A few reviews . . (film or TV) — Page 110

Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre - 2015 - 5/10

The above are your typical Arkansas female convicts wearing, I guess, their usual prison attire.
For whatever reason, they are on chain gang duty clearing stumps in the swamp.
During the water break, they all miss their mouths and water soaks their tops.
Oh, sorry, forgot about the narrative proper.
Frakkers (the new environmental villains) detonate a passage to a vast underground sea.
Prehistoric sharks quickly ascend and swish through creeks, streams, even scrub forest.
Because - gasp - they are land sharks!
Plenty of meals, no nudity, scant blood and gore, cursing such as “crap on a cracker.”
Better than Sharktopus, better than Sharknado sequels, but this ain’t Jaws.

The Tag Along - 2015 - 5/10
AKA - 紅衣小女孩

Individuals are being haunted, then carried away in Taiwan.
Forest demons, their woodlands being felled, hunt souls in the city.
Film launches with inventive opening credits.
The “disappeared” one realizes are those who are forgotten or neglected.
Elderly grandma, for example.
Another plus is the two part construction. First is in the city, second is deep in the woods.
The story is narrative driven, though a couple usages of found-footage are effective.
Biggest problem is the moralizing. Coupled with “guilt" the story grows preachy.

The Chronicles Of Riddick - 2004 - 6/10

Riddick arrives on a planet, recently invaded, about to be destroyed.
Yeah, Fate will play her jokes.
The invaders are an old foe and Riddick is soon embroiled in chicanery and strife.
Viewers expecting Pitch Black must reorient.
The first installment was a hunter / survival outing with a fairly simple plot.
This has more world building, the sets are fabulous, and even has Judi Dench!
Mindless entertainment, guilty pleasure, take your pick.

Andrei Rublev - 1966 - 9/10
AKA - Andrey Rublyov

15th century Russia, we trail “everyman” Rublev though conflicts, village life, spring fertility rites.
Rublev was the premier icon painter of his era.
Languid at times, though never remotely boring. There is simply too much to take in.
Many of the scenes and sequences are unforgettable.
Others, you can only marvel at the sheer amount of bodies. Not since the Silent era were there so many extras.
Of course this is Soviet filmmaking, in a film that would be shown to the world.
I first saw this in the 1980’s, the two hour edit, in a museum.
This has now been restored visually, and to the full 3+ hour length.
A must for world cinema types.

Roboshark - 2015 - 4/10

Yeah, murdering more of my brain cells.
One could argue this is one of the better Bulgarian films, though I must confess this is my first.
Alien spaceship sends pods down to earth. One splashes into Pacific and is swallowed by shark.
Before you know it, that shark is transformed into …
I thought this would be cheap knock-off of the preeminent Sharknado epics, but this boasted perhaps better characters and a stream of SciFi in-jokes.
When the military gave Roboshark’s current coordinates, I laughed.
The girls next to me asked, and I said, “Map coordinates, THX1138,” and explained.
Later Admiral (wonderfully done, by the way) declares, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
Billionaire computer mogul, Bill Glates, enters the fray. The power of social media is revealed.
Silly nonsense, set in “Seattle,” with stray Cyrillic signs here and there.

Paul Lynde Halloween Special - 1976 - 3/10

Missed this when it originally aired.
Reviews are abysmal, dreadful. Of course I had to view!
What an utter piece of shoo. So bad, so terrible, that it enters “fun to watch” territory.
Straight off, Paul Lynde is dismal, his jokes and puns misfire and fall flat.
And one gets the feeling, he realizes this.
Florence (Brady Bunch) Henderson’s disco rendition of “That Old Black Magic” is beyond belief.
What’s good? Billy Barty as the butler, Margaret Hamilton as the wicked witch.

Finally, there’s KISS, fresh outta Destroyer.
The band is uncontrolled, doing “Detroit Rock City”, “King Of The Nighttime World” and “Beth”.
Get drunk, get stoned, watch and murder your brain cells.

Orgy Of The Dead - 1965 - 3/10

Lordy, this is like one of the bestest movies ever!
An intro by Criswell raises the schlock bar immediately.
Speeding on a moonlight drive, a couple wrecks near a cemetery.
Where the Emperor and Princess of Darkness are holding court.

