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The Dream of the Giant Fractal Woodlouse. — Page 20


That is hilarious. Anyway, here’s a recent dream of mine.

So we’re about to play It, with the man already wearing the clown makeup. He asks if anyone here takes medication. I say I do and he’s discouraged, like I’ve repeatedly been an inconvenience today. Beside me sitting on the bench are a boy to my right and a girl to my left. I am in the middle. The game starts and I’m confused why we didn’t turn the lights off. Isn’t this supposed to be scary?

The girl grabs my arm repeatedly while hiding, refusing to separate from me. I eventually break free in the downstairs hallway and rush to hide in the veranda while she goes off to the Lego room. There isn’t really anywhere to hide so I just tuck away behind some stuff. My brother (It) bursts in and immediately spots and tags me. I should’ve stuck with that girl. I can only wish a girl liked me that much irl.

There might be more stuff here.

Now suddenly I’m back in the van with mom and the others. In a schoolyard I guess. I summon dad outside then Force grab him through the windshield, which he passes through like Otoh Gunga’s doors. Now I make the male driver floor it. We’re out of here. One of the female passengers panics that I’m driving recklessly but I reassure her. We swerve between some trees and onto the road we go.

Now we’re in the suburbs. We encounter a single car forming a police blockade (I don’t think it’s a police car at this stage - it’s quite colorful - but I know it’s the police). Since it’s parked neatly on the right side of the road facing us, I simply drive to the left, and race past them. The people standing outside it rush in and the chase is on.

Two police cars are not on our tail. We come to the end of this exceedingly long stretch of straight road though the suburbs as I sharply swerve to the right (the only way the road keeps going), sending one of the police cars crashing into the short hedge and the driveway inexplicably behind it.

We keep going, twisting and turning through the suburbs. As the camera pans back to us, they’re on foot. It’s a boy and a girl fleeing from special agent Amanda Waller…no that’s already a character name. Let’s say Amanda O’Connell. She has a troubled past. Eventually, the kids start losing her circling around one house. They get enough ahead that they manage to hide behind another house and lose them. Hidden behind its balcony, they discuss player parity, as they’re in a futuristic VR game. She overhears them and catches them.

I guess I really like chase dreams.


Instead it’s the Eleventh Doctor who bursts onto the scene.with his iconic theme I Am the Doctor. It’s a lavish corridor with bright red tapestry walls covered in paintings, including a massive one near us. My mom is dismayed and asks if he’s been rehabilitated. The two of us lead grandma down the endless hallways filled with clutter. Mom worries that she’ll notice the absurdly long corridor and think it’s a secret passage or something. Eventually, I ponder the logistics of the invisible columns after nearly choking to death on the contents of one. I figure that can’t be possible and that they merely conceal objects within themselves and are not solid themselves and that such furniture would be too big to choke on.

But now in the study hall the twins are at the table doing some goofy stuff that makes me go “see this is why I didn’t get with them” (which is unequivocally false) and float up to the frame of the window to other study hall (we’re in the middle on of three). One of them asks about the one on the other side of the window and I say that I headcanon it doesn’t exist, but now I’m there, the bell rings, and I see a stairway leading up to a series of doors to the outside. I can see the daylight shining through. Who knew I was so close?

I walk up the stairs into a wide open room with an absurdly high sealing and a stained glasses window, which I promptly fly up to and through into the outside of the school. There’s a cement ceiling and columns everywhere. Just outside that I see the cage where the people are playing what a handwritten sign describes as the controversial sport of chickenball. Last time they were playing just with raw chickens that you might see at the grocery store. This time the “chickens” were massive live birds akin to ostriches or emus but completely featherless like the raw chickens of before. They were flinging and throwing them with such absurd force that the impact was deadly. I struggle to make my way past them to the parking lot trying not to get hit and die as they were thrown in my general direction.

I reach the other side where a teacher guides me to safety (a relatively old woman). I gaze past her to the poor person who’s been crushed by a bus and their head that exploded onto the asphalt in the most gruesome way. I try to leave before I get crushed by the many moving school buses but the teacher won’t let me leave. I ask if I could just go around the school over to the football and she says I can’t because I’m being arrested. I protest that I’m innocent but know that technically I am at the scene of the crime (deadly ostrich tossing) so I guess I’m a suspect.

Now I’m in the colorful waiting room of the police academy (looks like an establishment for children, really, whatnot), along with a slew of other suspects from the incident. After a while I get sick of waiting and decide to leave, since the police clearly don’t value my time. As I walk through the door an older criminal passes me by. Then the suspects on the other side of the room see a door and point out the green walls on the other side and how that must be the green area we were supposed to go to, so I come back through the lobby to there and continue down the schoollike hall past the colorfully uniformed teenage police cadets.


Last night I had a dream that I ordered $1200’s worth of pizza (I didn’t realize that two medium pizzas added up to that much money) and when it was delivered, the driver had clearly eaten, like, half of the slices of pizza. I said I wasn’t paying for that and it was a huge argument and they got really nasty and personal about it. They started the nastiness but I ended up making them cry. I felt really bad about it.

Death of the Author