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Yeah, that would work, actually.
My preferred Skywalker Saga experience:
I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX
Community Focus Thread 1: The Phantom Menace — Page 21
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I spent the weekend studying the opening crawls of the movies (both from the theatrical cuts and fanedits), and was hoping to get some feedback on my take for Episode I:
The Jedi Knights, once the guardians
of peace and justice in the galaxy,
have become mere couriers to
a complacent, stagnant Galactic
Republic within the last
millennia.
The TRADE FEDERATION, with
aide from a specter of the Jedi’s
past, has exploited this galactic
malaise with an occupation of
the peaceful Planet Naboo.
Only a chance meeting of two
radical idealists, Jedi
Master QUI-GON JINN of
Coruscant and QUEEN AMIDALA
of Naboo, can hope to settle
this conflict…
Admittedly, there’s a lot I’m trying to cover here: Making the crawl a fitting introduction to the SW universe, stating that the Jedi golden age has waned, the failing state of the government, something from the Jedi’s past opts to threaten the peace, & placing Qui-Gon and Amidala as the most important characters in this episode (drawing on the “Padme as Death Star plans” idea) as well as two of the only people in the galaxy striving for positive social change. I also replaced “blockade” with “occupation” to go with the idea of only one ship being in Naboo space, so a blockade doesn’t conveniently disappear in Act Three.
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I spent the weekend studying the opening crawls of the movies (both from the theatrical cuts and fanedits), and was hoping to get some feedback on my take for Episode I:
The Jedi Knights, once the guardians
of peace and justice in the galaxy,
have become mere couriers to
a complacent, stagnant Galactic
Republic within the last
millennia.The TRADE FEDERATION, with
aide from a specter of the Jedi’s
past, has exploited this galactic
malaise with an occupation of
the peaceful Planet Naboo.Only a chance meeting of two
radical idealists, Jedi
Master QUI-GON JINN of
Coruscant and QUEEN AMIDALA
of Naboo, can hope to settle
this conflict…Admittedly, there’s a lot I’m trying to cover here: Making the crawl a fitting introduction to the SW universe, stating that the Jedi golden age has waned, the failing state of the government, something from the Jedi’s past opts to threaten the peace, & placing Qui-Gon and Amidala as the most important characters in this episode (drawing on the “Padme as Death Star plans” idea) as well as two of the only people in the galaxy striving for positive social change. I also replaced “blockade” with “occupation” to go with the idea of only one ship being in Naboo space, so a blockade doesn’t conveniently disappear in Act Three.
There’s some interesting ideas here, but I don’t know if it’s sufficiently engaging to be a proper Star Wars crawl: it feels more like dry exposition than the sort of heightened melodrama that made the OT crawls work so well. In particular, the third paragraph of the crawl should provide a natural bridge to the opening scene, like “pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents” in ANH or “dispatched thousands of remote probes” in ESB.
Here’s my own take on the crawl from a few pages earlier, so we can compare and contrast with your version:
The galaxy is in chaos. Driven
by greed and lust for power,
the ruthless Trade Federation
has blockaded the peaceful
planet of Naboo.
As the Federation prepares
to send their fearsome droid
armies to seize the planet’s
valuable resources, the last
hope of Naboo’s queen lies in
the Jedi Knights, guardians of
peace and wielders of the
mystic Force.
Hearing her desperate pleas,
the Chancellor of the Galactic
Republic has sent Jedi master
Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice
to bargain for the queen’s
freedom, unaware that a
sinister force is behind these
shocking events…
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Thanks, Starkiller. I figured I was trying to do too much with the crawl. I realize I had based a lot of the crawl on L8wrtr’s for Shadow of the Sith, and it looks like my attempt to streamline it just made it more wordy. Here’s the Shadow of the Sith crawl for reference
A thousand years have
passed since the Jedi Order
vanquished the evil Sith
Lords.
The Galactic Senate has
come to rely on the Jedi to
settle disputes and maintain
peace throughout the
Republic.
Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn
and his apprentice, Obi-Wan
Kenobi, have been
dispatched by the Supreme
Chancellor to resolve a
Dispute between the Naboo
and the Neimoidian Trade
Federation.
Little do the Jedi know that
a Phantom Menace has
been plotting revenge…
Honestly, I had forgotten there was a fourth paragraph to that crawl until I rewatched that edit for last week. Let’s try adapting the “Padme is the Death Star Plans” crawl:
The GALACTIC REPUBLIC is failing.
As its Senate further stagnates,
QUEEN AMIDALA, elected ruler
of the planet Naboo, stands as
a vocal champion against
corruption.
The TRADE FEDERATION,
exploiting the galactic
malaise, has established an
occupation of her planet
in order to force her
compliance.
Bucking conventional wisdom,
Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn,
mystical wielder of THE FORCE,
has taken his apprentice to
safely bring the Queen into
galactic custody…
I think it’s important for Padme and Qui-Gon to be part of the few in the galaxy who know that the system is broken & needs to be changed. Qui-Gon “bucking conventional wisdom” & going on an impromptu mission plays later into the movie when Obi-Wan says that if Qui-Gon would just listen to the council more then he’d have a seat. Qui-Gon is a character who will choose being good over being lawful. I’m curious about the use of “bringing the Queen safely into custody,” but I like it as a way to conflate the idea that the Jedi are the Senate’s police force. Plus, I like it as a subtle reference to Leia being “custodian of the stolen [Death Star] plans” in ANH’s crawl.
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Been lurking in this thread for a while, and wanted to bring up an idea. Now I forget who exactly suggested this initially, but someone tossed around the idea of Qui-Gon guiding Anakin via the force.
It’s been some time since I looked at this thread in detail, so not I’m exactly sure how far that idea went. But there was an aspect of that change that stuck out to me, particularly the idea of him meditating during his call-out versus when he’s dying. If you could take a moment to read through this I think this change specific change could add a lot more weight the story.
On the outside it may seem like such a minor change. However, something like this can explain what happens right after. What if this force telepathy of sorts drains him of his stamina significantly? And it’s this act that causes mold in the upper hand and finish him off. Now it may seem foolish for quae gone to potentially risk his life to help Anakin. But remember Jinn truly believes Anakin is the chosen one, the hope of the galaxy. It would be completely in his character to lay his life down not only because he’s compassionate for Anakin, but so the galaxy may prosper. And as we see early in the movie, he’s no stranger to making huge gambits. Something like this that only parallels ANH with Obi’s sacrifice but also Luke in TLJ with the force weakening him. As George Lucas would say it would be “poetry”.
But we can also take it even further with the implications and set ups this has for the future. Obi-Wan’s harsh treatment of Aniken in AOTC could be stem from repressed resentment that he has towards Anakin for being an indirect catalyst in his Master’s death. But he would never want to admit it, considering he truly does love Anakin as a brother. You could even say that Obi seeing Qui-Gon’s defiance within Anakin is the first trait that causes him to feel a familiarity with boy and leads to their initial bond. As such, another reason he’s so strict with him is because he doesn’t want Ani doing anything reckless that would cause him to sacrifice himself, the way his master once did.
Seems minor on the surface initially, but it brings huge narrative pay off in terms of the overall story. Would probably help if some highlighted how much this is sacrifice for Qui-Gon with facial close-ups of him straining himself. Maybe with some sweat, and the reddening of his face. Not sure how possible this is in terms the visual edits. Another option would be to have Qui Gon’s voice fade in and out while also sounding rushed with Anakin picking up on it. Some edited voice clips from when the two of them are running away from Maul back on Tatooine could facilitate this idea. Something along the lines of “Qui-Gon slow down” Or “Qui-Gon you sound tired”.
If Anakin was made aware of Qui-Gon’s sacrifice, it’s only natural that you’d want to aspire to be more like him by being a risk taker in the future.
In any case, these are the kind of things that insomnia can do to a guy. I’m no editor myself, so this is an exactly something I’d be able to do. I just really wanted to get this idea out there for feedback and consideration.