Entertaining them are seven or eight (I lost count) suicide victims.
Each dances, gyrates and disrobes to lounge music.
All are as stone-faced as bored or drugged out strippers.
This is indescribably awful. A grade school Christmas pageant has better acting.
Gorgeously restored by Nicholas Winding Refn.

Subtitles = https://subscene.com/subtitles/orgy-of-the-dead/english/2898624

Crimson Peak - 2015 - 5/10

Another discouraging step in Guillermo Del Toro’s decline.
Breathtaking set design, top tier actors, lavish, symbolic costumes.
All for naught in moralistic ghost story, that would have been quaint and corny 100 years ago.
Impoverished English baronet woos rich American heiress.
He whisks her away from gorgeous full color hues of New York to somber greys of remote England.
The mansion, while beautiful, is cracked, rotting and has a roof hole possibly twenty meters wide.
Snow - leaves - rain falls from outside to the lowest basement.
Any normal human would have put a tarp over the opening at the very least!
The plot - if you are so charitable - is a blend of House Of Usher, Angels & Insects, Notorious.
CGI ghosties are laughably un-scarey. As so often with DelToro, bug infestation overload.
Sad to see so much money and talent squandered on an inferior live action cartoon.

The Puppet Masters - 1994 - 5/10

Another version of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, this time dosed with an old Outer Limits episode, “The Invisibles”.
After a UFO sighting in Iowa, the CIA sends investigators. Yes, start suspending disbelief now.
Anyhoo, the CIA dispatches more operatives who discover the local folk are emotionless zombies.
Agents then discover folks got big ole, mind-controlling slugs on their backs.
(Nope, no swimsuits or tight tops in this one.)
Alien invasion expands exponentially, and violent, suicidal humanity is tamed once and for all.
Alas, I made that last bit up.

Dracula: Prince Of Darkness - 1966 - 6/10

“Do not go to Carlsbad,” warns the priest. “If you do, by all means avoid the castle.”
And do they listen? Do foolish turistas ever listen?
Of course they end up in the sumptuous castle!
A waiting servant makes sure there is hearty food, and plenty of wine.
Hammer film boasts the handsome production values, as well as females in sheer gowns.
Christopher Lee says nothing, though he is imposing throughout.
Not a real shocker, but an admirable outing.

Slither - 2006 - 6/10

Campy alien invasion yarn that mines Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, Night Of The Living Dead, Alien, and too many other films to reference.
Meteor lands in woods outside small Southern town (filmed in Canada), except said meteor is not empty.
In a burg stuffed with rednecks and mush mouths, the “invader” picks the first curious human.
From then on, the campaign of conquest and expand launches.
Earth is doomed!
Dialogue runs savage funny, insensitive, crude. Political correctness monitors - run!
Gore - slime - children in danger (ain’t no marines in this, either) - not enough nudity - orifice seeking slug-like invaders - and unforgettable scenes of a 'bout to bust mommy and tentacle sex.
Would rank this a point higher, except the jokes and invention flagged near the finish.

Don’t Move - 2013 - 6/10

When will people learn? And these are adults. Don’t mess with the Ouija board.
By the opening shot, they have already conjured darkness.
The survivors’ slim hope seems to be … don’t move, be as quiet as possible.
Brutal, gory Horror short dispenses with characterizations and backstories.
Potent appetizer for your Fright Night.

Swamp - 2021 - 7/10
AKA - Topi // Топи

A cabin of Muscovites rides the train into the Arkhangelsk district.
Destination, Topi (the Marshes), where stands a monastery with allegedly healing properties.
One of the passengers has cancer, one is running from criminals, another is the ultimate hunter and spreader of human misery … a reporter.
Outside the forlorn rural station, only one notices a billboard laden with missing person flyers.

Two minutes in, their chauffeured car suffers a horrific accident.
While everyone walks away, I wonder if they have just entered Purgatory.
The monastery is deserted, the nearby village is dying, overhead skies are crimson.
Villagers they encounter are taciturn and secretive.
Horror is the backbone of this short series, but there are religious elements and parapsychology.
Not a traditional supernatural foray, there is too much mysticism in this, and it may be “too Russian” for many.

