DominicCobb said:
Maybe I’ve said this before, but this current paragraph 2 in the OP (which everyone is working off of)
Rey, sole heir to the Jedi, continues her training under General Leia Organa, hoping to commune with Jedi of the past.
doesn’t really accomplish much, because we don’t learn anything from this that we don’t find out within 30 seconds of seeing Rey. Anyone looking to rewrite the crawl should take a crack at that, I think. Personally I would recommend either trying to give some insight as to why she’s doing this, or use the space to talk about something else entirely.
Ok challenge accepted:-
Here’s where the logic was in mine - with notes on my process (ie I didn’t just make changes for changes sake)
‘The Resistance rises!
(removing direct references to Palpatine and now trying to convey that the Resistence is in a much stronger position than when we last saw them at the end of TLJ)
Luke Skywalker’s sacrifice at the battle of Crait has reignited the spark of hope across the galaxy and hundreds more freedom fighters have joined in the fight against the tyranical FIRST ORDER
(really emphasise that Luke dying wasn’t in vain and his actions may have turned the tide)
and their new Supreme Leader, KYLO REN.
REY, the last of the Jedi lineage:-
(The other suggestion ‘Heir to the Jedi’ sounds wrong?
Heir to the Jedi what? In this context there needs to be something else ie Heir to the Jedi throne
‘The Jedi’ have always been referenced as a singular individual person or in plural as a group of people?
Like a religion? a tribe? a movement?
If you apply parallel context:-
ie
Heir to the christians’,
Heir to the ‘jews’,
Heir to the ‘SW Fans’
…It doesn’t work. Heir TO THE is wrong here, so I used of the instead)
(Was going to settle on ‘The last of the Jedi’ however I added ‘lineage’ to explain that Rey is not a full Jedi yet but still highlight that the core of her training is directly linked to legitimate Jedi practice an/or practitioners established across the series so far:- Yoda> Qui-gon> Obi-Wan> Luke> Rey…(equals Lineage?)
continues her training under the guidance of GENERAL LEIA ORGANA, and attempts to communicate with the great Jedi from the past, hoping that their wisdom will help her during the confrontation to come:-
(Ok, maybe there is still work to do here…but I think fundamentally it serves it’s purpose, because 1) she can’t communicate with dead Jedi yet 2) Explains why it be important that she tries too…she seeks their wisdom to learn more/apply it/become more powerful…Leia’s limited Jedi/Force knowledge isn’t enough to get Rey where she needs to be to be considering that it’s only a matter of time before they have to fight the first order again)
(so what am I trying to say in plain words:-
Rey is doing the best she can to develop her powers considering all that she’s got is a few old books and Leia’s limited knowledge, but if she could just make contact with the experts in their field she might finally get some specific answers to some specific questions and level up quicker…which would be really helpful cos the first order are coming and last time she met Kylo Ren they were evenly matched…she needs an advantage and is not above trying to take shortcuts)
Meanwhile, KYLO REN leads an assault on MUSTAFAR:-
(at least explain that the opening scene is a familiar location)
in search of an artefact:-
(explain the objective and add context when the Mcguffin is revealed 30 seconds later)
that will guide him to the source of a mysterious presence that offers a dark alliance, one that will help him crush his enemies once and for all…’
(Trying not to reveal the identity of Palpatine at this stage but explain why Kylo is motivated to investigate
He might not trust the source or the offer, but it’s worth exploring. If it’s not all as promised he’ll just kill the person who’s messing with him, but it’s definitely worth taking a look if it helps him solidify his rule)
I appreciate that I’m bias towards my own creative endeavour, however I do think the mine works well as a launching point for the movie. It gets us up to speed on the general state of play and it explains the motivations of the key players and the initial mechanisms involved within the allotted 3 paragraph structure.
The language is deliberately meant to be quite ‘pulpy’ and not trying to be too complex or clever.
It might still be too long though?
I also hope that I’ve been able to explain my thought process’s throughout, so that where I’ve made changes to the orognal proposal it doesn’t look like I’ve just erased it to do my own thing.