The Rise of Skywalker: Ascendant (Released) — Page 14

Ok, I think THIS is my suggestion for a crawl?

The Rise of Skywalker

‘The Resistance rises! Luke Skywalker’s sacrifice at the battle of Crait has reignited the spark of hope across the galaxy and hundreds more freedom fighters have joined in the fight against the tyranical FIRST ORDER and their new Supreme Leader, KYLO REN.

REY, the last of the Jedi lineage, continues her training under the guidance of GENERAL LEIA ORGANA, and attempts to communicate with the great Jedi from the past, hoping that their wisdom will help her during the confrontation to come.

Meanwhile, KYLO REN leads an assault on MUSTAFAR, in search of an artefact that will guide him to the source of a mysterious presence that offers a dark alliance, one that will help him crush his enemies once and for all…’

smpearce1981 said:

Ok, I think THIS is my suggestion for a crawl?

The Rise of Skywalker

‘The Resistance rises! Luke Skywalker’s sacrifice at the battle of Crait has reignited the spark of hope across the galaxy and hundreds more freedom fighters have joined in the fight against the tyranical FIRST ORDER and their new Supreme Leader, KYLO REN.

REY, the last of the Jedi lineage, continues her training under the guidance of GENERAL LEIA ORGANA, and attempts to communicate with the great Jedi from the past, hoping that their wisdom will help her during the confrontation to come.

Meanwhile, KYLO REN leads an assault on MUSTAFAR, in search of an artefact that will guide him to the source of a mysterious presence that offers a dark alliance, one that will help him crush his enemies once and for all…’

I like this a lot.

^ thanks, man 😃

Kylo Ren’s motivations toward Rey change pretty quickly in this one (like a lot of the movie, I guess).
Maybe that could be made more acceptable by tweaking a scene, if possible, where Palpy articulates that he knows Ren has feelings for ''the scavenger girl" and somehow validates them…maybe a warning that ''your feelings for her will be your undoing." Something like that would work on two levels, one, Ren’s ‘‘anything you can do I can do better’’ attitude and, two, making the Reylo flip a bit easier to digest timewise. Oh and then he does end up being undone due to her feelings for her so it would validate to a bit Palpy’s continuing forciness.

Here’s my take on the current crawl we have in the plan:

Luke Skywalker has ignited a resurgence of hope across
the galaxy. Inspired by his legend, the brave have
risen in defiance of the diabolical FIRST ORDER.

REY, sole heir to the Jedi, advances her training with
the guidance of General Leia Organa, seeking to
commune with Jedi of the past for wisdom.

Meanwhile, Supreme Leader KYLO REN, determined to stifle
the uprising, scours the Mustafar system to uncover the
mysterious source of his former master’s power. . . .

Maybe I’ve said this before, but this current paragraph 2 in the OP (which everyone is working off of)

Rey, sole heir to the Jedi, continues her training under General Leia Organa, hoping to commune with Jedi of the past.

doesn’t really accomplish much, because we don’t learn anything from this that we don’t find out within 30 seconds of seeing Rey. Anyone looking to rewrite the crawl should take a crack at that, I think. Personally I would recommend either trying to give some insight as to why she’s doing this, or use the space to talk about something else entirely.

FreezingTNT2 said:

@Hal 9000 Do you plan on removing the “I am all the Sith/Jedi!” exchange between Darth Sidious and Rey? The exchange sounds really awkward and clunky.

It’s the dumbest thing ever and I love it. Also perfect for a finale. Bottom line: leave it in.

EddieDean said:

The dead speak! The villainous COUNT DOOKU has returned, to herald the return of his dark master, EMPEROR PALPATINE. Dooku is killed by Admiral Pryde, but not before revealing a secret Sith technique to create a new galactic navy where each ship gets its own Death Star laser!

Luke Skywalker’s message of hope has reached the far corners of the galaxy, and the civilians of countless worlds are almost committed - they need just one more famous hero to come and get them before they rise up to join the resistance against the evil FIRST ORDER and also the new and bigger FINAL ORDER.

