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Rewritten Crawl for The Force Awakens (Spoilers)

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My friends and I have just seen Episode 7, and although it was a fun (if derivative) movie, the crawl stood out like a sore thumb. So we have taken a stab at rewriting it:

First, here’s the crawl as it is in the film:

"Luke Skywalker has vanished.
In his absence, the sinister
FIRST ORDER has risen
from the ashes of the Empire
and will not rest until Skywalker, the last Jedi,
has been destroyed.

With the support of the REPUBLIC,
General Leia Organa leads a brave RESISTANCE.
She is desperate to find her
brother Luke and gain his
help in restoring peace and
justice to the galaxy.

Leia has sent her most daring
pilot on a secret mission
to Jakku, where an old ally
has discovered a clue to
Luke’s whereabouts . . . ."

And here’s our version:

STAR WARS
EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

Luke Skywalker, the last Jedi, has vanished.
In his absence, the sinister FIRST ORDER
has risen from the ashes of the fallen Empire.

To counter this deadly threat, the Republic
mobilizes a covert RESISTANCE led by
General Leia Organa, to gather allies from
the farthest reaches of the galaxy.

As the FIRST ORDER prepares a crippling
blow to the Republic, its dark forces gather
above the graveyard planet of Jakku…

Thoughts?

DuracellEnergizer: “^He’s embraced the absurd. Don’t expect to gain any conventional understanding from his posts.”
A New Hope Technicolor Recreation (Released!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V2 Released!) and The Starlight Project

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Yours is much better. It flows whereas the original is choppy.

“Okay, I’m goin’, takin’ off. See ya… bye….” — Chip Douglas

“This concludes our broadcast day. Click.” — Chip Douglas

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This is pretty good. I’d only think to add something about how they’re all searching for Luke. Leaving it out might cause a bit of confusion as to the first few scenes.

Pain is temporary, film is forever!
- John Milius

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TV’s Frink said:

TavorX said:

.

That’s a pretty short crawl.

I originally wrote a response but then realized it contained a spoiler when TFA was pretty fresh.

The Hope Awakens