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I watched Q2’s Episode 1 edit for the first time yesterday and it got me thinking: Could you make Maul the Sith that the Trade Federation is in league with? You’d have to darken his face in his hood, cut out frames in the Tatooine lightsaber duel that show his face off, maybe even shoot new footage of Maul alone on Tatooine to sell the idea, but it would be fun to redub his lines and make him more of an active villain in the movie. Plus that “but which was destroyed, the master or the apprentice” line hits harder because there’s another Sith still out there, especially if you’re not teasing that Palpatine’s behind it all too early.
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I watched Q2’s Episode 1 edit for the first time yesterday and it got me thinking: Could you make Maul the Sith that the Trade Federation is in league with? You’d have to darken his face in his hood, cut out frames in the Tatooine lightsaber duel that show his face off, maybe even shoot new footage of Maul alone on Tatooine to sell the idea, but it would be fun to redub his lines and make him more of an active villain in the movie. Plus that “but which was destroyed, the master or the apprentice” line hits harder because there’s another Sith still out there, especially if you’re not teasing that Palpatine’s behind it all too early.
Agreed. Tipping Palpatine too early is one of the biggest issues I have with the prequels. Yes, it’s obvious for old-school fans, but it’d be cool if he was a mystery to new viewers, just as he is to the characters.
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I watched Q2’s Episode 1 edit for the first time yesterday and it got me thinking: Could you make Maul the Sith that the Trade Federation is in league with? You’d have to darken his face in his hood, cut out frames in the Tatooine lightsaber duel that show his face off, maybe even shoot new footage of Maul alone on Tatooine to sell the idea, but it would be fun to redub his lines and make him more of an active villain in the movie. Plus that “but which was destroyed, the master or the apprentice” line hits harder because there’s another Sith still out there, especially if you’re not teasing that Palpatine’s behind it all too early.
Making it ambiguous should be doable, at least.
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That would probably work best, if you’d dub Maul completely. That shouldnt be too much effort due to the little dialogue he has in the original. Additionally, it would free your hand at implementing more radical changes to the plot. For example, there was this idea floating around on this site about changing the motivation of the Naimodians to aquiring the energy technology of the Naboo in order to power a larger droid army.
“Vader! Hologram, now!”
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I’ve just been re-reading the thread, and have taken another crack at the opening crawl based on all of the popular ideas so far.
I was looking to include:
- Language which both gives clarity of understanding, and evokes emotion and dynamism
- “Golden age is ending”
- Namedropping ‘Galactic Republic’ early, and showing it’s corrupt and bureaucratic (but in an interesting way)
- Trade Federation vs Naboo as the central threat, with the TF greedy and aggressive, and Naboo humanised
- Padme Amidala as a protector and central to the conflict
- A hint of a bigger threat ‘behind the curtain’
- Valorum (by title but not by name) ‘dispatching the Jedi’ since it’s referenced often onscreen
- A little more description of the function and purpose of the Jedi Order, especially including hints at their magic, since this is the first chronological story
- A deliberate inconsistency between the Jedi as protectors of peace AND tools of the (corrupt) Republic
- A slight clarification of the Jedi Order (the institution) and the Jedi Knights (its agents)
- Qui-Gon Jinn named early, since he’s not named onscreen until deep into the movie, and identifying him as the main agent of change in the story
I wanted to not contradict anything that is seen onscreen. I also chose to retain some of the ambiguity already in the plot and the existing crawl; as much as we often try to do this (and I’ve fallen into this trap myself), the opening crawl is not the place to fix issues with the storyline.
This crawl has the right word count (82 vs 75-88), character count (500 vs 450-500) and line length (~28 max characters).
The golden age of the Galactic
Republic is ending. As corruption
grows, the greedy Trade Federation
has blockaded the peaceful planet
of Naboo.
Desperate to protect her people,
Queen Amidala has appealed for
urgent support, but the Republic
Senate is mired in endless debate.
