Don’t Move - 2013 - 6/10
When will people learn? And these are adults. Don’t mess with the Ouija board.
By the opening shot, they have already conjured darkness.
The survivors’ slim hope seems to be … don’t move, be as quiet as possible.
Brutal, gory Horror short dispenses with characterizations and backstories.
Potent appetizer for your Fright Night.
Slither - 2006 - 6/10
Campy alien invasion yarn that mines Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, Night Of The Living Dead, Alien, and too many other films to reference.
Meteor lands in woods outside small Southern town (filmed in Canada), except said meteor is not empty.
In a burg stuffed with rednecks and mush mouths, the “invader” picks the first curious human.
From then on, the campaign of conquest and expand launches.
Earth is doomed!
Dialogue runs savage funny, insensitive, crude. Political correctness monitors - run!
Gore - slime - children in danger (ain’t no marines in this, either) - not enough nudity - orifice seeking slug-like invaders - and unforgettable scenes of a 'bout to bust mommy and tentacle sex.
Would rank this a point higher, except the jokes and invention flagged near the finish.
Dracula: Prince Of Darkness - 1966 - 6/10
“Do not go to Carlsbad,” warns the priest. “If you do, by all means avoid the castle.”
And do they listen? Do foolish turistas ever listen?
Of course they end up in the sumptuous castle!
A waiting servant makes sure there is hearty food, and plenty of wine.
Hammer film boasts the handsome production values, as well as females in sheer gowns.
Christopher Lee says nothing, though he is imposing throughout.
Not a real shocker, but an admirable outing.
The Puppet Masters - 1994 - 5/10
Another version of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, this time dosed with an old Outer Limits episode, “The Invisibles”.
After a UFO sighting in Iowa, the CIA sends investigators. Yes, start suspending disbelief now.
Anyhoo, the CIA dispatches more operatives who discover the local folk are emotionless zombies.
Agents then discover folks got big ole, mind-controlling slugs on their backs.
(Nope, no swimsuits or tight tops in this one.)
Alien invasion expands exponentially, and violent, suicidal humanity is tamed once and for all.
Alas, I made that last bit up.
Crimson Peak - 2015 - 5/10
Another discouraging step in Guillermo Del Toro’s decline.
Breathtaking set design, top tier actors, lavish, symbolic costumes.
All for naught in moralistic ghost story, that would have been quaint and corny 100 years ago.
Impoverished English baronet woos rich American heiress.
He whisks her away from gorgeous full color hues of New York to somber greys of remote England.
The mansion, while beautiful, is cracked, rotting and has a roof hole possibly twenty meters wide.
Snow - leaves - rain falls from outside to the lowest basement.
Any normal human would have put a tarp over the opening at the very least!
The plot - if you are so charitable - is a blend of House Of Usher, Angels & Insects, Notorious.
CGI ghosties are laughably un-scarey. As so often with DelToro, bug infestation overload.
Sad to see so much money and talent squandered on an inferior live action cartoon.
Whoa! This looks fun.
And just in time for Halloween.
Orgy Of The Dead - 1965 - 3/10
Lordy, this is like one of the bestest movies ever!
An intro by Criswell raises the schlock bar immediately.
Speeding on a moonlight drive, a couple wrecks near a cemetery.
Where the Emperor and Princess of Darkness are holding court.
Entertaining them are seven or eight (I lost count) suicide victims.
Each dances, gyrates and disrobes to lounge music.
All are as stone-faced as bored or drugged out strippers.
This is indescribably awful. A grade school Christmas pageant has better acting.
Gorgeously restored by Nicholas Winding Refn.
Subtitles = https://subscene.com/subtitles/orgy-of-the-dead/english/2898624
Paul Lynde Halloween Special - 1976 - 3/10
Missed this when it originally aired.
Reviews are abysmal, dreadful. Of course I had to view!
What an utter piece of shoo. So bad, so terrible, that it enters “fun to watch” territory.
Straight off, Paul Lynde is dismal, his jokes and puns misfire and fall flat.