Southbound - 2015 - 6/10

Horror anthology dosed with the surreal.
Opening sequence is strongest and sets the tone.
Two men, covered in blood, roar down desert highway.
They are caught in a time loop, similar to Triangle (2009), which permits “things” on horizon to catch them.
That sequence hands off to the next, three female musicians (young and leggy) who get a flat tire.
As if by chance, a car conveniently arrives and offers a lift.
Obviously, those females don’t know a basic horror rule: DO NOT CLIMB INTO STRANGERS’ CARS.
Story hand-off transitions are OK, but resolutions for each tale are weak or absent.
This is a “keyhole” view of transient types and misdeeds in southwestern badlands.
Expect no explanations and you might enjoy better.

Moloch - 2022 - 7/10

Horror outing finds rural inhabitants encountering archeologists.
Out in the bog, diggers find a body, then a string of bodies.
All females, throats slit, going back centuries.
Of course the educated outsiders are thrilled. For locals, concern mounts daily.
As do weird sightings, home break-ins, and superstitious legends, disguised yet celebrated.
Folk horror, reminiscent of recent films with similar themes.
Skeptics may say derivative.
If curious, I’d suggest watching cold, as one or two spoilers reveal every single late twist.

Shadow Of The Vampire - 2000 - 7/10

My God, Willem Dafoe is an unforgettable presence in this.
Director Murnau’s next project is to be a vampire film.
The Stoker estate refuses to let him use the name Dracula, so he titles his film “Nosferatu”.
The production seems ill fated, beset with problems, disappearances, deaths.
If you look for it, this is actually quite funny. Black, laugh out loud moments.
Dafoe’s Max Shreck is a frightening, odious, sinister creature.
Barely human, feral.
Malkovich also memorable as the damn-the-difficulties Murnau.
For film buffs, this is fantastic.

Blood Tide At Suicide Reef - 2047 - 6/10

The rumor starts. Little more than a suspicion.
Then the underground goes wild, news spreading like an infection.
A new reef appears in the south Pacific. Huge swells crashing against a rising atoll.
Despite shark sightings, adventurous souls race to be among the first.
The initial wave of surfers disappear. Surfers, boards, jet skis, support crews, swallowed by churning seas.

Nevertheless, waves prove irresistible. Tight curls in the north, towering breakers in the south.
Polynesian outriggers arrive. A few come to take money from decadent Westerners. Others carry drums.
Surfers name it, Suicide Reef. One notes the coordinates, 47 9’ S, 123 43’ W, and whispers, R’lyeh.
And, as more landmass continues to breach, strange, incongruous structures grow visible.
Docu-horror mixes extreme sport surfing with unbelievable footage of shark attacks.
Not only riding the waves, but aerial assaults on bronzed humans.
That said, the undersea footage leaves a lot to be desired, owing to cloudy waters.
What we see are congregations of sharks, thousands of octopi, squids, and, beneath the murk, tentacles of vast size.

Saloum - 2021 - 7/10

Three mercenaries known as the Hyenas crouch low, then approach the isolated village.
After participating in a coup in Guinea, they flee into Senegal with a hostage and a case of gold bullion.
Eventually entering Saloum, childhood home for the leader of the trio.
His memories of the village, however, are akin to fleeting nightmares.
And just why would anyone return to a place of dread?
Simmering tensions start as soon as the men enter Saloum, then build inexorably.
Brooding horror film has a remarkable sense of place and should tempt buffs wanting new perspectives.

Chupacabra Zombies Vs Wicked Nuns Vs Cthulhu - 2047 - 7/10

Following rampant global warming, the chupacabra population explodes!
Worse, when killed, they revive, hungrier than ever.
Livestock is annihilated, pets disappear, small humans become unhappy meals.
A desperate group of moles evacadores (wall tunnelers) seek refuge in a sinister, fortified nunnery north of Ensenada.
Las Hermanas de Palo Mayombe.
As the gruesome siege whittles their numbers, the sisterhood misconstrue a Santerian chant and accidentally invoke the dread Lord of R’lyeh.
Awesome Cthulhu (who hates the over-used “awesome” word, by the way).
Harlequin Film’s first foray into Horror boasts jaw-dropping special effects.
Cthulhu, churning from the Pacific Ocean, capsizing cruise liners, unforgettable!
Cthulhu’s hundreds of tentacles squeezing pudgy, pleading passengers until their heads pop off, nightmare!
On the other hand, the de rigueur romance storyline is preposterous!
Horny young nun (who wears a habit but no bra) and the way-too-cute pizza delivery guy? Really?
How does the Pepperoni Kid peddle his bicycle through ravenous chupacabras? With a stack of pizzas?
Producers must assume if viewers buy that, they will buy anything.

