Hi, could I have links to all the books you have completed so far please 😃
More Notes! I am writing so much that there is no way all of my ideas will be addressed or considered, but I have to throw stuff out there to help these edits. I’ll throw in my screenplay writer tips where possible.
Book 3:
Film theory time- Opening shots and closing shots are vital for setting a film narrative (ties into theme). Opener is Grogu and Mando walking in a dark alley, facing away from the camera and moving right (pair of heroes facing danger). A normal film would counter this with the same 2 facing the camera as the closing shot (as they have grown closer from their journey) or separate (if they have grown apart). The closing scene is the magic stick shift ball turning. They aren’t tied together IN VISUAL which would be points against a feature film script. (Films still get made with this exception- but it’s one of the things scripts get processed by)
We DO have a thesis line this time- excellent: “Wherever I go, he goes.” To bring it full circle- we would want a confirmation line near or after the climax affirming this statement.
Intro is strong, less silly. Seems brutal. I love it.
No frog person- great cut. More organic flow, great edit here.
Great transitions on Ice planet. Nothing felt missing.
As always- I approve of these combat scenes. Much more streamlined and tense. You’ve got a great eye for cutting the BS.
Gideon is alive with the shadow council- an excellent early reveal. Turned that S3 turd into an actual story-relevant detail. Now our long-term villain is behind the scenes and gives the audience time to BREATH with this threat. A+ addition.
Boba hires the mercs- he wants his stuff back. OUTSTANDING. Edit was smooth. Only thing missing is his sidekick Fennec with him (maybe also watching with her scoped rifle), but there may be nothing to use to add to this. Also, it may be better to add a shot of Boba watching during the fight or immediately after. A reaction to his plan failing (if we see Fennec with him- then her having a fail reaction shot would work too if short on content footage).
His turn at the end seemed serviceable, but a little bit off. I wonder if there is a better shot to use here.
Cuts of Mechanic dialogue are great. She’s still comic relief but WAY more on tone for the rest of the series.
Oh there is frog lady. These cuts are good, and while I don’t mind the egg eating it is prime for a show- not a feature film.
Minor note- maybe I missed this but why is Mando’s ship damaged when entering orbit? Didn’t he just get repairs on Navarro and Tatooine? If it’s said it didn’t come across to me as an audience member and may need a change.
Since the recent repairs are from droids- this could be a good time to include a VO line cursing faulty droid work.
1:36:18 - Editing error: He says the same line twice “Get ready for landing”
Honestly, the deeper we go into the show the more the aliens need a new voiceover. I wrote out a paragraph suggestion on the quarrian at the docks- but after considering it there isn’t much to be done here and I like how you have this scene. You tightened it and we HAVE to give Bo the badass character intro (She’s ruthless) to setup her one minded character motivations as they intersect with Mando very soon. This scene is fine- but as the show continues on and Disney+ quality dips- we can repurpose ANY alien dialogue to Huttese grunts and subtitles to make it fit what your edit needs (and you lose NOTHING of value!).
1:49:44 - This transition is VERY rapid. Seemed jarring.
1:49:20 - The thrice-stabbed trooper drops with ZERO damage. Come on, Disney.
Overall, I liked this one. It suffers from being a “middle” episode- no big villain showdown and the big discoveries are paid off in future films. Not much to be done here- that is a middle film issue. (Better story direction from Disney would have saved this- Bo Katan should have been an antagonist in S3, with them reuniting or her redeeming herself. That would have made THIS buildup great- they worked together…but not anymore. Oh well can’t fix that)
This edit succeeds in shorting these episodes into their most important pieces, and removes the BAD. I am excited to keep watching!
As far as changes go- the ending seems rapid. This type of middle film could benefit from some Act 2 screenplay maneuvers. For example, at the end it would be great to see what each of the characters is doing, perhaps over a music montage. This is a BUILDER episode- so let’s see our characters build. Brainstorming here- something like showing Grogu play with the metal ball as music builds, briefly showcase Vance peaceful in the desert, Fennec and Boba (especially Boba) on his spaceship nodding, perhaps some happy Tuskens, INTERSPERSE THE BALL SPINNING AND MANDO LOOKS AT GROGU, Bo Katan on her new ship looking stoic, Cara Dune in her town…etc. Even an evil shot of Gideon would be good to include (he is building too). End with Grogu and Mando together. This film showed SO MANY CHARACTERS so a small musical denouement of “victory poses” can show the characters as “in progress” for what is about to come in the next Book 4.
