I was a local meetup for atheists a couple of days ago. It was my first time and I thought I might try to meet some people there because we already had one thing in common. I sat down and there were less than a dozen other people there. Keep in mind that I am 20...everybody else there was at least 15 years older than me, many 30 or 40 years older. I feel like I am always at the wrong age for everything. Either too old or too young to do what I want.
I sat there awkwardly for a couple of minutes before an old granny asked me where I was from. I told her I was from a lot of different places before I came to Atlanta and she joked that I was continuously kicked out from household to household. I laughed awkwardly.
Then I was silent for another couple of seconds before I asked nobody in particular what people do at the meetups. A guy next to me said they just hang out, drink, and talk, nothing scripted. I couldn't think of anything to say in reply so I just nodded, smiled, and said "yeah".
Another couple of minutes pass awkwardly. Most everybody else around me is engaged in conversation. The same guy next to me said something to a woman next to me about some sports team. The guy asked me if I am into sports, I said "No, I don't really follow any." That's a conversation ender if I've ever come up with one.
So as soon as the menus were passed out, I just walked out of there without saying a word. This happened less than ten minutes after I walked in determined to make friends. I was disappointed that there were no attractive single women there would might be into someone like me. That always seems to happen, the disappointment part, not the attractive woman part.
I went to Barnes and Noble later, where I usually hang out alone and read, and Skype-texted with my sister for an hour or so telling her what happened. She told me I am too self-centered, and that was why I had no friends and could never come up with anything to say. I asked her things and we got on a different subject and I forgot about myself for a few minutes. I guess that worked.
But I plan on going to a meetup of "nerdy romantics" this week. I'm new to that, too. The event is supposed to be a social gathering at a place where you can pick your own vegetables and blend them into soup. I asked them on their event wall if the meetups are for nerdy couples only or nerdy singles can go too.
I doubt that, if they permit nerdy singles, any of the nerdy singles there would be girls. I imagine they would all be sad, desperate, worthless, pathetic, friendless guys like me. An attractive, geeky girl would have been claimed by some guy (or girl) in a heartbeat a long time ago.
That's how I feel about women. The same way I feel towards employment. I've never had either, and it seems like everything in the world is conspiring to keep it that way.
My sister called me a "pathetic narcissistic shithead" for cutting myself again a few days ago. I felt like I was asking for that one, that I deserved it. I saw it coming and I cut myself anyway because the only thing I can see for myself in the future is more pain and self-hate. I really want to see other things and other people.
I wish I could just get up from this chair right now and start living instead of typing about in a goddamned Star Wars forum on the Internet. But I feel that I don't deserve to.