And one gets the feeling, he realizes this.
Florence (Brady Bunch) Henderson’s disco rendition of “That Old Black Magic” is beyond belief.
What’s good? Billy Barty as the butler, Margaret Hamilton as the wicked witch.
Finally, there’s KISS, fresh outta Destroyer.
The band is uncontrolled, doing “Detroit Rock City”, “King Of The Nighttime World” and “Beth”.
Get drunk, get stoned, watch and murder your brain cells.
Roboshark - 2015 - 4/10
Yeah, murdering more of my brain cells.
One could argue this is one of the better Bulgarian films, though I must confess this is my first.
Alien spaceship sends pods down to earth. One splashes into Pacific and is swallowed by shark.
Before you know it, that shark is transformed into …
I thought this would be cheap knock-off of the preeminent Sharknado epics, but this boasted perhaps better characters and a stream of SciFi in-jokes.
When the military gave Roboshark’s current coordinates, I laughed.
The girls next to me asked, and I said, “Map coordinates, THX1138,” and explained.
Later Admiral (wonderfully done, by the way) declares, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
Billionaire computer mogul, Bill Glates, enters the fray. The power of social media is revealed.
Silly nonsense, set in “Seattle,” with stray Cyrillic signs here and there.
Ostermeier, R - Therapeutic Tales
Maladies and possible treatments for those on the Peninsula.
The practice is counseling. The practitioner, newly arrived in the community, is more observer and has no doctoral degree.
The first story, “Conkertop” treats a young girl, more a child really, who spent nights in the deep woods and was returned home “altered”. There was a grove of trees, yews, in a circle. To draw the girl from her silence, perhaps learn what occurred, the counselor uses a shadow theatre.
The second patient is akin to the malevolent leader, or perhaps everyone else in group is simply terrified of him. Treatment involves homemade dummies. As it turns out, those who fashion good puppets are inferior ventriloquists. Likewise, shoddy puppets are helmed by brilliant speakers. Then there is “Rubby” apart, disruptive, unsettling the dynamic. We observe what the practitioner does not.
Physical complaints, not mental or emotional, dominate in “The Ulfsson Chapel.” Patients suffer skin disease, which I will compartmentalize into psoriasis. The rumor mill of afflicted share the legend of a mysterious treatment, fiendishly expensive, given by who knows who, methods unknown, at an undisclosed location.
Nevertheless, Ilsa is desperate, despite telling herself, over and over, ‘don’t hope’.
The Isle Of Salt is not so remote that Ilsa soon realizes the location. Treatment, however, involves being rendered unconscious. Surrendering control. Hoping.
Seven stories, treatments, in this collection, though one seems more gauntlet. As with any therapy, success varies with individuals. From glowing success to bitter failure to agonized uncertainty.
Andrei Rublev - 1966 - 9/10
AKA - Andrey Rublyov
15th century Russia, we trail “everyman” Rublev though conflicts, village life, spring fertility rites.
Rublev was the premier icon painter of his era.
Languid at times, though never remotely boring. There is simply too much to take in.
Many of the scenes and sequences are unforgettable.
Others, you can only marvel at the sheer amount of bodies. Not since the Silent era were there so many extras.
Of course this is Soviet filmmaking, in a film that would be shown to the world.
I first saw this in the 1980’s, the two hour edit, in a museum.
This has now been restored visually, and to the full 3+ hour length.
A must for world cinema types.
The Chronicles Of Riddick - 2004 - 6/10
Riddick arrives on a planet, recently invaded, about to be destroyed.
Yeah, Fate will play her jokes.
The invaders are an old foe and Riddick is soon embroiled in chicanery and strife.
Viewers expecting Pitch Black must reorient.
The first installment was a hunter / survival outing with a fairly simple plot.
This has more world building, the sets are fabulous, and even has Judi Dench!
Mindless entertainment, guilty pleasure, take your pick.
