Vultural

Drive-In Massacre - 1976 - 3/10

Grindhouse slasher that will kill you with boredom.
Couples at the drive-in start getting killed dead by a swordsman.
Piercings, beheadings, general dismemberment.
Killings are speedy and barely shown.
Frisky behavior inside cars is PG, meaning nothing that would disturb a nun.
Though set in California, the acting corps have heavy East coast accents.
Which you will hear plenty of because everyone talks and talks and talks and talks.

Mr. Turner - 2014 - 5/10

Dreary biopic had key viewers hollering foul that Spall missed an Oscar nod as British painter J W Turner.
Really, Spall spent most of the film grunting or guffawing, arguably a spot-on portray of the taciturn artist, but hardly compelling viewing.
Fine outdoor photography undermined by dishwater narrative.
Characters singularly unlikable, and whatever drives them eludes the viewers.
Plot is little more than Turner dabbing oils on canvas, shagging the housekeeper, setting up alternative house, while snorting at relatives, relatives, fellows artists, critics.
A good documentary on Turner would be a recommended alternative.

122 - 2019 - 6/10

Nasr and Umnia don’t have enough money to get married.
Going back on a promise, Nasr decides to do one final “job.”
She insists on accompanying him. It was supposed to be easy.
The accident, however, was unexpected. Umnia survives, Nasr is tagged as dead.

Only, not quite.
Might just as well have been, though.
See, the medical facility does a brisk, cash business in organ harvest.
There are orders for corneas and kidneys, and Nasr has healthy ones!
Derivative, oh yeah. Been done before, sure.
Fast, dark thriller, for nondemanding fans of medical horrors.

Made In Britain - 1982 - 7/10

Scoring this simply for Tim Roth’s ferocious performance.
He plays a high school skinhead, delinquent, spitting ball of hate and fury.
Because he is a juvenile, social agencies are still trying to guide him.
Like he gives a damn.
He knows there is no future for him because of class, wealth, expectations.
Everyone else is overshadowed by a blistering Roth, in this, his first film.

A Study In Terror - 1965 - 6/10

Sherlock Holmes mystery pitting the sleuth against Jack The Ripper.
Production appears like a proto-Hammer version, rich sets, minimally inhabited.
Splash of blood, sexual innuendo but zero nudity.
John Neville makes a crisp Holmes with a touch of irony.
Very young Judi Dench plays mission worker.
Narrative is no great shakes. The famous detective hunts the infamous ripper.
Final denouement confusing, if not outright lame.

Calvary - 2014 - 7/10

During confessional, a penitent confesses to the priest how, as a child, he was abused by a priest.
To feel better, he intends to kill. Not the priest who violated him, he was a bad man. No, the priest right next to him, a good man.
“Be on the beach next Sunday,” he states, “so I can murder you.”
Fatalistic story, laden with moral quandaries. The sanctity of the confession limits what the priest can divulge.
He relates the threat to his monsignor, as well as the local constable, yet not the name of the party.
He is unsure, plus that would be a violation.
Instead, the week eddies past and he advises and counsels parishioners, broken, flawed, or lost.
Community is tight knit and worse than resentful relatives.
Stunning outdoor scenery … especially along the beach.

Shield For Murder - 1954 - 6/10

Nothing personal, you know, it’s just the money.
Another back alley stickup between one who has and one who needs.
The robber doesn’t want witnesses, either, so he empties his gun into the bookie.
Reaches into the warm corpse’s coat, pockets $25K, then shouts for help.
The murderer? A police detective with a string of dead suspects staining his résumé.
Not that such matters. Cops protect their own, even one more crooked than a dog’s hind leg.

Edmund O’Brien fine as the rotten copper, stashing blood loot to - get this - buy a suburban ranch house.
After hours, he is smitten with Patty, a sweet slice of curvy cheesecake who peddles cigarettes in the club.
(Marla English, 20 years younger than O’Brien, the pairing could have been exploited differently.)
The things we do for love, the worse things we do for money.

Le Capital - 2012 - 6/10

Slick financial thriller of high rolling executives.
When the head man of a massive French bank takes ill, he appoints a temporary boss.
His experience is limited and circling sharks eye him as chum.
Worse, a wealthy American hedge fund buys controlling interest in the bank, then sets up traps.
Unlike similar movies - say Big Short, there is no spoon feeding to viewers.
Maneuvering occurs across continents and conference rooms.
Temp Boss proves a cynical calculator, though there is a love angle, stupid beyond belief.
Root for villains because there are no “good guys.”