Meanwhile, Rey has read in the Jedi texts that her force bond with Kylo Ren is a FORCE DYAD, which is one of the reasons she’s very powerful. But could there be another, darker source of her power? Watch the movie to find out! Also Finn will be there.

LOL

DominicCobb said:

Maybe I’ve said this before, but this current paragraph 2 in the OP (which everyone is working off of)

Rey, sole heir to the Jedi, continues her training under General Leia Organa, hoping to commune with Jedi of the past.

doesn’t really accomplish much, because we don’t learn anything from this that we don’t find out within 30 seconds of seeing Rey. Anyone looking to rewrite the crawl should take a crack at that, I think. Personally I would recommend either trying to give some insight as to why she’s doing this, or use the space to talk about something else entirely.

Ok challenge accepted:-

Here’s where the logic was in mine - with notes on my process (ie I didn’t just make changes for changes sake)

‘The Resistance rises!

(removing direct references to Palpatine and now trying to convey that the Resistence is in a much stronger position than when we last saw them at the end of TLJ)

Luke Skywalker’s sacrifice at the battle of Crait has reignited the spark of hope across the galaxy and hundreds more freedom fighters have joined in the fight against the tyranical FIRST ORDER

(really emphasise that Luke dying wasn’t in vain and his actions may have turned the tide)

and their new Supreme Leader, KYLO REN.

REY, the last of the Jedi lineage:-

(The other suggestion ‘Heir to the Jedi’ sounds wrong?

Heir to the Jedi what? In this context there needs to be something else ie Heir to the Jedi throne

‘The Jedi’ have always been referenced as a singular individual person or in plural as a group of people?

Like a religion? a tribe? a movement?

If you apply parallel context:-

ie

Heir to the christians’,

Heir to the ‘jews’,

Heir to the ‘SW Fans’

…It doesn’t work. Heir TO THE is wrong here, so I used of the instead)

(Was going to settle on ‘The last of the Jedi’ however I added ‘lineage’ to explain that Rey is not a full Jedi yet but still highlight that the core of her training is directly linked to legitimate Jedi practice an/or practitioners established across the series so far:- Yoda> Qui-gon> Obi-Wan> Luke> Rey…(equals Lineage?)

continues her training under the guidance of GENERAL LEIA ORGANA, and attempts to communicate with the great Jedi from the past, hoping that their wisdom will help her during the confrontation to come:-

(Ok, maybe there is still work to do here…but I think fundamentally it serves it’s purpose, because 1) she can’t communicate with dead Jedi yet 2) Explains why it be important that she tries too…she seeks their wisdom to learn more/apply it/become more powerful…Leia’s limited Jedi/Force knowledge isn’t enough to get Rey where she needs to be to be considering that it’s only a matter of time before they have to fight the first order again)

(so what am I trying to say in plain words:-

Rey is doing the best she can to develop her powers considering all that she’s got is a few old books and Leia’s limited knowledge, but if she could just make contact with the experts in their field she might finally get some specific answers to some specific questions and level up quicker…which would be really helpful cos the first order are coming and last time she met Kylo Ren they were evenly matched…she needs an advantage and is not above trying to take shortcuts)

Meanwhile, KYLO REN leads an assault on MUSTAFAR:-

(at least explain that the opening scene is a familiar location)

in search of an artefact:-

(explain the objective and add context when the Mcguffin is revealed 30 seconds later)

that will guide him to the source of a mysterious presence that offers a dark alliance, one that will help him crush his enemies once and for all…’

(Trying not to reveal the identity of Palpatine at this stage but explain why Kylo is motivated to investigate

He might not trust the source or the offer, but it’s worth exploring. If it’s not all as promised he’ll just kill the person who’s messing with him, but it’s definitely worth taking a look if it helps him solidify his rule)

I appreciate that I’m bias towards my own creative endeavour, however I do think the mine works well as a launching point for the movie. It gets us up to speed on the general state of play and it explains the motivations of the key players and the initial mechanisms involved within the allotted 3 paragraph structure.