This is tough though- there is no galactic victory to tie everyone together, so they are tied in PURPOSE (theme).
This suggestion is also not very traditional STAR WARS and may be seen as kind of cheesy- so take that as you see best.
I’ve not finished your book 2 as yet so can’t compare but one thing in the BoBF that bothered me was that Boba left Fennec to sort out the person involved with killing his tusken family at the end of the show, then she anticlimactically just leaves through the door. I addressed that with an alternate ending idea which might interest you.
I Have my own edit that frames Cad Bane as the one who was hired to kill the tuskins, which is why he takes so much pride in taunting boba about it. I altered the convo so go as follows:
Boba: “I will only negotiate with the head of the Pyke Synidcate.”
Cad: NEW AI LINE “You mean the one who hired me to murder your tuskin family”.
This way Boba gets his vengeance and ties Cad into the main story.
I love this. Way better. Can you PM me a link?
Its still a work in progress lol the ai voice generator i used wasn’t the best but If anyone wants to use this idea go right ahead i would love for it to be realized in a better executed way than i have it.
Even more Notes! I know you are editing these to fit with your revamped Book 5… so as usual take what works here and discard what you don’t need!
Book 4:
Ahsoka fight is awesome. Music works well with the tone you set, and the fight is quickly paced.
“Surrender…” cut seems sudden. Consider slightly slowing down the witch’s reaction to extend by a few frames.
Has Ahsoka been color-corrected here? She’s way more orange than in her own tv show. Looks more like the cartoon (in a good way).
I hate to say it but I miss the downtrodden townsfolk that Mando originally interacted with. They helped showcase the dathomir witch as evil, our new character (Ahsoka) as good, and our protagonist as conflicted (we are in Kurosawa territory, after all). This version does not demonstrate that as clearly. We might not need the whole B story- but just seeing that guy in the stocks helps our heroes journey. (And gives us a 1-second explanation of that guy getting a jacket once the town is liberated as that scene was kept)
6:18 - this cut is too rapid. Took me out of it. It’s a fast cut to a stopped door, which doesn’t work for some reason.
46:15 - Fennec is trapped, Mando hops in (with flute). We don’t see her get surrounded, so the buildup of these troops running is unclear. So the first reaction we see Fennec is that she’s surrounded is immediately when Mando drops in. This pacing doesn’t give us time to breath so the save does not feel earned. (I rarely critique the fight edits, but this one needs mentioning)
Music for Bill Burr and Mando arriving at the base: Hate it. Could we use a more imperial/foreboding sound? They are safe but still in danger. Even triumphant imperial music could work! Anything but the Mando victory song.
1:14:56 The cutaway from Mando at the terminal is too rapid, the audio seems weird, and is one of the few times I can tell this is an edit.
I do not like the shortening of the drink with an officer scene. This may be one of the best scenes in the ENTIRE show.
^^^
I had a big paragraph rant about this- but I looked at your response to similar comments- and you make a great point. This is saving the face reveal for the finale. In a show this works great- but in our film we see Mando’s face in like 15 minutes. It DOES undercut your film climax and for that reason, I can see why you made the choice you did.
So that being said- the more of this scene we can keep the better. This scene absolutely drips with character and world building, and for the first time in a while it makes us fear the power of the Empire. Plus the idea of raising a toast with such a scumbag is visceral and well acted. BUT WE CAN’T USE MANDO’S FACE!.. So I have a suggestion:
How can I convince you to CG that helmet back on Mando’s head to salvage more of this scene? (The same way you edited out Grogu 😄 )
1:22:08 - The transition is weird- the circle doesn’t seem to fully close during the wipe?
Boba Fett says “that planet has been turned to glass” and Bo Katan’s response “You are a disgrace to your armor” doesn’t seem to match. Writing is weird here. VO opportunity to have Boba Fett drop a MUCH nastier, old school Boba line.
When Boba Fett hijacks the shuttle it plays the Mando theme. This should be the Boba theme to stay consistent with our multiple hero narrative.
SOUND EFFECT! When Cara Dune enters with the machine gun it sounds SOOOO underwhelming. Full on weak. This gun should drop the bass.
You made some minor cuts in the finale like Gideon being disarmed before being knocked out. I agree it’s a little weird in choreography- but it’s very obvious where it was cut. Additionally- this DOES remove two important notes on these characters. Gideon would rather die than bring satisfaction to his enemy, and Cara’s lines have been about taking him alive. This brief interaction actually helps both characters.
