The Place to Go for Emotional Support — Page 35

Warbler said:

Mike O said:

I wish I had a vice; I could use some smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, something to take the edge off. I’m sick of not being able to sit and relax and watch TV. At least I think that’s a reasonable request. So yeah. Fun day.

trust me, you do not want to get addicted to drinking or drugs. This would only make your situation worse.

Yes, quite often “vice” exacerbates issues like yours.

I know, I know. I’m prett proud of myself, all things considered, but at this point, something that could numb the pain might be nice. I’m out with my friends, but instead of joking around with them and having fun, I’m trapped inside of my own fucking head. Small above-water moments don’t feel worth it in the throes of the worst episodes. And this new psychologist I’m seeing Monday can’t prescribe. I know it’s a mistake to place too much hope in medication, but I think it might help somewhat. Maybe he can connect me with someone who can. I wish I had some way of erasing my memories, of putting myself back to where I belonged. That would be the easiest way. I’m so tired of hurting. Fighting doesn’t even help; even giving in and giving up means more of the pain, it’s damned if I do, damned if I don’t. There are better moments, but they’re harder to take solace in.

Warbler said:

Mike O said:

So, let’s recap: my mother’s best friend, not even 60, was barely able to walk last week. Upon medical examination, she has amazing levels of damage to her spine. God only knows what medical science will attempt to do. My uncle is almost having a nervous breakdown because he is attempting to get my grandfather, age 82, to undergo some tests for geriatric conditions, particularly regarding his balance, and install something in the shower for the same purpose. He has gotten angry, which I have never seen him do, insisting that he wants to continue with his life as it was even after the life-threatening fall he recently took, refusing to slow down.

Warn your Grandfather about my father’s story. This started out as balance problems. He has fallen many times(though not as serious as this recent time). Last October he fell and had a gash in the back of his head that he needed staples in. He fell again in January and we think it had something to do with causing his sciatica. This inflicted terrible pain on him for about six months. He finally got an operation that cured it and was recovering when this latest fall happened. He has had severe bleeding on the brain and may never recover and be sane again. Ask your Grandfather if he wants all that. If he is on a blood thinner, it increases the risk of the bleeding on the brain.

He’s just not wanting to face up to be fact that he’s 82 years old now. He’s fiercely independent, and that’s fine, but he’s pushing hard against it and getting frustrated by the fact that he can’t operate the way he could even a few years ago. I think it’s pushing him to fight against it harder, and it’s not health. I’m very fortunate to have him still around and in relatively good health, but I fear something happening to him every day. I know I’ll have to lose him eventually, but hopefully he still has more years in him, but he really needs to bite the bullet and accept that he needs help and some lifestyle changes.

My aunt, who’s parents are geriatric and spends a lot of time helping them, is increasingly frustrated at him because of what she perceives as his inability to help, causing friction in their marriage, with my mother, and my grandfather, whom I live in fear every day of losing or of facing senility. My mother has also discovered that apparently one of her other friends has cancer, and that some personal information she sent to the post office has gone missing. She has long live in fear of identity theft. She’s near tears. This was all just today, mind. God only knows what awaits in the future.

man, that is terrible. I don’t what to say. I will keep your family in my prayers and hope things get better.

The prayers are kind, it’s a shame in the midst of a horrific crisis of faith which I’m fairly sure won’t end well. I just want my mind back, I want to be Able to feel comfortable again, like my mind isn’t a car with the clutch out.

I’ve been more comfortable coming home tonight, though from from where I should be. Though I’ve managed to set up an appointment with a psychologist, there’s not telling if he’s good or how effective he’ll be, and it’s a significant ride. More importantly, I need a fucking psyiatrist who can prescribe fucking medication. My OCD-Depression-Anxiety-whatever is not improving, particularly while I’m at work, nor is the dawning realization of what a mess I’ve made of my life. As I text my mother in the throes of some of it further stresses her, making her insist I’m suicidal. I’m not; sometimes, I’m OK, sometimes, I feel like my head will explode or the depression is an unmanageable weight. And I kind of need to keep fucking going to work.

I also have to face my other friend about the fact that this while scenario, not to mention my discomfort, means that we’re going to have to bail on our travel plans, so I’m going to have to deal with that when I get up, and I am not looking forward to it. Really, really, really, really not looking forward to, and shouldn’t have talked about it when I knew I’d chicken out, but I do feel like these recent psychological issues are a sufficient reason too. To be fair.

Good luck getting the help you need. I hope for the best.

I hope so too. But I’m not very confident at this point.

I wish I had a vice; I could use some smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, something to take the edge off. I’m sick of not being able to sit and relax and watch TV. At least I think that’s a reasonable request. So yeah. Fun day.

trust me, you do not want to get addicted to drinking or drugs. This would only make your situation worse.

I know that, I do. But at this point, even some temporary relief would be nice.