Fearing a more sinister motive
behind the aggressive move, the
Supreme Chancellor has directed
the Jedi Order, mystical guardians
of peace and justice, to secretly
dispatch Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn
and his young apprentice to settle
the conflict…
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I’ve just been re-reading the thread, and have taken another crack at the opening crawl based on all of the popular ideas so far.
I was looking to include:
- Language which both gives clarity of understanding, and evokes emotion and dynamism
- “Golden age is ending”
- Namedropping ‘Galactic Republic’ early, and showing it’s corrupt and bureaucratic (but in an interesting way)
- Trade Federation vs Naboo as the central threat, with the TF greedy and aggressive, and Naboo humanised
- Padme Amidala as a protector and central to the conflict
- A hint of a bigger threat ‘behind the curtain’
- Valorum (by title but not by name) ‘dispatching the Jedi’ since it’s referenced often onscreen
- A little more description of the function and purpose of the Jedi Order, especially including hints at their magic, since this is the first chronological story
- A deliberate inconsistency between the Jedi as protectors of peace AND tools of the (corrupt) Republic
- A slight clarification of the Jedi Order (the institution) and the Jedi Knights (its agents)
- Qui-Gon Jinn named early, since he’s not named onscreen until deep into the movie, and identifying him as the main agent of change in the story
I wanted to not contradict anything that is seen onscreen. I also chose to retain some of the ambiguity already in the plot and the existing crawl; as much as we often try to do this (and I’ve fallen into this trap myself), the opening crawl is not the place to fix issues with the storyline.
This crawl has the right word count (82 vs 75-88), character count (500 vs 450-500) and line length (~28 max characters).
The golden age of the Galactic
Republic is ending. As corruption
grows, the greedy Trade Federation
has blockaded the peaceful planet
of Naboo.Desperate to protect her people,
Queen Amidala has appealed for
urgent support, but the Republic
Senate is mired in endless debate.Fearing a more sinister motive
behind the aggressive move, the
Supreme Chancellor has directed
the Jedi Order, mystical guardians
of peace and justice, to secretly
dispatch Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn
and his young apprentice to settle
the conflict…
Re-reading the thread is a good exercise. I’m back to drawing board on start of Episode 1 because what I’ve tried so far is too uneven. Started thinking a new scene is needed.
I like the way you’ve framed the story here. It is way more coherent. And I like it fitting the normal parameters of a crawl. My only quibble is about omniscient expressions “the golden age is ending,” as to opposed to merely how things are, eg “A golden age for the Galactic Republic is being exploited by [opportunists or something].”
The blue elephant in the room.
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Some little tweaks, re-emphasising the Queen’s importance to the Republic as a whole (and keeping her as the “death star plans” of this movie), reducing the Trade Federation motive, reassigning the suspicion of a ‘sinister motive’ to the Jedi instead of Valorum, and clarified Qui-Gon’s mission. I’ve reordered parts so that as many phrases as possible don’t cross over onto two lines, so each line is interesting as you read it.
The Galactic Republic’s golden
age is ending. As corruption
spreads, Queen Amidala of
Naboo speaks out in defence
of democracy.
The greedy Trade Federation,
in a shocking move, has sent
a battle fleet to blockade her
planet. With the Senate in
turmoil, the Supreme Chancellor
secretly directs the Jedi Order
to help.
Sensing a darker motive behind
the crisis, the Jedi Order,
mystical guardians of peace
and justice, dispatch Master
Qui-Gon Jinn and his young
apprentice to protect the
planet and its Queen…
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Must be something in the water. A further refinement:
A golden age is ending.
As corruption grips the Galactic
Republic, Queen Amidala stands
firm in defence of democracy.
In a shocking move, the powerful
Trade Federation has sent a
deadly war fleet to surround
her planet of Naboo. With the
Senate fearful to act, the
Supreme Chancellor has secretly
directed the Jedi Order, mystical
wielders of The Force, to
keep the peace.
