I for one am glad you are writing this. It must be very difficult and bizarre for you fathom let alone explain. On the surface an addiction to watching anything would sound silly compared to a substance abuse problem.
It’s unbelievably silly, or it would be if it was so fucking scary.
Addiction to porn would be easier to fathom. That it is an addiction to theological discussion videos and it’s clearly having such a debilitating effect on you would be something I would find difficult to explain to a stranger.
Hell, I can barely explain it to myself. It’s so insane.
That you are and so eloquently is an astounding testament to the human capacity to survive even the strangest of maladies.
Thank you. I am quite flattered.
I would recommend you transfer your phone sim to a dumb phone.
Can I do that with a smartphone? How could I transfer it back? I’ll be honest, I use my phone for a lot, starting with this kind of stuff. It might be hard to be without it. And even then, given that I have access to all of this stuff when I get home, it seems self-defeating.
Having easy access to these films is leaving you open to indulge these impulses on the go. I am concerned that your emotional state in these circumstances coupled with use of a car could end in possible tragedy. If your phone has no video capabilities you will have to come home to abide your urge to watch these films and you will not be emotionally vulnerable in a public place.
My therapist has actually talked a little about this, in the information, there is literal access to millions of videos, books, etc, and he talked about how important it can be to be selective or unplug. Being a therapist in this day and age must be frightening, and he pointed out, it’s only going to get worse. I wish I could heed his advice.
Bingowings is right. You have to change your telephone. Get your family, friends, and colleagues to help you restrict your access to these videos. I mentioned this early in the thread and feel it’s a step that you should really try to take at this stage.
That sounds possible, but hard. The compulsions are strong that I don’t know what I’d do during a nine-hour shift at work if I couldn’t indulge them, the effect could be unpleasant.
And we may be strangers on the internet, but that doesn’t stop us from genuinely caring about your welfare or from being here for you as much as we can be. Stay in touch.
Thanks. It’s odd, but I like the kindness, and you guys are appreciative and kind.
I made it home safely. I’m actually pretty functional behind the wheel of the car. I can order food, talk to people, operate computers, so I can function if forced to. In a way, that’s kind of scarier.
I’m not trying to undermine your confidence but distress is distracting, it alters your brain chemistry. It’s not as dangerous as drink driving but it will lower your usual levels of decision making by heightening the fight or flight response. It’s the adrenaline. So seriously consider moving to a dumb phone and if things are really tense leave the car parked over night and use public transport. Even if you feel you can drive.
No worthwhile public transit where I reside, unfortunately. This has never happened this badly before, so I am more than a little frightened.
I do definitely second the above posts.
Bring your access to these videos up with your therapist, see what they recommend about your phone and computer. You should definitely bring up this post with them in that context.
I copied that post and put it in the journal he’s telling me to keep. Can’t imagine what he’ll think when he reads it.
You’re going through a darker time than usual right now. They will happen, but the important thing to remember is that you’ll make it through them. We’re all here for you!
Shit, many, I know. But I’ve been working hard to try to stop this: exercise, blood work, medicine, therapy, socializing. And it feels worse instead of better. It’s so goddamn frustrating.