The language is deliberately meant to be quite ‘pulpy’ and not trying to be too complex or clever.

It might still be too long though?

I also hope that I’ve been able to explain my thought process’s throughout, so that where I’ve made changes to the orognal proposal it doesn’t look like I’ve just erased it to do my own thing.

Hal 9000 said:

‘Heir to the Jedi…’ is correct, if semi-archaic.
I don’t think it would be wrong to say something like “heir to the throne,” and “heir of the throne” would sound wrong. ‘Jedi’ acts as a noun in this case.

But hey, we’ll see what the crawl ends up like. It’s one of the best parts of doing these edits.

Hi HAL, I promise I’m not wanting to be disrespectful or be perceived to be argumentative:-

HOW is it correct? (other than it being the title of an old EU novel?)

Your examples are interesting:

Heir TO THE * throne = an object, a thing - it works.

Heir OF THE *throne does not. I totally agree

I think where the distinction has to be made is in what actually IS a Jedi?

A Jedi is not an object or a thing that warrants ownership?

A Jedi has been established to be a person/individual who practices an ideology - follows the Jedi code etc

Alternatively, The Jedi can be used when defining someone who practices that ideology (‘The Jedi’, as per: ‘The boy’, The Girl etc) or can be used in the plural for to describe a group of individuals in that group (‘The Jedi’ are extinct as per: ‘The Dinosaurs are extinct’)

To be an heir or ‘inheritor’ implies that there is ‘a right of transfer’ whether that’s of social standing or of assets etc from one individual to another.

Now, you could be an Heir to the Jedi…BUT this is where it becomes about context.

Jedi are supposedly/commonly considered to be non-possessive. So to inherit or possess THE Jedi (the individual OR the collective) the implied ownership is decidedly non Jedi-like.

To be an Heir to the Empire works, the context is self defining, you can inherit and possess it because an Empire is generally ruled or overseen by one (or a few)…it inherently implies the RULERSHIP of others.

And I think that’s my point, Heir TO THE Jedi, may be technically fine to use (context dependent) but what it implies is wrong in this instance?

For example:

If the Story was that of Rey leading the Jedi and altering their values for her own nefarious purposes and eventually taking control, I think it would totally work, but that’s not what’s happening here, and I’m pretty sure that’s not what you are trying to achieve in the edit?

Now, I’m totally happy to be wrong here but I’d just like to know how ‘Heir to the Jedi’ is grammatically/contextually correct in it’s usage here?

Please know that I fully appreciate how his will be YOUR edit, hence you are totally entitled to put ANYTHING in the crawl that you want, it will be yours and the only person you have to justify your decisions to is yourself and regardless of any of the changes you make to the movie, I’ll be queuing up to watch it just like everyone else, so I assure you I’m not trying to speak out of turn or muscle into your work, so once again please do not take this as anything other than me just trying to understand the angle?

smpearce1981 said:

DominicCobb said:

Maybe I’ve said this before, but this current paragraph 2 in the OP (which everyone is working off of)

Rey, sole heir to the Jedi, continues her training under General Leia Organa, hoping to commune with Jedi of the past.

doesn’t really accomplish much, because we don’t learn anything from this that we don’t find out within 30 seconds of seeing Rey. Anyone looking to rewrite the crawl should take a crack at that, I think. Personally I would recommend either trying to give some insight as to why she’s doing this, or use the space to talk about something else entirely.

Ok challenge accepted:-

Here’s where the logic was in mine - with notes on my process (ie I didn’t just make changes for changes sake)

‘The Resistance rises!

(removing direct references to Palpatine and now trying to convey that the Resistence is in a much stronger position than when we last saw them at the end of TLJ)

Since you’re going nitty gritty I’ll try to give nitty gritty notes. I like the angle, but I feel like it might be weird to have the word “rise” in the opening sentence if it is in the film’s title?

