The Place to Go for Emotional Support — Page 26

When you first started posting about this here a few weeks back, you had almost no control over your compulsions. Today, you managed to hold it off for an hour. That’s progress that you can measure.

A week from now? Two? A month? A year? Ten?

It’s worth it, believe me. Don’t give up. I’m here for ya.

That’s big progress given how short of a time it’s been since you’ve sought professional assistance.

Bingowings said:

How is your physical health? Is your blood pressure being measured? You have been finding food unenjoyable but are you still forcing yourself to eat healthy food and drink enough fluids?

I’m going in for a physical examination today. I do drink a lot of fluids (it’s hot where I am), but this is hell on my appetite, and I am eating a lot less and spending a ton of time in bed crippled by it, frequently sleeping through giant chunks of the day. God only knows what I’ll do when I have to go back to wood next week. TMI, but what I do eat has tended to be bad for my stomach and I’ve been spending quite a bit of time in the bathroom. Hopefully that wasn’t vulgar.

Went to get a blood test today, but apparently you’re supposed to fast beforehand. Oops. I still have the info I need, I guess I’ll do it tomorrow. I’m going to see if they’ll check my thyroid too, can’t figure they’ll say no. It’s worth a shot. My family are really hurt from not being able to help, my mother says she’d take it from me if she could. I’m out with a friend again today for a few hours. I’m trying. I really am.

EDIT: Well, had foood for the first time since last night, only to find out that I have to fast before the test. I know, should be obvious. When I went into the restroom at my buddy’s house, I started to watch some anti-religion videos in the fucking bathroom. I think this is way past the point of being uncontrollable.

EDIT 2: Obsessively started reading about the freedom from religion foundation’s many lawsuits and battles. Man, the compulsions are not only more numerous, but they’re stronger. When things feel like they’re getting worse, it’s hard to imagine that they’ll ever get better. Now I’m on “the damage is done, I can never unread this” feedback loop. It’s just like every time I try to move out of the quicksand, I sink deeper.

The thing about this stuff is that unlike the quicksand we see in movies, the more you fight it, the closer you come to getting out.

Well, today was one of my worst ever. The compulsions got so bad that I was repeatedly checking an infamous video of Dan Barker getting kicked off of Fox News for being critical of a nativity scene and strongly criticizing Christianity. I’ve seen it at least a dozen times, and the compulsion to keep returning to it worsens every time. He whole point of OCD is that satiating the compulsions makes you temporarily relieved! What is happening?! Yes, I found the wording unpleasant and strong, but who cares? I also made the mistake of looking at the FFRF’s many lawsuits. Which again, is fine. It doesn’t effect me. I’m a firm believer in free speech, and he’s entitled to say those things. Moreover, as I’ve outlined, I’m much more sympathetic with the politics on the opposite side and am not deeply religious. I just don’t get why this is happening to my mind. I’ve outlined my own views on thee issues in previous pages at length. These other viewpoints need to be allowed to be out there, need to be allowed to be said, and I have repeatedly voted in favor of people being allowed to say these things. Yep. I heard that. Why can’t I move on with my life, think about something else, enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I still feel the compulsions even now. It’s insane. It literally controls me. What the hell is happening? My God, I feel like I’m going insane! I can STILL feel the compulsion, even now.

The thing about indulging compulsions is that in doing so, you give them control. A city with walls is always more difficult to enter than one without.

You know what you need to do (which is walk away from things that inflame your compulsions), because you say as much in these posts. I know it’s not nearly as simple as “just doing it”, but you can’t allow it to walk all over you.

Please show your therapist the post you just wrote, as I think it’s important.

Actually, I have been copying, pasting, and dating many of my posts here (editing the language a little) as the journal he’s been telling me to keep. Don’t know if it’s what he had in mind or not, but I’m going to show it to him.

That’s just fine! Either way you’re writing down how you feel in the moment, which is important.

He’ll sure see some unpleasantness, but hopefully it’ll give him a picture. Not a picture I like, but he’s a therapist, so at least he’ll see the truth. I know, I know, therapists have seen worse, I get it. That’s his job.

Mike O said:

He’ll sure see some unpleasantness, but hopefully it’ll give him a picture. Not a picture I like, but he’s a therapist, so at least he’ll see the truth. I know, I know, therapists have seen worse, I get it. That’s his job.