Sensing a darker cause behind
this crisis, the Jedi dispatch
wise Master Qui-Gon Jinn, with
his young apprentice, to protect
the Queen and her people…
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Can AI dialogue be used to have Shmi Skywalker indicate Anakin’s father died shortly after Anakin was born or possibly abandoned them?
Is there audio of the actress in other roles that can be used here to bypass the virgin birth narrative?
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Here’s my take on Dooku at Qui-Gon’s funeral - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZG4vK3uxOIE
I was obviously inspired by Snooker’s mock-up, but I also incorporated some lines from their conversation in Tales of the Jedi during a brief flashback. Lossless VFX clips can be found at the link in the description, and they’re in full color if you don’t like the black and white effect.
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Nice work! I especially like how Dooku turns away from memory in the end, nice style.
“Vader! Hologram, now!”
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Must be something in the water. A further refinement:
The Galactic Republic’s golden
age is ending. As corruption
grows, Queen Amidala of Naboo
fights to defend democracy.In a show of force, the greedy
Trade Federation has sent a
deadly war fleet to surround
her planet. While the Senate
debates endlessly, the Supreme
Chancellor urgently directs the
Jedi Order, mystical guardians
of peace and justice, to help.Sensing a darker cause behind
this crisis, the Jedi dispatch
wise Master Qui-Gon Jinn and
his young apprentice to protect
the Queen and her people…
I like this, but I agree with @Mrebo that the first line doesn’t sound like a Star Wars crawl, it’s not present enough. I made a few small changes, going through all 3, and adding some of my own ideas. 88 words.
The waning golden age of the GALACTIC REPUBLIC faces exploitation by rogue opportunists. As corruption spreads, Queen Amidala of Naboo demands justice when the greedy Trade Federation traps her peaceful planet behind a blockade.
While the Republic Senate is mired in endless debate, the SUPREME CHANCELLOR chooses a secret path of his own, directing the Jedi Order, mystical guardians of peace and justice, to intervene.
Sensing a darker presence at hand, the Order dispatches Jedi Knight QUI-GON JINN and his apprentice to aid the Queen and her people…
I wanted to add something at the end like, “and uncover a possible threat to the galaxy…” but I couldn’t find anything else to cut, and I thought that might be too much anyway.
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Concerning the crawl discussions, I was wondering if you could mention the Trade Federation targetting Naboo for its valuable plasma. As is, it’d be a bit of a clumsy inclusion, but the plasma is there in the movie’s visual subtext, and I can’t help but feel more could be done with it. Granted, the crawl’s maybe not the place for that.
I watched Q2’s Episode 1 edit for the first time yesterday and it got me thinking: Could you make Maul the Sith that the Trade Federation is in league with? You’d have to darken his face in his hood, cut out frames in the Tatooine lightsaber duel that show his face off, maybe even shoot new footage of Maul alone on Tatooine to sell the idea, but it would be fun to redub his lines and make him more of an active villain in the movie. Plus that “but which was destroyed, the master or the apprentice” line hits harder because there’s another Sith still out there, especially if you’re not teasing that Palpatine’s behind it all too early.
I’ve actually always wanted to replace Sidious with Dooku. You can still keep him introducing Maul that way and it serves to give the Prequels a more unifying villain.
Agreed. Tipping Palpatine too early is one of the biggest issues I have with the prequels. Yes, it’s obvious for old-school fans, but it’d be cool if he was a mystery to new viewers, just as he is to the characters.
If you ask me, the Prequels are way better when you know Palpatine is Sidious. Otherwise he’s just this random politician we’re spending an awfully long time on. Seeing him build himself up as Emperor is far more entertaining.
For example, there was this idea floating around on this site about changing the motivation of the Naimodians to aquiring the energy technology of the Naboo in order to power a larger droid army.
Ah-ha! See this is what I was talking about when I said there’s potential in exploring the plasma subtext. If plasma powers the droids, that gives a clear motive for the Trade Federation to invade while also posing the ominous question of what they need this droid army for if it’s not just for invading Naboo.
Do not DM me for edits. Whatever you’re looking for I don’t have it.