KillerQueen said:
@Mike O, I read your post, most recent post, I’m not sure if you’ve posted more on this thread but the post I did read, I felt like this needed to be said.
I can’t tell you how much I can relate to how you are feeling. I see a lot of myself in your words and although it probably doesn’t help all that much, know that you are NOT alone in feeling this way. I’m going through a somewhat similar situation and I can’t tell you how much I’m sick of feeling this way and that I feel like what I’m going through can’t even remotely compare to pretty much any other person’s problems.
For years and years, I avoided this kind of stuff for precisely this reason. As a firm believer in free speech, I always did (and do) stand by people’s rights to say these things and discuss them. It’s important and necessary. I was brought up Catholic, buy my parents and my Catholic school teachers were never pontificating that AIDS was God’s punishment for homosexuals or that the Earth was created in seven days or any such nonsense. My parents were very loving, they and my education were pro-science (Science classes at my schools were a bitch, and my mother always had me at therapists and doctors if need be, never trying to pray problems away.). I definitely came to disagree with some of their social views and politics, but I appreciated the moral grounding and exceptional education that it gave me. It’s a big thing in my family, and I’m OK with it and haven’t really been ridden about it by anyone. I’ve mostly had a very live-and-let-live policy towards it. I still broadly think of myself as Catholic, and appreciate the understanding it gave me of a lot of things, even though I don’t stand behind the church on many of their issues. It’s precisely why I avoided all of this kind of talk for years and years. Why I wandered into the off-topic section and into something I always swore I would avoid, I still don’t know. But it didn’t end well
I see that you are very much worried about your friend because they are going through a really tough time. Dealing with a suicide is one of the most difficult things one can go through because often we feel as if we could of done something. All you can do for your friend is to be there if they need someone to listen and assure them that everything will eventually be okay.
I don’t know, there are starving children, people struggling with addiction, it just almost feels selfish to have my rather insignificant problems.
As for you, I want to tell you a few things – You know, you say that you constantly check these threads that upset you and you can’t seem to help it. I struggle with something similar and I know… I know it’s REALLY fucking hard to not give in and you feel compelled to do this. Maybe try this, look at it as “hey it’s been X amount of hours since I’ve looked, I really don’t need to go there” or set it in your mind that you’ll look when you get up and/or before you go to bed. Something like that, to try and control yourself so you don’t get as affected.
I’d actually go Googling stuff that I knew would upset me. I just don’t get why the hell I would be doing this. There’s no rational reason for it. It’s stupid, and all it does is upset me, which I know it will. It’s almost masochistic.
I know, for me personally, I tell myself “You’re not going to do this until bed time” and although I’ve only made that once, I did make it. And the result was still the same. You’re exactly right about it being an obsessive compulsion and it can be managed. Once the obsession is acted upon, I bet for a while you feel some sort of relief from your anxiety but then the pattern starts to repeat itself. That’s how it is for me, anyway.
I have to admit, I do! At least mildly. It’s sort of perverse. Even though I know I’m looking at something I know will upset me, I feel like I’ve at least given in to the weird compulsion that’s drawn me to it. It’s so bizarre that it’s hard to describe.
You mention that you distract yourself with video games, hey me too. I’ve been trying to get back to that myself. Gaming is great to escape reality and mostly harmless. If you ever need someone to game with, I’ll give it a go.
I’m mostly into retro gaming right now, so not much online 😉.
Mainly, I know you’ve heard it a million times and so have I, but I really do think time will likely help with your situation. That, and a commitment to want take control of your emotions. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this and I hope that you find peace.
Hang in there.
It has cooled at little bit over the past few weeks, thought it still flares up from time-to-time, especially since a lot of the topic unavoidably pop up in various places.
Bingowings said:
Mike, I know there are lots of mental health mentoring charities out there. What they would do would train you to help someone else who has a situation a bit like yours. That might seem odd but if you have to contextualise the negative thoughts someone else might be having it will help you with your own thoughts. It’s also been scientifically demonstrated that helping other people has mental health benefits for the person providing the help.
My time for therapy is years and years overdue. But I’ve been through a couple, and didn’t have a ton of luck. I think I kind of secretly romanticize my depression in a perverse way (I know how messed up that sounds), or that I really don’t, or at least didn’t want help.
It’s interesting that your current reflections on your well-being were triggered by a friend talking about their tragic suicide experiences. If suicidal thoughts are something you have experienced yourself I can well understand how that would be a distraction from nuts and bolts of living and I would recommend you talking to a human being about that.
I’m definitely not suicidal, thankfully. But it has made me look at and try to evaluate some things in my life, if it isn’t too late.
If not maybe getting some sort of training to deal with other people in that situation would be of benefit.
We have training of that kind here in Scotland (most work places have a fire warden and a first aider and now they are trying to spread mental health first aid around which I think is a great idea). I know there are similar schemes in Australia and Canada because the scheme I attended shared materials with those projects. It might be worth while looking into similar programmes in your locality using the internet.
Yeah, my extreme sheltering of myself is definitely at the heart of the problem, but I think that like I said, I secretly take comfort in the routine even while complaining about it.
I always recommend rationalise feelings. Feelings are a reaction to something and if you can’t pin down a reason for why you feel a particular set of feelings and deal with that in a practical way it may well be that you have some sort of medical situation which could be fixable and a trip to the doctor might be all that’s needed. Good luck.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
EDIT: Slipped again. Badly. Fuck.