Exactly, man. They have to know the truth in order to understand. It’s painful and embarrassing, but it’s necessary.

You’re doing well, man. Keep it up.

Watched the video several more times. This compulsiveness is getting insane. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, but God only knows at this point. It’s like Groundhog Day in hell.

EDIT: First thing when I woke up this morning, the compulsions came on.

Went out for a car trip or significant length to get something from the library. Wound up firing up some videos and listening to them while I drove. 30 minutes or so. I still have a ways to go before I get home, I’m parked in a lot right now. The days of fighting anything are gone. I see my new doc again tomorrow, and I’ll tell him about this, but I think that I’m fucked. I’m actually crying in the parking spot. I feel like everything is in shambles now, and irreparable. I haven’t eaten since last night. I have to go back to work in a few days. I don’t know what to do. I can’t control this. I can’t. It controls me. I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I…I feel like it’s all too much to even think about. I just want to think about something else. I want to enjoy life. I want to enjoy something, to entertain myself, to feel happy, to have some sort of comfort back. God, I’m still crying. And I’m writing all of this for strangers on the Internet, because I don’t know what else to do if I can’t get it out. Why can’t I just stay asleep? Why? Waking up is becoming a horror show. God, please, help me. I made my peace with all of this long ago. I don’t need this. I don’t deserve this. Please, make it stop. The compulsions are still there. Make them fucking stop. After all that’s happened her rattling in my mind, I can’t imagine I can ever be fixed. I have to go home and eat and take my medicine, I had to fast for the blood Test. But I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel much of anything besides these compulsions, anxiety, and depression. I want food to taste good again.

Went in for some blood and urine work today. They tested for the thyroid too, which is good. Who knows how long it’ll take before They send the results to my NP and what she’ll say. Can’t imagine it’s anything out of the ordinary, but can’t hurt.

I made it home safely. I’m actually pretty functional behind the wheel of the car. I can order food, talk to people, operate computers, so I can function if forced to. In a way, that’s kind of scarier.

I do definitely second the above posts.

Bring your access to these videos up with your therapist, see what they recommend about your phone and computer. You should definitely bring up this post with them in that context.

You’re going through a darker time than usual right now. They will happen, but the important thing to remember is that you’ll make it through them. We’re all here for you!

Bingowings said:

I for one am glad you are writing this. It must be very difficult and bizarre for you fathom let alone explain. On the surface an addiction to watching anything would sound silly compared to a substance abuse problem.

It’s unbelievably silly, or it would be if it was so fucking scary.

Addiction to porn would be easier to fathom. That it is an addiction to theological discussion videos and it’s clearly having such a debilitating effect on you would be something I would find difficult to explain to a stranger.

Hell, I can barely explain it to myself. It’s so insane.

That you are and so eloquently is an astounding testament to the human capacity to survive even the strangest of maladies.

Thank you. I am quite flattered.

I would recommend you transfer your phone sim to a dumb phone.

Can I do that with a smartphone? How could I transfer it back? I’ll be honest, I use my phone for a lot, starting with this kind of stuff. It might be hard to be without it. And even then, given that I have access to all of this stuff when I get home, it seems self-defeating.

Having easy access to these films is leaving you open to indulge these impulses on the go. I am concerned that your emotional state in these circumstances coupled with use of a car could end in possible tragedy. If your phone has no video capabilities you will have to come home to abide your urge to watch these films and you will not be emotionally vulnerable in a public place.

My therapist has actually talked a little about this, in the information, there is literal access to millions of videos, books, etc, and he talked about how important it can be to be selective or unplug. Being a therapist in this day and age must be frightening, and he pointed out, it’s only going to get worse. I wish I could heed his advice.

Chewtobacca said:

Bingowings is right. You have to change your telephone. Get your family, friends, and colleagues to help you restrict your access to these videos. I mentioned this early in the thread and feel it’s a step that you should really try to take at this stage.

That sounds possible, but hard. The compulsions are strong that I don’t know what I’d do during a nine-hour shift at work if I couldn’t indulge them, the effect could be unpleasant.

And we may be strangers on the internet, but that doesn’t stop us from genuinely caring about your welfare or from being here for you as much as we can be. Stay in touch.

Thanks. It’s odd, but I like the kindness, and you guys are appreciative and kind.

Bingowings said:

Mike O said:

I made it home safely. I’m actually pretty functional behind the wheel of the car. I can order food, talk to people, operate computers, so I can function if forced to. In a way, that’s kind of scarier.