Black Christmas - 1974 (Bob Clark slasher, before Porky’s, before A Christmas Story)
A Christmas Horror Story - 2015 (A little Shatner for your cheer)
While You Were Sleeping - 1995 (Sandra Bullock film, becoming forgotten now)
Anna And The Apocalypse - 2017 (Christmas, zombies, and songs!)
Christmas Carol - 2019 (with Guy Pearce, dark cynical version of Dickens)
The Tag Along - 2015 - 5/10
AKA - 紅衣小女孩
Individuals are being haunted, then carried away in Taiwan.
Forest demons, their woodlands being felled, hunt souls in the city.
Film launches with inventive opening credits.
The “disappeared” one realizes are those who are forgotten or neglected.
Elderly grandma, for example.
Another plus is the two part construction. First is in the city, second is deep in the woods.
The story is narrative driven, though a couple usages of found-footage are effective.
Biggest problem is the moralizing. Coupled with “guilt" the story grows preachy.
Sharkansas Women’s Prison Massacre - 2015 - 5/10
The above are your typical Arkansas female convicts wearing, I guess, their usual prison attire.
For whatever reason, they are on chain gang duty clearing stumps in the swamp.
During the water break, they all miss their mouths and water soaks their tops.
Oh, sorry, forgot about the narrative proper.
Frakkers (the new environmental villains) detonate a passage to a vast underground sea.
Prehistoric sharks quickly ascend and swish through creeks, streams, even scrub forest.
Because - gasp - they are land sharks!
Plenty of meals, no nudity, scant blood and gore, cursing such as “crap on a cracker.”
Better than Sharktopus, better than Sharknado sequels, but this ain’t Jaws.
Croupier - 1998 - 7/10
Dealer Jack travels from Johannesburg to London.
Hires on as croupier (dealer) at a casino, where he observes and comments.
All the while, writing about the place, the gamblers, his colleagues.
He also sniffs an ongoing con game, though Jack is not the meddling type.
Jaundiced film manages to be cynical, tawdry and intelligent.
Corrosive Neo-Noir will put many off, though if you view humanity as punters, this is for you.
Slashed Dreams - 1975 - 3/10
Originally title - Sunburst (neither title relates to the plot)
STARRING ROBERT ENGLUND!!
Sure, boss, whatever.
Another delight from my Chilling Classics box (50 awful films, $5.00).
College couple head for remote mountains to visit dropout friend. (Gearheads, they drive a VW Thing!)
Pace is slow, scenes dawdle. Nothing much happens for 50 minutes in very 70’s looking film.
Eventually, the couple skinny dip in a lake and get heckled by hillbilly duo, the girl is promised “good time” later.
Do they get outta Dodge? Heck no.
They bed down in a ramshackle cabin. Door won’t close, there is no lock.
Being liberal arts majors, the pair sleep naked.
Later - “Psst, did you hear something? I think someone’s insi — Aarrgghh!!"
Film has six - count ‘em - six musical interludes by nondescript female lounge singer. Slasher musical.
20’s vaudeville crooner Rudy Vallee plays a country storekeeper. He sings too. Hell.
Oh yeah, Englund? He shows in the final ten minutes. This was his second role - Freddy K is a decade away.
8 Women - 2002 - 5/10
AKA - 8 femmes
Ha ha ha. I rave about director François Ozon.
Killer cast includes Catherine Deneuve, Isabelle Huppert, Fanny Ardant …
Just before a Christmas party, the manor master is found stabbed to death.
Each female is a suspect, and each must offer their story / alibi – in song.
Screwball comedy, mystery whodunit, musical. All over the top.
I watched this, jaw dropped at the conception and execution.
For me, a total misfire, though it has its fans.
J’ouvert - 2021 - 6/10
Notting Hill Carnival, 2017! We’re London City!
Nadz is prepping for the competition, best street dance and display.
Friend and fellow dancer Jade grasps there is more to life than two minutes in the spotlight.
She becomes, if not an activist, more outspoken, and a canny observer.
Ostensibly a two lead play, with two in support.
The leads play not only Nadz and Jade, but street thugs, old timers, gentry.
Flow is nonstop and breathing room would have helped thoughtful moments.
Part of the “Lights Up” series.
Lake Of The Dead - 1958 - 7/10
AKA - De Dødes Tjern
Years earlier, the man who lived here murdered his sister, her fiancée then committed suicide.,
Now, every anniversary of that time, the man’s ghost takes possession of whoever is in the cabin.
And they commit suicide. Or so the story goes, says the local sheriff.
Telling the six arrivals who are spending a few days at the cabin, just as the anniversary approaches.
Legends and superstition, snort the city folk. Until … well … they had been warned.
Taut mystery shifts from supernatural to psychological to Gothic.
The camera roves back and forth, like a shell game, keeping viewers in the dark.
Subtitles = https://subscene.com/subtitles/de-ddes-tjern/english/2888198
The Crooked Web - 1955 - 5/10
Stan has a sweet setup. Owns his own diner in sunny LA.
Has enough cash flow to bet on the horses.
And he’s more or less engaged to honey faced Joanie.
Enter Joanie’s brother, Frank, enroute to Chicago then Germany.
Where $200,000 of gold awaits, once he gets $3000 for his buy in.
Stan, the horse gambler, snaps at the bait.
Doesn’t even notice when Joanie and Frank cuddle and smooch and grab each other.
One is born every minute, and Stan is a prize chump.
Subtitles = https://subscene.com/subtitles/the-crooked-web/english/2888217
Where To Invade Next - 2015 - 6/10
Another even handed documentary from the always fair minded Michael Moore.
This outing, the social critic travels abroad to “claim” the best attributes of other nations for his fellow Americans.
Italy - six weeks paid vacation. Five months paid maternity leave.
Finland - no homework and young grades only go to school three hours a day.
Slovenia - free college. Tunisia - equal rights for women.
France - healthy school nutrition. Moore, poster child for health, offers one of the children his Coca Cola.
There are other countries, with other systems. Moore marvels at each with a big, “Are you kidding me?”
Nary a differing voice is heard in his very idealistic walkabout.
No reference made of human nature. Greed, laziness, self serving, what are those?
Tempted to dock a point because Moore is such a one-sided schmuck.
Napoleon At St. Helena - 1929 - 6/10
AKA - Napoleon auf Sankt Helena
After Waterloo, the great general, the emperor, is heading for England.
Except Parliament decides he’s still too hot. And could still rally the Grande Armee.
So he, and his retinue, are dropped at St Helena, British controlled isle in the South Atlantic.
What ensues is a battle of wills: Napoleon, still possessed of his own greatness, and governor of the island, Hudson Lowe, a petty functionary, and martinet.
What follows is the gradual withering decline of the emperor’s health, and entourage.
Script by Abel Gance, this makes a nice footnote to his 1927 epic.
Festival Express - 2003 - 7/10
Documentary of the legendary 1970 Canadian concert tour.
On the train are Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead, the Band, Delany & Bonnie, Buddy Guy.
Cameras notwithstanding, the performers relax, party, socialize while the train keeps rollin’.
While many lament there is insufficient concert footage, the film crew was only 5 persons.
Enjoy what’s there. And what is there is 60’s musicians at a peak.
Essential for fans of the artists, or for curious late arrivals wanting to catch that counter-culture vibe that, by this point, was already fading, fading, fading.
Bombay Velvet - 2015 - 5/10
Street urchin’s violent rise to become big-shot manager of wildly popular club in 60’s Bombay.
Riffs of Scarface and Casino float, though this is tame on violence and sex.
Story starts in 1949 following two young boys. Time shifts abruptly with few clues. Just catch up.
Big money employs thugs to pound the path for land development in go-go Bombay.
Many musical numbers, yet most are set in the nightclub world of sequins and stockings…
Strives for operatic, succumbs to melodrama.
Uninspired plot, poorly envisioned characters, a story that is glossy, empty, and of course, overlong.
Danny Boyle and Martin Scorsese thanked in opening credits.
Thelma Schoonmaker one of the film editors.
This shoulda been better.