On the subject of breakups, I’d definitely recommend not holding a grudge, but I’d also sever ties, at least for a while.

DominicCobb said:

Tyrphanax said:

Damn Dom, I’m sorry.

Breakups are hard. Went through a massive one myself last year.

All I can say is keep moving forward because it will get better.

TV’s Frink said:

Aww dammit, sorry man.

Bingowings said:

Breakups can leave just as much if not more of an negative impact as a bereavement.

When you enter a relationship you merge the threads of your individual lives into a single cloth. If that has to come to an end it’s better, where possible to carefully unpick the stitches.

All the cliches about being torn up, ripped to bits, falling to pieces, they don’t come from nowhere. It’s all real human stuff.

Thanks guys. This helped me more the other day than I thought it would. It’s rare that I’m a slave to my emotions but this has been tough.

The real pain of it is that we were a great pair. She didn’t break up with me because we were having arguments or we didn’t get along anymore or she became bored or found someone else or whatever it is that usually ends things. No, she was still very much into me. It’s just, it had become long distance (well it had been for awhile but had just recently become a distance at which it would be very hard to see each other) and was to remain long distance indefinitely, which was just scary for her and she couldn’t handle it. So I don’t know in some ways this has been harder to come to grips with.

I’m feeling a bit better now. I’ve decided that even though I might not be able to (or want to) get over it I can get used to it (and I’ll have to). The hard part is the despair. It’s just very hard to see a scenario in which we can get back together. I’ve always been an optimist so coming to terms with this fact is a real bitch. And I know I know there are more fish in the sea and blah blah and I know I’m a pretty young guy who doesn’t know much but I’ve never met a girl who’s made as much sense to me as her.

Thoughts are with your father Warb and with you Mike.

Thanks, man. I really wish I could offer some sort of advice to you, but I’ve nene been in that kind of a relationship. I can only imagine what you’re going through, and hell, without any range of experience, I’m not even sure I can imagine it. It must be like losing part of you. I wish I could offer some wise words, but I’m not a wise man, and feel like anything I said would be empty platitudes. I am sorry, man. I hope someone here can off you good advice, or better still, someone in your real life as well or a professional. Hopefully you’ll heal over time, and come away stronger. I don’t know if you will or can, but it’s all I can offer. I hope you feel better, man.

Warbler, if you want to keep us all updated on your grandfather, feel free to. I can at least try to empathize with you, and it’s horrible to think that you could still still have a sad outcome after all of this fighting. As someone having a horrific crisis of faith, I can only say that I hope that God smiles upon you and that you have some good fortune in this. I feel like there’s a limit to the amount of pain you should have to suffer through. I don’t think that the universe works that way, but I hope you get some good luck.

My mother called again today afraid I was suicidal (I wasn’t), which was no fun, and my depression crippled me to sleep through half of my day off. I’m still running, but I’m getting a better understanding of what “dead inside” means. The yo-yo of this obsessive-compulsiveness and depression and endless circle of obsessive thinking, to the eventual functioning anxiety while I work, an endless spiral. I’m sick of it. It’s just a way I shouldn’t have to live. It’s so hard.

I got an appointment with a new shrink on Monday, but he can’t prescribe. I hope I’m not too hopeful about his or havr unrealistic expectations, but I really do think a change in it would be helpful. It’s about all I can think of at this point. I’m tired of fighting. But even giving up hurts just as much. I just don’t know what to do.

I’m beginning to understand what the expression “envy the dead” means. God, this is fucking hell. I’ve barely eaten or slept in a day and a half.

Warbler said:

The infection cleared up and he is back at the rehab facility. Today, he was the best he has been since the the fall. He could actually talk a little and ask questions. He had some of idea of what was going on around him. I think he understood for the first time what had happened and that he had been out of it for multiple weeks. I’m not sure he quite understood where he was. For a few moments I thought that he might have thought he was at home. So he is not any where near 100%, but he is miraculously better than where he was a few days ago. I pray that he keeps improving.

That’s great news, Warb! I hope he can go all the way back to perfect health. Sending more prayers and good vibes his way!

Bingowings said:

Mike O said:

I’m beginning to understand what the expression “envy the dead” means. God, this is fucking hell. I’ve barely eaten or slept in a day and a half.

I don’t mean this to sound harsh or uncaring but it’s the internet and text only communication can come out that way. But eat something and go to bed. Even if you don’t want to, even if you don’t sleep. Rested insomnia is less harmful than restless insomnia. Force yourself to lie in bed under cover for six hours. Don’t take the phone. If you must read something take a book. Treat food as medicine. Depression can utterly wipe out appetite but people shouldn’t eat to sate appetite they should eat for fuelling physical health. If you must combine the two take a packed lunch to bed. Something balanced and healthy. And make yourself eat all of it. And drink water. Once again even if it’s a chore. Avoid stimulants like coffee and tea. Eventually your sleep patterns will return and your appreciation of food will return but give it time. You have an illness. If you had a cold or flu you would probably lose sleep and appetite but you would probably be less hard on yourself about it.