I’m not trying to undermine your confidence but distress is distracting, it alters your brain chemistry. It’s not as dangerous as drink driving but it will lower your usual levels of decision making by heightening the fight or flight response. It’s the adrenaline. So seriously consider moving to a dumb phone and if things are really tense leave the car parked over night and use public transport. Even if you feel you can drive.

No worthwhile public transit where I reside, unfortunately. This has never happened this badly before, so I am more than a little frightened.

Tyrphanax said:

I do definitely second the above posts.

Bring your access to these videos up with your therapist, see what they recommend about your phone and computer. You should definitely bring up this post with them in that context.

I copied that post and put it in the journal he’s telling me to keep. Can’t imagine what he’ll think when he reads it.

You’re going through a darker time than usual right now. They will happen, but the important thing to remember is that you’ll make it through them. We’re all here for you!

Shit, many, I know. But I’ve been working hard to try to stop this: exercise, blood work, medicine, therapy, socializing. And it feels worse instead of better. It’s so goddamn frustrating.

I’ve said this before, but you need to get a flip phone and disconnect your internet. I highly doubt you’ll drive all the way to a location with public computers in order to watch these videos.

Saw my new therapist again today. He’s very kind, experienced, and obviously smart. I gave a journal of sorts that I’ve been keeping of some things I actually typed out during my worst episodes. Not pleasant, but he’s a therapist, I’m sure he’s seen plenty worse. I know, it’s his job, I have to be honest. It was a nice talk, and he did a good job of pointing out some things about the nature of the attacks, about the logical conclusions of some circular thoughts (EG If these thoughts led me to any hard-line atheism, which as I’ve pointed out, is not my own viewpoint, since I’ve already decided not only my own views, but that I would never be a fighter against religion, that even if I watched these things for 72 hours straight without sleeping, it wouldn’t matter since I’ve already outlined my own philosophy, and even if I came to different beliefs, I still have to go on with my own life. It made sense, but as I pointed out to him, it’s hard to reason with thoughts and behaviors you know to be irrational and unhealthy. It’s impossible to stop the circle.). Got some blood work done yesterday to look at thyroid, medical possibilities, etc. (and I’m here to tell you, I do not like needles. Gah.), and it’s been a little over a week since the medication got bumped. He pointed out that it’s two weeks at minimum before I’m likely to see those effects. He is trying hard to get to the root of these problems: <b>why</b> does his bother me, why am I afraid of these thoughts, why can’t I direct these worries towards energizing myself towards things which clearly do make me happy, enrich my life, etc. Why not worry about not liking my job, doing more fulfilling things, as opposed to the problem of evil, etc. I told him he wasn’t wrong, but that I couldn’t find a way out of the irrational feedback loop. Does knowing you’re insane make you less insane? It’s such a gorgeous day. So beautiful. A gorgeous sun, a cool breeze. I wish I could appreciate it more. I’ve starts trying to take my medicine with food, but this is such havoc on my appetite that I’m eating less, and less healthy when I do, and I didn’t eat healthy to being with. Oh, and this my be gross TMI, but why is my libido up? Aren’t SSRIs supposed to push it down and decrease it? Being horny is getting kind of annoying.

Good. It sounds like he’s making you do a lot of thinking. That’ll help: knowing you’re having an issue is the first step towards fixing it.

Your meds should start kicking in soon, which is good news. As for your libido, whenever you’re altering your biology, you can have side effects. They manifest in different ways in different people. Could just be you, too!

The compulsions finally fired up again a few minutes ago. Man, I took my meds today, ate more than usual, saw my therapist, even went for a long walk to try to get the endorphins flowing and get some serotonin from the sunlight, but in the end, I couldn’t fight. God, it’s discouraging. I know, I resisted longer this time, that’s a victory, but it can’t help but feel hollow in light of this. I have to go back to work in a few days. This is not how I wanted to spend my vacation.

I want to thank everyone here for all of your continued kindness and support. This may be an odd way of getting things out or seeking some kind of help, but everyone here has been willing to listen, offer honest advice, and keep believing in me and reminding me how important it is to keep fighting no matter how hard it is, and no matter how pointless it sometimes feels. I should offer up a lot more than Just thanks, which I sadly cannot, but I do offer them all the same. So thanks.