Gun Woman - 2014 - 5/10
AKA - Nyotaiju Gan Ūman // 女体銃 ガン・ウーマン

Exploitation trash, aimed at the US market, per Los Angeles and desert settings, and a pair of talkative American hired guns.
The redeeming element about exploitation - even trash is often enjoyable and this does have potential.
Basic revenge plot, the baddie is a homicidal whack-job, and the anti-hero (known as “The Mastermind”) is cold, clinical, utterly goal focused.
Most of this is explained and described in lengthy exposition between the hired guns.
One asks questions, the other warbles away. Like a bad infomercial.
The pace is pretty darn slow (ahem, padded), and the limited body count shows signs of budget restrictions.
Gun woman herself might have ten lines of dialogue, though the movie is about her (no, it’s about Mr Mastermind).
Her zero thespian skills are compensated during the final twenty minutes or so, when she performs all her fighting, killing, stabbing, shooting, general bloodlust, stark naked. No foggy lens, strategic plants, digital manipulation.
All Asami, all the way.
For many exploitation hounds, that will boost overall scores.

I Heard It Too - 2014 - 5/10

Mom sings daughter Bethany to sleep.
Before slumber and dreams, comes the rustle, then a voice.
Horror short of home invasion will not be to all tastes.
Might depend on how you enjoy watching a terrified 3 year old.
I didn’t.

If Walls Could Talk: The History Of The Home - 2011 - 6/10

Four part documentary by Lucy Worsley focusing on four rooms in the home.
Living room - Bedroom - Bathroom - Kitchen
Evolution from Medieval time to modern age.
Informative, entertaining, full of catch-phrase origins:
“By hook or by crook” - “Walls have ears” - “Burning the candle at both ends” -

The Killer Is Loose - 1956 - 6/10

Curbside, the getaway sedan purrs like a tiger. The wheelman, eyes and ears on full alert, watches the building. Next to him, the gunman, patient as blight, calmly holds his weapon. At either end of the bank, two confederates nod. And the heist unfolds.
Easy money, folks. No gunfire, no injuries. Yeah, Jack, crime pays.
Except there were a couple of loose comments, which the police, ever perceptive, pick up on. There had been an inside man.

All the makings of a police procedural fly apart after a trigger-happy raid.
An innocent is slain, and the one left grieving vows revenge … and waits.
Decent B-Noir, undercut by domestic melodramatics.
Joseph Cotton and Rhonda Fleming notwithstanding, the reason to watch is Wendell Corey, his character maddened by grief, driven and resourceful in vengeance.
And – Los Angeles, filmed during rainy season, night and day.

The Young Girls Of Rochefort - 1966 - 5/10
AKA - Les Demoiselles de Rochefort

What a disappointing howler.
This was followup to The Umbrellas Of Cherbourg.
Seaside village prepares for the end of summer fete, as the French version of carnival arrives.
Looking for love are Catherine Deneuve and her real life sister Françoise Dorléac (who died tragically young that year).
Also on hand, dancing away, are George Chakiris and Gene Kelly.
Dancing is an understatement, the film is almost nonstop choreography.
Numerous songs by Michel Legrand, none truly memorable.
The movie gets exhausting after awhile. The impression is that everyone tried too hard.

The Lady On A Train - 1945 - 6/10

Silly murder mystery, not without merits, though not, as indicated in IMDB, a Noir in the classic sense.
Deana Durbin’s character sees, or thinks she sees, a murder being committed from her seat on the train.
The police don’t believe her, nor does her favorite mystery writer whom she pesters.
She discovers the identity of the “victim.” A rich gentleman, his death ruled a suicide.
Heirs include Noir heavy Dan Duryea and smiling Ralph Bellamy.
Several other quirky characters fill the plot, as well as false trails, more murders, quick dialogue.
For fans, Ms Durbin sings a couple standards.
Hard boiled seekers, this light hearted fluff ain’t it.

Sarrantonio, Al - Toybox

Collection of what are, ostensibly, children’s horror stories.
Spooky pumpkins, Halloween, the creepy house on the edge of town.
The new kid who doesn’t fit in, the old homeowner of ill odor.
The stories are – in a word – quaint.
Undoubtedly, they reflect Sarrantonio’s childhood in the 1960’s.
While young readers age eight or nine might read these with no ill effects, they would probably regard them as hopelessly corny.
The final half dozen are uglier, a few casually horrific, in keeping with the horror boom of the 1990’s.
Note: Edgar Poe was misspelled Allen. C’mon. Worse, Necco Wafers has two C’s.

Hector And The Search For Happiness - 2014 - 6/10

Simon Pegg as successful psychiatrist who suffers a crisis. Bored, self-doubt, plain old ennui.
Abandons his girlfriend (Rosamund Pike!) to pursue a globe-trotting quest to discover what makes happiness.
Exotic locales, scrapes and escapes, plastic villains, convenient guardian angels.
Feel like I’m shooting BB’s at the balloons of a nine year olds birthday party.
The story was diverting, though hackneyed and lighter than sponge cake.
Essentially a feel good travelogue with dollops of greetings card wisdom.
Breezy … yeah, yeah … saw it, checked off my list, won’t rewatch in this life.

