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Don’t want to be that guy, but you’ve removed the humor entirely, so now it’s kind of a weird moment the doesn’t totally track - Poe says he has an urgent message, Hux rambles, then Poe just goes in for the attack. Surely there’s a way to at least keep some of Poe’s “who talks first” personality here while also making it clear that he’s the one trying to stall, and not just conveniently getting Hux to do that for him?
Of course, I don’t have a dog in this hunt, you’re free to do what you please. Just trying to be constructive.