In this deep into the finale- I don’t think I would cut a single thing.
What about the force theme for Luke? I’ve seen some SOLID edits here, and they would add a ton to the mythical element of this part of the film. We are witnessing a WIZARD save the day- so let’s have it be magical.
Any way to use better deepfake fanedits for Luke? There are a variety out there.
The final shot is a good ending moment.
Something to consider-
An example of the Force Theme used during the S2 Finale is this vid (which incorporates the Mando theme as well, connecting them)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-mXHJsAfWA&t=202s&ab_channel=ALPHA
This video is a little muddy at the end, but this would be a huge improvement over the default soundtrack.
And an example of fan improved deepfake:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrHXA2cSpNU&ab_channel=Shamook
Thanks for all the feedback and suggestions Kypo! I’m really looking forward to being able to go through it all with the earlier films.
I’ve spent some time going through Book 5 again and trying to plan for 6. I have so many options for reorganizing the story, but I haven’t found one that feels right yet. I am, at this point, seeing if I can get the full Boba Tatooine story in Book 6 and interweave it with Plazir-15 (the not-terrible parts). For some reason, I just really do not enjoy the placement of Boba’s storyline in Book 5. After Din and Grogu separate, I really like the solo Din journey, but I don’t want to lose Boba as a character so I’m still experimenting.
That said, the experimenting has been slow the last few weeks. I recently had Baby #3 and was in the so-tired-I-can’t-think phase again so the editing has been sporadic. It’s been getting better though and I’ll get back to a good schedule soon.
Honestly, I’m thinking about finishing up Books 1-4 with the final updates first too, maybe help give me some inspiration for the final arc of the story after reviewing the earlier films again.
(The Force Awakens) Heirs of the Force | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Last Jedi) Fate of the Jedi | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Rise of Skywalker) Legacy of the Force | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Bad Batch) Cinematic Version | A More Mature Edit
(The Mandalorian+Boba) The Way of Mandalore | A Compilation Edit
Hello! Do you have subtitles in other languages? If so, I’d love to take a look. Thank you!
Congrats on baby number three, Acbagel. I hope you are enjoying quality time with your family. I am eagerly waiting to see what you cook up for book six. I have loved all your edits of these two series so far. Keep up the great work and may the force be with you!
Hi Acbagel!
Can I please have a link to your works? 😃
Can you send me a link for all the books please?
starwarsarrowverse22@gmail.com
I am very happy based on your last post that you ARE trying to work in the modern Boba content. There is too much of it and I know in my heart an editor would be able to make something good out of it (I know there are some other edits already but I think your idea of combining Boba/Mando together is GREAT). There must be what, at least 2 - 3 hours of modern Boba content? At least 2. I can’t recall. But either way, it’s enough that boiling it down to under 1 hour I think does the character an injustice. Boba had great in character moments in the show. We just need to excise the parts that pacify him.
Cut down I have to imagine there can be at least 90 minutes of quality “modern day” Boba content. That coupled with some post-season 2 Din should be able to make a good 2-1/2 hour movie, right? I don’t have the context of Season 3, so I am unsure how that might affect it. I did not even watch S3 because Grogu returning to Din on Tatooine infuriated me. They need to be separated for YEARS. It ruined the emotional impact of S2 finale.
Just finished watching book 5,phenomenal!
Love the transitions of the flashbacks of mando to where he’s about to rescue grogu,makes it more believable and impactful.
A lot more enjoyable without the unnecessary dialogue and filler. As well the reorganizing of certain scenes,and putting some dialogue from mando 2.5 with mando 3.as well as removing grogu
I don’t like the fact that ig is there,like why not have a statue of quill,i was fine with the ending of book 5,i’d rather grogu to stay with Luke,until maybe mando season 4.
Anyways great job! Keep up the great work!
Well well well… I have mastered the father of 3 life. Baby is now 3 months old and sleeping great, and so am I! I’ve missed working on my edits. I’ve done sporadic editing on random scenes in Book 6 here and there, but nothing substantial on getting it all together. Time off always helps bring fresh perspective too. Since I still have a lot of work on the next film, I wanted to go back and drop the final releases of some of the previous films that didn’t have too much left to do, as well as start to respond to some of Kypo’s incredible reviews that have been posted.