The Thanksgiving Play - 2021 - 6/10

The creator - the director - the historian - the actor.
Not so much theatre as a video conference, brainstorming concepts for a play for nine year olds.
While a few observers might regard the above image and think self-indulgent egoism, the results are funny.
After a soggy opening, this moves swiftly.
The bottom individuals are the funniest or have the best lines.
There are barbs about the holiday, though this is not Woke self-righteousness.
Reeves’ deadpan delivery is sidesplitting at times. An underappreciated comedian.

Murdered By My Fiancé - 2016 - 5/10

Slight doc about murder of author Helen Bailey and her dog!
Boyfriend reports to police four days after she disappears.
Despite Bailey being a best selling author, barely any video of her.
Detectives, analysts, neighbors, and the fiance.
Unexplained - why Fido was killed. Unexplained - relationship.
Why is it “murdered by *my *fiance"? As if the dead author produced this.
Find something else to waste an hour.
Otherwise, example of how not to kill someone.

The Town - 2010 - 6/10

Overlooked, street smart caper film from Ben Affleck, with ass kicking finale.
Crime passes from one generation in Charlestown.
Favorite target seems to be banks, which in this film are all helpless as comatose grannies.
Security? Trained guards? Hidden surveillance cameras?
Sorry, no, which is rather hard to accept in otherwise realistic script.
Affleck gets involved with sorta almost witness, while the gang presses for one final haul.
The big one. The stereotyped “last score,” after which all will lay low and exit crime.
Yes . . . how many times?
Ingenious heist, clinically executed. Gunfire galore.
Nice location filming, which might be a double-edged sword for some.
Unwary viewers better have subtitles if unaccustomed to nasally New England dialect.

The Things We Say, The Things We Do - 2020 - 7/10
AKA - Les Choses qu’on Dit, Les Choses qu’on Fait

Maxime arrives from Paris to spend time with his cousin.
His cousin is away on business, but his girlfriend, Daphne, takes over.
Maxime is nursing a bruised heart. In a way, so is Daphne.
As they share stories, histories, they are slowly drawn to each other.
French romantic drama of lost love, mistaken love, wronged love, unrequited love.
Talky (of course), yet the multiple stories weave and tangle much like a puzzling mystery.
Enthralling throughout, though Hallmark addicts will be disappointed.

The Monster - 2016 - 5/10

Part arthouse, part mother - daughter road trip (ha ha).
Dysfunctional, alcoholic, abusive mother drives neglected young daughter to her ex.
They are supposed to depart at 8:00 AM, except hungover Ma doesn’t get rollin’ until 4:00.
Soon as they hit the spooky backroad, rain pelts down in sheets.
The car strikes a wolf and the subsequent crash leaves the vehicle inoperative.
Before they can say - “Hey, where’d that wolf go?” - the girls realize trouble is mounting.
Acting by the female leads is terrific. I hated Mom, pitied the small girl.
The pace may be too measured to hold interest for many, though.
There is also that allegory about who the real monsters are, which some might equate with spoon feeding.

Quibble: I grew up on backroads. None ever had streetlamps, let alone three of them.
Plus, after you crash your car, switch off the headlamps and wipers!
I should not have to explain this to stranded drivers unless they want to be future meals.

The Swarm - 2020 - 5/10
AKA - La Nuée

Recently widowed mother of two raises locusts. First for health food, then farm feed.
Profits are negligible.
If only she could get the locusts to grow bigger, quicker.
Hey, what if I start feeding them blood?
Wow, they like it!
Film takes a painfully long time to get going only to sputter.
Focus on character deterioration, rather than mayhem.
Watch X-Files S03E12 “War Of The Coprophages” instead.

Summer - 1986 - 6/10
AKA - Le Rayon Vert

French patience tester, extremely well acted, but might strain your endurance.
Recently dumped female (ahem, three years earlier) whines about what to do during summer vacation.
She stays with family and complains. Visits friends, moans incessantly.
Asks for advice, only to disregard.
One of the best / worst moments occurs during an outdoor meal when our protagonist, a recent vegetarian, launches into a tirade about meat and animals.
Doesn’t stop her from drinking, however. And complaining about vintages.
I always say people get what they deserve.
Sadly, how did her friends and family deserve this?

Katherine Ryan In Trouble - 2016 - 6/10

Standup comedian on relationships, being Canadian in UK, men, family.
Hit and miss, with more hits, but this is chuckle material.
Timed correctly at one hour. Nothing stale, just her aloof humor which never engaged me.

Bullitt - 1968 - 8/10

Definitive McQueen anti-hero, exuding cool elegance.
Officer Frank Bullitt assigned to babysit mob snitch, finds himself set up as patsy for incompetence.
Brilliant procedural as detective and partner pick up the seemingly dead trail and unravel a brilliant plan.
Film punctuated by three chase sequences, one a legend in movie history.
Wonderful Lalo Schifrin score, gorgeous San Francisco scenery.
Street scenes, cafe interiors, the steep hills.
Then there are the muscle cars at full throttle, terrific stunt driving, no - NO - computer fakery.

Anytime I read about a remake, I cringe, knowing disposable music would blare throughout, drowning out the roar of V8s.