OK like I said the girlfriend has never seen any Star Wars movie before. Her reaction was WTF is going on? Truth be told, there is just too much **** going on in the movie and almost none of it is important. So yeah I think her assessment was pretty spot on.
The film starts with about ten different scene changes, and for some reason all of them need superimposed titles. That’s the first indication one gets that the script sucks. I don’t remember any superimposed titles in the OT, do you? When did “Dagobah” or “Yavin” or “Alderaan” or “Tatooine” or “Bespin” ever flash on screen? Well the answer is never, because the stories were told in a way that the viewer was never confused and never needed to read the movie like it’s some kind of travel brochure. All of these scenes are just expository **** thrown against the wall because the script sucks bad.
Once that awful beginning was out of the way, I guess I did find myself trying to discern more between the good aspects of the film and the bad. Throwbacks like Mon Mothma and Bail Organa were perfectly appropriate, well cast, and made the film better. Others like CGI Tarkin and the droids reminded me of the RLM joke that Lucas nearly threw in baby Han at the end of the PT just for the **** of it. Do we really need another droid ripping off Empire dialogue, or chess board holograms lifted out of ANH?
Anyway, as the story progresses, we get to know our protagonist, Jyn Erso. Honestly I don’t mind this character. She’s derivative and not terribly interesting, but she’s pretty much the only likeable person in the movie, so I can get behind her. The real problem is that I don’t give a damn about any of her sidekicks. The old black mentor type guy, who cares about that dude? He’s like the general grievous of Rogue One. The Alliance good/bad guy she dies with, what was his story? He’s just some scruffy nerfherder that kills people on orders and then doesn’t kill someone else on orders because the plot got in the way? At least the Imperials were cast better in Rogue One than TFA (General Hux, I’m looking at you) but these guys are still cartoon characters and nothing like the nuanced stage acting we used to get from people like Kenneth Colley.
Oh well, back to the plot. There was actually one invaluable novelty contained within Rogue One, and it was the idea that someone intentionally designed a flaw into the Death Star in order to aid the alliance. What a concept! That single idea could have made this entire movie, and by made the entire movie, I mean it could have been the unifying force that tied together every other scene and character and motivation the same way Vader’s confession did in Empire Strikes Back. Literally the entire rest of the script should have been designed in order to build to THAT revelation, and undoubtedly, THAT revelation, and Jyn meeting her father, should all have come at the climax of the story.
But that doesn’t happen. None of that was fleshed out.
In fact, in the middle of my first viewing, having not read any spoilers, I immediately noted to myself that the movie was already over at that point. Sure, I could tell the filmmakers were setting up some kind of contrived, nonsensical space battle, just for ****s and giggles, but the movie was already over. If I hadn’t been with my girlfriend, I would have walked out. They buried the ****ing climax in the middle of the second act!!!
The whole last act was just derivative spectacle to fill screen time. Was that Jyn and her paramour climbing some records thing, or Luke and Leia swinging from a grappling hook? I mean, I don’t even want to get into denigrating the Chinese guy and his friend, that’s too easy. At least Vader’s last scene was really great, but everything else with him and CGI Tarkin looked like it was made by amateurs filming their own Youtube videos.
Well, I’m probably being too harsh here. I will say that Rogue One does not offend me. It’s the first Star Wars movie since 1983 that I don’t despise with a burning and seething passion. I just find it to be a poorly made and boring movie.
Boring…yes, I’d say that’s the final verdict.