Starting with Book 1:
There weren’t too many fixes/updates to make on this one that I’m tracking.
And then I have one more test scene below in response to one of Kypo’s comments.
Hey! I want to introduce myself and share some of my feedback. I have written multiple screenplays, and I’ve worked on small productions for stunt acting. I am certainly no expert so take all of my feedback for what it is- my enthusiastic SUGGESTIONS to help you improve your awesome project. All of my notes come from a fellow big Star Wars fan who loves and appreciates your edits!!
I have never checked out your edits as I am a big fan of S1 and S2 of Mandalorian and felt that I personally do not NEED a shorter edit. Then Boba Fett came out. Then S3. Then Kenobi (thanks PixelJoker!). This led me to your edits, and the way you assembled the story requires that I watch ALL of them. So I will watch all of them and give my input as a fellow film enthusiast. Not all of my notes will be actionable, but sharing is the least I can do!
Thanks again for writing these for the films! I am taking advantage of all your time to improve upon my releases.
BOOK 1 EDIT
One of the things that makes movies FEEL like movies is a THEME LINE in the early parts of the movie. It’s one of those classic screenplay rules that belong in the first 5 pages of a script. It operates like a thesis in an essay- what statement of belief will be challenged by our hero’s experience? This is a tough thing to accomplish as the shows you are working with do not necessarily give great lines to an overall plot structure (They are building a short episode, not a full film). In Book 1, a theme line would happen around his talk with Greef Karga. Unfortunately, he doesn’t really deliver a line that works. Then our protagonist receives the “quest” from THE CLIENT. No thesis. Then the Armorer, but here it’s very late in the story… and while she offers wisdom the lines are geared at exposition, not giving theme to our movie. I am not sure how to improve it as you’ve only got what you got. Perhaps a new V.O. with the Armorer stating Book 1’s thesis more clearly when she accepts his payment- but I don’t know how feasible this option is. Or perhaps a new MANDO line to The Client stating his intent to always travel alone.
I definitely agree that a thematic thesis line would serve Act 1 very well! I have been experimenting with AI voicelines the past couple months and have a pretty good Din model made. Do you all think this line fits well here and sounds right? https://youtu.be/srQCZc-4AIY
The Fight scene edits = A+
I can see these fight scenes are punchier, shorter, quicker, and have less chaff getting shot by good characters to help raise the stakes. Fewer misses at the good guys. More tension is kept. Great work here!
Nice! Love to hear it. I probably spent more time fixing combat sequences than anything else in these films haha.
Small suggestion- perhaps after the Warm or Cold line you can cut to carbonite in the face blast. Could be a shorter/punchier scene to jump straight to the ship.
Yep! Was recommended by some others as well and I have it updated as indicated above. A quicker cut right to one good exterior of the ship flying so we can actually see what the Razorcrest looks like and that’s it now. No more journey across the ice lake.
Overall, I am very impressed. The problem to me personally is this cuts from the show when its at it’s best. Later Books in this series will have the advantage of cutting garbage (Looking at you, S3!). This book has the disadvantage of cutting relatively successful material. Much harder to do!! (And I am very impressed at what you created here!)
This gives me a LOT of hope for these next chapters and I cannot wait to review them.
Thank you for the kind words! I believe this is the shortest movie in my saga, and also the one I cut the least from which is interesting… Ends right at 2 hours now, but I think the pacing worked out so I’m happy with that.
I think I’m also going to try and run the film through Topaz to see if that helps with the lower-quality footage at all. So if I can get feedback on the two scenes above, I will probably have this re-released by tomorrow evening!
(The Force Awakens) Heirs of the Force | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Last Jedi) Fate of the Jedi | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Rise of Skywalker) Legacy of the Force | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Bad Batch) Cinematic Version | A More Mature Edit
(The Mandalorian+Boba) The Way of Mandalore | A Compilation Edit
Heck yeah! Bagel’s back, baby! Love those final tweaks to movie 1. Lock 'em in! As someone commented on your AI voice line, I agree that it could be a touch rougher, but it does work.
Looking forward to the rest.
Did you settle on a direction for present-day Boba, Luke’s academy, and season three?
Heck yeah! Bagel’s back, baby! Love those final tweaks to movie 1. Lock 'em in! As someone commented on your AI voice line, I agree that it could be a touch rougher, but it does work.