Amy - 2015 - 7/10

Two hour documentary of jazz singer, Amy Winehouse.
Creators unearthed rare materials, including 14 year old Winehouse singing for a friend’s birthday.
Her phenomenal vocal gifts are train-wrecked by substance abuse and incomprehensible reliance on toxic males
Can you say boyfriend (later husband)? Can you say estranged father? Latter reappeared after her success.
Doc brilliantly captures the thrill of her dizzying ascent, yet it is also painful, excruciating at times, to watch her make colossal errors of judgment that led to her death.
An argument was postulated that had Miss Winehouse stuck with more “Frank" oriented material, stayed in the Jazz orbit, she might still be alive and releasing. Mind you, I listen to a lot of current jazz chanteuses. They sing for ecstatic, cult audiences. And theory or no theory, “Back In Black" was a monster, and whether she was prepared or not, Winehouse found herself riding the tiger of fame.
Extraordinarily well done, though one viewing will probably be more than enough for most.

Why do you have two movies from 2047 listed? I can’t find any info on them online, either. Have you gotten so obscure with your tastes that you’ve started to review movies from the future? 😉

StarkillerAG said:

Why do you have two movies from 2047 listed? I can’t find any info on them online, either. Have you gotten so obscure with your tastes that you’ve started to review movies from the future? 😉

There are actually eight films currently listed from 2047.
All originate from R’lyeh via time slip, and are only available on or around All-Hallows.
At least according to my source, Charles Dexter Ward, affiliated with Miskatonic U.
Other OT members may weigh in on this, though I have found it prudent not to overly discuss matters pertaining to R’lyeh.
Events can go wrong in a breath.
With all due respect to EOD devotees.

Scandal - 1989 - 6/10

A gent, smitten with a stripper, excuse me showgirl, invites her to shack up.
Note, he’s an osteopath, not a musician in a rock band.
Nonetheless, she uses him as a stepping stone to hook up with a cabinet minister.
In addition, she’s having a relationship with a Soviet “diplomat”.
Sexual shenanigans, intrigue, espionage, coverups,
Far fetched exploitation, except this, a retelling of the Profumo Affair, was all too true.
For all the sleaze potential, this is quite reserved.

Casshern - 2004 - 6/10
AKA - Kyashān // キャシャーン

After fifty years of global conflict, humanity hangs on, though fighting continues to dwindle numbers.
Plebes suffer, starve, philosophize, while leaders exhort the rabble to persevere.
Enter Tetsuya, mortally wounded, surgically altered into bio-tech warrior, Casshern.
The plot is messy and disjointed (I’m being kind) in this dystopian battle game.
CGI effects are dated, yet weirdly compelling.
Actually, the visuals will keep you watching this overlong, preachy “message” film.
I’m convinced a talented faneditor could alter the dialogue, restructure the plot and make something of this.

Lady In The Van - 2015 - 7/10

Beware - Advertised as a comedy. Maybe in the “better him than me” genre.
Maggie Smith plays homeless lady who moves onto a street, eventually one resident’s driveway and stays 15 years!
She never does find work, frightens the children, does not bathe, is argumentative, imperious, manipulative.
Gradually, very gradually, viewers peek into slices of her past, and realize hers has been a tragically wasted life.
While I did not enjoy this film, the plot construction is excellent, score works well, acting is peerless.
Challenging movie to love, though easy to appreciate.
Based on a short book, then on a much lauded play (2000, also with Maggie Smith).

The real question is how neighbors tolerated Mary / Margaret in their midst.
Most streets would have summoned authorities and institutionalized her within days.
Recommended, though her character is exasperating.
Keep a sharp eye out for numerous cameos!