A cold or the flu would go away eventually. This won’t ever. But I did finally get some food. I slept through like half of my last day off, and that threw off my sleep Schedule for the next couple of days. I’ll catch up tonight, I guess. This is not good for physical health as well as my mental health now. I feel like…I don’t know anymore. This is taking my mind. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.

It may not ever fully go away, but it can be managed and mitigated with time and work.

A few months ago, I was fine, now I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life? Doesn’t sound appealing. My brain has been an endless cycle all day at work while I keep going, it’s like Cartesian mind-body dualism, and it seems to be a worsening mental spiral. Hopefully I’ll get some sleep tonight, anyway. I’m so tired of this. I don’t know how much longer I can take it, and from where I am now, it’s pretty fucking hard to feel like I’ll ever feel any better or like I did once before. I see that new psychologist tomorrow, hopefully he can refer me to a psychiatrist who can prescribe something, if anything will help. I’m scared half to death of the appointment, and have no idea how compatible, if at all, I’ll be with him. It takes so long to get help, if it’ll help, so long for medication to work. I’m just tired of this.

Warbler, I am certainly glad to hear about your father! Hopefully his health will continue to improve. It sounds like there’s a long way to go, but it does sound like some genuine progress, and that is marvelous.

Seeing another psychologist today, might have a yet another lined up who’s an actual psychiatrist who can prescribe. My nerves are about as shredded as tires after a drag race, God only knows what will happen. I’m going to try to eat in a few minutes. Slept for a long, long time, and I’ll be honest, I’d still be sleeping if it weren’t for the appointment. I’m a mess.

Hang in there Mike. You can do it.

Had my first session with this new guy yesterday. He’s quite nice, and we’ll see how things go, he gave me a bit of homework as it were. I stopped off for pizza afterwards, and got home around 6:00. I went to bed, and good Lord, when I woke up, it was 11:00 the next day! I finally pulled myself out of bed, took a shower, and ate some food. I still feel groggy and out of it a little bit, but hopefully the food will sync up with my metabolism. The new guy is nice, and we’ll see how things go with him. My mother’s friend’s daughter is seeing a psychiatrist who can actually prescribe medication and is seeing if I can get an appointment there as well. I don’t have super high expectations or feel particularly well right now, but at least this is an attempt at something.

Bingowings said:

Set an alarm for these sorts of things. If you are having long periods of insomnia you have to be wary of the rebound and not getting things you need to do done.

Well, it hasn’t interfered with my work as of yet. But it’s burning away my days off.

Warbler said:

Mike O said:

Seeing another psychologist today, might have a yet another lined up who’s an actual psychiatrist who can prescribe. My nerves are about as shredded as tires after a drag race, God only knows what will happen. I’m going to try to eat in a few minutes. Slept for a long, long time, and I’ll be honest, I’d still be sleeping if it weren’t for the appointment. I’m a mess.

I don’t understand exactly what is going with you, but I do really hope you get the help you need. I’m praying for you.

I appreciate it. It’s hard.

Tyrphanax said:

Hang in there Mike. You can do it.

I hope so. Thanks to everyone for their kindness.

Mike O said:

Had my first session with this new guy yesterday. He’s quite nice, and we’ll see how things go, he gave me a bit of homework as it were. I stopped off for pizza afterwards, and got home around 6:00. I went to bed, and good Lord, when I woke up, it was 11:00 the next day! I finally pulled myself out of bed, took a shower, and ate some food. I still feel groggy and out of it a little bit, but hopefully the food will sync up with my metabolism. The new guy is nice, and we’ll see how things go with him. My mother’s friend’s daughter is seeing a psychiatrist who can actually prescribe medication and is seeing if I can get an appointment there as well. I don’t have super high expectations or feel particularly well right now, but at least this is an attempt at something.

Bingowings said:

Set an alarm for these sorts of things. If you are having long periods of insomnia you have to be wary of the rebound and not getting things you need to do done.

Well, it hasn’t interfered with my work as of yet. But it’s burning away my days off.

Warbler said:

Mike O said:

Seeing another psychologist today, might have a yet another lined up who’s an actual psychiatrist who can prescribe. My nerves are about as shredded as tires after a drag race, God only knows what will happen. I’m going to try to eat in a few minutes. Slept for a long, long time, and I’ll be honest, I’d still be sleeping if it weren’t for the appointment. I’m a mess.

I don’t understand exactly what is going with you, but I do really hope you get the help you need. I’m praying for you.

I appreciate it. It’s hard.

Tyrphanax said:

Hang in there Mike. You can do it.

I hope so. Thanks to everyone for their kindness.

That’s great news about the session! Homework is a great thing for therapy, and it looks like it means that this guy really knows his stuff. Keep up with him and work hard.

Glad to hear you got some sleep and some food in you, as well.