I left the comment on the yotube channel, and yeah that is the only thing I feel is lacking is the gruffness, and it just moves a little fast. The first line sounds good but the second line when he is getting up, something about the line and its diction, combined with that shot of him getting up, just isnt working for me. But still I like the idea of incorporating AI for Din, since him wearing the helmet makes it such a ripe opportunity.
bagel, can I get links to your mando movies? I am interested in checking them out
Heck yeah! Bagel’s back, baby! Love those final tweaks to movie 1. Lock 'em in! As someone commented on your AI voice line, I agree that it could be a touch rougher, but it does work.
I left the comment on the yotube channel, and yeah that is the only thing I feel is lacking is the gruffness, and it just moves a little fast. The first line sounds good but the second line when he is getting up, something about the line and its diction, combined with that shot of him getting up, just isnt working for me. But still I like the idea of incorporating AI for Din, since him wearing the helmet makes it such a ripe opportunity.
Yes, I agree on that. Tough to replicate gruffness in an AI voice model… I’m trying out some different effects to see if I can make it work. Din actually loses a lot of the gruff sound in his tone as the seasons go on, but early on it’s definitely present.
bagel, can I get links to your mando movies? I am interested in checking them out
Sent!
(The Force Awakens) Heirs of the Force | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Last Jedi) Fate of the Jedi | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Rise of Skywalker) Legacy of the Force | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Bad Batch) Cinematic Version | A More Mature Edit
(The Mandalorian+Boba) The Way of Mandalore | A Compilation Edit
Could you please send me the link for the films?
Acbagel said:
Yes, I agree on that. Tough to replicate gruffness in an AI voice model… I’m trying out some different effects to see if I can make it work. Din actually loses a lot of the gruff sound in his tone as the seasons go on, but early on it’s definitely present.
So, I’ve been watching your first movie and I’ll post notes later (been sick this weekend so I couldnt do it in one sitting, Im gonna start it over and watch in one sitting later this week).
But I will say, for this particular scene, it’s a cool experiment that I think could be useful elsewhere, but for this scene it’s totally unnecessary. How in your current version Din just says nothing… It’s fine. There’s nothing to fix so I think it would only be detrimental in this particular case.
Acbagel said:
Yes, I agree on that. Tough to replicate gruffness in an AI voice model… I’m trying out some different effects to see if I can make it work. Din actually loses a lot of the gruff sound in his tone as the seasons go on, but early on it’s definitely present.So, I’ve been watching your first movie and I’ll post notes later (been sick this weekend so I couldnt do it in one sitting, Im gonna start it over and watch in one sitting later this week).
But I will say, for this particular scene, it’s a cool experiment that I think could be useful elsewhere, but for this scene it’s totally unnecessary. How in your current version Din just says nothing… It’s fine. There’s nothing to fix so I think it would only be detrimental in this particular case.
Thanks for the feedback! Yeah maybe it isn’t needed. Was trying to get in that “thesis line” that Kypo talked about, but maybe it isn’t necessary. I think Din comes across as the lone wolf warrior without needing to actually state it. I think I’ll render the update and ship as is!
(The Force Awakens) Heirs of the Force | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Last Jedi) Fate of the Jedi | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Rise of Skywalker) Legacy of the Force | A Star Wars Legends Re-edit
(The Bad Batch) Cinematic Version | A More Mature Edit
(The Mandalorian+Boba) The Way of Mandalore | A Compilation Edit
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I would like to check out your The Way of Mandalore edits. Could you please send me the links?
I replied to your PM so apologies for posting again here but want to make sure this is seen.
Does anyone have access to the v2 book 5 that contains only BoBF content? I was hoping to watch these edits up to s3 content and view a different edit for that. Would be much appreciated
Current Project = The Jedi, the Witch, and the Warlord (Ahsoka Movie Edit) [RELEASED] : https://originaltrilogy.com/topic/Star-Wars-Ahsoka-Kestrels-Theatrical-Edit-WIP-/id/111777
ACBagel- I love this- perfect concept. My only criticism is the line itself. The word count is way too high for the scene it is placed. He says 2 sentences and we have a couple cuts, a standup, etc. It brushes past impact and makes it stand out. Maybe do a play/reverse/play on the helmet talking portion- or some other clever editing.
I think you’ve got the right idea, and the discussion about the voice tone CAN be tightened up as discussed above!
I sent a DM on my thoughts here in full- glad to see you are back!
Hello, I’m really interested in your work. Is it possible to get a link sent to watch your edits?