Luke Skywalker’s sacrifice at the battle of Crait has reignited the spark of hope across the galaxy and hundreds more freedom fighters have joined in the fight against the tyranical FIRST ORDER

(really emphasise that Luke dying wasn’t in vain and his actions may have turned the tide)

I would lose “at the battle of Crait.” Cut right to the point. The less words you can use to achieve your goals the better.

REY, the last of the Jedi lineage:-

(Was going to settle on ‘The last of the Jedi’ however I added ‘lineage’ to explain that Rey is not a full Jedi yet but still highlight that the core of her training is directly linked to legitimate Jedi practice an/or practitioners established across the series so far:- Yoda> Qui-gon> Obi-Wan> Luke> Rey…(equals Lineage?)

Your wording makes sense to me, though perhaps another option is what’s in the film already? “The last hope of the Jedi.” Seems to get the idea across, though using the word “hope” again might feel redundant.

continues her training under the guidance of GENERAL LEIA ORGANA, and attempts to communicate with the great Jedi from the past, hoping that their wisdom will help her during the confrontation to come:-

(Ok, maybe there is still work to do here…but I think fundamentally it serves it’s purpose, because 1) she can’t communicate with dead Jedi yet 2) Explains why it be important that she tries too…she seeks their wisdom to learn more/apply it/become more powerful…Leia’s limited Jedi/Force knowledge isn’t enough to get Rey where she needs to be to be considering that it’s only a matter of time before they have to fight the first order again)

(so what am I trying to say in plain words:-

Rey is doing the best she can to develop her powers considering all that she’s got is a few old books and Leia’s limited knowledge, but if she could just make contact with the experts in their field she might finally get some specific answers to some specific questions and level up quicker…which would be really helpful cos the first order are coming and last time she met Kylo Ren they were evenly matched…she needs an advantage and is not above trying to take shortcuts)

It’s a little wordy. I will say you’ve given a reason why - the confrontation to come - which is good. But maybe there’s a way to rethink the whole thing? Lose describing her as “heir to the Jedi/last of the Jedi lineage/whatever,” because giving her that sort of ‘chosen one’ descriptor belies the scrappiness you’re looking for (the old books, rusty Leia, etc.).

Meanwhile, KYLO REN leads an assault on MUSTAFAR:-

(at least explain that the opening scene is a familiar location)

Understandable, but also unimportant and easily deleted if looking to cut down

in search of an artefact:-

(explain the objective and add context when the Mcguffin is revealed 30 seconds later)

that will guide him to the source of a mysterious presence that offers a dark alliance, one that will help him crush his enemies once and for all…’

(Trying not to reveal the identity of Palpatine at this stage but explain why Kylo is motivated to investigate

He might not trust the source or the offer, but it’s worth exploring. If it’s not all as promised he’ll just kill the person who’s messing with him, but it’s definitely worth taking a look if it helps him solidify his rule)

This is another spot you could cut down. He’s going to Mustafar for an artifact for the source of a presence that offers an alliance. That’s a lot of steps for one sentence, you can cut a few out and that’ll make it more easily understood.

Wow!

Stunning notes, Dom and genuinely insightful/constructive criticism!

I’ll take it all on board and have another tinker with it again tomorrow?

Thanks, bud 😃

Ps

I feel like it might be weird to have the word “rise” in the opening sentence if it is in the film’s title?

I totally never put 2 and 2 together here.

Nice spot!

https://imgur.com/a/fbZFcbC

More Concept art from, Colin trevor’s duel of fate.

darkshadowspike said:

https://imgur.com/a/fbZFcbC

More Concept art from, Colin trevor’s duel of fate.

Thanks for the the link.
It all looks so great, just deepens the disappointment for me 😦
It’d be cool if an animated alternative episode IX could be made using the available concept art as key frames.

Cheers, Paul