that made them truly great is also within you. You can do this. Best wishes, my friend.

A healthy person has many wishes, but a sick person has only one.