Cookie MOnsters favorite jokes! — Page 13

^Did the Cook aways have a lazy eye like that?

Danfun128 said:

As the top seller for skyscrapper bunnies, I decided against selling you one under grounds of your product conducting of false advertising. 1,2,6,7,8,9,14,and 16 are questionable. Besides, cookies come from the dark side...

...is that the playboy bunny logo at the top left?

How do you define "clean"?

edit: You don't deserve the golden bunny. I will give you the

mixture of iron and clay http://heaven.internetarchaeology.org/heaven.html

No stretched Heather, no sale. 

Q: Why do men always leave the toilet seat up?

A: That's the joke.

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat, we’re strapping you in and doing this now.”

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”

Q: What do you call a Jewish Kiwi?

A: Hebrew

Bingowings said:

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat, we’re strapping you in and doing this now.”

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”

+1

So I says to my mate, ‘Did you steal this tea?’
He looks a bit funny at me and says, ‘Nope, why?’
‘Well’, says I, ‘It’s got a really good flavour, tastes really nice.’
‘OK, thanks’, says he, ‘but why did you ask me if I stole it?’
‘Well’, says I, ‘didn’t you know that all proper tea is theft?’

+1’s all round for the above!!

EDIT: Nevermind, stupid emojis ruined the joke.

Backticks will free you from emoji town :)

NeverarGreat said:

And if anyone gives me a skyscraper bunny…they might get a cookie.

1 and 18 actually makes a good one-two combination. Just change the beginning of 18 to “Sometimes when it happens”. Wait for the groan from number 1 and then hit 'em while they’re down ;)

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, “Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen.” So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, “Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?” The programmer says, “There were eggs!”

Took me a moment to get it, but I got it.

Good show, old bean. Good show.

I get the buying 13 gallons of milk, I don’t quite get how it relates to him being a programmer… But nevertheless even without understanding that detail I still quite enjoyed it. Quite indeed, as a matter of fact.

Who is the hottest couple in the Star Wars movies?

Is it

Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen?

It would have been Ric and Padme if Ani hadn’t gotten in the way.

Frink’s got the right answer!

Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru!